It's over.

[WrinkledForehead]

We split. We made it nine months out after he left her and the affair ended, but we just split. The trust issues are too enormous. I'm weeping on my couch. It's over.

[bentleychic]

Oh honey. I'm so very sorry!

[txgrl]

I'm so sorry you're hurting .

 

Would you like to share with us a little bit more about the trust issues that you guys faced?

I wish you peace and happiness . When you feel like it, please share with us the lessons you might have learned and that might help us here .

 

Best .

[whatatangledweb]

I am so sorry WF.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

On the up side, the trust issues are behind you! Grieve and move on. The sooner the better! Don't live in the past.

[still_an_Angel]

Sorry to hear that..

Hugs, Angel

[BrokenPrincess]

I'm sorry to hear that WF What could you not trust him about? Going back to his gf or just in general you thought he was cheating on you already?

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep last night. ((Hugs))

[gettingstronger]

Well, you played it all the way to its conclusion (and I don't mean that in a negative sense) so hopefully that will give you closure so you can heal and move on. You are not like some stuck with the endless what ifs....

 

Best of luck in healing and as always, be gentle and kind to yourself.

[WrinkledForehead]

I'm sorry to hear that WF What could you not trust him about? Going back to his gf or just in general you thought he was cheating on you already?

 

Hope you were able to get some sleep last night. ((Hugs))

 

I slept after a few vodkas. I cried myself to sleep and must've cried in my sleep; I woke up with horribly puffy eyes.

 

He won't introduce me to his friends, hence my insecurity. I don't think he's cheated on me. I went out for a drink with a coworker after a hard shift and didn't mention it, hence his trust issues with me.

 

I want to cry. I made it through work okay. I have a great support system but I'm feeling enormous loss right now.

[WrinkledForehead]

Well, you played it all the way to its conclusion (and I don't mean that in a negative sense) so hopefully that will give you closure so you can heal and move on. You are not like some stuck with the endless what ifs....

 

Best of luck in healing and as always, be gentle and kind to yourself.

 

Yes. I'm struggling a bit with wanting to fill that void with some stupid fling but knowing that will just make me feel worse in the end. Part of me is hoping and praying that we'll work through it after some time apart, and I think that's the part that prevents me from engaging in something I'll regret.

 

I digress. I hurt. Tears loom. I didn't cry at work. That will probably come later after I put the kids to bed.

[jellybean89]

I think you did your best; but ultimately, I don't think it was going to work. I think you were more invested than him and I'm not sure you could get past the fact that he cheated with you -- which is totally 100% understandable. I think his past relationship was so wishy washy and that is just who he is. YOU are not wishy washy...you are vibrant, out going and ready to live and I just don't think he is, going by what you have posted.

 

I think you wanted it to work -- and did your best. But ultimately, he isn't who you need in your life and I think after some time apart, you will see that. But you are hurting right now and you need to grieve the end of it. Cry, be sad and get it out of you -- but do not cling to hope because no one knows what the future holds.

 

Make sure you eat, exercise and get rest -- be kind to yourself and your heart.

[cocorico]

Sorry, WF. It's tough when a R you have invested in heavily doesn't work out. I posted another thread elsewhere about trust issues for post-A couples (fAPs or "reconciled" Ms) apropos an article I read on this which I thought was pretty a curated.

 

On the specifics, I do think that this:

 

He won't introduce me to his friends, hence my insecurity.

 

Is a bigger deal than this:

 

I went out for a drink with a coworker after a hard shift and didn't mention it, hence his trust issues with me.

 

While the latter may simply be an omission of something deemed trivial, and this unnecessary to bring up, the latter seems to me altogether more cause for concern. Unless you are still invested in compartmentalisation, why would you not want your SO and your friends to meet? Whether or not there is anything worrying of substance to hide, I'd be concerned that this deminstrates an unwillingness to embark on an authentic, fully integrated life, and that in and of itself would be a dealbreaker for me. I do hope for his sake he is able to work through that, or it will prove problematic for him in any kind of R down the line.

 

You speak of perhaps getting back together after a break - if this is something you are both considering, perhaps counselling to address the trust issues might be in order?

[Got it]

I am terribly sorry WF. Please make sure you take care of yourself. And you are right, you don't know what the future holds but you recognized that the present is not sufficient. Have you thought about therapy to help you through this? I suggest journaling, exercise, and some chocolate. (((((WF)))))

 

And stay off of the alcohol, it will only make you feel worse and dehydrate you.

[WrinkledForehead]

Sorry, WF. It's tough when a R you have invested in heavily doesn't work out. I posted another thread elsewhere about trust issues for post-A couples (fAPs or "reconciled" Ms) apropos an article I read on this which I thought was pretty a curated.

 

On the specifics, I do think that this:

 

 

 

Is a bigger deal than this:

 

 

 

While the latter may simply be an omission of something deemed trivial, and this unnecessary to bring up, the latter seems to me altogether more cause for concern. Unless you are still invested in compartmentalisation, why would you not want your SO and your friends to meet? Whether or not there is anything worrying of substance to hide, I'd be concerned that this deminstrates an unwillingness to embark on an authentic, fully integrated life, and that in and of itself would be a dealbreaker for me. I do hope for his sake he is able to work through that, or it will prove problematic for him in any kind of R down the line.

 

You speak of perhaps getting back together after a break - if this is something you are both considering, perhaps counselling to address the trust issues might be in order?

 

I'm pretty sure the lack of willingness to introduce me to his friends is specific to me. I don't know that he'd encounter the same issue down the line with another woman. It's me, and because we kept the affair a secret. He associates me with his guilt about the affair and thus, is scared or worried and feels anxious when thinking about introducing me.

 

I want to be with him. He's done. He's mentioned nothing about a future. In his eyes, me having a drink with a male coworker without telling him is a huge transgression and unforgivable.

[WrinkledForehead]

I am terribly sorry WF. Please make sure you take care of yourself. And you are right, you don't know what the future holds but you recognized that the present is not sufficient. Have you thought about therapy to help you through this? I suggest journaling, exercise, and some chocolate. (((((WF)))))

 

And stay off of the alcohol, it will only make you feel worse and dehydrate you.

 

I'm in therapy. My therapist works with me using EMDR. Its a way to reprocess things in an emotionally healthy way.

 

I'm messed up though. I'm not innocent. During the affair I'd have drinks with other men out of spite. I always told him those times. I was angry and wanted to hurt him. And now I've continued that. He confronted me about going out and I lied. I'm not without fault in this. People who love each other don't intentionally hurt each other.

 

I've not acted inappropriately in relationships before. I don't know why I'm so awful in this one. Why do I do these things to hurt him?

[gettingstronger]

Sounds like this relationship brings out the worst in you- does not mean you are bad, does not mean he is either- just means for whatever reason you two bring out the worst in each other-

 

I had a relationship like that once, it was not affair based, so I am not convinced that your case is because it started as an affair-I think sometimes there can be an attraction but whatever "it" is that makes a relationship work for the long haul is just not there-

 

I think recognizing how being with him makes you think, feel and act is important- no blame, no rationalizations, it just is and if its not healthy for you than continuing IC to help get past it is important-

 

Take care of you-

[Got it]

I'm in therapy. My therapist works with me using EMDR. Its a way to reprocess things in an emotionally healthy way.

 

I'm messed up though. I'm not innocent. During the affair I'd have drinks with other men out of spite. I always told him those times. I was angry and wanted to hurt him. And now I've continued that. He confronted me about going out and I lied. I'm not without fault in this. People who love each other don't intentionally hurt each other.

 

I've not acted inappropriately in relationships before. I don't know why I'm so awful in this one. Why do I do these things to hurt him?

 

I don't know why are you doing that? You are in therapy, what have you guys discovered? Are you falling into an eye for an eye? I think you have seen the tit for tat never ends. Why have you allowed your standards of conduct to change based on someone else's actions?

 

I get it, I understand the pain. But I realized that I needed to reconcile my actions, regardless of what anyone else has done, and so I needed to allow or disallow based on my own code. What someone else has done has never given me license to act poorly.

 

Do you like who you are when you are with him? If the answer is no then ending is really a gift.

 

I would suspect, your actions are looking for some sort of acknowledgement of your pain so you are potentially trying to cause him pain to achieve this acknowledgement. And the question is why.

[Quiet Storm]

I've not acted inappropriately in relationships before. I don't know why I'm so awful in this one. Why do I do these things to hurt him?

 

Maybe because deep down you know he doesn't deserve your loyalty. Maybe you are so used to living with cognitive dissonance that your actions are not a reflection of the person you know yourself to be. Maybe subconsciously you don't want him anymore & you sabotaged it. Your therapist should be helpful in figuring this out.

 

You two have a dysfunctional dance going on, and those dynamics aren't going to change just because he left her. Its very possible that this was never going to be an emotionally healthy & rewarding relationship. I think that many times, the OW feels that the only problem is the marriage, the affair or the BW. The arguments & issues between OW & MM are usually always blamed on the situation. Then when he finally leaves his marriage, some OW find that out that he is just a screwed up guy with lots of issues. Issues that she blamed on his horrible marriage, but are really just HIM.

 

I think you should just keep your distance from him and keep working on yourself in therapy. Accept that this is a difficult loss, that you will have to let go of the future you planned, but you will be OK. Focus on the positives in your life and what kind of person you want to be.

[whichwayisup]

I've not acted inappropriately in relationships before. I don't know why I'm so awful in this one. Why do I do these things to hurt him?

 

The love may be there but the dynamic isn't good for either of you and maybe you two don't really 'mesh' as life time partners, which is why it didn't work. Some times stuff like this happens and there's nothing you or he can do about it.

 

Bringing out the not so good parts in each other a lot of the time isn't healthy for either of you, it does a lot of damage emotionally and mentally.

[WrinkledForehead]

I don't know why are you doing that? You are in therapy, what have you guys discovered? Are you falling into an eye for an eye? I think you have seen the tit for tat never ends. Why have you allowed your standards of conduct to change based on someone else's actions?

 

I get it, I understand the pain. But I realized that I needed to reconcile my actions, regardless of what anyone else has done, and so I needed to allow or disallow based on my own code. What someone else has done has never given me license to act poorly.

 

Do you like who you are when you are with him? If the answer is no then ending is really a gift.

 

I would suspect, your actions are looking for some sort of acknowledgement of your pain so you are potentially trying to cause him pain to achieve this acknowledgement. And the question is why.

 

Yes, it's partly retaliatory. No, I don't think I'm a bad person from being with him. In every other aspect our R has been great and I'm a better person because of him. He's helped me grow and heal in other ways. It's been very satisfying.

 

I don't know how to say goodbye. I'm not done. I refuse to believe its over.

[Got it]

Yes, it's partly retaliatory. No, I don't think I'm a bad person from being with him. In every other aspect our R has been great and I'm a better person because of him. He's helped me grow and heal in other ways. It's been very satisfying.

 

I don't know how to say goodbye. I'm not done. I refuse to believe its over.

 

Okay, closure is really up to you. So don't say goodbye. But you can work on self soothing and moving forward. Acceptance, or lack there of, can come later. But the reality of today, is that, you guys are no longer together. The future may show something else but you want to make sure you are the best version of yourselves when you circle back around. So since you can only control yourself, work on yourself. All you need to do, right now, is plan out the next five minutes. Then stretch it to 30 minutes, an hour, a day, etc. ((((WF)))))

 

And I wasn't asking, implying you were a bad person. I was asking if you like yourself with him. If you do, then great, if you don't then work through that and delve into why.