Don't assume its a rebound

[Smarty Pants]

Or you could just write a nice long e-mail/letter outlining a pro/con list of her - I'm 99.99% sure that the cons will outweight the pros by 4:1 at least. Putting thought to paper helps relax you a bit and actually looking at the hard data will help you get over your emotions of wanting her.

 

Also, if you feel like you need to do something, you can even send her that e-mail. I'm sure a 4:1 split of cons/pros will make her day.

 

Funny. I actually have written two emails. For my benefit only. I would never send her anything to make her feel better about herself. I think she was bothered yesterday that I no longer cared, which is why she shared with me all her future plans.

[requin]

Funny. I actually have written two emails. For my benefit only. I would never send her anything to make her feel better about herself. I think she was bothered yesterday that I no longer cared, which is why she shared with me all her future plans.

 

You keep saying you don't care, but you obviously do care.

Why do you say you don't care when you do?

[Smarty Pants]

Smarty - I understand. I've been there. Just going head on into the pain right now. Sucks but I know it will be better. Only way out is through, right?

 

And good for you on grad school. I too am starting in the fall. Finally becoming a teacher. Good luck to you! What are you going for if you don't mind me asking?

 

You'll be stronger for it. Barky is proof there is life after such a long relationship.

 

I'm going to get my MBA but I would love to become a teacher. I want to get my phd and become a professor at a university.

[Smarty Pants]

You keep saying you don't care, but you obviously do care.

Why do you say you don't care when you do?

 

I would care if my high school girlfriend had said all of this to me too. I no longer care about my recent ex in terms of ever being with her again.

[Atem]

You keep saying you don't care, but you obviously do care.

Why do you say you don't care when you do?

 

He cares but not genuinely. In fact, I think I get what you feel (albeit on a much smaller scale) and it's not care - it's simply a bruised ego.

 

Let's face it - everybody hates rejection. This is especially true if you open up to another person and that person does not reciprocate or, worse, pull away as a result of it. The natural reaction is to chase after that person which is often mistaken for actual caring for that person.

 

Don't get me wrong - in many cases, care is involved. However, the main driver is our innate disdain for loss and rejection which is why lovers sometimes go to extreme lengths with regard to chasing after another person - sometimes to such an extent that it boggles even their minds when they look back years later.

 

I wish we had an "emotion off" button for such cases but we don't. The only thing to do here is to focus exclusively on yourself and to let that anger and the frustration out. Do whatever makes this feeling go away faster and if sending your ex sharp e-mails does, then go for it because it really, really doesn't matter what she thinks of you now - do whatever works for you, even if it's not the politically correct way to go.

 

I for once ended my 3-month relationship by writing a long e-mail to my ex explaining to her why I dropped her and that I am furious because I was forced to do so by her idiotic behavior (whether it was on purpose to phase me out or jsut because she is incapable of communication, I'll never know).

 

Just my 2c

[Smarty Pants]

He cares but not genuinely. In fact, I think I get what you feel (albeit on a much smaller scale) and it's not care - it's simply a bruised ego.

 

Let's face it - everybody hates rejection. This is especially true if you open up to another person and that person does not reciprocate or, worse, pull away as a result of it. The natural reaction is to chase after that person which is often mistaken for actual caring for that person.

 

Don't get me wrong - in many cases, care is involved. However, the main driver is our innate disdain for loss and rejection which is why lovers sometimes go to extreme lengths with regard to chasing after another person - sometimes to such an extent that it boggles even their minds when they look back years later.

 

I wish we had an "emotion off" button for such cases but we don't. The only thing to do here is to focus exclusively on yourself and to let that anger and the frustration out. Do whatever makes this feeling go away faster and if sending your ex sharp e-mails does, then go for it because it really, really doesn't matter what she thinks of you now - do whatever works for you, even if it's not the politically correct way to go.

 

I for once ended my 3-month relationship by writing a long e-mail to my ex explaining to her why I dropped her and that I am furious because I was forced to do so by her idiotic behavior (whether it was on purpose to phase me out or jsut because she is incapable of communication, I'll never know).

 

Just my 2c

 

I get that.

 

I dated her for 5 years. I absolutely cared.

 

I forced myself to delete her and not care anymore once she made it clear she was doing the same.

 

More like fake it till you make it in my case.

[shoegal4]

Good for you. When one door closes, another one opens. Best of luck to you.

 

The feelings of not wanting to be with them ever again have nothing to do with the history, attachment and love we once had for them. I get where you're at. I never want to be with my ex again but it doesn't mean I don't care for him or would be devastated if I heard he was engaged etc.

[Dash23]

Good advice, smartypants.

 

A couple years ago, my gf at the time broke it off with me and sure enough, started dating a new guy about 3ish weeks later...if that even.

 

I remember friends and I joking because he didn't seem anything special, was a "rebound" situation, and I even joked with one friend that I would bet them $100 that she would come back (even though I did NC from day 1, and she was leaving me breadcrumbs etc. before jumping into the new relationship).

 

Low and behold, a year and a half after dating her "rebound", she is happily engaged to him now. I am very happy for her since her and I broke up in a civil manner after our "honeymoon" phase wore off. OP is very right, it's not good to think they will most likely come back because sometimes your ex will hit it out of the park with the very next person they start dating!

 

Even now, my most recent ex who I broke up with about 6 months ago has dated a few guys and she already has BIG plans with a guy she has only been with for 1 month! But she really wants to find someone, they are on the same page, and although its all new and fresh and exciting for them right now, even after their honeymoon phase, I already can predict that they will be "the one" for each other and I just have to accept that my chance for reconciling is long gone.

 

Morale of smartypants story - NC, bettering yourself, and all that, as hard as it is to sometimes keep in that mind frame, which you HAVE to --> you're doing it for you to move on and not in the hopes of them coming back, because even though there is often a good chance that they may come back, just look to my 2 stories here and many others, they often never will come back.

[me85]

All my exes have come back. My recent ex came back after 6 months of being "broken up" (we talked and hung out during that time) and although I decided to give him a second chance I told him that I wasn't ready to get back together officially. A month later his feelings for me completely changed and everything he told me to get me back went right out the window.

 

He started seeing another girl less than a week later.

 

Ha, but he always contacted me. Kept up with the "miss yous" and "love yous" up until 9 days ago when I basically told him to go fu ck himself.

 

I know he'll attempt to get back together with me in time but it's too late for that...

 

because he sucks.

[requin]

All my exes have come back. My recent ex came back after 6 months of being "broken up" (we talked and hung out during that time) and although I decided to give him a second chance I told him that I wasn't ready to get back together officially. A month later his feelings for me completely changed and everything he told me to get me back went right out the window.

 

He started seeing another girl less than a week later.

 

Ha, but he always contacted me. Kept up with the "miss yous" and "love yous" up until 9 days ago when I basically told him to go fu ck himself.

 

I know he'll attempt to get back together with me in time but it's too late for that...

 

because he sucks.

 

did you break up with all your exes? Did any of them dump you, then still come back? How old are you, if I may ask?

[me85]

did you break up with all your exes? Did any of them dump you, then still come back? How old are you, if I may ask?

 

I'm 29.

I've had 3 LTRs. I BU with my 1st boyfriend of 3 years. He called crying and wanting me back once he found out I moved on.

 

2nd bf of 2.5 years BU with me, but contacted me 1.5 years later wanting me back while I was in a RS with my 3rd bf (most recent ex.)

 

3rd bf of 2 years (back and forth an extra year...so 3 years altogether)

Well, I actually initiated either me moving out but us still trying to work it out or just breaking up. We agreed my moving out & working on it was best. 5 months later I find out he's been seeing someone he met on match.com and had been lying to me the entire time about not wanting to date other girls so I cut all contact and block his FB & number without even confronting him about it. 2 weeks later he emails me begging me to take him back. That was roughly 7 months ago.

 

2nd boyfriend (ex before most recent ex) contacts me yet again a couple of months ago in April begging and begging and proclaiming his love for me. Of course it was too late and I don't feel the same about him anymore so that's exactly what I told him.

Edited July 3, 2014 by me85

[witmadskilllz]

I'm 29.

I've had 3 LTRs. I BU with my 1st boyfriend of 3 years. He called crying and wanting me back once he found out I moved on.

 

2nd bf of 2.5 years BU with me, but contacted me 1.5 years later wanting me back while I was in a RS with my 3rd bf (most recent ex.)

 

3rd bf of 2 years (back and forth an extra year...so 3 years altogether)

Well, I actually initiated either me moving out but us still trying to work it out or just breaking up. We agreed my moving out & working on it was best. 5 months later I find out he's been seeing someone he met on match.com and had been lying to me the entire time about not wanting to date other girls so I cut all contact and block his FB & number without even confronting him about it. 2 weeks later he emails me begging me to take him back. That was roughly 7 months ago.

 

2nd boyfriend (ex before most recent ex) contacts me yet again a couple of months ago in April begging and begging and proclaiming his love for me. Of course it was too late and I don't feel the same about him anymore so that's exactly what I told him.

 

that's a lot of loving, did you take any breaks in between your relationships?

[me85]

Only 3 boyfriends & I'm 29 = a lot of loving? Sorry, I don't know how to take that.

 

Yes I took breaks. Short breaks. I've been single for an entire year this go round.

[h0000]

Rebounds,relationships,fwbs seriously are really just labels. Rebounds can become serious,relationships can fall apart and fwbs and become srelationships..who cares?!

 

I am the new girl but he left me for his ex.

He told me him and his ex has been on and off for four years. She always loves him and wants to marry him. Lots of time they werent in the same city so when they were , they saw each other but when they weren't , he also had fallen for other women. So he broke up with her saying he loves her but not In love wih her.

After he got together with me, he told me he chose me and has told his ex that he will not be back anymore. However a week after.. he broke up wih me and he decided to give her another chance and see if it will work out this time... she's taking everything to move to our city to be with him and they will live together..

 

What the f*ck is this kind of love..I hope their relationships burn in hell

[shoegal4]

 

I know he'll attempt to get back together with me in time but it's too late for that...

 

because he sucks.

 

You are so funny! Love it.

[me85]

You are so funny! Love it.

 

 

Haha Thanks ! ;)

[elseaacych]

I don't understand the phrase "rebounds can last years".

 

What is differentiating a 5 year "rebound relationship" from a 5 year normal relationship? (Or a 1 year rebound from a 1 year normal). I mean, statistically, as you get older, you are less and less likely to be someone's "first", and so what if you met them shortly before or after you broke up. (Yes, it sucks. I have a dumper who "rebounded".)

 

I'd think that if you were together more than a year and you weren't in an LDR/seeing each other infrequently, there likely had to be something more to the relationship than "I am using you to get over my ex, and once I feel better, I am leaving you."

[FortunateSon]

I have a feeling my ex is going to marry her "rebound" she met 4 months after splitting with me. Then again, she likely has BPD and can't be alone. Good luck to them.