Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Just an FYI. Just because your ex jumped into another relationship so soon, doesn't mean its a rebound. Just found out my ex is getting engaged and moving away with with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 4 months. Yep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex pretty much left her BF to be with me and I never got the impression that she was rebounding. Either way, it didn't work. I don't know if it will work with your ex either Link to post Share on other sites
sugarlove Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex jumped into a relationship with me a month after he broke up with his then gf of 4 years. He insisted I am not a rebound and as hard as it was to believe him, I wanted to give it a chance. It lasted 10.5 months, we wanted to settle down, we knew each others' families, so it didn't look like a rebound to others for a while. BUT. AS fast as he fell in love with me, he fell out of it just as quickly. So in hindsight, despite it lasted longer than a typical rebound, the way he just dropped the relationship like trash, it was a rebound. Oh well.. i had fun while it lasted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex pretty much left her BF to be with me and I never got the impression that she was rebounding. Either way, it didn't work. I don't know if it will work with your ex either Oh I'm over it. But I se a lot of rebound talk on here so I thought I would mention it. Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex jumped into a relationship with me a month after he broke up with his then gf of 4 years. He insisted I am not a rebound and as hard as it was to believe him, I wanted to give it a chance. It lasted 10.5 months, we wanted to settle down, we knew each others' families, so it didn't look like a rebound to others for a while. BUT. AS fast as he fell in love with me, he fell out of it just as quickly. So in hindsight, despite it lasted longer than a typical rebound, the way he just dropped the relationship like trash, it was a rebound. Oh well.. i had fun while it lasted. Is it a rebound because it quickly fell apart? My relationship only lasted six months, and she dropped me in a flash. I never saw it coming. Link to post Share on other sites
sugarlove Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Well, it's definitely not true love, is it? Either way, rebound or not, if they drop us that easily, the whole relationship means nothing to them. If our bond holds so much value, why would they walk away just like that? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Well, it's definitely not true love, is it? Either way, rebound or not, if they drop us that easily, the whole relationship means nothing to them. If our bond holds so much value, why would they walk away just like that? That I do agree with. In the end, the bond meant nothing to them. Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 If these people were/are love avoidants, they will run when the r'ship feels too intense for them. That can vary from person to person. My bf did this to me after one year of going out (I think the year mark triggered him). Avoidants don't need a reason. They just bail. Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 More accurate advice might be to not assume that a rebound relationship will not / can not develop into something more. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
redbaron005 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 If these people were/are love avoidants, they will run when the r'ship feels too intense for them. That can vary from person to person. My bf did this to me after one year of going out (I think the year mark triggered him). Avoidants don't need a reason. They just bail. I've been pretty avoident in the past and will say there is always a reason. Obviously, though, I'd avoid telling you it. Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I've been pretty avoident in the past and will say there is always a reason. Obviously, though, I'd avoid telling you it. Avoidants tend to get overly critical of their partner. This is all part of their underlying need to escape the r'ship. So sure, you will have your 'reasons' but at least in the case of my r'ship, his so called reasons (at least the ones he told me; I know there were others) were nitpicky and/or old wars that we already covered and should not have been brought up as reasons to breakup. Everything he told me were things that we could have worked on. Obviously getting out was more important. I think his real reason for ending it was simply he felt pressured/stifled/whatever. I'm sure part of that was my fault but a big part of it was him being an avoidant. If i had known before we broke up that he was an avoidant I would have been a lot more understanding of his need for so much space. (It still would have sucked, but I would have understood why he needed it.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Point of this is to just forget about them the best you can. People make rash decisions so you should assume they are gone for good. This is why NC is a must. That way you don't find out about stuff like this 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FredJones80 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Just an FYI. Just because your ex jumped into another relationship so soon, doesn't mean its a rebound. Just found out my ex is getting engaged and moving away with with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 4 months. Yep. Firstly, people confuse leaving someone for someone else and a "rebound" - they are totally two different things. A rebound is something that happens after a split, more likely by the person who got dumped, to get over things. Thats what a rebound is, to get over things, that is why the tend not to last. Moving on to someone else from one relationship to another is poor at best, but it certainly isn't a rebound because they're not rebounding from something, they're moving on to.... sure they may find out the grass isn't greener, what they had was better than what they perceived would be in the new relationship, but either way this could last 2 months or 22 years. They may indeed be a better fit, or your ex may just put up with more with them that they didn't with you, who knows how peoples minds work. Smarty Pants, sucks for you but I wouldn't worry about it too much, move on as best you can. Anyone who is getting engaged after 4 months is pretty childish, sure things could work out but I'd say the chances are more luck than real compatibility - they won't even know enough about each other, haven't lived together and the feeling of "in love" hasn't worn off yet. There is a good chance it will end in tears - although, don't wait, because it just might not. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
sugarlove Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I've noticed a lot of breakups happens just before the 1 year period so if that means anything, it's most likely a bit early for anyone to get engaged in just 4 months as anything before the 1 year mark is still considered honeymoon period as I've learnt. There could be many reasons why it could have happened but it'll serve you no good to categorise her new relationship as anything but the fact that she is no longer invested in what she used to have with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 I've noticed a lot of breakups happens just before the 1 year period so if that means anything, it's most likely a bit early for anyone to get engaged in just 4 months as anything before the 1 year mark is still considered honeymoon period as I've learnt. There could be many reasons why it could have happened but it'll serve you no good to categorise her new relationship as anything but the fact that she is no longer invested in what she used to have with you. Yeah I'm not trying to categorize hers, nor did I before when they first started dating. Everyone would tell me not to worry because it was a rebound, but I know better than that. Feeling really anxious today about the whole thing. I mean, 6 months ago this is someone I thought I was going to marry. And now she is up and moving away with someone else and planning to get married. 4 months down and I was fine until this was dropped on me. Maybe it's the finality of it all. Still don't understand why she bothers throwing it in my face. If she has moved on, what's the point in telling me? Link to post Share on other sites
Atem Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 If these people were/are love avoidants, they will run when the r'ship feels too intense for them. That can vary from person to person. My bf did this to me after one year of going out (I think the year mark triggered him). Avoidants don't need a reason. They just bail. Can you elaborate on that a bit? are you saying that these people will purposefully find a reason to poke a hole into a perfectly good relationship just to find an excuse to bail? And if so, do these people always stay single? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Just an FYI. Just because your ex jumped into another relationship so soon, doesn't mean its a rebound. Just found out my ex is getting engaged and moving away with with her new boyfriend. They have been dating for 4 months. Yep. Very true. The guy my exW is currently living with moved into the house about two months after I got it rehabbed and they've been there ever since, now nearly five years. No rebound there 1 Link to post Share on other sites
life-is-short Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex told me she just "wasn't ready for a relationship" with me and that she "had lots of things to work through"... so we broke up and then I found out she was going out/dating the ex she was with before me! This was the same ex that she texted frequently during our relationship and when I asked her about such texting, she insisted it didn't mean anything (yep, I know...I'm a shmuck). In other words, she lied about her reason for not wanting to be with me. But it is helpful in a way. Words are usually irrelevant. Actions are everything. So she's shown me very clearly there is no hope that she will change and I'm actually grateful the relationship is over. She wants attention from other men and she's not a stable partner. It sucks the relationship is over, but better now than stay with her for years and have her (continue to) cheat on me. On to greener pastures... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Smarty Pants Posted July 1, 2014 Author Share Posted July 1, 2014 Can you elaborate on that a bit? are you saying that these people will purposefully find a reason to poke a hole into a perfectly good relationship just to find an excuse to bail? And if so, do these people always stay single? I had always done this in the past with previous girlfriends until this last one. It was more just not being right for each other than me looking for a reason to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 Can you elaborate on that a bit? are you saying that these people will purposefully find a reason to poke a hole into a perfectly good relationship just to find an excuse to bail? And if so, do these people always stay single? I'm not an expert by any means, lol, but since discovering my ex is an avoidant I have quickly been learning. I also cannot say they 'always' will do anything. I know there are exceptions to anything. But from what i've read, a true avoidant who isn't either aware or working on their issues, will follow the same pattern. At first they think the new person is the person of their dreams, they fall fast and hard. They think the person is perfect (and tell them so). But after a while they start to become overly critical of the person they used to think was so perfect. Around that time they start finding other things to do..many have addictions of various kinds (in my ex'es case, his addiction was work, but it can be porn, drinking, etc.) ...they do these things to escape the emotional intimacy that's developing in the r'ship. Meanwhile nitpicking the partner is probably another way to excuse their behavior of wanting to get away. Eventually either something happens and they snap, like the partner wants a true commitment (engagement or moving in), or maybe an anniversary date triggers them (in my ex'es case I think the 1 year mark may have done it, but i don't know)...they freak out and they bail. It's their fear of commitment that makes them run, but they won't necessarily know or admit to that--they use their shopping list of "reasons" as their excuse. Again, I generalize. Some avoidants probably flat out say they aren't ready to commit. Again, I dont know a lot about this yet. I have a few books on order. If an avoidant does marry, apparently they will often have affairs, addictions, and other 'escape routes' to avoid the intimacy of the marriage. It's usually caused because a parent has enmeshed them as a child, so they have a deep fear of being smothered by a partner, as they were by their parent. In my ex'es case, his mother made him a surrogate husband when he was very young--he was made to take care of his 4 younger siblings from a very young age, and even at 54 years old his mother still tries to control his life at every turn. She will accuse him of abandoning the family , etc if he doesn't run to her every beckon call. The amount of anger he has inside towards her is intense, has been building his entire life. He has nightmares every single night. He isn't really aware of that deep seated anger towards her or why. He only feels compelled to keep helping her (and everyone else). And he is also compelled to avoid intimacy w/ a woman, a partner. He's a love avoidant. It's tragic. The saddest thing is he has no idea. He says he's "cursed" and cannot understand why he has never been able to keep a r'ship. He was marrried for 9-10 years but says it was horrible after the first year. (they stayed for their child, until he finally got out). Since then his longest r'ship was 2 years and he claimed (to me) that he did not love her. When she wanted a ring, he ended it. I want to tell him what his curse really is, but it probably won't do any good. He is not likely to listen, or do anything about it, and he is very unlikely to care enough to want me back and try again in light of this new information. I keep hoping, though, that if he wants to try again, I'll get that chance. At the very least he will know what his lifelong "curse" truly is. Sorry if I high jacked the OP's thread!! Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 I had always done this in the past with previous girlfriends until this last one. It was more just not being right for each other than me looking for a reason to end it. I thought she ended it? Sorry if I'm confused. Link to post Share on other sites
me85 Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 LOL Oh, silly rabbit...that is DEFINITELY a rebound. & not only is it the worst kind but it's just stupid. Not to disrespect you at all but dude, that won't last. Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 4 months down and I was fine until this was dropped on me. Maybe it's the finality of it all. Still don't understand why she bothers throwing it in my face. If she has moved on, what's the point in telling me? Throwing it in your face was cruel and childish. Were you two in complete no contact until she dropped that in your lap? If so that's even worse. Absolutely heartless and immature. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
requin Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 LOL Oh, silly rabbit...that is DEFINITELY a rebound. & not only is it the worst kind but it's just stupid. Not to disrespect you at all but dude, that won't last. I kind of agree with this. I do not think it will last either. Way too quick on the draw for sure, anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
EmptyinNV Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 My ex husband quickly remarried after our divorce, in fact he was planning his third round of vows while our divorce was in proceedings. It's bee 18 months, they had a a beautiful little girl and are divorced. My ex hasn't became some wonderful man over night, he is still the same person with the same flaws and now another child in the mix. Good Riddance. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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