Best Friend & Husband Cheat & I saw it

[preraph]

He's obviously attracted to her or he wouldn't be sticking his finger in any of her orifices. Probably has nothing to do with love, but a lot of guys will cheat if they can and apparently he thinks he can right under your nose. You have to look at his actions and stop wondering about his emotions because his actions prove he thinks you're a blind fool and doesn't give a damn this was your best friend and business partner! He has no care at all for how this destroys your world, therefore he has no care for you.

[characterbuilder2]

You don't think someone's who been having a covert affair for years, and been hiding emails, expense records, would be a little more savvy when it comes to pulling a stunt with the wife just a couple of rooms away. If you were getting it on the regular, you'd just wait for next rendezvous in x days time, rather then risk it. I know they were drunk, and that clouds good judgment....from the perspective of getting slack on keeping an affair discreet, but also on actually engaging in this sort of play for the first time too. It could be either. I'd have thought a long time time lover would do more than stand there and stick a finger out. I still think she should check things out though too. I don't think its an offense worth breaking up a long term otherwise good marriage over though. That's up to her though, or if she wants to assume its much more.

 

I agree not having an erection after drinking does not mean he was not attracted to her. Its still easy to get aroused mentally watching a plain looking woman masturbating. He was enjoying it, just like guys watching similar in a porn vid.

 

I don't think they were having a long-term affair. It's hard to explain here the extent of her agoraphobia - she works from home, her husband works from home and they don't go out anywhere so there is very little opportunity to hook up. I handle all of our finances so there isn't a bill I don't see. Up until the other night, our marriage has been nothing but loving - my relationship with her has been more rocky with plenty of fights over the years and part of me believes that she's always been jealous of me.

 

I've been to other forums where people have described their 'drunk and cheated' experiences and most say that they blacked out and were shocked that they did it. For example one woman wrote: "I had no plans of cheating. I was with a colleague whom I had just met and she was flirting with a guy. His friend was flirting with me. I was not attracted to him, and I told him I am married and I love my husband! Somehow though as the night went on and I went from wine to champagne to shots and back to wine I blacked out and I slept with this guy! I awoke hating myself and felt so ashamed and guilty." I can't see people lying about their 'blackout' on an anonymous forum. Most people on these forums are ashamed, guilty and dumbfounded as to why it happened in the first place. My husband remembers very little from that night which may just be a convenient excuse.

 

Basically, I believe for many people, being drunk changes their personality and I've seen it from many people over the years. It's by no means an acceptable excuse, but my husband was glassy-eyed, staggering drunk that night and my (former) best friend definitely appeared more sober. It was broad daylight so it was easy to see the extent of impairment. I've seen her in so many drunk and flirty situations over the past 18 years that I know she's capable of ignoring her morals since she's cheated on her husband before on more than one occasion in the time I've known her. It's my too-trusting nature that stupidly allowed me to believe that she would never do it with someone I was with since she was like a sister - not that I ever thought it was ok when she cheated on her husband and I always vilified her for it when she did. She's clearly self-destructive and toxic and she proves that time and again. I plan to cut ties (although it will take time because of our business relationship). The husband, I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.

[characterbuilder2]

So how does he explain his finger in her mouth?

 

It definitely doesn't explain it. But on the scale of cheating, where does finger sucking fall?

[Trimmer]

Basically, I believe for many people, being drunk changes their personality and I've seen it from many people over the years.

Many people believe that alcohol lowers inhibitions, so that one's true personality comes out when drunk. Bad news for people using alcohol as an excuse for poor behavior, but you don't become something that you are not already.

[Charlie Harper]

I definitely blame both of them. But she has prior offenses and I know from the many times in the past that she's been drunk that her judgment is thrown out the window. I've known her for many years and I know of many mistakes she's made in the past that she's told me in confidence (for example, she slept with another friend of hers husband years ago). I'm a fool for ever trusting her again and my husband is a total jerk for what he did. Her husband is clueless and has no idea. I should have learned from the past.

 

So you know she has problems related to alcohol, and pro judgement… no difference here.

 

If you're drunk and a guy, yes you can engage in some act of a sexual nature and not be fully attracted to the woman. From a sexual act perspective, sticking your finger in someone's mouth is pretty low on the 'wow that's wild' scale.

 

Yes to this on both instances….

 

It definitely doesn't explain it. But on the scale of cheating, where does finger sucking fall?

 

Exactly!, if you burn all the bridges in your marriage and your work, what you are going to tell in the future? My husband cheated on me by sticking his finger on my ex partners mouth for 2 minutes… YOU ARE KIDDING RIGHT?

 

Don't fuel your imagination, use common sense, these two had too much to drink and people do STUPID things while intoxicated, no they did not have sex, the mere fact that you were yards away from them is reason enough to see they had no common sense and were doing stupid things.

 

But its your life, your marriage, your partner, and sometimes people like to burn bridges and destroy the world instead of TALKING to both….

The choice is yours:

Think they are the worst and need to be destroyed

see what is going on and move on…accordingly...

[drifter777]

Unless someone is drugged, I don't believe that a drunken black-out is anything more than an excuse to give yourself permission to cheat on your spouse.

 

There's a famous latin phrase "In vino veritas" that means "in wine, truth". In my opinion, alcohol doesn't change your character; it reveals it.

[preraph]

Being drunk is no excuse! All it does is add one more log on the fire of why to leave him! All liquor does is remove some inhibitions and filters. People don't get drunk and intentionally do things they actually really didn't have the urge to do, whether it's stick a finger in your wife's friend or smack your wife around.

 

Using drunk as an excuse is very very lame if that is what he was doing. You don't think if this was the first incident, her reaction might have been a little more alarmed or something? Those two are comfy.

 

And when's the last time you got drunk and accidentally stuck a finger in his best friend? So according to your husband, if that happened, he should be perfectly fine with that since you were drunk when it happened. Right.

Edited July 1, 2014 by preraph

[Trimmer]

From a sexual act perspective, sticking your finger in someone's mouth is pretty low on the 'wow that's wild' scale. the water jets were doing all work.

Yeah, but as you point out, that assumes you have already turned to the page marked "Sexual acts" in the guidebook.

 

Let's flip a few pages back to "Ways we expect to interact with others when we are married." It turns out that backing someone into water jets, and then putting your finger in her mouth so she can fellate it while she moans in sexual gratification is pretty worrisome on that scale.

[drifter777]

Also I think some men cannot get hard under water. You never do something you don't want to do when u r drunk....you just lose inhibitions. Were they flirtatious before?

I can't speak for others but "under water" has never been even the slightest deterrent to my cock. I've screwed in the shower, the bath tub, hot tub, lake, a river, etc. - with zero problems. In fact, I've fuc_ked a lot of girls (in my youth) while swimming with a bunch of other people in the water. Just slide in behind her and slip it in. Its also easy to just pull out if someone gets close or my wife gives me a suspicious look.

[Smilecharmer]

Also I think some men cannot get hard under water. You never do something you don't want to do when u r drunk....you just lose inhibitions. Were they flirtatious before?

 

Men can get hard anywhere. Water sex is my husbands favorite recreation.

[SmartDude]

I didn't want to confront them while they were both drunk so I turned around and walked away. My husband then got out of the water (with no erection) and got changed. In the car ride home, he admitted to pushing her into the jets but the moan was a surprise to him. He claimed he had no idea it would get to the point of her moaning and he isn't even attracted to her. I realize there was no penetration but I still saw it as a form of cheating and they were caught red-handed.

 

This does not sound like a huge deal. It is your reaction which is the key to all this I think. You could have yelled bloody murder and broke down at the moment you saw what was happening. But you didn't.

 

Instead it was kind of a: "Oh this is a bad scene, they are drunk, lets talk this out later".

 

If it is not a big deal, then don't make it one. If she is your friend I can see how she would feel more comfortable with your husband. Familiarity plus the fact that you left them together while drunk may have been enough for them to forget important things. They slipped up.

 

Again I implore you to weigh both sides here. Too many people break up or divorce simply because the other partner has done something of a sexual/flirty nature with another person. A lot of the time it is just being horny and has nothing to do with wanting to leave the relationship.

 

So I am just saying that maybe its not worth it to make this a big thing. The damage and long term outcome may be greater if you make this into an event that needs resolution. Especially with a business involved!

[characterbuilder2]

This does not sound like a huge deal. It is your reaction which is the key to all this I think. You could have yelled bloody murder and broke down at the moment you saw what was happening. But you didn't.

 

Instead it was kind of a: "Oh this is a bad scene, they are drunk, lets talk this out later".

 

If it is not a big deal, then don't make it one. If she is your friend I can see how she would feel more comfortable with your husband. Familiarity plus the fact that you left them together while drunk may have been enough for them to forget important things. They slipped up.

 

Again I implore you to weigh both sides here. Too many people break up or divorce simply because the other partner has done something of a sexual/flirty nature with another person. A lot of the time it is just being horny and has nothing to do with wanting to leave the relationship.

 

So I am just saying that maybe its not worth it to make this a big thing. The damage and long term outcome may be greater if you make this into an event that needs resolution. Especially with a business involved!

 

It is a huge deal because it's behavior that best friends and husbands shouldn't be doing. Ever. I didn't confront them primarily because they were both drunk and communicating with them in that drunken state would likely just make me more infuriated. Plus, I was shell-shocked by what I saw. The other factor was that her husband was home but out in the front doing yard work, which compounded everything because I didn't necessarily want to be the one to hurt him with the information, that's on her to tell him.

 

However, I'm old enough to recognize that people make stupid mistakes, and I don't know that I'm ready to give up on a long-term, otherwise good, relationship. Hillary Clinton didn't and Bill got a blow job, not a finger sucking. With the friend, I've already forgiven her for a similar offense in the past and I just don't see how I could ever trust her again and I don't owe her forgiveness a second time, especially when it involved my husband.

[ExpatInItaly]

It is a huge deal because it's behavior that best friends and husbands shouldn't be doing. Ever. I didn't confront them primarily because they were both drunk and communicating with them in that drunken state would likely just make me more infuriated. Plus, I was shell-shocked by what I saw. The other factor was that her husband was home but out in the front doing yard work, which compounded everything because I didn't necessarily want to be the one to hurt him with the information, that's on her to tell him.

 

However, I'm old enough to recognize that people make stupid mistakes, and I don't know that I'm ready to give up on a long-term, otherwise good, relationship. Hillary Clinton didn't and Bill got a blow job, not a finger sucking. With the friend, I've already forgiven her for a similar offense in the past and I just don't see how I could ever trust her again and I don't owe her forgiveness a second time, especially when it involved my husband.

 

I 100% agree with you, OP. This is completely unacceptable. They've both proven that they're not trustworthy. How on earth did your husband explain his finger in her mouth?

 

And being "black-out" drunk is a cop-out, despite what cheaters on random internet forums say. Alcohol lowers inhibitions, certainly. But it doesn't explain cheating, particularly with someone who is close to you (ie. wife's best friend) Particularly when such a short time elapsed. That's opportunism.

[Trimmer]

So your husband is ALL MEN!! LOL

 

It depends on a lot of stuff, I said SOME MEN. Can't. Speak for all men as I've not had sex with all of them, have you? Lol

 

At a certain age stress can make a man lose his erection even if he was wanting sex. Also drink can be a downer.

I think this is a kind of an academic argument relative to the main point here... The existence (or not) of an alleged boner doesn't really change the foundation of the issue - he had her backed up against the jets, and she was getting off and sucking on his finger at the same time.

 

I don't think a perceived lack of tumescence is really an indication of anything useful here, and to dwell on it is really a bit of a distraction from the main issue.

[ascendotum]

I think this is a kind of an academic argument relative to the main point here... The existence (or not) of an alleged boner doesn't really change the foundation of the issue - he had her backed up against the jets, and she was getting off and sucking on his finger at the same time.

.

 

I don't especially see this as the OPs husband being the opportunistic sex fiend here. I find in a lot of controversial threads on here that people add in extra bits of information to make it sound a lot worse or vice versa.

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and distorts good judgment for both M & F, but for women it raises their testosterone and makes many a lot more hornier. While for guys after a certain point it will lower T levels. I'd say OP's female freind was probably already leaning back on the jets and enjoying the sensation, and when the OP left the room, she was less restrained and let the guy know she was really getting turned on. As for who's idea it was with the finger sucking...who knows. Either of us could be right.

[Trimmer]

I don't especially see this as the OPs husband being the opportunistic sex fiend here. I find in a lot of controversial threads on here that people add in extra bits of information to make it sound a lot worse or vice versa.

 

...As for who's idea it was with the finger sucking...who knows. Either of us could be right.

I don't especially see this as the OPs husband being the opportunistic sex fiend here. I find in a lot of controversial threads on here that people add in extra bits of information to make it sound a lot worse or vice versa.

Fair enough, and the "backed her into the jets" is probably an overstatement, based on what we know - I acknowledge that.

 

But I'll go right back to what I said in an earlier post: If we're talking "on the scale of sexual acts", then yes, this is pretty tame. But we're not; we're talking about how you act when you're in a marriage. On that scale, physically participating in someone else's sexual gratification is unacceptable, regardless of "whose idea it was with the finger sucking."

[jan2012]

This is a complicated situation. My husband I've been with for 12+ years and the (former) best friend (who is also married) I've known for 18+ years. To add fuel to this fire, I'm also in business with my (former) best friend for the past 14 years and we have over 50 employees.

 

Here's what I saw and I need some advice on how to handle it. I was at her house and she has an indoor pool and my husband and I have swam there regularly for years. Last night, they both were drinking while we were swimming (I don't drink so I was sober). Between the two of them they shared 3 bottles of wine spread out over about 3 hours. I decided to get out first and change to go home leaving the best friend and husband drunk in the pool - he was supposed to get out and get changed minutes after me. The change room is maybe 20 feet from the pool area so I'm not far away. I'm starting to change and I faintly hear what I thought was the sound of her moaning in a sexual way. Intuition tells me that I should go and look so I put my towel back on (I've been gone for maybe 3 minutes) and walk back out. I then see her pressed up against the water jets (which have high water pressure) and my husband standing in front of her with his finger in her mouth while she sucks on it and moans from the water jets. I was shell-shocked and gutted. She had her back turned to me so she didn't even know I was there but once he saw me, he pulled his finger out of her mouth and started looking sheepish. I didn't want to confront them while they were both drunk so I turned around and walked away. My husband then got out of the water (with no erection) and got changed. In the car ride home, he admitted to pushing her into the jets but the moan was a surprise to him. He claimed he had no idea it would get to the point of her moaning and he isn't even attracted to her. I realize there was no penetration but I still saw it as a form of cheating and they were caught red-handed.

 

I've seen my husband drunk many times over the years around women and never has he even remotely come close to anything sexual with someone else (drunk or sober). However, the (former) best friend did commit a prior act. About 16 years ago my (former) best friend and I were interested in the same guy (even though she had a long-term boyfriend at the time who she is now married to). We had a hotel room that we were going to share because there was going to be drinking. So she was drunk (I was sober) and I'm in one bed in the hotel room and they think I'm asleep. So they proceed to have sex about 2 feet away from me. I confront her on it when she's sober and she used the "I was really drunk" excuse and eventually I forgave her with the clear understanding that nothing like that would ever happen again. Cut to 16 years later, and she does something hurtful again, but this time, with someone I've been in a committed relationship with for 12+ years.

 

To me this a 'fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me' situation and I should have cut her loose years ago when she proved that she can't be trusted. However, I'm a forgiving person, got past it the first time, and years later we started a successful business. I never thought it was even a possibility that she would betray that trust again, let alone with my husband. If she was just a friend, she'd be out of my life, but because we are in business together, it makes things ultra-complicated. What should I do? Oh, and her husband doesn't know anything about what happened.

 

 

Who cares, they were flirting with something they shouldn't have been doing. I would get mad, go off a bit on your friend so she know's it's not ok with you. And move on. Unless your husband has a history of cheating, I would move on and let everyone know you like to have a good time, but the people in your life need to respect your boundaries and make sure they hear you say that!