Salesbury Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 My husband and I have had a few issues past few months. Long story short we got into and argument over the phone last week and I was so angry I left and he was so angry he told me he wanted a divorce. He makes rash decisions sometimes but they have never lasted over a week leaving me to believe he means it. I keep trying to come back home but he keeps saying it's over and done. I'm doing exactly what the 180 says not to do and I'm looking pathetic so thinking I need to take a step back but wondering if it has worked? I am so torn up over this and desperate to keep my family together. I have to see him when we exchange our 6 month old daughter and he's so cold and cruel. Any advice would be appreciated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salesbury Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 It is under the critical read section. Telling you to pretty much back off and look happy, agree don't argue etc. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 If he wants to end the marriage then there is nothing you can do to prevent that. Sorry. There is no "magic bullet" to save a marriage. Sure if he's open to saving it then the 180 can help you but if his mind is made up then there's very little you can do. Link to post Share on other sites
M30USA Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Men act cold when they've at the end of their ropes. Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 How long have you been married? How has the marriage been? Infidelity? Abuse? Fighting? Financial issues? Men (and I'm pretty sure Women) don't just turn cold, and cruel for small reasons. We need a little more to go on, if you relationship was so fragile that a phone argument caused a divorce, there must have been warning signs along the way? The 180 will help you keep moving forward through the pain and suffering that is going to happen. All of us who have been dumped, have gone through this. Face it head on and cry when you need to and scream when you need to! Nothing will take away the pain, except time and acceptance. The 180 will help you maintain some self-respect and dignity. For me, that has proven to be more valuable to my self-esteem, than the gym, new clothes, painted house, or any other superficial item could warrant.. When you are hurting, post here. There are wonderful people here who really want to inspire and support you to get through this process to the other side... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salesbury Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 Won't be married a year until September and together 4 years... It was mostly a family issue, my sister stayed w us a month or so bc they were gettin a divorce..her kids were crazy and kinda messy but toddlers and she tried her best to keep up w them..he had a talk w her about it and the next week when she left for a hearing he saw something spilled on the carpet and just lost it, packed all her stuff, put in garage and sent her a FB msg and said you're not welcome here your stuff is in the garage..I was so upset by the way it was handled that I left and stayed w my other sis for a week. He wanted me home so I went home. I was reluctant bc I knew things were gonna b weird w family but he said he would still go to functions. I was kinda depressed about the whole thing while he grew angrier slowly putting all the blame on my family and calling me disloyal for leaving. Last week they asked to borrow a mower and he said no and I asked him how we are ever gonna get back to normalcy if he's acting like that and then he said he was gonna be the bigger person and break up with me. Later that day I was on his FB and saw where he was telling someone he had been smoking weed everyday when he woke up and went to bed. Then I flipped and told him I needed to leave bc I was so outraged and upset that he had been doing this before he drove our 6 month old to the sitters. That night he said he wanted a divorce and that was a week and a half ago. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salesbury Posted July 2, 2014 Author Share Posted July 2, 2014 The thing with my sis happened about 6 weeks ago and then his dad came to visit and then mom for a couple weeks each and he said when everyone was gone we would work on things alone, but then this blow up 2 days after his mom left. It's just hard bc the week before he was cuddling me in bed and then this and him just so confidently saying he's done Link to post Share on other sites
nbman Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 Sorry to hear about all of the issues. Family is something for me, that is a deal breaker. If you can't get along with my family, then we aren't going to work. Anyone who asks you to choose them over your family (unless there are obvious safety concerns) do not have your best interests at heart. Did you know he smoked pot at all? Is this new behaviour? Any other suspicious behavior? How old is he? People can sometimes freak out after the arrival of their first born (guys and girls) and there behavior is a result of fear and the unknown. It can cause them to revert to a let's say less mature state of mind about their relationship and place in life. My heart goes out to you. Look up the 180 here and try to follow it as best as possible. You need to start talking to an attorney and protecting that little baby. That should be your top priority...THE BABY. You will come next, he is a distant 5,345,4444 on your list of things to worry about... Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 I have to see him when we exchange our 6 month old daughter and he's so cold and cruel. Any advice would be appreciated! Is it possible he's using the 180 on you? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salesbury Posted July 3, 2014 Author Share Posted July 3, 2014 He's 30. He has smoked before, he knows I don't like it so he'll ask before hand but now that it's legal in Colorado there's a lot of access to things, like he picked up a vapor pen and uses the wax so I can't smell it. I'm thrown off bc after blowing up on me the day before I left him alone. Yesterday he texted me and said he was very sad and depressed about all this and wanted to see his daughter. I took her over and he was crying his eyes out and talked about having his mom come out and help him but never said he missed me or wanted me back or anything. After he was done we actually had a normal conversation about work and he even asked about my sisters kids coming back but I deterred him from that before he got angry. Last night I texted him and told him I was here if he needed me. Hour later he told me how sad he was and said he was going to bed and I said goodnight and he actually told me goodnight, whereas before he wouldn't respond to me period. I don't know what the hell is going on! Link to post Share on other sites
azureorb Posted July 4, 2014 Share Posted July 4, 2014 I'm thrown off bc after blowing up on me the day before I left him alone. Yesterday he texted me and said he was very sad and depressed about all this and wanted to see his daughter. I took her over and he was crying his eyes out and talked about having his mom come out and help him but never said he missed me or wanted me back or anything. After he was done we actually had a normal conversation about work and he even asked about my sisters kids coming back but I deterred him from that before he got angry. Last night I texted him and told him I was here if he needed me. Hour later he told me how sad he was and said he was going to bed and I said goodnight and he actually told me goodnight, whereas before he wouldn't respond to me period. I don't know what the hell is going on! It's called mixed feelings. It would actually be odd if there were no mixed feelings. Much like during/after a breakup we'll feel great that it was the best thing, and then days later break down missing them/it and thoughts of OMG, etc. Essentially you have to take this situation into account as an opportunity to evaluate whether you should be together or not -- objectively. At the same time, you want to put the best foot forward TO make it work out -- truly work out -- if that is possible. It's still a little early. Don't have expectations that you guys Will get back together. You're in damage control mode. Focus on a comfort-level of talking about everything... don't kiss his arse, but don't bicker with him nor let your emotions dictate things either. It's tough to do when talking about things not working out, etc. But as far as getting mixed emotions from them -- Expect it. However, DON'T be a mere shoulder to cry on. It will backfire. His emotions will use you as an outlet in those situations where he's hurt about your breakup and having regrets about what he's done etc -- then otherwise not want to talk to you at all and will be walking his merry way through life somewhat happily without you. Don't fall into that trap. So how DO you handle it? Of course be someone to talk to. Be the "Good Guy" in it, through and through. Don't beat him up but take the position of how you'd be if you were possessed by a wise friend, looking at it from an outside perspective (as much as possible anyway). Don't console him with any "that's alright" -- but let him know that you're MARRIED, and breaking situations can help build it stronger and make both people realize what's up & carry on in the best ways ever -- or truly have it collapse, possibly in a really bad way, too. How someone handles issues over time with the other during a breakup or potential breaking up phase tells the True Tale as to whether they're TRULY a decent match or not. And it goes both ways. Be the Good Guy (but not a cry pillow for them). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Salesbury Posted July 4, 2014 Author Share Posted July 4, 2014 I just feel like I'm being mind **cked! He said he was cutting the grass if myself and our daughter wanted to come hang out. Before I left he said there he said we have a litter of kittens under OUR deck??? He cried a lil while he was washing dishes, when he was done he sat down and asked me if I wanted him to take our daughter next week since he was unable to this week bc he was on call. I almost feel like panic mode bc I dunno how to handle all this. How to act, what to say. One thing I haven't done is break down in front of him since it first happened. I've only been texting him when he initiates it. Don't like this roller coaster! Link to post Share on other sites
2.50 a gallon Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 The object of the 180 is to not get you back together. Rather it is to help you through the pain, get your life in order and begin moving on in life. Some times it does help a couple to work things out. From what you have described of your H, you can do a lot better. He sounds like he wants everything his way. A marriage is for two to share a life and family. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 The object of the 180 is to not get you back together. Rather it is to help you through the pain, get your life in order and begin moving on in life. Some times it does help a couple to work This ^^^^^^^^^^ The 180 is not a strategy for reconciliation. It is not a method for getting someone back or for working out problems in a relationship. It is an effective strategy for getting through a break up and moving on with your life without getting manipulated or pushed around by your ex in the process. Sometimes people come back and work things out but it is not the purpose of the 180. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 In your specific case you have a number if different issues that will need to be addressed whether you get back together or not. As you have a very young child, the court will likely mandate that you have counseling or mediation whether you want to or not. Both of you need to sht or get off the pot on what your intentions are. Each of you needs to state clearly whether you want to reconcile or divorce and then take definitive steps towards working out a workable plan for that. Both reconciliation and divorce will likely require professional assistance. It's time for one of you to be the adult here and end this stalemate and move forward towards either divorcing and having a coparenting plan or reconciling into a healthy and cooperative marriage. Both will require work and probably professional counseling. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts