The State Of The Union for the Struggling Dudes

[lino]

The best advice for the struggling men is to read this message board less or preferably not at all.

 

 

Get outside and do something more constructive.

 

 

I don't know how you do it anymore Somedude. You've been here for the last several years taking barrages of horribly condescending advice from 'experts' (of what exactly?), most of whom have never been through what you are.

 

 

You really need to find some fulfilling interests that get you away from this site and it's negativity that is constantly aimed at you. It isn't healthy.

These know-it-alls will take the first chance they can to have a virtual sh*t on you.

 

 

I've said it before but the women will come once you have a steady flow of income... Women like money, that's just the way it is.

 

 

Until then, you may have some short term stuff happen but nothing serious will take place until women can see you're earning some money.

[irc333]

These know-it-alls will take the first chance they can to have a virtual sh*t on you.

 

You know what, with all that we've read on "dating and relationship" message boards, they all seem to have this common thread (no pun intended, lol).

[SoleMate]

I saw an incredibly fat (150?? [*] pounds over what he should have been) and unattractive young man at the movies last night with a young woman who, while heavy, only had about 40 pounds to lose instead of 150. They had their arms around each other and were happily chatting up a storm. Looked very cozy and lovey-dovey, probably in the early stages. She would have been amazing if she had lost the weight and toned up, but as for him, he was so fat that his face just looked like a big round balloon and I couldn't even tell what his true facial appearance would be with weight loss.

 

Naturally, I stopped him and informed him that as a fat man, he really had no hope of attracting a woman and should stop thinking that he did. [**] Oh, BTW, he was about 5'6" or 7" at most.

 

True story.

 

[*] Actually, I have no idea how much he needed to lose as he was fat to the point where I'm no longer calibrated as to how much he might possibly weigh.

 

[**] This part wasn't true. I did not say anything to him.

[El Brujo]

The best advice for the struggling men is to read this message board less or preferably not at all.

 

That's the most helpful, informative bit I've seen on LS to date.

 

LS is chock-full of guys who think just because they look like the Fonz or James Dean, that entitles them to make rules for the rest of us... IRL however what works great for Tweedledum can be (and often is) a total disaster for Tweedledee and vice versa.

 

Not all of us can have the hots for just anyone with two X chromosomes. And not all of us are trying to get the most sex just so we can earn some useless trophy. It's amazing how the rule-makers try to play those truths down.

 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

[thefooloftheyear]

That's the most helpful, informative bit I've seen on LS to date.

 

LS is chock-full of guys who think just because they look like the Fonz or James Dean, that entitles them to make rules for the rest of us... IRL however what works great for Tweedledum can be (and often is) a total disaster for Tweedledee and vice versa.

 

Not all of us can have the hots for just anyone with two X chromosomes. And not all of us are trying to get the most sex just so we can earn some useless trophy. It's amazing how the rule-makers try to play those truths down.

 

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain...

 

True, but what is the alternative?

 

Have some gigantic pity-fest??

 

I grew up poor and I hated it, as anyone would...Then, I became very successful as an adult ...One of the main reason's was I stopped and paid attention to what successful people do and how they conduct themselves and the tools they used to become successful...It was always in me, but I needed to see it and hear it..

 

My dad was an incredibly talented guy...But he wallowed in his own misery and just got bitter that life dealt him a bad hand(gee, doesnt that sound familiar?)..If he stopped for a minute and drew upon his talents, then the sky would have been the limit for him...I have absolutely no doubt...

 

So, do you see how that works and how you can use the same thinking/philosophy when it comes to relationships???

 

.02

 

 

TFY

[R3d]

The thing is though, is that there are plenty of men who are interesting and nice who still can't get a woman romantically attracted to them. These guys need to be told something else. They need a list that isn't unisex but that is directed specifically at men and that relates to building masculinity.

 

I honestly think I am one of these people. Basically, in PUA language, I have no game. I don't know how to get girls interested in me and to date me. I'd say that much more than my deficiencies in the looks and status departments, the reason I didn't attract any giels last semester is because of how I was not myself at all, lost all confidence whenever in front of said girl, playing things way too safe, and overall getting very awkward in front of her. I wouldn't know what to say or ask and I couldn't just get a conversation to flow naturally without having to think of what to say. Talking to my crushes felt like mortal combat. I also didn't know how to escalate, though I think this is because the girls were not interested in me and therefore impeded my attempts to escalate, but I still definitely could use some tips on this as well.

 

My reasons for telling you guys this is so you people can give me some advice on how to remedy these issues. See part of my lack of confidence comes from me being bad at these things in addition to all that superficial stuff I am insecure about. In fact I'd say that my lack of confidence in my abilities to attract girls is stronger than my lack of confidence over my looks and status, and is something I want to attack because at least this is something I have co troll over. I think that if I can resolve these grave issues I have when interacting with attractive girls and as a result actually start getting a date or two, my lack of confidence over my looks and status May even start to subside on its own.

[somedude81]

Exactly! I've dated older men. I wouldnt have dated them if they hadn't been stable and mature. If I'm in my 20s and dating a 30something year old man, I compare the 30something man to other 30 something men, not to younger men.

 

SD, are you trying to relive your youth?

No, I'm trying to live the youth I never got to experience.

 

I should have gotten my first girlfriend at 18, instead of 31. I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

I'm just trying to experience the life that everybody else gets to.

[Anela]

No, I'm trying to live the youth I never got to experience.

 

I should have gotten my first girlfriend at 18, instead of 31. I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

I'm just trying to experience the life that everybody else gets to.

 

So do I, but dating college-aged men isn't going to help. I would just look and feel ridiculous.

 

I'm feeling more stuck than ever. A lot of hurt and shame - wishing that I could go back. Not to party, just to have more fun, and do more - responsibilities to family pile up, and I feel like everything is backwards. At least you get to go on vacation - we can't afford that.

 

This is something for a different thread, but yesterday, I realized that my legs aren't as bad as I thought they were. I've had body issues for years, didn't like receiving sexual attention, so I covered up - I don't remember the last time I wore shorts. I ended up trying on two pairs yesterday, and buying them, thanks to a clearance sale. Now I just have to wear them and see if I can feel comfortable walking around in them all the time. I might make this a 30-day goal.

[somedude81]

So do I, but dating college-aged men isn't going to help. I would just look and feel ridiculous.

If that's how you feel that don't do.

 

For me, it felt awesome to have a 21 year old GF and I don't think it looked ridiculous at all.

 

I got a very blurry picture of me and my ex that was taken last year. Tell me if we looked ridiculous together.

 

I'm feeling more stuck than ever. A lot of hurt and shame - wishing that I could go back. Not to party, just to have more fun, and do more - responsibilities to family pile up, and I feel like everything is backwards. At least you get to go on vacation - we can't afford that.

I can't afford vacation either. This is all at my parents expense and I'm very grateful for that.

 

I feel hurt and shame too. And my way of coping with that is to try and do my life over. This is me living my youth right now.

[Anela]

 

This is something for a different thread, but yesterday, I realized that my legs aren't as bad as I thought they were. I've had body issues for years, didn't like receiving sexual attention, so I covered up - I don't remember the last time I wore shorts. I ended up trying on two pairs yesterday, and buying them, thanks to a clearance sale. Now I just have to wear them and see if I can feel comfortable walking around in them all the time. I might make this a 30-day goal.

 

Oh, and by "bad", I mean that I haven't worked out regularly for some years. I guess my stress walks helped in that department, but they could still use a bit of toning.

 

I know how hard it is to focus when you're depressed - I know how easy it is to lose a temporary happiness, and it's all down to fear and loss. At least for me.

[hotpotato]

No, I'm trying to live the youth I never got to experience.

 

I should have gotten my first girlfriend at 18, instead of 31. I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

I'm just trying to experience the life that everybody else gets to.

 

Says no hes not trying to relive his youth, wants to act like hes in his 20s then says this is me living my youth right now

 

Edited July 6, 2014 by hotpotato

[somedude81]

You make it seem like I'm contradicting myself. I'm not.

 

It's not that complicated if you think about it.

[fortyninethousand322]

You make it seem like I'm contradicting myself. I'm not.

 

It's not that complicated if you think about it.

 

I know what you're saying and I very much sympathize.

 

But you're going to have to pretend that you had a typical youth. Most women (no matter what their age) are going to find it to be a red flag that you didn't have a girlfriend until you were 31.

 

Having a typical youth is what most people expect. If you didn't have one, you need to pretend you did.

[hotpotato]

You make it seem like I'm contradicting myself. I'm not.

 

It's not that complicated if you think about it.

 

Its so weird to me. Im not going to date a younger guy in some attempt to turn back time. If I were dating an older guy, and he said what you said, id run tbh.

[KaliLove]

No, I'm trying to live the youth I never got to experience.

 

I should have gotten my first girlfriend at 18, instead of 31. I have a lot of catching up to do.

 

I'm just trying to experience the life that everybody else gets to.

 

When I was 18 I was working 3 jobs and taking care of my quadriplegic mother and you don't see me complaining about lost youth.

 

Not everybody gets that life. You're not automatically entitled to it just because you're human. You have to play the cards you're dealt and you can either complain about it or make the best of it.

[hotpotato]

Well lol

It sounds like sd is trying to move backwards to a time he can never have again. Most women want a man who is going forward. Hes trying to use young women as a means to feel good about himself. Im not sure if thats a good reason to date someone.

 

Sd, even though you dont say this to girls, they can probably smell it.

[hasaquestion]

SD you'd be surprised how many people have regrets like yours. How they'd do things differently if they had a do-over. I know I look at a lot of opportunities that were there and I didn't take in the past....

 

Its a glass half full/half empty thing. There's nothing you can do about 21-year old Somedude. He's gone. But 33-year old Somedude can be a hell of a 33 year old.

 

Look at it this way man. Lots of people who got more "action" than you did from 20-30 are absolutely miserable!

[Glinda.Good]

But you're going to have to pretend that you had a typical youth. Most women (no matter what their age) are going to find it to be a red flag that you didn't have a girlfriend until you were 31.

 

Having a typical youth is what most people expect. If you didn't have one, you need to pretend you did.

 

No you don't. Not everybody wants the same, cookie cutter, cliche things that are so touted around here.

 

If you are a "late bloomer," own it. But be sure you aren't holding yourself back from blooming at all.

 

Pretending to be young when you are not is a fail.

[somedude81]

 

You missed all that stuff. You can't live your youth after you're 30 years old. Also, you are not the only one to miss out on this sort of thing. That's a self centered thing to say.

 

At 31 I dated a women I met in college for six months and I even got to go to her 21st birthday dinner.

 

So no, I'd say you're wrong.

 

Why does it matter if I'm being self-centered. I gave my personal reason. I'm not part of a collective. I have a right to think what I do.

[fortyninethousand322]

At 31 I dated a women I met in college for six months and I even got to go to her 21st birthday dinner.

 

So no, I'd say you're wrong.

 

That happened once. How's your luck been the rest of the time?

 

Why does it matter if I'm being self-centered. I gave my personal reason. I'm not part of a collective. I have a right to think what I do.

 

Oh I agree. You have every right to do what you want.

 

Everyone else is just trying to help that's all.

[normal person]

At 31 I dated a women I met in college for six months and I even got to go to her 21st birthday dinner.

 

So no, I'd say you're wrong.

 

I've said this before, just because it happened once doesn't mean it's the standard. If you won the lottery would you think it was the best way to make money from then on? Considering you haven't had any luck since, I'd say things are pretty telling, wouldn't you?

 

 

Why does it matter if I'm being self-centered. I gave my personal reason. I'm not part of a collective. I have a right to think what I do.

 

It wouldn't matter if you were actually getting what you want. But here you are, completely unsatisfied and seeking advice. You want to have your cake and eat it too. You can be that way and continue being unsatisfied or you can change and potentially reap the rewards.