church and morals with dating mm

[Ap05]

And at summers end if he doesn't leave her and officially file for divorce? What then? Will you continue to allow him to string you along or will give him the big F-U and end it, move on?

 

She's already served so I'm not worried about that aspect but more of what's to come.

 

He always says what would be the point of stringing Me along when I want to leave her. He says doing what he is just adds more stress and little time for happiness. If it doesn't happen by end summer I've told him I'm done.

[Owl]

So...if you're truly worried about the impacts of these actions on your soul...on your salvation...have you asked your pastor his opinion? The board of deacons?

 

If that is your focus and concern...your questions need to be answered by those that you believe represent your faith and have the appropriate biblical knowledge and wisdom to help you figure that out.

[Ap05]

So...if you're truly worried about the impacts of these actions on your soul...on your salvation...have you asked your pastor his opinion? The board of deacons?

 

If that is your focus and concern...your questions need to be answered by those that you believe represent your faith and have the appropriate biblical knowledge and wisdom to help you figure that out.

 

I'm still new to this area and I haven't found a church that I feel comfortable in. Everyone I talk to about this with the same ideals as I just say the same thing without listening. It's not all back and white. My ex cheated I caught him red handed and I am concerned about his w. I don't want to hurt anyone. But he is leaving her. It is a grey area to me. It's not always black and white and I where I'm from its just a lot of closed narrow minded People that hear one thing and automatically shut it down

[Allumere]

I'm still new to this area and I haven't found a church that I feel comfortable in. Everyone I talk to about this with the same ideals as I just say the same thing without listening. It's not all back and white. My ex cheated I caught him red handed and I am concerned about his w. I don't want to hurt anyone. But he is leaving her. It is a grey area to me. It's not always black and white and I where I'm from its just a lot of closed narrow minded People that hear one thing and automatically shut it down

 

Emotionally...no, it isn't black or white. Faith wise and logically it absolutely is. Please explain the grey.

 

I think folks have posted some pretty sound advise and also raised a very important point regarding the hiding of assets...and I think you are shutting that point out. You don't want to hurt anyone and although I think you believe that you are really doing everything to answer these questions of yours the reality is that the fear of rocking the boat on this relationship and what are slowly becoming expectations of the future are making you blind. You don't suck. You aren't evil. You are simply blinded right now.

 

As my grandma use to say "don't let your wants hurt you"

[Owl]

I'm still new to this area and I haven't found a church that I feel comfortable in. Everyone I talk to about this with the same ideals as I just say the same thing without listening. It's not all back and white. My ex cheated I caught him red handed and I am concerned about his w. I don't want to hurt anyone. But he is leaving her. It is a grey area to me. It's not always black and white and I where I'm from its just a lot of closed narrow minded People that hear one thing and automatically shut it down

 

My friend...you're southern baptist. It's MUCH, MUCH more black and white than you want to see it right now, given your situation.

 

Do some research online. Don't ask a forum...do some look up on the Southern Baptist Convention guidelines, for example.

[Smilecharmer]

Actually unless he has divorce papers in hand, adultery is still being committed by him and by you because you are having sex before it is official. Also, not coveting your neighbors spouse is also a commandment so you are coveting him by having sex and also wanting him to be with you while he is still married. Not sure why you are having problems understanding the basic principles of your own religion.

[Red123]

He had been getting everything together since last July/aug a lot of money moving and transfer of funds that she didn't know protecting some assets

 

 

 

THIS is how he treats his wife- moving and protecting martial assets without her knowledge- circumventing laws meant to protect martial property AND he claims to be religious AND he starting dating you before he file-

Ask yourself if this is the type of person you deserve/want to have a relationship with- remember, he probably once felt about his wife the way he feels about you and this is how he has decided to treat her when the relationship soured-is this they type of problem solver you want to have a life with- think long and hard and protect yourself-

Well said. I think people in As often overlook the other persons actions toward their spouse when deciding if they want to be with the married person. I totally agree that at some point he must have loved his wife enough to marry her and build a life with her, and now he is treating her very poor according to your posts. I think that in a lot of cases with As the OW/OM is so blinded by the feelings they get from the A and want so badly to be with the person that they don't look realistically at what that future may hold for them. Depending on the length of their M she probably earned some if that money or supported him to earn it and this is how he repays her. Fast forward 20 years from now, maybe it's a blissful union you have or maybe you become her, only a lot older and a lot more invested than you are now. I'm not trying to be cruel at all it's just something you may want to consider. You only get the best if him now, I'm sure there's a lot more to him than what you see.

[Quiet Storm]

I'm still new to this area and I haven't found a church that I feel comfortable in. Everyone I talk to about this with the same ideals as I just say the same thing without listening. It's not all back and white. My ex cheated I caught him red handed and I am concerned about his w. I don't want to hurt anyone. But he is leaving her. It is a grey area to me. It's not always black and white and I where I'm from its just a lot of closed narrow minded People that hear one thing and automatically shut it down

 

All this conflict is why you shouldn't get involved before he is actually divorced. You say he is leaving her, but he still lives there. You talk like it's a done deal, but it's not.

 

You said yourself that you are not the reason for the divorce, but you are the reason he has put a rush on it. I understand that you don't want to intentionally hurt his wife, but regardless of your motivations, your involvement with him may have certainly influenced his decision to divorce at this time.

 

If you not been involved, could they have worked it out? What if your presence during this time took his focus away from his wife & family? If he did not have you as an option, maybe his family would remain intact?

 

I am not saying he is not at fault, because he absolutely is. It is his responsibility to protect his marriage & family, not yours. But it is your responsibility to make good choices for yourself, and involving yourself with a man who still lives in the marital home is not a smart choice. You have a lot of people telling you that, but your emotions are driving your thoughts & choices. You want to be with him, so you find a way to discard any advice that goes against that... "they don't know", "its not black & white", "he'll be divorced eventually", "they are just a bunch of bible thumping closed minded church people". Your emotions are drowning out their logic because you want it to work out so bad. What's the harm in just putting the relationship on hold until he moves out and is officially divorced? If you are meant to be, you will be.

 

From your perspective, he is divorcing, they are over, he loves you, you love him and that's all that matters. But your family, friends and all these judgmental church people do not have the same emotional involvement with him, which is why they see it clearly. He is still married, he is still living at home, adultery is wrong, you are interfering in their marriage, etc. I am a liberal atheist from one of the most liberal states in the country, and I see this as black & white. Why? My emotions aren't involved.

 

So I would just ask you to try to put your emotions aside & look at this logically. Pretend you don't love this man and look at his actions & character. What would you say to your sister or daughter? Is this guy really the kind of man you can honor & respect?

[Ap05]

His marriage much like mine was his high school sweetheart and as they got older and had kids and family they became different people and he describes his relationship with her as a roommate and there's no sex or intimacy. They care for one another and have kids but she does her thing and he does his. He isn't a bad but I could be a little biast lol .... i understand wanting to protect assets when you are divorcing if you have enough invested. My divorce was pretty clean cut and to the point very little asset/property division and no kids.....

 

I agree my heart and head drive my emotions and man they are f*cked up. I constantly battle. Therapy is helping that. I ask this because after my divorce and my exh was dating while we were still married not even seperated he told his OW it was over when she knew it wasn't bc I had emailed her. And no one made a big deal like they are with me and it confuses me. He was more Christian than I and his friends who held position in the churches said if your divorcing her then it's no longer wrong and your doing the right thing. When I do this I get reamed over the coals. I' don't understand the mentality behind it.

I've told my mm this and I told him that my faith is important to me and I am compromising it to be with him.

 

Could his marriage be saved I think this is a long time coming and he felt now is a better time. He was doing this before I was really in the picture and he hasn't been happy in a long time in a love less sex less marriage. He stayed because it was comfortable and bc of the kids and now he feels this is a better time, am I a reason most Def that is an undeniable fact but does that make it wrong in the eyes of God. That someone who isn't happy is doing the right thing and leaving to be happy with someone else. The chances of this like any other relationship is 50/50. For one thing he is Jewish and I am good ol fire and brimstone s.baptist .... maybe that's why things weigh on me more and my emotions are getting the best of me. But God wants us to be happy. He said out of hope faith and love the greatest of these is love and there is real love there and within a situation that is getting rectified ie:divorced. How can something so wrong be right and not to say everything has been perfect with us but it's been good for us.

[scatterd]

Adultery is one of the ten commandments and is mentioned threw-out the Bible.It is even said that any other after marriage would be considered adultery. I am sure that your MM is aware of this being Church is for teaching the bible. If you are concerned consider waiting untill the divorce final. If you really need answers talking to your pasture is best. Jesus was sent here to teach us and he died for our sins because we are all born sinners which means we all make misstakes. But with that being said we are to try to do he right thing and try to obey his comandments. it is what it is with god. Not all are believers so you will get differant answers. Just know

going by your own beliefs will be best for you . Good luck and I wish you peace and happiness

[Allumere]

His marriage much like mine was his high school sweetheart and as they got older and had kids and family they became different people and he describes his relationship with her as a roommate and there's no sex or intimacy. They care for one another and have kids but she does her thing and he does his. He isn't a bad but I could be a little biast lol .... i understand wanting to protect assets when you are divorcing if you have enough invested. My divorce was pretty clean cut and to the point very little asset/property division and no kids.....

 

I agree my heart and head drive my emotions and man they are f*cked up. I constantly battle. Therapy is helping that. I ask this because after my divorce and my exh was dating while we were still married not even seperated he told his OW it was over when she knew it wasn't bc I had emailed her. And no one made a big deal like they are with me and it confuses me. He was more Christian than I and his friends who held position in the churches said if your divorcing her then it's no longer wrong and your doing the right thing. When I do this I get reamed over the coals. I' don't understand the mentality behind it.

I've told my mm this and I told him that my faith is important to me and I am compromising it to be with him.

 

Could his marriage be saved I think this is a long time coming and he felt now is a better time. He was doing this before I was really in the picture and he hasn't been happy in a long time in a love less sex less marriage. He stayed because it was comfortable and bc of the kids and now he feels this is a better time, am I a reason most Def that is an undeniable fact but does that make it wrong in the eyes of God. That someone who isn't happy is doing the right thing and leaving to be happy with someone else. The chances of this like any other relationship is 50/50. For one thing he is Jewish and I am good ol fire and brimstone s.baptist .... maybe that's why things weigh on me more and my emotions are getting the best of me. But God wants us to be happy. He said out of hope faith and love the greatest of these is love and there is real love there and within a situation that is getting rectified ie:divorced. How can something so wrong be right and not to say everything has been perfect with us but it's been good for us.

 

He is taking a very simple view of Corinthians as most do and he is using it in a self-serving manner. Love is action not emotion. So now I do understand some of the dilemma. Being of different faiths does lend itself to different beliefs on divorce etc. But again, by going with your emotions, you have compromised your faiths and your beliefs...hence the guilt. You have allowed this man to coerce you and compromise something that at least in words held some importance to you. Here would be the test. You, standing by what you have known to be the truth tell him that to more forward things as you know them now must cease. He needs to get his house in order and come to you a divorced and healed man. No sex, no dating etc. If he values you as he pitches and executes his plans then actions will speak the truth. I still have issue with the hiding of assets. Why? Because I was on the receiving end of that shell game and the result was a total of 15 years of my life (almost 10 married) putting my goals and dreams aside near term to support ex's passions. It made sense on many levels. It would take too long to write all the back story but everything I was working towards and promised was taken away and unfortunately age dictated starting towards some of those things from scratch just couldn't happen. And I am talking millions, not 20k in a banking account. Hiding assets is cowardly and self-serving on the surface and I'd say in most cases all the way to the core.

 

I wonder if you spoke to his wife what kind of picture would be painted?

[Quiet Storm]

Well, if there is a God, why would your happiness be more important than his wife or his kids? Why would God endorse your love with MM if its existence breaks up a family? Ask your pastor those questions. If MM was comfortable in his marriage, even if not sexual or romantic anymore, maybe that environment is better for the kids than divorce.

 

Vows say, for better for worse. The whole point of that vow is to keep people together- without other options- until the good times come again. You are telling yourself "God wants me to be happy", while having these nagging doubts and telling yourself this is OK. Those doubts are your conscience & your logic- which as a Christian you believe God instilled in you. If you picture yourself with a devil on one shoulder and God on the other, you think God would be the one telling you to be with a guy who still lives with his wife?

 

I agree, talk to a pastor and see what they say. You have a conflict between your emotions and your faith, and you need to reconcile that or you wont be at peace.

[Scarlet2]

Ap05, this page (Women and Sexual Sins) answered some of my questions I have had in regards to the bible and adultery. It also gives chapter and verse to back it up. You'll find the answer to the one about "is it adultery if a married man has sex with a an unmarried woman." Like I mentioned before, the bible is interpreted in many different ways. I still believe it's only adultery if the woman is married, due to the fact that women are "property" and it's saying it's wrong for a man to take another mans woman because she belongs to her husband. Single women do not belong to anyone, she can't take another woman's husband, he goes willingly, men are in control in the bible.

 

I'm sorry your friends aren't more supportive of your love. I'm from the South too but my friends understand mine because they truly want me to be happy. Right or wrong, what does it matter if there is love. Someone is going to get hurt no matter what happens, it's life, why does it have to be the OW? People are always quick to say find a single man but what if he's a widower, what happens in heaven when you both die and his first wife is there, now he has two women? What difference does it make if she's still alive or dead.

 

Just keep loving your man. The way to make it right in God's eyes is for him to divorce her and marry you and you are sinning no more, just like the bible says about divorce and premarital sex, that is, if you believe you're committing sin. Do what you have to do to be happy... His W or soon to be exW will do the same...

[Ap05]

I still have issue with the hiding of assets. Why? Because I was on the receiving end of that shell game and the result was a total of 15 years of my life (almost 10 married) putting my goals and dreams aside near term to support ex's passions. It made sense on many levels. It would take too long to write all the back story but everything I was working towards and promised was taken away and unfortunately age dictated starting towards some of those things from scratch just couldn't happen. And I am talking millions, not 20k in a banking account. Hiding assets is cowardly and self-serving on the surface and I'd say in most cases all the way to the core.

 

I wonder if you spoke to his wife what kind of picture would be painted?

 

Oh wow that's crazy, idk I always thought that people hide the assets idk, he still has to pay alimony and child support which will probably be 15k a month or a little more.

[Ap05]

Ap05, this page (Women and Sexual Sins) answered some of my questions I have had in regards to the bible and adultery. It also gives chapter and verse to back it up. You'll find the answer to the one about "is it adultery if a married man has sex with a an unmarried woman." Like I mentioned before, the bible is interpreted in many different ways. I still believe it's only adultery if the woman is married, due to the fact that women are "property" and it's saying it's wrong for a man to take another mans woman because she belongs to her husband. Single women do not belong to anyone, she can't take another woman's husband, he goes willingly, men are in control in the bible.

 

I'm sorry your friends aren't more supportive of your love. I'm from the South too but my friends understand mine because they truly want me to be happy. Right or wrong, what does it matter if there is love. Someone is going to get hurt no matter what happens, it's life, why does it have to be the OW? People are always quick to say find a single man but what if he's a widower, what happens in heaven when you both die and his first wife is there, now he has two women? What difference does it make if she's still alive or dead.

 

Just keep loving your man. The way to make it right in God's eyes is for him to divorce her and marry you and you are sinning no more, just like the bible says about divorce and premarital sex, that is, if you believe you're committing sin. Do what you have to do to be happy... His W or soon to be exW will do the same...

 

Wow thank you so much and thank you for the support its really nice too.

[Scorpio Chick]

I worked in a family law office for just about 5 years. We had couples where one of the parties was served already, but not too long after they decided to stay together. I think in some cases, the reality that they are truly about to end it hits them and they rethink it, and some decide to make it work. It wasn't common though. We had one client who was an inch away from he and his wife's divorce being finalized. He was our client for 2 years. Our state is a community property state. We were all blown away one morning when he called saying that they were reconciling. He had spent thousands and thousands of dollars by then. And they did, they reconciled. No one saw it coming, they were a typical, angry divorcing couple while going through the process with each other.

 

Until the judge signs off on all of it, or they do, whatever, until it's finalized, your boyfriend IS MARRIED.

 

I get that he's on his way out, but again, it's not final yet. For all you know, his wife might be praying to God that they reconcile, and He might answer her prayer with a yes.

 

I don't have any opinion on if you or he is going to Hell. It's not for me to say, it's for God. And no other human, especially the ones who've said things to you, are qualified to say a word to you, unless they've told you every thing they've ever done in their life. Anyone can judge you if they want, but then they better remember to be perfect the rest of their lives.

Edited July 3, 2014 by Scorpio Chick

[Hope Shimmers]

Oh wow that's crazy, idk I always thought that people hide the assets idk, he still has to pay alimony and child support which will probably be 15k a month or a little more.

 

People who hide assets are breaking the law - not to mention that it is morally just a lousy thing to do. Any money made/assets attained during the marriage are marital assets, doesn't matter who literally earned them. The presumption is that she is doing her part in the marriage by making a home/raising the kids (which she is!)

 

And yes, she deserves HALF the marital assets plus alimony and child support. It's the law. Otherwise he wouldn't be hiding it.

 

As for whether you are sinning, I think you already know the answer to that one in terms of Southern Baptist.

 

I was with a MM -started when he was separated (living apart) and his wife was served, but in the end he never divorced. Be careful.

 

I hope it all works out for you.

[Ap05]

Ap05, this page (Women and Sexual Sins) answered some of my questions I have had in regards to the bible and adultery.

 

this is a very interesting and insightful site. Thank you for sharing it with me in haven't read all of it but skimmed and going to re read it again tom but it has answered questions and raised new ones but it is very very by the bible and doesn't take things out of context and I find that most helpful. So thank you again!

[carhill]

My remembrance of the confessional boards were that they were pretty well worn from all the sinners who passed through.

 

Regarding 'change of heart', even though we're divorced, my exW and I could discover one day we made a mistake, throw over whomever we were involved with at the time and get back together. That won't happen to us but I have experienced it happening with others. Nothing in life is guaranteed except that grim reaper coming for our mortality and the hope that all that time on the confessional boards actually meant something.

 

Good luck!

[IfWishesWereHorses]

Oh wow that's crazy, idk I always thought that people hide the assets idk, he still has to pay alimony and child support which will probably be 15k a month or a little more.

 

I don't understand your thinking? Your OP is asking about whether cheating with a MM will result in eternal damnation, yet here you say, "Gee, I thought everyone cheated and lied to further their cause."

 

Does your southern baptist upbringing say if everyone does it, it must be OK? I get that your upbringing and your desires aren't meshing and that's causing your discomfort but here you're saying, if it feels good do it? I have friends and family who are southern baptist and its very black and white.

 

Perhaps if you pray about it, and listen to that little voice we call a conscious that you'll come to find some peace. Stealing and lying are wrong in the eyes of those who aren't "God fearing", much less those who claim to believe what the bible teaches. The commandments or decalogue are pretty clear and are consistent to both of your upbringings. Not much gray area at all. Thou shalt not... (Unless you want to, it feels right, you aren't happy, everyone's doing it)

 

I can see how you're experiencing some cognitive dissonance there.

Edited July 3, 2014 by IfWishesWereHorses

[Ruffian1]

Quote: "this is a very interesting and insightful site. Thank you for sharing it with me in haven't read all of it but skimmed and going to re read it again tom but it has answered questions and raised new ones but it is very very by the bible and doesn't take things out of context and I find that most helpful. So thank you again

 

You are kidding, right?? Seriously, Apo5, just because it is on the internet makes it true? Heck, you can find many so-called Christian sites that quote scripture to justify anything, ANYTHING, from racism, polygamy, murder, letting a child die because they should not get medical care or receive blood, why it is ok to have more than one wife, etc.etc.

 

I find it highly amusing that the Webmaster of the site has this add posted

 

 

Are You an Unmarried Woman

 

Are you a godly woman seeking a godly man to share your life with?

Richard Anthony, the webmaster of this website, is unmarried also.

If you're interested, you can see his Personal Profile

Talk about a conflict of interests. Looks likes he saying it is ok for a man to have sex with an UNmarried woman. He has quite the set up here.

 

You know what you and MM are doing is wrong

 

You would not be on here asking

.

]Deep down, you know it is considered adultery, but want it somehow not to be.

This is your life and your choices

You have to live with them.

[Ap05]

Quote: "

 

You are kidding, right?? Seriously, Apo5, just because it is on the internet makes it true? Heck, you can find many so-called Christian sites that quote scripture to justify anything, ANYTHING, from racism, polygamy, murder, letting a child die because they should not get medical care or receive blood, why it is ok to have more than one wife, etc.etc.

 

I find it highly amusing that the Webmaster of the site has this add posted

 

 

Are You an Unmarried Woman

 

Are you a godly woman seeking a godly man to share your life with?

Richard Anthony, the webmaster of this website, is unmarried also.

If you're interested, you can see his Personal Profile

Talk about a conflict of interests. Looks likes he saying it is ok for a man to have sex with an UNmarried woman. He has quite the set up here.

 

You know what you and MM are doing is wrong

 

You would not be on here asking

.

]Deep down, you know it is considered adultery, but want it somehow not to be.

This is your life and your choices

You have to live with them.

 

Just because I think something is interesting and insightful doesn't mean that I believe every word.

It's merely pointing out certain things an if I agree with it or not is my own opinion do i agree with all the things associated on that link no but I do find it interesting and something to take in. I know what I am doing on my own

[KaliLove]

Oh wow that's crazy, idk I always thought that people hide the assets idk, he still has to pay alimony and child support which will probably be 15k a month or a little more.

 

He's not just hiding his assets from his wife, he's hiding them from his children too. What kind of father would do that to his kids?

 

If he's wealthy enough to have assets to hide and pay $15k in child support a month, why is he still living with his wife? If she's really been served those divorce papers..why doesn't he legally separate from her and get an apartment, and start getting his kids acclimated to living apart from him? Obviously it's not for his children, because if that were the case, he wouldn't be leaving in the first place..I mean..is he going to continue living with them if they get divorced? What would that mean for your relationship with him?

 

This all sounds pretty shady.

[Scarlet2]

There are other websites that explain the same thing. I do not see the personal profile of the webmaster that another poster posted.

 

Go to church with those verses and see what they tell you. Go to multiple churches, they'll all say something different based on their own view.

 

Only God can condemn and pass judgment. It's nice people are warning you against sin but how can a sin that leads to love be wrong?

[Hope Shimmers]

It's nice people are warning you against sin but how can a sin that leads to love be wrong?

 

I don't think anyone is 'warning her against sin' - rather, that was the question in the original post so people are responding to it.

 

How can a sin that leads to love be wrong? If it leads to disruption of an already valid and established relationship with someone else. Aside from interpretations, the Bible is very clear on that. Love isn't wonderful if it causes others pain.