future vs reality vs what if

[Ap05]

Situation currently as follows:

 

My mm served wife in April but she had been sick and he's still there and this is now July. She had issues when they took out her iud and she had lost 25pds and she had a bad uti to gl with it. She is served and they are talking divorce and he does want to be with me but I'm so confused about what's to come and what is next. I am divorced as well but va law and fl law *fl is where he is getting his divorce* is so different. He does have 2 kids and the oldest bday is the 4th of July and she's turning 16.

I'm just so confused with reality vs what he's saying and if it's real or not. A lot of things have happened too. My ex roommate blackmailed me with him bc she wanted to stay at my apt illegally and then he backed off to protect his family just in case. We've fought over why he hasn't moved out and just this and that and then we both got sick.

I'm confused to wait for something or to not. I'm so in love with him and we do fit perfectly ans what he's bad at I'm good at and vice versa.

Idk if I'm just fed up or if I'm being impatient. He is 43 and I'm 28 this is his first divorce and she doesn't know about me. My ex husband cheated on me twice and I don't want to hurt his wife bc she doesn't know he's moved on.

Please help if anyone has been in this situation

[notserene]

I am having trouble understanding this post. Are you saying that he has filed for divorce, but he is still living with his wife?

[Ap05]

I am having trouble und erstan ding this post. Are you saying that he has filed for divorce but he is still living with his wife?

 

 

Yes, he still lives with her, his kids dont know and he's always saying that we will be together soon and he just did the hardest thing in his life to be with me and that was serving her. She had gotten really sick and the drs didn't know what was wrong with her he had taken off of work and he spend many days in with drs and specialist and taking care of the kids and I think this past month she was on the mend and they have had talks about the divorce but that's all I know. I gave him a date which is 3 months from when she was served to be moved out or have a game plan. I understood that he has the June is a hard month bc of bday an father's day and he had a work trip all in June and he said the timing wasn't right to tell the kids and she and him are still working out I guess everything, money time kids etc. My divorce was quick and easy no kids and little property his not so much.

I don't understand how he can go home every night there and pretend it's okay. He says that it's hard bc the kids don't know and that there's tension btwn the two of them and he says he feels alone but he won't leave just yet and I don't get why. He says he has to do it this way so everyone will feel okay with it and I keep asking what his way Is and he said the way it's going.

I know an ultimatum isn't the best thing to do but he did agree to it and he understood my thinking. He was divorcing and get stuff together for the lawyer when everything with us started a year ago. I just don't understand why he won't be with me yet.shes served you want a divorce you want to leave so why can't he just go. It's so frustrating.

I started therapy last week with him among other things as a topic. I mean is there a silver lining, has anyone been in a situation like this before. I know everyone wants their mm/mw to leave and mine is but it's like he rushed to get all this done and now it's going snail speed. I keep asking him when is it going to be us ans he said soon he said he wants to give kids time to adjust before school so he has to tell them soon *his kids are 16 and 13*

I just don't understand

[notserene]

So...he stays because his wife is sick, he's supposedly making it "easier" for the kids...but he wants to be with you?

 

Have you seen proof of service? Has she filed an answer?

 

Many times people file for divorce but reconcile.

 

Just a thought.

[whichwayisup]

I think giving him 3 months to figure it out is well enough time. If in 3 months he's still there, the kids still don't know and there's no plan then you have to end it and walk away. No point in hanging around, continuing to be his OW. All that does is enable him to prolong things and stay married.

 

Are you absolutely sure papers were filed for a divorce? Did you see any of the paperwork?

 

There will always be an excuse as to why he can't leave. Soon it'll be someone's birthday, then the start of school, then Halloween, then Thanksgiving..Now it'll be too close to Christmas for him to leave ...

[Ap05]

So...he stays because his wife is sick, he's supposedly making it "easier" for the kids...but he wants to be with you?

 

Have you seen proof of service? Has she filed an answer?

 

Many times people file for divorce but reconcile.

 

Just a thought.

 

Yes I have seen proof and I'm fine with that aspect of it. Idk what she has done and he says he doesn't either sooooo......idk it seems fishy but I know spouses sometimes don't tell what the other is planning during a divorce I know a lot of cases like that but I don't know

[Ap05]

I think giving him 3 months to figure it out is well enough time. If in 3 months he's still there, the kids still don't know and there's no plan then you have to end it and walk away. No point in hanging around, continuing to be his OW. All that does is enable him to prolong things and stay married.

 

Are you absolutely sure papers were filed for a divorce? Did you see any of the paperwork?

 

There will always be an excuse as to why he can't leave. Soon it'll be someone's birthday, then the start of school, then Halloween, then Thanksgiving..Now it'll be too close to Christmas for him to leave ...

 

 

I'm 200% sure of the paperwork. I have seen it and I've seen the things he's done to get to the point he's at. He told.me the attorneys name and I know all of that.

I told him by the 20th he needs to be or if he's not he at least needs to have a true game plan something we both need to talk about and if he doesn't I told him I'm done so he knows. He agreed and said it was fair but waiting is so hard and he days i stress him out bc I talk about it all the time and he doesn't want to talk about it all the time. Idk how to not lol ..... it's so close yet so far

[SoleMate]

The work trips, the minor illnesses, the semi-major illnesses, the holidays, the birthdays, the out of town guests, the burst pipes....they can last for the next 20-30 years. And they will. "Prevent" him from leaving. Even though he really "wants" to.

 

his wife....doesn't know he's moved on.

Of course not, because he's still there at home. And I very much doubt that he's "filed for divorce". And if he were serious about divorcing to be with you, he would have told her and she most likely would have thrown him out, which obviously didn't happen. I'd bet 4:1 that he's busting his butt to keep her from finding out that anything is wrong so he can keep the M and secondarily, the A, going.

 

I wouldn't trust a single word out of cheatingMM's mouth at this point. Not unless you can verify it independently.

[Ap05]

The work trips, the minor illnesses, the semi-major illnesses, the holidays, the birthdays, the out of town guests, the burst pipes....they can last for the next 20-30 years. And they will. "Prevent" him from leaving. Even though he really "wants" to.

 

Of course not, because he's still there at home. And I very much doubt that he's "filed for divorce". And if he were serious about divorcing to be with you, he would have told her and she most likely would have thrown him out, which obviously didn't happen. I'd bet 4:1 that he's busting his butt to keep her from finding out that anything is wrong so he can keep the M and secondarily, the A, going.

 

I wouldn't trust a single word out of cheatingMM's mouth at this point. Not unless you can verify it independently.

 

I can verify points here and there but not all the time I have seen paperwork so I know it's like in process ans she is aware of him wanting a divorce