Akward moment in a public venue. What do you think?

[mrloverman]

So here's the scenario: I'm out having lunch with a woman who happens to be a friend, and she happens to be attractive. Upon leaving the establishment I see the WS who has been having an affair with me for years sitting there and having a bite to eat with the BS and some friends. She looks at me with this stone cold expression which was the prequel for the pillorying I was about to receive.

 

The next day she went off into this tirade that I am dishonest, a liar, a typical male, "doing stuff behind her back", and the irony is that she was actually sitting at the table with the BS who doesn't have a clue. Well.....I think he suspects something, but he never confronted her. But what really baffles me is that this woman only contacts me when it's convenient for her, and when I tried to reach out in the past to want to see her she would at times ignore me for days, and then ridicule me by stating that my life was so simple compared to hers. This WS has treated me like a second class citizen on many occasions, but I understood the dynamics since she has so much to lose doing what she does.

 

So help me out here. I'm not allowed to live my own life and socialize (no sex), but she has a right to excoriate me for being a two-timer while she is married doing what she does? She pushes me away all the time and pulls me in when she needs me, so I can't have a bit of a social life? Is she that jealous and hurt? Which is confusing to me because she has not sought out contact with me for about a week prior to seeing her in the other day in public. What kind of person is she?

 

thanks for reading this.

[Owl]

The REAL question here is...what kind of person are YOU?

 

Are you going to accept that behavior from her? Why continue on with the affair if this is what you get, how it makes you feel?

 

Time to move on, my friend.

[mrloverman]

The REAL question here is...what kind of person are YOU?

 

Are you going to accept that behavior from her? Why continue on with the affair if this is what you get, how it makes you feel?

 

Time to move on, my friend.

 

I agree with you 100%. I know what I've gotten myself into with her, but my question is centered around this idea that I am the apparent low life and she is " hurt". She has to understand that I'm not waiting by the phone 24/7. Odd behavior all of a sudden, especially with her having expressed in the past that I need a social life too.

[Owl]

I agree with you 100%. I know what I've gotten myself into with her, but my question is centered around this idea that I am the apparent low life and she is " hurt". She has to understand that I'm not waiting by the phone 24/7. Odd behavior all of a sudden, especially with her having expressed in the past that I need a social life too.

 

Fair enough...so what are you going to do differently, based on this?

[mrloverman]

Fair enough...so what are you going to do differently, based on this?

 

 

Move on of course. I was head over heels for her years ago for short while, but then lost feelings for her and it has become a physical affair for the most part. So do you understand why I am baffled by the whole thing? She acted like we are married and caught me in bed with someone all of a sudden. At the same time, she's done her best to keep me at arms length ("dirty little secret" I guess) over the years, and on other occasions she's taking serious risks spending time with me in public. She is the one who's married living the lie; I was just providing a service I guess.

 

She's going through a tough time at home and work, and seeing her paramour out and about with a girl who's twelve years her junior probably sent her imagination into overdrive. I told the girl I was with that the WS I am seeing is in the establishment as we walked in to the parking lot. She's a good friend and knows all about the affair. She thinks it's a load of hypocrisy for the WS to lash out at me. I can't have female friends? What gives he?

[whichwayisup]

She's jealous, it's that simple. In her mind it's okay for her to live life with her husband because you know about him, you knew going in she was married. She wants you at her beck and call, even though she may say live your life too, she really doesn't want you to see anybody else but her.

 

Screw that. You deserve better so I hope you can walk away. Cut her out of your life and get over her.

[Owl]

Move on of course. I was head over heels for her years ago for short while, but then lost feelings for her and it has become a physical affair for the most part. So do you understand why I am baffled by the whole thing? She acted like we are married and caught me in bed with someone all of a sudden. At the same time, she's done her best to keep me at arms length ("dirty little secret" I guess) over the years, and on other occasions she's taking serious risks spending time with me in public. She is the one who's married living the lie; I was just providing a service I guess.

 

She's going through a tough time at home and work, and seeing her paramour out and about with a girl who's twelve years her junior probably sent her imagination into overdrive. I told the girl I was with that the WS I am seeing is in the establishment as we walked in to the parking lot. She's a good friend and knows all about the affair. She thinks it's a load of hypocrisy for the WS to lash out at me. I can't have female friends? What gives he?

 

Jealousy is rarely rational.

 

And frankly...if you're ending it and moving on, I wouldn't waste any more time/effort trying to understand where she's coming from.

 

Tell her it's over, and move on.

[mrloverman]

I hear ya.......I'm usually the rational one, but since there are emotions involved and I feel literally "used" by her decision to now all of a sudden delete me out of her life, I'm not thinking as clearly as I normally do. I'm only human. My emotions are not a light switch.

[veryhappy]

Did you ever agree to a monogamous relationship on your side?

 

If not, then she's simply jealous and posessive. Women don't do just sex well, so if she's sexually into you chances are she's bonded enough that her reaction to seeing you with another woman will be "hey, take your hands off, that's my man".

[MissBee]

So here's the scenario: I'm out having lunch with a woman who happens to be a friend, and she happens to be attractive. Upon leaving the establishment I see the WS who has been having an affair with me for years sitting there and having a bite to eat with the BS and some friends. She looks at me with this stone cold expression which was the prequel for the pillorying I was about to receive.

 

The next day she went off into this tirade that I am dishonest, a liar, a typical male, "doing stuff behind her back", and the irony is that she was actually sitting at the table with the BS who doesn't have a clue. Well.....I think he suspects something, but he never confronted her. But what really baffles me is that this woman only contacts me when it's convenient for her, and when I tried to reach out in the past to want to see her she would at times ignore me for days, and then ridicule me by stating that my life was so simple compared to hers. This WS has treated me like a second class citizen on many occasions, but I understood the dynamics since she has so much to lose doing what she does.

 

So help me out here. I'm not allowed to live my own life and socialize (no sex), but she has a right to excoriate me for being a two-timer while she is married doing what she does? She pushes me away all the time and pulls me in when she needs me, so I can't have a bit of a social life? Is she that jealous and hurt? Which is confusing to me because she has not sought out contact with me for about a week prior to seeing her in the other day in public. What kind of person is she?

 

thanks for reading this.

 

What do you mean by what kind of person is she? Does it matter? Will it change your relationship with her? Are you guys still having an A or are you done?

 

In any event even if people are having affairs it doesn't make many of them rational and doesn't take away jealousy when their AP is "cheating" on them or presumably doing so. Mate-guarding is a normal behavior and why affairs are such a problem because it's hard for most OW/OM and even the cheating WS to put their feelings of jealousy and possessiveness aside, even given the limitations and obvious double standards. Also why OW get upset about OOW even though MM has a wife.

 

Most people want fidelity and to feel special...yes even cheaters...but too bad that with the A it makes that very difficult.

 

You can tell her she has no right to be upset and she needs to deal with you being able to do what you want until she divorces or you can apologize to her profusely and try to reassure her that you aren't cheating on her....although the latter I'm sure will feel absurd.

[mrloverman]

Did you ever agree to a monogamous relationship on your side?

 

If not, then she's simply jealous and posessive. Women don't do just sex well, so if she's sexually into you chances are she's bonded enough that her reaction to seeing you with another woman will be "hey, take your hands off, that's my man".

 

 

 

Yes we did, but I was always honest with her regarding meeting and knowing ton of people through my social circles. I am an affable, down to earth, and easy to get along with person...I love company, and my privacy too.

 

But here's the deal: is she trying to tell me that she hasn't acquiesced here and there and given in to her husband's needs, even though she hates his guts and constantly complains about the lack of attraction and his condescending ways? Again, affairs are wrong because they're not built on a solid foundation. I'm not stupid tho. One thing I've learned about women is that they'll paint some guys in a negative light but to put you at ease but end up sleeping with them anyway!

 

The reason I posted this was how can an intelligent, high earning married woman having an affair, accuse me of screwing around and being a low- life? She plays it so cool, aloof, sophisticated, compassionate, level-headed, etc., but when she saw me with someone else I think that reality hit her in the face. She thinks she's in control but she's not, right?

[mrloverman]

You can tell her she has no right to be upset and she needs to deal with you being able to do what you want until she divorces or you can apologize to her profusely and try to reassure her that you aren't cheating on her....although the latter I'm sure will feel absurd.

 

 

Riiight?? Apologize to someone who ignores me most of the time but wants me to be at her beck and call when she's in the mood? She should make me mow her lawn and clean out the gutters while she's at it. Crazy!

[whichwayisup]

But here's the deal: is she trying to tell me that she hasn't acquiesced here and there and given in to her husband's needs, even though she hates his guts and constantly complains about the lack of attraction and his condescending ways?

 

Yet she still lives life with him, does family outings with him, sleeps in the same bed with him. I'm sorry but she is fooling you (or you are fooling yourself) by believing she isn't having sex or any kind of intimacy with her husband.

 

IF things are that bad, why on earth hasn't she filed for divorced? Or at best, separated from him?

 

People who want out of their marriage and want to divorce, make it happen.

[mrloverman]

Yet she still lives life with him, does family outings with him, sleeps in the same bed with him. I'm sorry but she is fooling you (or you are fooling yourself) by believing she isn't having sex or any kind of intimacy with her husband.

 

IF things are that bad, why on earth hasn't she filed for divorced? Or at best, separated from him?

 

People who want out of their marriage and want to divorce, make it happen.

 

 

I agree with you, and believe me, I was never fooling myself.

 

I ran into her and we had a talk in which she basically stated that the trust is gone and she has to cut me out of her life, so asked her flat out why it's not okay for me to be out and about having a bite to eat while she goes out on family vacations etc. She apparently was really hurt seeing me out with someone else, which I understand. At the same time, her contact with me was not consistent and she kept me hanging for days or weeks sometimes. I can't go out and socialize and have a good time? We're not married for crying out loud. She thinks I'm having sex behind her back. Funny for her to accuse me if you really analyze her life.

 

The bottom line is that she is actually a whole lot more into me emotionally than I thought. Odd if you really think of it because she often treated me like a burden because she was busy and stressed.

Edited July 1, 2014 by mrloverman