dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Ok so say you have a girlfriend who is telling an ex lover that they cant talk anymore because she is going to move on with her life. she has already days before this promised me they would never see eachother again, this makes me very happy as it caused soooo many problems. Before i go to work my gf tells me she is never talking to the ex love again that i have nothing to worry about she promises, cause she knows it kills me at work to think that they could be talking, so she assuuuuuurrees me that she will no longer talk to the ex lover and after the ex lover calls for about a week and she ignores the calls the ex lover will get the hint, so i go to work feeling really really really good that i can trust her. ANYWAYS i get home some gut instinct was just telling me they talked, i could feel it in the pit of my stomach, so i go in the bedroom when i get home and ask to speak with her, I have a tone like i know something and want to talk about it, she comes out of the room and i say, so is there something you want to tell me? or are you going to lie to me, cause if she did talk to her and didnt want to tell me she wouldnt unless she knew that i knew so i had to act like i knew something, yes i know sneaky but my feelings were to strong to just not ask, and i didnt want to be lied to. So she says go check the computer, that she wrote me a note, so i go check it, she tells me they talked on the phone and she told the ex lover that they can no longer talk to eachother and that she doesnt feel like answering details so dont even ask. Well seeing as how this sint the first time they broke it off im dying for details, just anything to give me some sence of closure she gives me nothing, just that the ex lover cried and told her how much she loved her "yea ex lover is a lezbian female" but i can tell there is something that im not being told i just dont have that sence that everything is out in the open. So it just pops in my mind "i bet they saw eachother" i asked "did you see her today" she goes silent, i could have fricken died right there, my heart dropped to my stomach, she was going to keep that from me and just let me live forever not knowing that the damn chick came over crying to my girlfriend, to me that is so un forth coming, i feel like i had a right to know that and she should have told me, because im mad that she didnt tell me she does the ol, i wish i would have lied and said no. and this is the girl im marrying. Shouldnt i have known this right when i got home, is it right for this to have been kept from me and i had to ASK, how do i know there isnt other stuff that i dont know about and i just havent asked the right questions, i ttoally feel like she should have told me and if she would have just came out and told me it wouldnt have been a big deal, i would have been like oh jeeze but whatever, but no she just left out that big juicy little detail. jeeze im mad. i HAAAATE not being able to trust her and feel like she can easily do stuff behind my back, and oh god if there is a person in this world that can justify behavior like this ladies and gentlen i introduce you to my girlfriend, she will justify anything. I hate being hurt, im so tired of it. Link to post Share on other sites
_Saffy_ Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 why is it so important to you that she no longer speaks to this person? Link to post Share on other sites
Author dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 see: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56438/ That should about sum it up. Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Dannyboy, you need to watch "Chasing Amy." The similarities to your situation are frightening. But you know there is no excuse for lying. And as for being curious or getting something out of her system, then that's not really love she has for you. Love would mean that she would be happy with you... no curiousity, no urges, etc. I hate to be that blunt, but it is how I see it. But in answer to your question, I for one don't think that you're out of line in feeling like you have a right to know what goes on here. A number of posters her at LS would say that she has her right to privacy... but in a committed relationship, there is no need for privacy. There are no secrets. There is no lack of trust. You, however, seem to have a problem with all of this in your relationship. And while I do not suscribe to the idea of "once a cheater always a cheater," your girlfriend is setting up a disturbing pattern of lying to you. Id say sit down and hash out all the details. Write up agreements between the two of you and then sign it. Stick to it. But believe me, you can work this out. It's going to take a lot of work from the both of you, though. Good luck and I know you'll keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Its a very simple thing that is very hard to pull off, depending on how emotionally strong and secure you are. You say "stop seeing other people, or this relationship will end." The kicker is, is that you have to mean it. You can say it all you want, but if you don't really intend to follow through with it and she knows that - then she's going to continue to have her cake and eat it too. Because by allowing it to happen with no firm consequences, on some level you are condoning it. Otherwise, you wouldn't be with her now. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Dude, she cut if off with the other person and said they can't talk anymore, what else do you want from the poor girl. If you can't trust her, then you can't be in a relationship with her. But basically, I see no reason not to trust her IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 really jilly? this is a girl that are first experiance at a casino togeather, when she told me she was going to the bathroom she was really using her phone to call her lezbian lover. Among a million other things. Theres just a tad bit of trust issues that i would LOVE to get over with. I just feel like no matter what i had a right to know that my girfriend actually had a lezbian crying in her arms while i was at work even if it was for only 10 minutes and even if it had to do with her telling the lezbian they cant talk anymore, i feel i had a right to know that detail. I dont like knowing the love of my life, person im spending the rest of my life with can live with herself just fine not telling me things. emopunk i feel the exact same way But in answer to your question, I for one don't think that you're out of line in feeling like you have a right to know what goes on here. A number of posters her at LS would say that she has her right to privacy... but in a committed relationship, there is no need for privacy. There are no secrets. There is no lack of trust. Link to post Share on other sites
meejessica Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 [color=indigo]Danny you know that while we at that casino the only reason we were together is because you wouldn't let me feel my own feelings, you wanted to be with me sooo bad you talked around that clock telling me how you feel and how I should be feeling. You know Danny that at that casino when I was checking my voicemail that I still had feelings for her, I told you that while we were there. So please quit making me out to be so bad when you knew that I still cared about her deeply. My opinion you asked for this kind of stuff. If you would have just let me be alone when I wanted to be alone to sort out my own feelings none of that would have happend.[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
meejessica Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 [color=indigo]Thank you Jilly10340!!!! Ok I am Jessica, as you can see by my username ; ) Anyway here is my side to the story. My x-lover has been calling my cell phone on a regular basis because she thought that was ok to call me, but I have not been answering. Danny’s mom and Danny kept saying you need to tell her not to call you anymore. This is really important to them for me to let this girl know she can no longer call me. I didn’t want to tell her, I just wanted to move on and take the easy way out by not answering my phone. So anyway last night after Danny went to work, hours after he went to work I was hanging out at my neighbor’s house telling her the story, she tells me yea you need to tell the girl how you feel and that you can no longer talk to her so for her to stop calling you and let her know you will not ever be calling her again. So I call the girl, I let her know what’s going on, I feel like I can tell here everything and she won’t get mad at me so I am able to go into details about how Danny and I are going to work things out. She asked if she could stop by because she just so happened to be right before my exit on the freeway going to work. I told her that would be to hard for me. Emotionally. The phone call ends and she is clear that we can never talk again. 5-10 min later she calls my phone and says she’s outside. I go out there she just wanted to see me one last time. She knows from here on out we can never see or talk to each other and why. She left 5-10 min later. So when I come home from my neighbors house last night around 11:30pm I get on my computer leave Danny a note, telling him I called her, let her know not to call me anymore, and that I will not be calling her anymore. Danny is the type to want every detail about the phone conversation so in the note I wrote him on the comp I put in there, Yes Danny she cried, Yes Danny it was hard, but its over and I really do not want to talk about it so please don’t questioned me. So he comes home, comes in the room before getting my note all mad sounding like he’s caught me in something, which he hasn’t he has a feeling that I talked to her so he wants to put on a front so I wont want to lie to him. He says we need to talk; you want to tell me now. I was like uhhh I left you a note on the computer. He reads it, ask’s me 50 questions. And Says see how can I trust you, before I go to work I ask you and tell you not to talk to her and you assure me you wont and you do. I am like “HELLO” you wanted me to tell her not to call me anymore so I did. But he feels like he can’t trust me now because I called her to tell her that with out telling him first. He thinks I needed to have called im before I called her to let him now I was going to call her now, he’s at work I can not call him there. Anyway I tell him I do not want to talk about it. I go back to bed, he comes in 5-10 min later asking more questions I am like Danny I don’t feel like I have to tell you every detail, its over between her and I and you should be happy she’s not going to be calling here anymore. He continues to ask questions and then it comes out, he ask’s did you see her tonight. I paused for a second and then said yes Danny she stopped by. He FREAKS out, going off about how can I not tell him that, telling me I’m a dishonest !@#$ yada yada yada going on and on. I am like this is why I didn’t want to tell you, but I did tell you when you asked. I could have lied to you and said no I didn’t see her when I did. To sum up my feelings. Danny checks my call logs on the t-mobile website so unless I called from someone else’s phone he would have known weather I told him or not. So I feel like if I am so dishonest. I could have just called her from my neighbor’s phone and never even told him to avoid all this. But instead I called from my phone so he could see it, and I even wrote him a note telling him about it just encase he checked my phone when he got home before getting my note that way he could see yes I am telling you. I feel like he should be happy that this is over and we can move on 100% But instead because I didn’t tell him in the note that she stopped by and he had to ask me if she stopped by that I am dishonest and he can not trust me. I am to the point now to where I don’t even care anymore about anything. I am soooo tired of this. She is out of my life now 100% I just hope she can be out of his. If not I’m like I said fed up and am ready to just get out of here by moving out of state w/ my relatives. I feel like I have done everything he wants and basically for nothing because he’s not happy. So what do I do?[/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 LoL! I merely mentioned how it would have been nicer to know ahead of time you were doing that, kind of sucks being happy at work cause you promised not to talk to her and to find out you did, no matter what the convo was about, BUT i didnt press the issue did i? was just telling you my feelings, you didnt get bitched at or anything. And what made it so bad is you admitting you would have gone on forever without me knowing she stopped by, her stopping by is a very big detail that should have never been left out, because im hurt you left that out does not meen im not happy that you ended it with her "again". I just hate knowing that you would so easily keep details like that from me. THATS ALL. it's called being open and honest, honest is great, but so is being open. You would want the same respect from me. Link to post Share on other sites
emopunk Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 ...and today on Jerry Springer... Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 I have a question.....would you have the same reaction if the ex lover were a man? Or would it be worse? Just curious.... I think that her coming over was a big detail to leave out, but look how you reacted when you found out that she MERELY called her, not to mention that she was calling her to tell her they can't talk anymore. Just something to think about.... Link to post Share on other sites
magda Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Why are you guys posting this? What good is outside opinion? You want to know who is right and wrong? Well there isn't any.. you guys don't trust each other, you don't communicate well, you're pulling and tugging instead of understanding and compromising. Whether one of you is right and one is wrong (which is highly unlikely) you're going to break up if you can't resolve your trust and communication issues. If you love each other, if it's worth it, then work it out. If you can't work it out, you're not on equal footing and your relationship will never be peaceful. Link to post Share on other sites
Pocky Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 A mountain out of a mole hill. She told her goodbye. Let it go. You're exasperating the situation needlessly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dan123 Posted February 18, 2005 Author Share Posted February 18, 2005 well it's done with, I just want to be confident both us us are open and honest and loyal to eachother. jilly, I bet if they had break up sex it shouldnt matter because they were breaking up and thats all that matters right? I know your kind of mantality, thankfully you are not my girlfriend. Why are you guys posting this? What good is outside opinion? We both have seperate computers, it's better than trying to argue our points to eachother, we enjoy hearing 3rd party opinions. anyhow im helping her with a resume so i gotta go, later. Link to post Share on other sites
Jilly10340 Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Um.......WTF???? As far as everyones knows, the "visit" was completely innocent and she didn't even ask that girl to come over she just kind of showed up. It would be different if she had ASKED the girl to come over but she didn't. She didn't do anything wrong except tell the girl that they couldn't talk anymore. What's wrong with that. She did it for YOU. Get over it and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
meejessica Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 Thank you Jilly10340 that is how I feel. It’s annoying how he acts, just because you think he should move on he acts like he doesn't want your advice. He's immature. : ( Anyway Jilly10340 I appreciate your opinion and everyone else's. Thank you : ) Jessica Link to post Share on other sites
GirlDown Posted February 18, 2005 Share Posted February 18, 2005 i think this post is crap. thank you. moving right along... Link to post Share on other sites
meejessica Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 Lol Link to post Share on other sites
Grinning Maniac Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 You two bore me. Just break up already. Jesus have you two got issues. Link to post Share on other sites
young&idealistic Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 OK guys. You two are way too cute. It's obvious you're in love and both dedicated to your relationship. Anyway, some other posters have acted like this is no big deal, and I would like to say that I understand both of your points of view. My heart goes out to both of you.... Of course Dan is upset!!! He's hurt, and his ego is bruised. He hates the whole situation, totally understandably! He desperately wants a reason to nail you for doing something wrong, Jessica, because he's hurt, and he wants to feel justified that he feels jealous. And I understand you too Jessica, that you were really trying to make things right. It hurt you so much to have to break this woman's heart that you care about, and it made it a million times worse that you felt like you had to cover up your pain from Dan, the person you love the most, because it would upset him to think you were emotionally involved with your ex. I commend you Dan for trying to get over what's happened, and I really think you don't have anything to worry about as far as trust goes. Yes, maybe Jessica should have laid everything out on the table immediately... but she DID tell you... the same night. That means she really wanted you to know things, but she was unsure and scared of how to present everything because she loves you! Someone trying to cover up something would have denied it hands down, the minute it was brought up. And if you hadn't mentioned it just then, she would have told you anyway, once she was feeling less vulnerable. She loves you, and she doesn't want to screw things up. You both want things to work, so I say, please try to just let that happen. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
meejessica Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 [color=indigo]Thank you young&idealistic, we both appriciate your post. Thanks[/color] Click here to see my photo album : ) Link to post Share on other sites
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