characterbuilder2 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 This is a complicated situation. My husband I've been with for 12+ years and the (former) best friend (who is also married) I've known for 18+ years. To add fuel to this fire, I'm also in business with my (former) best friend for the past 14 years and we have over 50 employees. Here's what I saw and I need some advice on how to handle it. I was at her house and she has an indoor pool and my husband and I have swam there regularly for years. Last night, they both were drinking while we were swimming (I don't drink so I was sober). Between the two of them they shared 3 bottles of wine spread out over about 3 hours. I decided to get out first and change to go home leaving the best friend and husband drunk in the pool - he was supposed to get out and get changed minutes after me. The change room is maybe 20 feet from the pool area so I'm not far away. I'm starting to change and I faintly hear what I thought was the sound of her moaning in a sexual way. Intuition tells me that I should go and look so I put my towel back on (I've been gone for maybe 3 minutes) and walk back out. I then see her pressed up against the water jets (which have high water pressure) and my husband standing in front of her with his finger in her mouth while she sucks on it and moans from the water jets. I was shell-shocked and gutted. She had her back turned to me so she didn't even know I was there but once he saw me, he pulled his finger out of her mouth and started looking sheepish. I didn't want to confront them while they were both drunk so I turned around and walked away. My husband then got out of the water (with no erection) and got changed. In the car ride home, he admitted to pushing her into the jets but the moan was a surprise to him. He claimed he had no idea it would get to the point of her moaning and he isn't even attracted to her. I realize there was no penetration but I still saw it as a form of cheating and they were caught red-handed. I've seen my husband drunk many times over the years around women and never has he even remotely come close to anything sexual with someone else (drunk or sober). However, the (former) best friend did commit a prior act. About 16 years ago my (former) best friend and I were interested in the same guy (even though she had a long-term boyfriend at the time who she is now married to). We had a hotel room that we were going to share because there was going to be drinking. So she was drunk (I was sober) and I'm in one bed in the hotel room and they think I'm asleep. So they proceed to have sex about 2 feet away from me. I confront her on it when she's sober and she used the "I was really drunk" excuse and eventually I forgave her with the clear understanding that nothing like that would ever happen again. Cut to 16 years later, and she does something hurtful again, but this time, with someone I've been in a committed relationship with for 12+ years. To me this a 'fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me' situation and I should have cut her loose years ago when she proved that she can't be trusted. However, I'm a forgiving person, got past it the first time, and years later we started a successful business. I never thought it was even a possibility that she would betray that trust again, let alone with my husband. If she was just a friend, she'd be out of my life, but because we are in business together, it makes things ultra-complicated. What should I do? Oh, and her husband doesn't know anything about what happened. Link to post Share on other sites
Snakechammah Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I'm so sorry to hear this. That 'best friend' sounds like a total slutbag, to put it bluntly. I sense she may be jealous of you. Gosh I really despise people with no morals like this. Backstabbing a friend to get the husband's attention! While being married to someone else! Since you're both in a business, it's a bit complicated. I honestly don't know what to do cos I'm not a business woman and no clue how partnership like that works. But never EVER trust her again. You need to keep a close eye on your husband too. Drunk or not, he disrespected you, and if he chose a lowlife scumworm like her over you, he is not a worthy man. I hope you'll find peace over what happened. Stay vigilant! Link to post Share on other sites
LovemySons Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I'm sorry you're hurting Have you talked to her about what happened? What was her explanation? It's definitely going to be more complicated since you have a business together. If you have to continue working together, you'll have to find a way to be professional. But I wouldn't go to her house anymore. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I'm sorry you're in this situation, OP. I can't imagine the betrayal you must feel. You know now that she just can't be trusted. She's going to put her whims and desires above yours, and she doesn't respect your or her own marriage. As far as doing business together, I really don't know what to suggest. I think it's going to be very difficult to keep your personal problems from spilling over into your professional life together. As for your husband, I think he's full of sh*t when he says he's not attracted to her. I know I certainly don't go around sticking my fingers in the mouths of people I find unattractive. Are you sure this is the first time they've been frisky? It was awfully bold and quick for them to cozy up as soon as you'd disappeared. Have you observed any other inappropriate behaviour between the two of them before? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Your husband is the one that you need to deal with first. It's obvious that the man doesn't know when to stop with the wine. He gets boozed up and makes an ass out of himself by doing what he did with you friend. If he can't handle is booze then he better learn real quick and you better let him know in a way that he understands that he crossed the line and he has no one to blame but himself. As far as your friend, she might be your partner in business but you better do the same with her and let her know that being business partners doesn't mean that it extends to your husband and remind her of the incident 16 years ago and do it in a way that she knows that your not fooling around with her. When the three of you were together, where was her husband? You got a sticky situation here being that you have to work with her so either you guys just have a work relationship and nothing more or run the risk of her getting stupid again. Stop the socializing with her. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Sorry but il wondering where his other finger was. Obviously after seeing you his peepee is gonna down quick This was my first thought too. If he had her up against the water jet, it seems unlikely their only body contact was his finger in her mouth. He's giving you a pretty poor excuse/cover story and I would not believe for 1 second that he does not find her attractive. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Who owns control of the business? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BG11 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Are you sure this is the first time this has happened? You may want to clue her H in on this. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
April Moon Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 For this to happen so quickly while you were gone, I would assume something else has been going on previously. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author characterbuilder2 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Who owns control of the business? We are 50/50 partners so equal ownership interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Author characterbuilder2 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 For this to happen so quickly while you were gone, I would assume something else has been going on previously. Normally I would agree. But she basically has agoraphobia so she never leaves her house and doesn't drive anywhere. The only time they could have ever seen each other is at her house while I'm there. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Normally I would agree. But she basically has agoraphobia so she never leaves her house and doesn't drive anywhere. The only time they could have ever seen each other is at her house while I'm there. Well, yeah...but you were there this time, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author characterbuilder2 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 This was my first thought too. If he had her up against the water jet, it seems unlikely their only body contact was his finger in her mouth. He's giving you a pretty poor excuse/cover story and I would not believe for 1 second that he does not find her attractive. I'm not saying he's not guilty and he is utterly ashamed and can't believe it happened. We've already talked for hours about it and he's in a shame spiral. She is extremely obese so there is part of me that believes him that he's not attracted to her. There wasn't a lot of time for much to happen since I came back out 2 minutes after I left the pool. Trust me when I say the water jets alone can do all the work if you are in the right position and she was pushed up against it. They were both fully clothed, it was still daylight outside so it was easy to get a full visual. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I'm not saying he's not guilty and he is utterly ashamed and can't believe it happened. We've already talked for hours about it and he's in a shame spiral. She is extremely obese so there is part of me that believes him that he's not attracted to her. There wasn't a lot of time for much to happen since I came back out 2 minutes after I left the pool. Trust me when I say the water jets alone can do all the work if you are in the right position and she was pushed up against it. They were both fully clothed, it was still daylight outside so it was easy to get a full visual. So how does he explain his finger in her mouth? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Elle1975 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Talk to her. If you decide that's the right solution for you, I'd make it crystal clear that your relationship from now on is going to be of business nature only. Although hopefully she doesn't handle the business the same way she handled your husband. I'd probably look for a way to buy out her 50%. It seems though that you place very little blame on your husband, if any. When you have this conversation with her, it might be a good idea to include your own husband. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
yessy21 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Simple. Keep business and friendship separate. Work on business with her only... aside from anything else... theres no friendship when she sucked ur husbands finger. sorry. she would have banged him if she had the chance. So anything that is not business you have no business doing with her.... as for ur husband... someone had to put that finger in her mouth. I would let her know what u saw also... just so she knows that ur not naïve and that she needs to know that u and her will never be in the same place again. sorry but I think ur husband and her both need to get dumped. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author characterbuilder2 Posted June 30, 2014 Author Share Posted June 30, 2014 Talk to her. If you decide that's the right solution for you, I'd make it crystal clear that your relationship from now on is going to be of business nature only. Although hopefully she doesn't handle the business the same way she handled your husband. I'd probably look for a way to buy out her 50%. It seems though that you place very little blame on your husband, if any. When you have this conversation with her, it might be a good idea to include your own husband. I definitely blame both of them. But she has prior offenses and I know from the many times in the past that she's been drunk that her judgment is thrown out the window. I've known her for many years and I know of many mistakes she's made in the past that she's told me in confidence (for example, she slept with another friend of hers husband years ago). I'm a fool for ever trusting her again and my husband is a total jerk for what he did. Her husband is clueless and has no idea. I should have learned from the past. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I wasn't married, but my BF of 17 years since middle school slept with the guy I was in love with while we were having a little time out. She knew what it would do to me. It was the worst time in my life, well, almost. I dumped her completely and him, but he and I ended up working together and kept up over the decades. I never slept with him again. Like you, this had been a second betrayal, though not of the magnitude yours was as the first one was in high school and I cut her out of my circle then for 2 years and then ended up with her being in my dorm in college and we reunited. I learned not ever to give a betrayer a second chance. They just find out what you'll tolerate and then do worse. In my case, I had a big talk with her right before I kicked her out forever (roommate at the time) and found out she just wants my life. I was having an exciting life. I also noticed some clothes went missing, etc. She was trying to just slip into my shoes. After the big event, and I wasn't staying around or talking to her, she got my black book and contacted every one of my male friends and tried to get close to them by crying on their shoulder about me and all but one told me about it and told her she was a four letter word for doing that to me. But one I cared about sort of fell for her drivel and I had to straighten him out. That was the last straw. After that, no way I would keep her in my life. Quite honestly, you need to go to a law firm that has both family law and business law and tell them you need two attorneys, one to sever your business partnership and stop having to work together, and one for a divorce. Because what you witnessed certainly wasn't the first time. It was WAY too familiar, with the finger in the mouth and all that for a first time flirtation. I am sorrier than you can imagine for you having to go through this. Please lawyer up and get these toxic people out of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Sounds like you were an idealistic fool to ever trust her. However, what's done is done, and you now need a plan of action. Here's what i would do : - speak to a lawyer and an accountant, see what are the chances for you to keep most of the business [if not all], and how much of it your husband could possibly get in the case of a divorce - talk to husband, afterwards, and play hardball .. he has to work for the forgiveness and he has to understand that he has very few cards - if possible dissolve partnership, if not possible then i'd table it ... keep the partnership, make sure husband will not go to her house from then on [with the understanding that if he does it's automatic D ... i'd even go so far as to draw up the papers], Pretty much, i'd play hardball ... but for that you need information. They are both in the wrong, so the new relationship between all of you [whatever it will be] has to be negociated from a position of power [for you]. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 As for your husband, I think he's full of sh*t when he says he's not attracted to her. I know I certainly don't go around sticking my fingers in the mouths of people I find unattractive. Are you sure this is the first time they've been frisky? It was awfully bold and quick for them to cozy up as soon as you'd disappeared. Have you observed any other inappropriate behaviour between the two of them before? If you're drunk and a guy, yes you can engage in some act of a sexual nature and not be fully attracted to the woman. No, I'm not going to speak for all men, but lots. I know a number of guys that when it comes to ONS sex, their rule is 'don't be obese'....that's it. that covers a lot of willing women. From a sexual act perspective, sticking your finger in someone's mouth is pretty low on the 'wow that's wild' scale. the water jets were doing all work. I agree to see your best friend getting turned on with your husband there watching it and touching her it is a shock to see. I have to admit it was not as shacking as I expected while reading the OP (thought they would be having sex) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Normally I would agree. But she basically has agoraphobia so she never leaves her house and doesn't drive anywhere. The only time they could have ever seen each other is at her house while I'm there. If it wasn't so sad, this would be funny. Come on OP - you don't think he could meet up with her in her house on the sly? And just how long can a quickie take? You were gone for a few seconds and they were getting hot and bothered. And just because your husband didn't have a hard-on doesn't mean a thing. There's this thing called "whiskey dick" that happens to guys when they are drunk. It's hard to get it up; hard to keep it up; and can make orgasm nearly impossible. I have definitely experienced all three of these after drinking too much so don't place any confidence in this trivial detail. For me to cozy up with a woman while she is using the water jet to masturbate and stick my finger in her mouth is unthinkable - unless we were familiar enough so that I knew she would like it if I did this to her. The excitement of being so naughty with you so close by? Awesome fun - wouldn't you agree? You ask how you should take this and what you should do. I'm a man and I think you should take it as they have been sexual together and maybe still are. You should start an all-out search of everywhere your husband could hide emails, text's, notes and phone and credit card records. Just assume they are having an affair and find the evidence. Again, I'm a man and this thing smell's to high-heaven. That much smoke has to be fueled by a big fire. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Joaquin Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 I think they are having some sort of affair. On the day it could have been an opportunistic fumble in the hot tub but no way was this the first time they have been physical together. You don't go from chit chat to what happened. That line of argument is simply so unlikely as to lack credibility. Getting hot and heavy with you so close by also sounds like they are probably getting some sort of risk taking high from the affair, with inhibitions relaxed by the alcohol they pushed it too far that night and got caught. I hope it all works out for you. My inclination is that it will be very hard to forgive either of them. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 ... You should start an all-out search of everywhere your husband could hide emails, text's, notes and phone and credit card records. Just assume they are having an affair and find the evidence. You don't think someone's who been having a covert affair for years, and been hiding emails, expense records, would be a little more savvy when it comes to pulling a stunt with the wife just a couple of rooms away. If you were getting it on the regular, you'd just wait for next rendezvous in x days time, rather then risk it. I know they were drunk, and that clouds good judgment....from the perspective of getting slack on keeping an affair discreet, but also on actually engaging in this sort of play for the first time too. It could be either. I'd have thought a long time time lover would do more than stand there and stick a finger out. I still think she should check things out though too. I don't think its an offense worth breaking up a long term otherwise good marriage over though. That's up to her though, or if she wants to assume its much more. I agree not having an erection after drinking does not mean he was not attracted to her. Its still easy to get aroused mentally watching a plain looking woman masturbating. He was enjoying it, just like guys watching similar in a porn vid. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 You don't think someone's who been having a covert affair for years, and been hiding emails, expense records, would be a little more savvy when it comes to pulling a stunt with the wife just a couple of rooms away. If you were getting it on the regular, you'd just wait for next rendezvous in x days time, rather then risk it. I know they were drunk, and that clouds good judgment....from the perspective of getting slack on keeping an affair discreet, but also on actually engaging in this sort of play for the first time too. It could be either. I'd have thought a long time time lover would do more than stand there and stick a finger out. I still think she should check things out though too. I don't think its an offense worth breaking up a long term otherwise good marriage over though. That's up to her though, or if she wants to assume its much more. I agree not having an erection after drinking does not mean he was not attracted to her. Its still easy to get aroused mentally watching a plain looking woman masturbating. He was enjoying it, just like guys watching similar in a porn vid. I understand your point - its solid. BUT - masturbating with the water jet with only your friends husband in the pool and then giving his finger a BJ? Why is he that close to her? Why offer the finger? Why suck on that finger? Drunk people do risky things. Some people are into voyeurism and love the thrill of danger. This is just way too much sex-stuff to write off as over-flirtatious fun. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I understand your point - its solid. BUT - masturbating with the water jet with only your friends husband in the pool and then giving his finger a BJ? Why is he that close to her? Why offer the finger? Why suck on that finger? Drunk people do risky things. Some people are into voyeurism and love the thrill of danger. This is just way too much sex-stuff to write off as over-flirtatious fun. This exactly. In this context, I don't buy that they just got flirty and masturbatory in three minutes with no lead-up prior to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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