Boyfriend searching for casual sex on OkCupid?

[puppetmistress]

I just got back home after a 2-week conference out of town, and had to use my boyfriend's computer (with his permission) because mine is broken. I noticed he had a browser window (minimized and sort of hidden) with his OkCupid account open -- it's the site we met on; he kept his profile up but changed the settings to "in a relationship" and "only looking for friends" after we got together. Which I was totally cool with. We've been together a year and share an apartment.

 

Curiosity got the best of me and I un-minimized the window. All the girls in his "recently viewed" section were people in their underwear, posing seductively, body-only shots, etc... so I snooped (horrible, I know) and looked at what his search settings for OkCupid were. He has it set for older women who are "looking for casual sex" and live near him. I've pieced together, based on the date of people viewing his profile, that he ran a search for this about two weeks ago... right after I left town.

 

However, he didn't message anyone as far as I could see.

 

This is the first relationship I've ever snooped in or felt even remotely insecure, and I know it was a terrible, privacy-violating thing to do. It's NOT the kind of person I normally am. Part of the problem is that earlier on in our relationship, I found out that he was on a different dating site, still listed himself as "single," and invited a girl he was chatting with over to his apartment (before we lived together) at 2 AM. She ended up declining but they had exchanged many sexual messages and he never once mentioned to her that he was in a relationship. I almost dumped him over that, but we worked through it and he has regained 99% of my trust since then. I love him deeply.

 

Now I feel heartbroken again. Is it possible that he was just curious and this is innocent? I feel so, so horrible for snooping, but there's that tiny part of me that still hasn't fully regained trust in him.

 

What should I do?

[devilish innocent]

If you've only been together for a year and he's already cheated once, then even without this incident, I would wonder why you believe he's worthy of your trust. I would move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

Well. He's just broken what remaining trust you had in him. You know exactly what he was doing. It's not good.

 

And I cannot believe the number of people who will try to convince themselves (or their partners) that they were "just curious" when profiles are created or reactivated on these dating/sex websites. What a load of BS. That is not curiosity - it's actively searching for someone else.

 

OP, he's already been dishonest once. Now he's done it again. You know that old expression? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

[Michelle ma Belle]

Sweetie, please, please, PLEASE don't be so naive!!!! Come on!

 

This guy is playing you for a fool and from the sounds of it for a long time. Give your head a shake and wake up.

 

There are so many red flags with the things you wrote about that I don't even know where to begin so I'm just going to sum it up with one word...RUN!

 

Loving him isn't going to change anything unfortunately. Save your dignity and yourself and get out. No one deserves to be disrespected like this.

 

Good luck.

[Leigh 87]

He isnt in love with you.

 

He just isnt into you.

 

After a year or so, if man is head over heels madly in love, he simply doesn't cheat thus early.on. I can understand that things get stale in a ten year marriage. You need to invest time and effort to inject the spark back into things.

 

But less than two years together and he has already been caught on an online dating site? He was obviously Luke warm about you when you first met; men that are really into a woman simply don't fancy dating or sleeping around with other women.

 

Even jerks tend to move mountains for a woman that knocks their socks off

 

Look you can claim how amazing he is and how he was so sweet to you all you like.. but he WAS online to meet women. He WASNT intending to be loyal to you. Don't be so naive. He was online after you first started dating because he wasn't totally crazy about you and he still desired other women. He wouldn't have done it to a woman he was truly smitten with.

 

He likes his relationship with you and feels comfortable and content indulging in coupled life. But you're not the one for him. When he meets a woman who he is nuts about he will drop you like a hot potato.

[ascendotum]

Don't feel bad at all for snooping on him. I think snooping on your partner is a crummy thing to do, and if I would be furious if I found a gps tracker or surveillance software on my PC/phone that had been installed by my gf. A little bit of checking is okay if you want to verify suspicious behavior though. In your case you had previously busted him trying to score with another woman early on in your relationship. Once he violated your trust, you are entitled to keep tabs on him imo, and its a lucky thing your laptop was busted, because you sprung him up to his old tricks.....as soon as you leave town.

 

Look it is possible to just gawk profiles just to see whats out there for curiosity. Given your bf is scanning for older women for casual sex (less bs and straight to the action), you'd be cutting him a lot of slack to believe any 'just having a look' explanation from him. His track record convicts him. You don't sound 100% convinced. How about you get a gf to set up an phoney 'older women looking for nsa action' profile and have her message him.

 

Hopefully the apartment is not on a shared rental agreement, so its easier for you to walk or boot him out.

[PegNosePete]

he kept his profile up but changed the settings to "in a relationship" and "only looking for friends" after we got together. Which I was totally cool with.

Well, you should not have been "cool" with this. It is a dating site. If he wants to make friends then he can use meetup. People DO NOT use dating sites to find friends!!!

[BetrayedH]

So, he tried to cheat on you before (secret dating site and invited a chick over at 2am), gained back 99% of your trust, and now he's clearly trying to cheat on you again. I hope we're back to 0% on the trust thing now.

 

The choices aren't complicated but I suspect that they're not easy either: (1) Break up with this guy that keeps trying to cheat on you or (2) Volunteer for being cheated on in the future.

 

You gave him a second chance. Good for you. Don't give a third.

 

And by the way, knock off the self-deprecating comments about snooping. You clearly had good reason. More people should trust their gut.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

A little snooping goes a long way. IMO, what you did barely scratched the surface of snooping. You didn't place a keylogger on his computer or hack his email account; he was fool enough to leave the tab open and you were wise enough to check it out. Take this as a sign from whatever entity you like so long as you take it at all.

 

He tried to cheat once, got caught, or rather got rejected and is now up to his old tricks. The fact that you were cool with him maintaining an OLD profile after you got together is telling and speaks volumes to me about your level of naivete.

 

Now is the time for you to walk away. Trust me, you would not be leaving behind anything of merit. This guy is playing you for a complete idiot, please don't continue to be one.

[Diezel]

This is going to sound a little out of left field... but what was your sex life with him in the first 6 months .vs. the past 6 months? Was there a decline? Did the conversation come up?

[mammasita]

Red flag and ONLY red flag is keeping your dating profile open when you are in a relationship. THAT is the biggest bunch of crap Ive ever heard in the entire universe.

 

Thats simply an excuse to troll profiles and see whats out there......with your permission of course.

[puppetmistress]

Thank you for the no-nonsense replies, everyone. It really helps put things in perspective. I never thought it would be this difficult to make a decision when logically, I know I'm being treated disrespectfully -- I guess that's just the irrationality of the heart...

 

So an update: I snooped again yesterday and found his search settings are now for "gay men" and "looking for casual sex" within 25 miles of him. He told me early on that he has slight bisexual tendencies (that he's never really explored), so it's not totally out of left field, but I now I know this search isn't just a one-time thing.

 

Feeling pretty enraged at this point. I've given him so many chances and sacrificed a lot of things to make our relationship work, and this is what he gives back. Ugh. Disgusted.

[PegNosePete]

Feeling pretty enraged at this point. I've given him so many chances and sacrificed a lot of things to make our relationship work, and this is what he gives back. Ugh. Disgusted.

Indeed. So what are you going to do about it? I know what I'd do, and I think you know what I'd do too! Or what anyone would do!

[Phantom888]

I'm surprised you let a man treat you like this. Well no one can really make you move on if you refuse to listen. He will break your heart over and over again until you leave. Why suffer more when you know he is not the one for you?

[Elle1975]

Thank you for the no-nonsense replies, everyone. It really helps put things in perspective. I never thought it would be this difficult to make a decision when logically, I know I'm being treated disrespectfully -- I guess that's just the irrationality of the heart...

 

So an update: I snooped again yesterday and found his search settings are now for "gay men" and "looking for casual sex" within 25 miles of him. He told me early on that he has slight bisexual tendencies (that he's never really explored), so it's not totally out of left field, but I now I know this search isn't just a one-time thing.

 

Feeling pretty enraged at this point. I've given him so many chances and sacrificed a lot of things to make our relationship work, and this is what he gives back. Ugh. Disgusted.

 

A very similar thing happened to me. I was on one of my ex's computer, that he had allowed me to use to check my emails. Anyway, I get on the computer, and click on the yahoo mail icon. Guess what, it got me straight to his mailbox because the browser had kept him logged in.. I saw a "casual encounter" email sitting there. The name he was using was his best friend's name. I logged off, click on the field to log in in my account, as soon I click the field, 7 or so of his different alias pop up!

 

I didn't open the said email, since it wasn't my mailbox, and I felt really weird being there in the first place.

 

Thing is, I should have said something, and you should have to. "hey, didn't mean to snoop, but when I clicked on the browser, this is what came up". That's what I should have said, because I was not snooping.

 

Maybe it's not too late to say "hey gotta talk to you.. " mention how it happened. I wouldn't mention the time where you purposely look into his browsing history.

 

After that, you probably want to break things off.