Confused

[ReRe]

My wife and I have been married for a little over 5 years now. Just recently an old boyfriend looked her up in a high school alumni directory and started to email her. We she first told me about this I really did not have any problems with it. Over time it has started to wear on me. I have also recently found out that this person was her first love. I am not really sure how to feel about all of this now. We have talked about it some and she tells me that if I ask her to stop communication with him, I am saying that I do not trust her. But really I do not trust him. I am very confused by the whole situation and really do not know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? Any help or advice would be great.

[Tony T]

Well, if you ask her to stop or substantially reduce this Email contact, maybe she will think you don't trust her but if she doesn't abide by your wishes as her husband, she has little or no respect for you or her marriage.

 

If this guy hadn't been her first love and if he wasn't so energetically involved in the Email exchange, it wouldn't be so bad. But I agree with you that one thing can lead to another, particularly with this Internet stuff.

 

I think any normal man would question a wife's intense Email exchange with a former love, particularly a first love...no matter how harmless it may actually be. I just don't think it's right.

 

Let her know that you trust her but you don't feel good about his intentions. One intial contact to say hello was OK but a continuing exchange is rather disrespectful in the context of their past and your marriage.

 

Don't be mean about this, but very kindly and gently let her know that you would consider it an act of respect for her to put the brakes on this thing...and an act of dishonor to keep up a vigorous contact with him.

 

I don't think you have a whole lot of control over it, quite frankly, unless you're with your wife 24/7. Are there other compelling reasons why she would want to keep up such contact? Is she getting things from this guy over Email that she's not getting from you?

 

You may need to take a god look at your marriage. Women who are happy and fulfilled in their relationship usually do not go overboard in keeping in touch with former loves.

[cass]

Hi

 

Is your wife assuring you that there's nothing between them. He was her first love, was this a casual relationship or more intense? Does she talk to you about that. The more you know the better as it may stop your imagination running away with you.

 

If it was a former girlfriend contacting you what would you do? Would you find it difficult to just ignore the eamil. Maybe she is just a polite person and doesn't want to ignore him or may be curious as to what he's up to now. I must admit, I have been with my husband 12 years and if my first love emailed me I would be curious as to what he is doing with his life, it doesn't mean I would go back to my past and want to form a relationship again - definetely not. It was a very intense and possessive relationship and got to dislike him intensly, but I would still be curious.

 

The fact that she told you about it is promising. She can't be hiding anything.

 

You said you didn't trust him - well it takes two as they say so really deep down you may not trust her, but I wouldn't worry about that because anyone would feel jealous or concerned about the situation as long as you don't give her too much pressure about stopping contact with him.

 

I understand that you are concerned, it's only natural to be, but I would not go on about it too much because people tend to do the opposite if they are told not to do something or feel like they are not trusted. I would see if there is changes in her behaviour towards you over this. Is she irritable or distant, does she spend a long time on the computer, more than normal. If the answer is yes then I would try and talk to her, because then you will have a reason to suspect something. If she is unwilling to stop communicating with him, maybe you could suggest all meeting up (just an idea) to see her reaction or even asking to see the emails. She shouldn't have anything to worry about if she doesn't feel anything for this man. I'm only suggesting these things if her behaviour is so different (without the pressure from you) and not at this stage.

 

Good luck. Hope things work out

[livingjewel]

My wife and I have been married for a little over 5 years now. Just recently an old boyfriend looked her up in a high school alumni directory and started to email her. We she first told me about this I really did not have any problems with it. Over time it has started to wear on me. I have also recently found out that this person was her first love. I am not really sure how to feel about all of this now. We have talked about it some and she tells me that if I ask her to stop communication with him, I am saying that I do not trust her. But really I do not trust him. I am very confused by the whole situation and really do not know what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? Any help or advice would be great.