Hot Cold Hot Cold Hot Cold.

[Msmahem]

Does anyone else's MM do this?

 

Why??? do they do this?

 

I've been having an EA for 8 months with an older guy I worked with,

I quit my job, then tried going NC for 8 months

We just caught up the other day and talked about turning it in to a PA this week

 

But now he's ignoring me again.

 

I'm confused. I know its wrong.

[Popsicle]

That's pretty standard

[RegretfulAlways]

I can't give you a good answer, but you've certainly reminded me why sticking to my NC with my xAP is a good idea. Sounds exactly like how things got for us at the end. Got so sick of the ups and downs, hot and cold. Ugh. Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do!

[MayP]

I can't give you a good answer, but you've certainly reminded me why sticking to my NC with my xAP is a good idea. Sounds exactly like how things got for us at the end. Got so sick of the ups and downs, hot and cold. Ugh. Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do!

 

 

rollercoaster ride, oh so familiar!

 

hot- in his spare time. when he 'misses you' (I can't tell if I should believe)

cold- too engaged in his life norms to be bothered. too busy with work (is that even as excuse for a few minutes text/ emails? Just so to help his poor lady a little, his love? for staying in this awful relationship)

[Msmahem]

Yes. That's exactly it. "I'm too busy"

 

He gets me all interested. Then when I am he doesn't care anymore.

 

I'm such an idiot for allowing him to break my NC.

 

I was meant to catch up with him later in the week to sleep with him for the first time. Eugh. There's no way I can do this anymore... it's just so twisted

[HBIC]

Do you like being poked with a stick to see if you will still twitch?

 

Tell this guy to get a life and get out of yours. Let him find other cheap thrills than playing games with you.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Yes. That's exactly it. "I'm too busy"

 

He gets me all interested. Then when I am he doesn't care anymore.

 

I'm such an idiot for allowing him to break my NC.

 

I was meant to catch up with him later in the week to sleep with him for the first time. Eugh. There's no way I can do this anymore... it's just so twisted

 

Say what???

 

Soooo, you know the drill and you want to go back for more? After 8 months off????

 

Why are you willing to settle for this crap?

[whichwayisup]

Does anyone else's MM do this?

 

Why??? do they do this?

 

I've been having an EA for 8 months with an older guy I worked with,

I quit my job, then tried going NC for 8 months

We just caught up the other day and talked about turning it in to a PA this week

 

But now he's ignoring me again.

 

I'm confused. I know its wrong.

 

He does this because you allow it. He can treat you like crap and then be nice to you and he knows you're into him and can't say no.

 

Find your self respect and tell him leave you alone and that you're not interested anymore.

 

You know it's wrong and I'm sure you feel awful when he ignores you and treats you poorly. Why allow someone like this in your life? Give that some thought.

[whichwayisup]

Yes. That's exactly it. "I'm too busy"

 

He gets me all interested. Then when I am he doesn't care anymore.

 

I'm such an idiot for allowing him to break my NC.

 

I was meant to catch up with him later in the week to sleep with him for the first time. Eugh. There's no way I can do this anymore... it's just so twisted

 

If you have sex with him, just know that he has no respect for you at all and he's using you. He will treat you worse than he does now!

 

Please, if you can't stay away from him and don't have the strength to tell him to get lost, get counseling to help you. And, talk to your women friends, allow them to get involved so they can pump up your self confidence.

 

You're worthy of a great love, but with someone who is going to adore you, respect you and not use you and throw you away like yesterday's newspaper.

[GypsyHeart83]

This is EXACTLY what I'm going through with my current AP. Three days ago, when he was on the road (he's an entertainer, and travels a lot) he was telling me how much he loves me.. misses me.. etc. Now, 2 days after he flew home off the road.. complete silence. It hasn't been this way in the past though. No matter if he was home or not, we would still speak on a daily basis. There was no fight.. no warning. He just.. disappeared. I'm absolutely confused. I would understand it if he had gone silent at home in the past, but he didn't. Should I take this as the end?? Without as much as a good bye after 1 1/2 years?!?

[MissBee]

This is a game emotionally unavailable people play...and no surprise MM are the epitome of that category.

 

Part of it is managing down your expectations and letting you know what not to expect...that is complete availability. Simply put, you're not their wife, you don't have their kids, you aren't managing their house so they are not obligated to call you everyday or check in with you or show up and some don't do it on purpose...it's simply a matter of fact that other things will take priority and when real life calls they put you on the backburner until they need a fix of you again. You are a convenience for when it is convenient to them and if you allow it...why should they act any different? Most humans will try to get the most that they can with the least effort if they see that it will fly.

 

It's part of being in the option category versus someone they feel emotionally and otherwise committed to. They can check in and out as they please....and it works out for them as most OW won't kick them to the curb when they do this but will be clamoring for their attention when they return and be so happy it's not over and that everything is "good again" until the next time....

 

When I had lower self worth I allowed unavailable men to play me like this...now it makes me sick to think I ever allowed it. But you live and you learn thankfully. I would spend copious amounts of time trying to "figure out why" or get into their head or "put my foot down" by explaining my feelings...but still essentially allowing them to do the same thing. NOW? Oh hell no! If a man blows hot and cold, case closed. Done. Bye. I don't have time to decipher anything, as there isn't anything to decipher except you're being jerked around and you can accept it or not. Men really invested and committed (but of course MM can't be that to the OW most times) will not blow hot and cold with you.

Edited July 1, 2014 by MissBee

[RegretfulAlways]

This is a game emotionally unavailable people play...and no surprise MM are the epitome of that category.

 

Part of it is managing down your expectations and letting you know what not to expect...that is complete availability. Simply put, you're not their wife, you don't have their kids, you aren't managing their house so they are not obligated to call you everyday or check in with you or show up and some don't do it on purpose...it's simply a matter of fact that other things will take priority and when real life calls they put you on the backburner until they need a fix of you again. You are a convenience for when it is convenient to them and if you allow it...why should they act any different? Most humans will try to get the most that they can with the least effort if they see that it will fly.

 

It's part of being in the option category versus someone they feel emotionally and otherwise committed to. They can check in and out as they please....and it works out for them as most OW won't kick them to the curb when they do this but will be clamoring for their attention when they return and be so happy it's not over and that everything is "good again" until the next time....

 

When I had lower self worth I allowed unavailable men to play me like this...now it makes me sick to think I ever allowed it. But you live and you learn thankfully. I would spend copious amounts of time trying to "figure out why" or get into their head or "put my foot down" by explaining my feelings...but still essentially allowing them to do the same thing. NOW? Oh hell no! If a man blows hot and cold, case closed. Done. Bye. I don't have time to decipher anything, as there isn't anything to decipher except you're being jerked around and you can accept it or not. Men really invested and committed (but of course MM can't be that to the OW most times) will not blow hot and cold with you.

 

Thanks so much for posting this. You just described why I walked away from my A - my xAP behaved in precisely this way all the time. I got sick of "putting my foot down" to something that was bound never to change. But it's still hard to go through NC ...

[Msmahem]

MissBee thank you so much for that post

You hit the nail on its head

 

He wants to catch up again now...What the....

And it's back to "hot"

 

 

It sounds immature, but I'm enjoying being the one who ignores, kind of feels like I'm winning some of my dignity and self respect back haha. It's killing me I just want to reply but then I remember sometimes be doesn't get back to me for hours or days so..... Too bad, he ain't getting a reply from me.

[MayP]

MissBee thank you so much for that post

You hit the nail on its head

 

He wants to catch up again now...What the....

And it's back to "hot"

 

 

It sounds immature, but I'm enjoying being the one who ignores, kind of feels like I'm winning some of my dignity and self respect back haha. It's killing me I just want to reply but then I remember sometimes be doesn't get back to me for hours or days so..... Too bad, he ain't getting a reply from me.

 

I am immature too. I didn't reply his last email. And that is so that I feel slightly on the upper hand. Now it is killing me, because I am itching to make contact and ask how is he... wondering if he will ask me how am I first. childish, isn't it?

NC is hard. Can I vent? I simply have to put this guy down.

[RegretfulAlways]

Same here, MsMahem and MayP. NC is super hard. I have ignored an email too, for over a week now, and it makes me feel good ...but at the same time in weak moments it's driving me nuts not to write back. But I agree that we should stay strong - try to stay busy, busy, busy. I know, easier said than done. And really truly try to gather strength thinking about how he treated you - taking his sweet time to respond, leaving you waiting and wondering, etc. If for no other reason... we have to stay strong and focus on reclaiming our dignity if nothing else. (I need to tell this to myself too to stay strong.) We can do it together!

[MayP]

Same here, MsMahem and MayP. NC is super hard. I have ignored an email too, for over a week now, and it makes me feel good ...but at the same time in weak moments it's driving me nuts not to write back. But I agree that we should stay strong - try to stay busy, busy, busy. I know, easier said than done. And really truly try to gather strength thinking about how he treated you - taking his sweet time to respond, leaving you waiting and wondering, etc. If for no other reason... we have to stay strong and focus on reclaiming our dignity if nothing else. (I need to tell this to myself too to stay strong.) We can do it together!

 

There are many times I draft an email and delete in the end. That happened a few times yesterday. I am trying to be as busy/ occupied as I could, you can trust me on that.

Exactly... taking his sweet time to respond...

A friend said he is making a fool out of me with the "happy sad disappointed excited very happy sad very sad happy" cycle. My bubble just burst... He is treating me like a spare toy to play with when he has the time/ convenience. Does he love me? Not likely. Is he invested? Nope. Does he want to keep me around? Hell yeah!

[MayP]

I re-quote from a fellow member (Got it- may I express a word of thanks!) 2 stories she posted that made me both laugh and cry:

 

 

CLOWN STORY

 

" A man found himself in the middle of a long hallway. In the middle ofthis long hallway was a solitary door. He walked up to the door and knocked onit. It was answered by a clown who proceeded to beat the life out of him. Thenext day, the gentleman was in the hallway once more, and once more found hisway to the door and knocked on it. Again, it was answered by the same clown andagain, the clown beat him senseless. This occurred for 4 more days - the manwould be in the hallway, go to the door, knock on it, and the clown wouldanswer the door only to beat him senseless once more.

 

On the 7th day, the man was once again in the hallway. He walked up to the doorand knocked on it - but no one answered. So, he went looking for the clown.

 

My husband and I often say, when we're discussing how we used to allow priorrelationships to hurt us AGAIN and AGAIN, that we're NO LONGER looking for theclown.

 

I see women here who continually allow their xMM (or MM) to hurt them again andagain and again. The key word here, though, is "allow." When we allowsomeone to continually hurt us and abuse us emotionally, it becomes the rulerather than the exception.

 

I just want to tell those who are hurting to STOP looking for the clown. "

 

 

 

 

 

So, this is from the Clown's perspective:

 

Wow, she finally found me, she must really want me. I'm going to treat her like****, disrespect her, lie to her, give her just little bits of my time and makepromises I have no intention of keeping. She surely won't stay around afterthat.

 

Hmmmm....I can't believe she's come back looking for me again. I would havethought that by treating her so bad to begin with she wouldn't want to betreated like that anymore. I'm going to treat her like **** some more, give hersome even bigger lies and give her hope when I know there isn't any.

 

WOW, she is back for more? I thought for sure she'd have gone away by now.After all, I have really been an ******* to her. I've given her nothing butpain and heartache, yet she seems to enjoy all these bad things I can give her.I'm thinking she must be enjoying this.

 

OMG - this is great! She has come back again and I now know for sure that Idon't ever have to change. That no matter how bad I treat her, no matter what Isay or do, no matter how much I lie to her, hurt her, give her hope - she isjust going to accept it. I don't have to change my life, ruin my family, putanything of my own in jeopardy because she has proven to me she will continueto keep coming back for me. No matter how bad I treat her.

 

And, I keep getting to have someone on the side who I can have sex with, who Ican call when I'm lonely, hurting or just need someone to understand myproblems. I can fit her into my life because she is waiting around and alwaysavailable to me no matter what. She is so happy for the 5 minutes we gettogether that I don't have to give more than that.

 

Wow, I LOVE being the Clown. I have it made!!

 

I feel sorry for the one who keeps looking for me.

 

 

 

 

And another perspective on the push/pull.

 

Once upon a time there was a MM. There was something missing in his life. Maybeit was missing something in his marriage, or it's just something inside of him.Regardless, he had a life that was less than fulfilling. Enter OW. She thinkshe is wonderful and intelligent and sexy. They make mad passionate love foryears. She waits for his calls, emails. She tells him how happy she would makehim IF ONLY he would leave wife to be with her. Man, wouldn't that make anyonefeel like a prince among men.

 

Then W finds out or is suspicious. MM gets tired of having to find ways tosneak out and see OW, and he's tired of listening to OW bitch that she wantsmore time with him. MM starts to tell OW he can't do this anymore. OW begs andpleads- no MM, I love you, please leave to be with me. I'll wait for youforever. Meanwhile, wife is saying- please, we are a family, we can workthrough this, think of the children, the history, I'll try to be more fun inbed. So, now MM has 2 women who think he's the cat's ****ing meow.

 

Finally, under the guise of "doing the right thing", he stays withthe wife. For a while, he lives with that "heroism" feeling, that inthe end, he did the honest thing and stayed with him family. That he SACRIFICEDfor the good of his family. And also for the good of OW, cause she was oh, sounhappy in that relationship and she'll find someone else.

 

Then, weeks and months go by. Wife is happy at first that she has her husbandback. But that feeling wears off and she becomes angry and bitter. There's tensionaround the house, and the sex hasn't improved like wife promised it would. AndNO ONE is paying any attention to poor little MM. There's no one professingtheir undying love. There's no one ready and waiting at the drop of a hat witha bottle of wine and a thong.

 

Suddenly he remembers OW. He remembers the fabulous sex, the adoration, andhell, she was a pretty good woman all-around. She was smart and fun and a goodfriend. And maybe she still likes me.

 

So, he calls, or emails. At first OW says, oh, MM I missed you so. I stillthink about you all the time, I still love you. MM's ego is stroked. He knowshe was loved by this woman, and she still adores him. He feels better abouthimself, and can go back to being Mr. Do the right thing with wife. This happensrepeatedly.

 

Finally, one day he calls OW. And she says- oh, MM, where have you been? I wassick of your crap so I found a new SG and life is going so wonderfully. I'mglad you chose wife, because I've realized things would have never worked outbetween us.

 

MM is crushed. How could she have done this? How could she have GONE ON WITHHER LIFE? After all, he was really going to leave someday.

 

And back to wife he goes, promising himself that he will fix his life andmarriage, and that OW was just a fling to him.

 

More time goes on. Wife is less angry and bitter. Life settles back to themindless routine it was in Chapter one of this story. This life is not so bad,after all. But MM misses OW. Now he becomes happy for her, that she foundhappiness with another, because a part of him realizes he really did hurt her.

 

But wait, maybe I will call her just one more time. Maybe she's not with SGanymore, I will tell her I'm sorry for hurting her, and we can be friends.Because then I won't have to feel guilty- I won't have to feel guilty forhurting her, it won't really be cheating anymore, and I still get to havesomeone who adores me constantly.

 

And MM calls again. But no answer at OW's house or cell. Then he emails- and noresponse. Well, she must be sick or on vacation. Surely, she can't be ignoringME. He waits another couple weeks, and tries again. Nothing again from OW.

 

For, you see my dear friends, she really has moved on. And no amount ofadoration or apology matters to her anymore.

 

And MM's life is back to "normal"- as it was when this whole messbegan.

 

Can you believe this is the fate of poor MM? After all, he was a HERO. He gaveup everything for the greater good. How can wife still be upset? Can't she actlike this never happened? and OW has gone with her life... what happened tothese 2 women who adored me so.

 

MM feels like crap about himself. He starts to recognize that he created thisfate for himself, and that out there in the world somewhere is OW, a woman whowould have moved heaven and earth to be with him, and now she belongs toanother. Someone else is holding her, someone else is making love to her.

 

well, maybe I'll call her just ONE MORE TIME