Finally broke up with my wife

[Polymer]

Did the deed yesterday. She didn't seem that upset about it, an amicable break up, although she tried to indirectly guilt me into staying with her. She said that she needs time to process all of this and to make a decision about what to do next... I honestly believed she was just as miserable as myself, but I was surprised that she thought everything was good between us and she wanted to be with me.

 

Well if you genuinely want to be with someone, you treat them with love and respect! Not like they are the scum of the Earth forward slash bane of your existence.

 

Will update on whats going to happen next. I honestly thought that this is what she also wanted... Do not understand female logic.

[GoBlue]

You are right - to love someone is to show them through your actions. I hope you find the healing you are looking for.

[jakrbbt]

Polymer, if you lived with my husband, you would not call it "female logic." He takes the exact same position as your stbx.

 

It sounds like whatever she thinks about the divorce, you are better off going through this tough time so that you can get out of a bad situation. Her reaction confirms to me that you had very little reason to think that things would get any better. I want an amicable divorce very badly, and I'd prefer that my husband feel immediately better and start functioning better after divorce. But even if I don't have his blessing so to speak, I try to remember that the divorce is better than our very likely future of misery together.

[trippi1432]

You are right - to love someone is to show them through your actions. I hope you find the healing you are looking for.

 

Actions do speak louder than words...I'm single because of it, words are typically meaningless and men are full of them.

 

But in this case, there's more to the story. I totally get the fact that people change...stop putting their best foot forward....if only the first six months of every relationship could be the "Honeymoon". You never know what you have until you have wasted a few years that you can never get back. (metaphors)

 

So, the question now is how do you stop wasting your life?

[Polymer]

I'm just so depressed right now about everything. I thought that this would be as easy as I had imagined it to be.

 

I thought I had checked out already and was ready for all of this, but I am in pain. One day i'm happy about the breakup, then the next I am depressed, then I feel like I did everything, then I feel like I didn't do enough, then I feel confused about my feelings for her.

 

At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I am still very much in love with my stbx, but our marriage is miserable and so are we. Her narcissism/arrogance/rudeness are the true causes of our breakup as they are a deal breaker for me.

 

Now she is trying to guilt me into staying, saying that if we divorce, her life will be pretty much ruined because of the social stigma that she will have (our culture is very strict regarding divorce for women), and her family possibly disowning her.

[M30USA]

You are right - to love someone is to show them through your actions. I hope you find the healing you are looking for.

 

In all fairness, "showing them through your actions" means totally different things to different people. In my case, my ex wife expected me to be her father and spend every walking hour including weekends doing home improvement, installing new flooring, painting, and building extensions onto the house. This was what her father was always doing while she grew up and she expected me to do the same. She also expected me to take the blame for all problems just like her father did with her mother; and to let her make all the financial and household decisions as her mother did. To her, if I didn't do all these things, it meant I didn't love her.

[dichotomy]

 

At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I am still very much in love with my stbx, but our marriage is miserable and so are we. Her narcissism/arrogance/rudeness are the true causes of our breakup as they are a deal breaker for me.

 

Now she is trying to guilt me into staying, saying that if we divorce, her life will be pretty much ruined because of the social stigma that she will have (our culture is very strict regarding divorce for women), and her family possibly disowning her.

 

 

See her issues with the divorce and asking you to stay have to do with HER selfish issues ....and NOT any guilt or accountability over how she has treated you - her love for you and sorrow over the loss of you. No - its over her social standing and family ties.

 

This is the best confirmation you need to continue onward.

 

Simply keep repeating to yourself (and perhaps her) that you need/deserve kindness respect admiration and devotion from a woman.

[trippi1432]

Maybe it's both their issues? The Love Bank ? Simple Concept to Improve Relationships | Fay Ferris

[Polymer]

Turns out that she was mistreating me due to resentment and bitterness that had built up over a long period of time.... Because, you guessed it!! She didn't bother to communicate with me the hurt and pain I had caused her! So upon realising this, obviously I asked her forgiveness and that in the future she should communicate her issues with me so that we resolve them. We are married just under 1 year FYI. So now we are back together... And for what its worth, she finally opened up to me and said that she was hurting during the time that we had broken up. I told her I still loved her and that I was hurting about all of this, then she said the same to me. She has a big big big ego and will rarely admit to these sorts of things unless she meant it. She is brutally honest, but unfortunately the one time I needed her to be brutally honest she lied to me by ommission.

 

Anyways, we are giving it another go. I understand that she was scared of family ties and social stigma, as anyone would be in her situation. But over the period of time we were broken up, I got to see that she was just as heart broken as I was about the breakup, despite her efforts not to show it. I love this woman to death, and she loves me, that was never the issue, although it always looked like it was one sided. Fact is, I can't hurt a wife who doesn't love or care about me. Once upon a time things were perfect, honeymoon phase developed into dysfunctional relationship... Now we are working things out. I am giving her a bit of space to give her a chance to forgive me and miss me. I already miss her and she misses me, but I believe this temporary seperation (my idea btw), will help heal our broken marriage. I am on LC with her for now, cant go NC even though we have no ties together (kid(s), house, pet(s), assets), we just cant go a day without saying good night or good morning or have a nice day to each other.

[oldshirt]

See her issues with the divorce and asking you to stay have to do with HER selfish issues ....and NOT any guilt or accountability over how she has treated you - her love for you and sorrow over the loss of you. No - its over her social standing and family ties.

 

This is the best confirmation you need to continue onward.

 

Simply keep repeating to yourself (and perhaps her) that you need/deserve kindness respect admiration and devotion from a woman.

 

I agree ^^^^^^^^

[health]

Polymor - Just broke up with her yesterday? This is like the first baby step in the process and pain. People are still healing 5 years after the fact, and the real pain kicks in when you have completely cut them off and are like 3 weeks in. It sounds like you two may even stay together. If you're going to divorce make an informed decision, and know it's gonna take a long time to heal from it.

[Polymer]

To the above posters thanks for your input...

 

Its clear that she doesn't respect me, or anyone for that matter. I have lost my love for her and I intend to ruin her life in the worst possible way I can, because she has taken that many hits to my self esteem I feel like I need to get revenge by removing husbandly things that are important to her and just going NC. Now I am just pretending that I love her, so that she doesn't suspect a thing, then next month when i'm ready i'm gonna come down like a ton of bricks on her for all the pain/hurt she has caused to me and my family. I despise her so much, loath her in fact. Her life is ruined. I am going to expose her to her family for what she is. She pretends to be an innocent girl, but she is a club tramp and her family will be dissapointed that she is like that. So much hate i'm feeling torwards her, its not healthy but once this process is finished, I will be going NC. I will deal with her family regarding the divorce. Thank goodness this will all be in different countries, no kids no assets nothing to split or etc.

 

Looking for a clean break, her family love me so I doubt they will try to make this difficult.

 

And to Health, yes it will be difficult to deal with the blow to my self esteem that I have taken due to the emotional abuse from her, but I am so happy already to have the prospects of a single life. Never getting married again or getting in a relationship for that matter!!!

[M30USA]

Don't try to ruin her. Nothing good comes out of it. You'll ruin yourself by trying to ruin her. Let her live her life and, if she has bad character, she will ruin herself. NC is all you should do if you decide to divorce. Make sure that you've tried to salvage the marriage in every possible way first.

[BlueIris]

To the above posters thanks for your input...

 

Its clear that she doesn't respect me, or anyone for that matter. I have lost my love for her and I intend to ruin her life in the worst possible way I can, because she has taken that many hits to my self esteem I feel like I need to get revenge by removing husbandly things that are important to her and just going NC. Now I am just pretending that I love her, so that she doesn't suspect a thing, then next month when i'm ready i'm gonna come down like a ton of bricks on her for all the pain/hurt she has caused to me and my family. I despise her so much, loath her in fact. Her life is ruined. I am going to expose her to her family for what she is. She pretends to be an innocent girl, but she is a club tramp and her family will be dissapointed that she is like that. So much hate i'm feeling torwards her, its not healthy but once this process is finished, I will be going NC. I will deal with her family regarding the divorce. Thank goodness this will all be in different countries, no kids no assets nothing to split or etc.

 

Looking for a clean break, her family love me so I doubt they will try to make this difficult.

 

WHOA! You had my sympathy until this. Awful.

 

I hope you're merely venting in anger and that you rethink doing these things and what kind of person you want to be. You will always have to live with your own actions, and will know what you did. Maybe even stare into your own eyes in a mirror, say "{your name} is a person who does {the things you listed}" and see if you can tolerate being that person and living with that. It's up to you, but you will lose the high road.

[Polymer]

I have tried to salvage the marriage every way possible. I even offered MC and she flat out refused, said that she is normal and doesn't need it, said I can go alone if I want so that I can learn to be a better husband. The arrogance is just ridiculous with her.

 

I may have exaggerated my vent in anger in my last post. Divorcing her will naturally ruin her life by default, but there are other things that I had offered to help with to alleviate the difficulties that she will face. I was going to go out of my way GREATLY to help her, in good faith that she could maybe start treating me well for a change. But I am going to take that all away and let her face the full concequences of her bad character all on her own, and i'm doing it in a stealthy manner so that there are no surprises along the way. Thats all I meant by i'm pretending to love her, i'm just lining up my ducks so that when next month I will truly just get over with this sham of a marriage. NC will be easy, but I suspect that once reality sinks in, she may try to beg back for me (for the wrong reasons) but I will not oblige. My family are on board, and so are my friends, they all see how she treats me in front of them she doesn't even care to at least pretend to treat me nicely in front of them. So yes I am a victim of emotional abuse and a selfish wife (NPD) who does not care about what she says or does. Most of all, I am hurt because of the kind of person she turned me into (against her only), and its not pretty. I honestly want the worst for her to happen in her life so that she sees how much of a bad character she has... for her own good of course, think of it as tough love.

 

End another rant

[whichwayisup]

You need to grieve the loss and it is a loss.. Of your lives that you thought you'd share until you grew old. Obviously things changed between you two and even though you are getting a divorce it's still sad and a life shared with her is gone. Your routines, familiarity, comforts is changing so it's not easy even if you were the one pushing for the D.

[Polymer]

You need to grieve the loss and it is a loss.. Of your lives that you thought you'd share until you grew old. Obviously things changed between you two and even though you are getting a divorce it's still sad and a life shared with her is gone. Your routines, familiarity, comforts is changing so it's not easy even if you were the one pushing for the D.

 

Amen to that x1000. Its not easy but fortunately it was a very short marriage, so I am able to fall back into my old routine with ease. I will have moments of when I miss the good times, thats normal, but I will ALWAYS be happy(ier) without her. Looking forward to a good forever single life.

[Desert70]

I'm just so depressed right now about everything. I thought that this would be as easy as I had imagined it to be.

 

I thought I had checked out already and was ready for all of this, but I am in pain. One day i'm happy about the breakup, then the next I am depressed, then I feel like I did everything, then I feel like I didn't do enough, then I feel confused about my feelings for her.

 

At the end of the day, I can honestly say that I am still very much in love with my stbx, but our marriage is miserable and so are we. Her narcissism/arrogance/rudeness are the true causes of our breakup as they are a deal breaker for me.

 

Now she is trying to guilt me into staying, saying that if we divorce, her life will be pretty much ruined because of the social stigma that she will have (our culture is very strict regarding divorce for women), and her family possibly disowning her.

 

 

I'm sorry that you're going through these difficult times. I just wanted to tell you that time heals, and you will eventually start feeling better. If your marriage was a disfunctional one, it is better for both of you to end it. As far as society, family, and friends, don't worry about any of that. Think of you and your future.

 

I come from a family who does not accept divorce, as well as my culture and religion. Fortunately for me, I did it anyways. It was hard at first because I lost my husband of 23 years, my family, and friends (common friends), but I didn't give up. 4 years later, my family understood their mistake in judging me, and I made new friends.

 

You will succeed too, just keep your head up and don't look back. Enjoy the things that you like, and try to stay busy. I'm not sure if you have children, but id you do, spend as much time as you can with them. Good luck!

[health]

Polymer - Oh man. If you're seeking revenge, you are nowhere near healing. The point you have to get at is progressing yourself and forgiving her. Look at where you are now and where you have to get to. Ultimately - it's the only way - anything else that involves anger or revenge is going to hurt you in the end. Be careful. Focus on your own healing.

[Polymer]

Hold me LS

 

I have officially initiated the divorce process with her. I did it in such a brutal way. I didn't go overboard or anything, but the impact will last a lifetime though. I burned bridges with her and hopefully I never have to hear from her again. Our families will handle the divorce for us.

 

I don't know why i'm sad though, it really goes to show that no matter how unhappy you are in a relationship, you actually still mourn a loss... Damn it!

[BlueIris]

Two quotes come to mind:

 

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.

-Confucius

 

You never really know someone until you're divorcing them.

- I have no idea who.

 

 

I've been divorced. The way you do it could mean so much to you in the coming years and decades. If you can shift the tone and method from being brutal to being gracious, I do recommend shifting it, for yourself. Most people feel so much better about doing it "well" and take pride in it.