total confusion

[Lizer]

Hi guys,

 

Great forum. I could really do with some support. I have not dated in a really long time. I started sharing with a single guy several months ago and didn't expect anything to change. Unfortunately living with this really attractive single guy changed all that.

 

There are a few problems. He and I have nothing at all in common. He gets home from work fairly early and I've been out of work and since I moved in he insisted we hang out together. He'd make me feel like I was being cruel if I didn't act friends with him. Prior to that I'd lived a more solitary existence and kept myself to myself. Not only do we have nothing in common but he has a real habit of saying really offensive things about people behind their backs. In fact he very rarely ever says anything nice about anyone. To put this in some context, this guy while good at his job is not very educated and obviously has limited social skills - at least so far as I've seen.

 

He just came out of a relationship where he felt he was a victim of bullying and I can understand reticence in trusting other people. The problem is that because we are sharers, the stakes are really high if either one of us makes a mistake and offends the other person and its become really tense in the house. We have spent time nearly every night for the past six months together and despite our differences seem to have become quite close.

 

I'm about to start seeing more of other people though, the kind of people who don't offend other people every time they open their mouths- people I have interests in common with. Despite being with this guy every night for six months, apart from giving me the occasional hot look he's never made a move on me. I find this quite odd. I get the feeling that if I were to start dating someone else he would make things really difficult for me round here. He's technically my landlord.

 

At the same time he won't seem to verbally admit to having any feelings or intentions toward me which I think is necessary to define what is going on. I don't think either of us wants to hurt the other but I also suspect there are other people better suited to me than this guy. I also suspect that if I wasn't here every day with this guy then I would not feel the way I do and having nothing in common our paths would never cross. However while I'm here I hang on his every word and action and it is driving me nuts.

 

It isn't that easy just to find somewhere else to live though and I'm having trouble coping with the tension between us. I'm anxious all the time now and really stressed. If I try to avoid him then it only seems to make the tension worse. I feel like a fly caught in a spider web.

[preraph]

It's not good to move in with guys you don't know. I did it once because I was desperate and he had a room but it didn't last long before I had to get out. In the meantime, he pursued and had an affair with my old roommate and friend so I was never rid of him and he got all stalky with her and literally kidnapped her from my home one day and she was dumb enough to not make too much fuss about it but that's another story.

 

There's all kinds of red flags with this guy. He may be using this share arrangement just to trap girls into being with him. He obviously has a very bad problem with everything negative about everyone and he's needy in the extreme. The longer you stay, the more he'll be invested. It isn't that hard to get out. Next time at least move in with a woman if it has to be a stranger.

[Lizer]

Thanks for taking the time to reply, it sounds like you've had some bad sharing experiences. I agree that sharing is not ideal and it was not a decision made because it was my first choice.

 

Having said that, I didn't mean to suggest this guy is in any way dangerous. Well, maybe emotionally but really he wouldn't hurt a fly. He shares for financial reasons and to help pay for his boys toys. I agree with you that he's a bit needy though. I just think that at the same time he is also afraid of where those needs may lead him.

 

Either way no one likes to be punished for the unacceptable behaviours of someone else's ex-partner and I guess there will be a time when this will come to a head. Either I'll find somewhere else I can afford or meet someone else. Till then I'll just have to figure out a way to cope. I'll be starting a course soon so hopefully that will shake things up a bit.