Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I guess her depression medicine made her a little bit more sane then. Idk what she had, I just know that she would start fights with me literally because of the smallest things. Then switch back and fourth between being angry and upset. I never had a moment of relaxing time with her, she would literally come home angry and take it out on me. She used me like a punching bag, then turned around and expected me to be a shoulder to cry on minutes later, then back to a punching bag. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Another post about my problems.. I'm gonna try to make this short. My mind is freaking out with guilt and hurt. And each day I wake up it gets worse. I keep reading articles on bpd and it's so hard to believe after a year and a half of dating someone, that that's what they have and nothing they did was genuine. Its all hitting me like a ton of bricks and I'm on 4 days off nc and my mind is telling me to break it. I feel like she doesn't even miss me, which she probably doesn't because ****in bpd. All the amazing memories don't mean crap to them and it hurts so much. She always pushed a relationship on me, pushed commitment, pushed engagement, pushed living together, pushed the words "I'll love you forever and we're never breaking up no matter what" She may not even be bpd, she just fits every symptom. Had severe mood swings and fought with me every single day, etc. She was diAgnosed with depression though and stopped her meds. That's kind of when everything got bad. I just feel so freaking upset, we lived together for 4 months and I didn't give her attention like, at all. I would stay in my room and play video games. I can't remember why I even did that to her, maybe because of the fighting? I feel like if I had just given her the attention that we could have made it and been so happy, because she was like obsessed with me and made me feel so great. She's on the other side of the country now, she moved away because of shame and guilt, and wanted to fix her problems(she blames everything that happened on herself) rare for a person with her issues, and I just keep wanting to contact her to see how she even feels.. I Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She's on the other side of the country now, she moved away because of shame and guilt, and wanted to fix her problems(she blames everything that happened on herself) rare for a person with her issues, and I just keep wanting to contact her to see how she even feels.. I You want to keep in contact because YOU want to make yourself feel better. It helps salve the hurt and pain you feel. Granted you may feel concern for her but that concern should never be at the expense of your own emotional and mental wellbeing. Having open communication with her only keeps your wounds from healing. Give yourself the opportunity to heal and when you're at a level of indifference but would still like to see how she is doing, then you can. But not now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I forgot to include that she broke up with me and slept with another guy because of the lack of attention I was giving her Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She moved for lots of good reasons. She cheated on you. Even if you had been a bad BF not giving her any attention, the honorable thing to do is break up with you 1st then seek comfort from another. Her BPD has not gotten better. Let her be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 She didn't cheat although. She broke up with me a month prior to sleeping with him. We still lived together and everything though. That's where everything is all turning around on me. At first I hated her for doing that to me. And now I'm starting to think that it's my fault. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She didn't cheat although. She broke up with me a month prior to sleeping with him. We still lived together and everything though. That's where everything is all turning around on me. At first I hated her for doing that to me. And now I'm starting to think that it's my fault. Regardless, it is over. You need to stay NC and heal from this. The demise of this relationship doesn't just fall on you. You need to stop beating yourself up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I know I need to stop beating myself up. I just wake up every morning feeling worse and worse about it. I keep forgetting the bad stuff she put me through and remembering only the good stuff and missing it. Even though I did ignore her, it wasn't my intention, she was ill and fought with me daily over nothing. I should of handled it better I guess. I just don't know what to think anymore. She wants to come back in a year from now after we both work on things and start over with me as well Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She didn't cheat although. She broke up with me a month prior to sleeping with him. We still lived together and everything though. That's where everything is all turning around on me. At first I hated her for doing that to me. And now I'm starting to think that it's my fault. You're not supposed to be bargaining because the fault for demise of your relationshipiis almost 100% hers. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She wants to come back in a year from now after we both work on things and start over with me as well I would suggest you throw this out the door and focus on what's at hand now. A lot can happen a year from now. Accept that it is over. Accept that you both were emotionally and mentally incapable of managing a relationship. There's a reason why it broke. You will grieve. You'll remember all the good times and you'll keep taking the blame. But that is normal when you're fresh out of a break-up. Take as much time away from her as possible. Stay NC and do not do anything that is going to jeopardize your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 I just know she was very mean and mentally abusive, and hurt me to the point of blind rage sometimes. Yet I can't even remember any of that. I try looking back and I can't remember how bad she treated me. I just remember how bad I responded to it. So I know we had our issues, I know things got really bad between us from her illnesses.(she stopped taking her depression medicine) that's when things actually got really bad. And she became a different person Its just all so hard to soak in. She doesn't even blame me at all, she blames herself 100% Yet I keep finding ways to blame myself because I guess I'm an idiot Link to post Share on other sites
kane30us Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Don't break NC. Trust us!! The first couple of days are going to be hard but in time you will feel so much better about yourself and it will get easy. Reading your post it sounds to me you two weren't good together. Why would you want to date someone on depression medicine? Don't you think you deserve better? Stay strong! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 She was so very good to me in the beginning. When she was normalized, she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. And I know we could have been great together if I knew how to actually handle somebody with her illnesses, instead of running and hiding. Its only now that I understand that I handled everything in such a bad way. That's why I have so much guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 She was so very good to me in the beginning. When she was normalized, she was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. And I know we could have been great together if I knew how to actually handle somebody with her illnesses, instead of running and hiding. Its only now that I understand that I handled everything in such a bad way. That's why I have so much guilt. You can't handle someone with an illness. You can manage and you can cope but at some point it starts to weigh and drain on you. It's not your responsibility to work around her to make the relationship progress. It's up to two healthy minded people, emotionally and mentally invested partners to make a relationship prosper. Not you tip toeing around her issues to help keep what you had afloat. "Handled everything in such a bad way." OP, it's hard to deal with someone that has behavioral problems. There is no manual that tells you what to say and how to act. Most likely her actions caused a lot of tension and strain in the relationship and being human, you reacted negatively. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 That's exactly what I needed to hear, thank you so much for that. I know that's the truth of it, but my mind wanders and over analyzes. Do you think it would be smart to ever try seeing her again? If she truely does take this time to fix herself and gets back on medication Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 That's exactly what I needed to hear, thank you so much for that. I know that's the truth of it, but my mind wanders and over analyzes. And you'll keep doing that for awhile but try and manage those thoughts by stopping them. You need to stop those thoughts and rationalize yourself out of it. Get yourself to think about the realities of what the relationship really was about. Who she was then isn't who she was. Who she is now, is what she truly is. Do you think it would be smart to ever try seeing her again? If she truely does take this time to fix herself and gets back on medication Her recovery is determined by HER efforts and HER long term investment. She may not even fully follow through with it because change is hard. So, trying to predict what MAY happen IF she does what she needs to do is futile. It would be best for you to shut the door and move on from this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 Thank you for your help Having no closure sucks. All I can think about is her, but I knows it not like that with her because of her stupid problems Makes it so hard to move on Link to post Share on other sites
soccerrprp Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I keep forgetting the bad stuff she put me through and remembering only the good stuff and missing it. Don't you dare forget the bad!!!!!!! A lot of people remain in relationships b/c they delude themselves into remembering the good times at the expense of the bad times that existed and caused the demise of the relationship. Don't fall into this trap! People end relationships b/c of the bad that occurs, not the good. You were miserable b/c there was no end to the bad...intolerable. Stay objective and remember why it didn't work out. Link to post Share on other sites
erklat Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Why would you want to date someone on depression medicine? Don't you think you deserve better? I am on medicine, as are many people here. Your post labels a large group of normal people as second class material without any justification. So I'm second class material because my brain doesn't allow me to feel happiness? I'm not. I'm among the best there is. I think you should edit it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 First off I want to thank everyone who has a mood disorder for speaking up here. Seriously, it helps tremendously to hear from your side, get some perspective. It takes balls given the general pubic is still clueless. So thanks!!!! I was on the bi-polar rollar coaster with my ex-husband. I wont go into the details but his behavior was very typically of the more severe manic episodes and depression was more agitation and flatness. He fault the meds and theraphy...it sucked period. He cheated many times...I could right a screen play based on his lies and antics in regards to the other woman. Can I blame his BP? Yes and No. Although the problem with the mania is loss of impulse control, folks don't suddenly forget what is right or wrong. And here is where a huge problem is created. The guilt that is felt when they come crashing down to normal (or passing thru normal to depression) is hard to put into words. They know how awful their behavior is and as expressed by others on here, they can feel things x10. I state all this as a heads up. It is not uncommon for someone that is bi-polar to run away and start over (I am generalizing of course, it's a very complex and individual disorder but I read these stories over and over again regarding folks that had similar cycles as my ex). They can't handle the guilt, I am sure part of them doesn't want to, and it is easier for them to start with a clean slate. I know it sounds awful and cowardly, and it is BUT after learning what I have I do absolutely understand how they can feel this way. So don't hold out hope for her to be in your life down the line or to hear from her as you won't be part of that clean slate. Pray for her or send positive vibes if not the religious sort but you must let her go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Eagle755 Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 You guys are great, everyone of you. I treat nobody differently, bipolar, depressive, bpd, sociopaths, etc. Idc what you have. If you treat me well, if you make me feel better, if you're there for me, you have a place in my book. Although my ex may have all of these issues, and mental problems. I still loved her relentlessly, she was very bad at showing emotions, or even cuddling with me at night, never could comfort me or anything. Yet I stuck with her because that's what people do when they're in love, never once went out and found another girl when times got tough, didn't even think of it, not for a second. I'll always love her, and I really did love her, but due to her illness, and refusal to seek help, she treated me purely like trash, ended it with me because of fighting, fighting she always started, and slept with another guy. People with issues like her, are great lovers, I'm not gonna say I'd never go through that again, because I certainly would, but with an informed mind next time, with knowledge on how to handle it. Not with her though, because there's too much pain with that. Were all human, all looking to be accepted, there's someone for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Allumere Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Apologies if my previous post is hard to read...unfortunately can't edit. Those are typos bigger than my norms..lol Nancy Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts