Don't assume its a rebound

[me85]

Rebounds can last for years. My ex and I were each other's rebounds (though we were coworkers before & obviously had crushes on each other) and we were together 2 years. Though I genuinely fell fast for him, I don't think he ever really fell for me.

 

I was just his next ex.

 

(I don't whole heartedly believe these things but I'm pretty sure after all that's happened between him and I)

[Smarty Pants]

LOL

 

Oh, silly rabbit...that is DEFINITELY a rebound.

 

& not only is it the worst kind but it's just stupid.

 

Not to disrespect you at all but dude, that won't last.

 

No disrespect taken!

 

To answer other peoples posts:

 

We "took a break" for awhile and when I wanted to get back together she told me she had started seeing this other guy.

 

We have been in NC for the most part. She lives with my roommate from college so things have been a little strange. I was being friendly and asking for something back yesterday that I needed and she "dropped the bomb".

 

Not sure how to react. I know I don't want to be with her again but it is still a shock to say the least.

[life-is-short]

I'm not an expert by any means, lol, but since discovering my ex is an avoidant I have quickly been learning.

 

----

You are exactly right! I read the book Attached and it helped me to see that my ex-gf is an avoidant (she looked like a textbook example). These are dangerous partners. I will work hard, in the future, to screen potential partners for this.

 

I'm sad that I'm not with her and I miss her, but I know that being with an avoidant is incredibly futile. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, move on and count your blessings!

 

Me ex-gf also loved to get attention from guys. I was very patient/trusting with her (probably to a fault). My therapist told me that she's worked with women who have this need for attention and she said they are very difficult cases to work with and that it is very hard for such women to really know how to be in relationship without also needing the "hit" of the pleasure that comes from all that attention from guys. My ex-gf was beautiful, but she wasn't a psychologically stable or really available partner. I miss her, but I dodged a bullet. Staying with her would have only made my self-esteem and self-confidence plummet and more importantly, she wasn't an emotionally available, giving partner. She was quite the contrary. She is young and a bit immature and hopefully she finds whatever happiness she is seeking. As much as I tried to make it work, it is over and I will be ultimately more happy without her.

[me85]

My ex husband quickly remarried after our divorce, in fact he was planning his third round of vows while our divorce was in proceedings. It's bee 18 months, they had a a beautiful little girl and are divorced.

 

My ex hasn't became some wonderful man over night, he is still the same person with the same flaws and now another child in the mix. Good Riddance.

 

 

EXACTLY.

 

I used to obsess over the thought that my ex would be prince charming for his new gf. HA!

 

We always think that way. It's ridiculous!

 

Well, guess what me ex (up until a week ago because I told him to leave me alone) has been contacing me on a regular basis and telling me all sorts of things his girlfriend would leave him for if she found out. CHEATER.

 

A LEOPARD CAN'T CHANGE HIS SPOTS.

[Smarty Pants]

I'm not an expert by any means, lol, but since discovering my ex is an avoidant I have quickly been learning.

 

----

You are exactly right! I read the book Attached and it helped me to see that my ex-gf is an avoidant (she looked like a textbook example). These are dangerous partners. I will work hard, in the future, to screen potential partners for this.

 

I'm sad that I'm not with her and I miss her, but I know that being with an avoidant is incredibly futile. Unless you are a glutton for punishment, move on and count your blessings!

 

Me ex-gf also loved to get attention from guys. I was very patient/trusting with her (probably to a fault). My therapist told me that she's worked with women who have this need for attention and she said they are very difficult cases to work with and that it is very hard for such women to really know how to be in relationship without also needing the "hit" of the pleasure that comes from all that attention from guys. My ex-gf was beautiful, but she wasn't a psychologically stable or really available partner. I miss her, but I dodged a bullet. Staying with her would have only made my self-esteem and self-confidence plummet and more importantly, she wasn't an emotionally available, giving partner. She was quite the contrary. She is young and a bit immature and hopefully she finds whatever happiness she is seeking. As much as I tried to make it work, it is over and I will be ultimately more happy without her.

 

Took the words right out of my keyboard

[me85]

No disrespect taken!

 

To answer other peoples posts:

 

We "took a break" for awhile and when I wanted to get back together she told me she had started seeing this other guy.

 

We have been in NC for the most part. She lives with my roommate from college so things have been a little strange. I was being friendly and asking for something back yesterday that I needed and she "dropped the bomb".

 

Not sure how to react. I know I don't want to be with her again but it is still a shock to say the least.

 

Oh my gosh, I would be shocked too!

 

I wouldn't put it past my ex to propose to his new gf of only a few months.

[love1336x]

I was my ex rebound... well we lasted for six months.

At the time we started to date (i didn't know this) he was only broken up with her for a week!

[love1336x]

Sometimes you feel a connection with a person... and yea it's not always rebound. While that person is with you, they are getting over you and i believe that's why so easy when they jumped into another relationship because during that time with you... they was already GONE!

[requin]

Sometimes you feel a connection with a person... and yea it's not always rebound. While that person is with you, they are getting over you and i believe that's why so easy when they jumped into another relationship because during that time with you... they was already GONE!

 

Actually that's very true. I've read that many times when someone finally gets to the point of breaking up with you, they've been thinking about it and have been 'over you' for some time...whereas you might still think things are fine...hence the shock when they breakup. And like you said, the quickness for them to get into another r'ship.

 

I don't know if my ex will jump right into another r'ship because right now I don't think he's in "I need a gf" mode. He's in "I have my own stuff to do and don't have time for a gf" mode.

 

When he's ready he'll jump right in and tell the new girl all the things he told me, how she's the great love of his life, he'll stay w/ her forever, etc.

 

Until he doesn't.

[me85]

I was my ex rebound... well we lasted for six months.

At the time we started to date (i didn't know this) he was only broken up with her for a week!

 

That old dirty bastard!

 

My ex started dating another girl just days after we BU.

I'm positive he had her waiting in the winds though. He had to have met her & had his eye on her while we were still together. I mean, it was pretty obvious that was the case. DOG.

 

Anyway. They are still together 6 months later. Good for him. & good for her, her trophy is a POS who sexts other girls behind her back.

[NC-Thomas]

My ex went for another guy two weeks after BU. I took dancing lessons back then and they started kissing before my eyes. Anyway the rebound lasted for 2 years.

 

The guy turned out cheating on her... Seems like rebounds are just "quick fixes" for something that can't be fixed.

 

PS: Never forget, no person in the world can fill the gap you left... so take off those blinds and see it for what it is: a SMALL plaster on a BIG-ASS bloody wound

 

What do you guys think about ethics and rebounds? Is it OK? (I just broke up and i'm dating again... met a nice girl. But not just over my ex (2 months BU)).

Edited July 1, 2014 by NC-Thomas

[shoegal4]

Smarty Pants...I read you on here. You are actually a Smarty Pants (In a good way FYI lol) so why are you contemplating the seriousness of this? Think about it.....engaged....after........four months??? FOUR MONTHS? Give me a friggin break. If one of your buddies did this, your reaction would be polar opposite of what you're feeling right now.

 

Sit back, relax and watch that crash and burn. And whenever it does, crack open a beer and soak in the gumption.

[Smarty Pants]

Smarty Pants...I read you on here. You are actually a Smarty Pants (In a good way FYI lol) so why are you contemplating the seriousness of this? Think about it.....engaged....after........four months??? FOUR MONTHS? Give me a friggin break. If one of your buddies did this, your reaction would be polar opposite of what you're feeling right now.

 

Sit back, relax and watch that crash and burn. And whenever it does, crack open a beer and soak in the gumption.

 

My reaction was laughter. I just wanted to give people some perspective about "rebounds" and how long they last.

 

Will this one crash and burn? Probably. But it could last forever.

 

And yeah if it happened to one of my buddies I would laugh my ass off. But unfortunately we were together for 5 years so it stings a little, even when I don't want to be with her.

[Smarty Pants]

My ex went for another guy two weeks after BU. I took dancing lessons back then and they started kissing before my eyes. Anyway the rebound lasted for 2 years.

 

The guy turned out cheating on her... Seems like rebounds are just "quick fixes" for something that can't be fixed.

 

PS: Never forget, no person in the world can fill the gap you left... so take off those blinds and see it for what it is: a SMALL plaster on a BIG-ASS bloody wound

 

What do you guys think about ethics and rebounds? Is it OK? (I just broke up and i'm dating again... met a nice girl. But not just over my ex (2 months BU)).

 

It's fine. Just make sure you don't lead them on and send them on over to LS so I have to knock some sense into them

[shoegal4]

My reaction was laughter. I just wanted to give people some perspective about "rebounds" and how long they last.

 

Will this one crash and burn? Probably. But it could last forever.

 

And yeah if it happened to one of my buddies I would laugh my ass off. But unfortunately we were together for 5 years so it stings a little, even when I don't want to be with her.

 

I don't want you to think I didn't take your feelings into account. I absolutely did. Just wanted to express how fast that all seemed and how it most likely will not last. Like you said - it could last forever but I'm sure we both can bet on the fact that it won't. I was with my ex for a long time as well, and I know the sting must hurt for sure.

[Smarty Pants]

I don't want you to think I didn't take your feelings into account. I absolutely did. Just wanted to express how fast that all seemed and how it most likely will not last. Like you said - it could last forever but I'm sure we both can bet on the fact that it won't. I was with my ex for a long time as well, and I know the sting must hurt for sure.

 

No worries I didn't take offense. My responses to others are very dry so I completely understand!

 

She's done enough to hurt me in the past few months. As I am completely over it, it would be nice to have my friend back. But I realized that she is no friend of mine. Anybody that treats me the way she has does not deserve me in her life.

 

Phone number FINALLY blocked. Something I should have done 3 years ago.

[Atem]

No worries I didn't take offense. My responses to others are very dry so I completely understand!

 

She's done enough to hurt me in the past few months. As I am completely over it, it would be nice to have my friend back. But I realized that she is no friend of mine. Anybody that treats me the way she has does not deserve me in her life.

 

Phone number FINALLY blocked. Something I should have done 3 years ago.

 

Hm - I read your story and it makese sense for you to react this way but it may be a bit over the top, don't you think?

 

On the other hand - I completely understand how emotions can get the better of you and how communication between 2 people can just break down.

 

Logically speaking, talking an issue out in a relationship should make it work fluidly almost idefinitely. Think about it - if both sides come forward with their full arguments openly it becomes obvious whether a compromise is possible or not. Well, in theory anyway.

 

In practice, it usually ends up with one side wanting something and the other side pulling back - not necessarily on purpose but this seems to be the standard reaction - "You want more of me? Oh oh, I have to get some distance between us first."

 

So, my point is, her telling you off should have been the end but it evidently isn't. Are you sure that she did not just want you to chase her? It's not necessarily healthy behavior but people have been known to do that.

Edited July 2, 2014 by Atem

[Smarty Pants]

Hm - I read your story and it makese sense for you to react this way but it may be a bit over the top, don't you think?

 

I'm sure I have left out details that would make you change your mind. I chased. Believe me I did. We "took a break" in December and still continued to see each other. Things were weird and she even asked if I even wanted to get back together. I was going through some stuff and knowing we would fall back into the same trap I said no. 2 weeks later she is sleeping at another guys house. Same guy she was "friends" with during our whole relationship, without my knowledge.

 

On the other hand - I completely understand how emotions can get the better of you and how communication between 2 people can just break down.

 

Logically speaking, talking an issue out in a relationship should make it work fluidly almost idefinitely. Think about it - if both sides come forward with their full arguments openly it becomes obvious whether a compromise is possible or not. Well, in theory anyway.

 

Theory, yes. Unfortunately I fell in love with a girl who had trust issues and runs from her problems instead of talking them out. To this day we never had an honest conversation about what went wrong.

 

In practice, it usually ends up with one side wanting something and the other side pulling back - not necessarily on purpose but this seems to be the standard reaction - "You want more of me? Oh oh, I have to get some distance between us first."

 

So, my point is, her telling you off should have been the end but it evidently isn't. Are you sure that she did not just want you to chase her? It's not necessarily healthy behavior but people have been known to do that.

 

She told me off multiple times. I made changes in my life to better the relationship. Not for her, but I knew I had to change things in order for me to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

She has made it clear that our relationship was "a silly college one" and that she is now in a "real life relationship". Her feelings toward this guy are, in her words, way different than when she was with me. That hurt the most more than anything. When she jumped into this, I knew that they wouldn't have the love that we had for each other. Man was i wrong.

 

I chased. I fought. I made changes to better myself.

 

She claimed to have moved on from the relationship last June. Whether that is true or not, I do not know. I do not care.

 

Could she be trying to hurt me by telling me all these things? Maybe. If she is, I don't think that is love either. She could be telling me the truth to give me "closure". I honestly don't care what her reasoning is. I have chosen to delete her from my life now that she has made her choice.

 

I honestly hope it works out with them. That way she won't ever come back. If she does, nothing would ever be the same. I have forgiven but I can't forget her actions.

 

Excuse ramblings above. Obviously there are emotions still involved but those will continue to fade over time.

[Smarty Pants]

Just to add. As soon as it became clear she was going to continue with this guy, there is no way I was going to chase her. I have more respect for myself than that, as well as respect for someone else's relationship. Even though this guy had no respect for mine.

[Atem]

Just to add. As soon as it became clear she was going to continue with this guy, there is no way I was going to chase her. I have more respect for myself than that, as well as respect for someone else's relationship. Even though this guy had no respect for mine.

 

Oh wow - that does sound tough. Sorry for jumping to conclusions before I knew the entire story (or at least more of it).

 

I am very familiar with girls who cannot articulate why they're acting in a certain way to save their lives - it's excruciatingly frustrating BUT also futile to pursue them and ask for an explanation because they will never give you one - only silly ramblings at most (at first I thought that's because they're too private but over time I've started to beleive that they actually are this dense and do not think about things - anyway, I digress).

 

Regarding the chase - I'm not advocating it, so sorry it came across that way. The only "chase" I'd find acceptable is if my partner says "Hey, I really need you to do XYZ for me please." and, as long as XYZ is reasonable (i.e. not a full eprsonality change or jumping off a bridge), one should do it - IF there's full reciprocity of course.

 

The type of chasing that you suggest implies that you've essentially given her all the power which made her toy with you. I went through something like that a long time ago with my very first GF (I was 21 back then) and have never done it since then.

[Smarty Pants]

Oh wow - that does sound tough. Sorry for jumping to conclusions before I knew the entire story (or at least more of it).

 

I am very familiar with girls who cannot articulate why they're acting in a certain way to save their lives - it's excruciatingly frustrating BUT also futile to pursue them and ask for an explanation because they will never give you one - only silly ramblings at most (at first I thought that's because they're too private but over time I've started to beleive that they actually are this dense and do not think about things - anyway, I digress).

 

Regarding the chase - I'm not advocating it, so sorry it came across that way. The only "chase" I'd find acceptable is if my partner says "Hey, I really need you to do XYZ for me please." and, as long as XYZ is reasonable (i.e. not a full eprsonality change or jumping off a bridge), one should do it - IF there's full reciprocity of course.

 

The type of chasing that you suggest implies that you've essentially given her all the power which made her toy with you. I went through something like that a long time ago with my very first GF (I was 21 back then) and have never done it since then.

 

More or less.

 

She played the whole time and space thing. Played off hanging out with this guy as a way to get away from everything. So of course I didn't think it was serious.

 

She is very dense and extremely fickle. Doesn't help that she has father issues and her new bf is 14 years her senior.

 

Chalk it up as a learning experience and off to the next!

[shoegal4]

No worries I didn't take offense. My responses to others are very dry so I completely understand!

 

She's done enough to hurt me in the past few months. As I am completely over it, it would be nice to have my friend back. But I realized that she is no friend of mine. Anybody that treats me the way she has does not deserve me in her life.

 

Phone number FINALLY blocked. Something I should have done 3 years ago.

 

OK, I didn't want you to think I was disregarding the situation. You seem like such a decent, good person. You don't need someone like this in your life. I've learned that the person I dated in the beginning is no longer the person I was dating in the end. That makes all the difference. Once that is clarified and processed, I think it gets a bit easier. I'm over here still clarifying and still processing (lol) but each day is better.

 

Summertime is the best time to heal yourself over a break up anyway. We lucked out! Let her be tied down and engaged in what I'm sure is an unstable relationship and you go on and live your life. Living well is the best revenge

[Atem]

More or less.

 

She played the whole time and space thing. Played off hanging out with this guy as a way to get away from everything. So of course I didn't think it was serious.

 

She is very dense and extremely fickle. Doesn't help that she has father issues and her new bf is 14 years her senior.

 

Chalk it up as a learning experience and off to the next!

 

Ah yes, the time and space thing. I remember that one.

 

Back then, there actually was no other guy but it did strike me as odd that everytime when things turned a little tough, she backed off and wanted her space and time - likely in the hopes of having the problem just solve itself or, even if it didn't and you left, not having to deal with it.

 

That's a huge red flag - that combined with a girl's refusal to open up (likely because she has nothing to open up). Just know that for next time and end things when you get the time and space response ^^

 

Or you could just write a nice long e-mail/letter outlining a pro/con list of her - I'm 99.99% sure that the cons will outweight the pros by 4:1 at least. Putting thought to paper helps relax you a bit and actually looking at the hard data will help you get over your emotions of wanting her.

 

Also, if you feel like you need to do something, you can even send her that e-mail. I'm sure a 4:1 split of cons/pros will make her day.

[Smarty Pants]

OK, I didn't want you to think I was disregarding the situation. You seem like such a decent, good person. You don't need someone like this in your life. I've learned that the person I dated in the beginning is no longer the person I was dating in the end. That makes all the difference. Once that is clarified and processed, I think it gets a bit easier. I'm over here still clarifying and still processing (lol) but each day is better.

 

Summertime is the best time to heal yourself over a break up anyway. We lucked out! Let her be tied down and engaged in what I'm sure is an unstable relationship and you go on and live your life. Living well is the best revenge

 

Well it's hard to gauge the full situation. I read threads on here all the time that are longer some novels I read so I tried to keep it short

 

It's a long process that I tried to run from for a long time. I wanted to skip forward in time so I wouldn't have to feel any pain. I've learned so much in the past few months from this site and from going to counseling. Turn everything that happens to you in life as a positive and nothing not no one will bring you down.

 

Going to grad school in the fall. I will continue to live well with or without this person.

 

If anyone reads my advice, I will come off as a jerk. It's only because I care and want what's best for everyone on here (except for the cheaters/abusers).

[shoegal4]

Smarty - I understand. I've been there. Just going head on into the pain right now. Sucks but I know it will be better. Only way out is through, right?

 

And good for you on grad school. I too am starting in the fall. Finally becoming a teacher. Good luck to you! What are you going for if you don't mind me asking?