Should I inform his wife of the truth ?

[hurtandconfused09]

I have been visiting this site throughout my affair and have never had the courage to post. I cannot disclose full details of my 2.5 year affair for obvious reasons. Quick rundown may be needed and these are the details I can disclose. I myself is married with 2 little ones under 5 my ex affair partner is also married and has 3 teenagers. There is a 21 year age gap between us myself being 27. My affair was an an exit affair and myself and husband are now splitting. Quick story married mans wife found out we had been texting and meeting at the gym she believes it was only texting and also looked at his cellphone bill and seen there was hundreds if not thousands of texts within a one year period. Our affair is now over he has asked not to contact him again as he is wanting to "fix" his marriage.

 

My questions are as follows:

 

Can they repair a marriage If she doesn't know the full truth of things? It was extremely sexual and not just texting as he told her.

I know I am hurt and confused and want payback by wanting to tell her but another part of me is also fed up with the lies and just want the truth out there.

I am scared to own up to it (1) my husband also believes it was texting and gym chat (2) I will be known as a home wrecker in our small community (3) I have my children to think about which if I'm honest being in an affair was an escape for me.

Should I just bottle everything up and move on ? I have brought this on myself and I am feeling so lonely and in a deep depression this is my own fault.

 

Am I just going through the emotions of wanting revenge for the wrong reasons or am I truly sick of being me and just want to tell the truth.

 

There is so much more I would like to share but I cannot without fear of being recognised.

[whatatangledweb]

No BS ever knows the full truth . Yes,his marriage can be repaired if they both work on it. She knows he had an affair , she may not need to know everything. It seems you will receive more harm than him by telling his wife. Why would you want to do that to yourself? Are you hoping to get him back ?

[spookysonata]

Also consider the possibility that he HAS told her everything. He is NC with you so you are not privy to what goes on in their marriage.

Whether she knows what happened or not, though... is not your concern. Let them deal with their issues. You have your own.

[Ap05]

Don't tell her because it's not your place. That is btwn him ans her and she knows about the A then that's something she and him will have to work out.

If it comes from you it will look malicious and bring even more hurt no matter how nice you put it.

Get into therapy, see someone a prof and talk it out. Let then help you process the feelings bc of the nc you yourself will not get closure and the always wanting to know and mind racing will continue.

Go to church or pray seek therapy to help you.

He has his own battles just like u do your own

[whichwayisup]

If you want to tell her the truth of what really went on then first own it to your husband even though you two are splitting up. How fair is it for you to drop a bomb into their marriage after he ended the A with you (seems like sour grapes on your end, that his marriage has a chance to be fixed and yours doesn't) and you not tell your own husband about the details of the affair.

Our affair is now over he has asked not to contact him again as he is wanting to "fix" his marriage.

 

Or, you could just respect that he wants to move on, not be in any contact with him and move on with your life.

 

It's that simple. If you now tell his wife, you'll add more drama to your own life. You'll have to maybe deal with her, answer her questions, apologize for your part in hurting her as well.

 

Be sure of what it is you're hoping to happen? Maybe if you tell her the truth, she'll kick him, divorce him, you're hoping he'll come to you?

 

I say let it go and allow them to fix their marriage. If she is willing to give him a second chance and he's willing to work hard to regain her trust again, why mess with that? Why interfere in their marriage?

[hurtandconfused09]

I can't seem to get over all of this I'm depressed and maybe yes it is revenge, he has decided to stay in his marriage while my marriage and my life is in pieces. It could just be a mourning phase that I am feeling at the moment I did this to myself, I was struggling with PND after second child and this is when the married man walked into my life and swept me of my feet, now it is like a black cloud of horrors has descended onto me.

 

I do not want this man i just want to break free from it. If I tell it will not only be my husband that is broken but also his family as well. He has not told her about the sexual side of our relationship and his wife would surely tell my husband as she told him about our texting.

 

I think you are right and I will have to ride the waves for the moment and keep quiet.

Edited July 2, 2014 by hurtandconfused09

[Owl]

I can't seem to get over all of this I'm depressed and maybe yes it is revenge, he has decided to stay in his marriage while my marriage and my life is in pieces. It could just be a mourning phase that I am feeling at the moment I did this to myself, I was struggling with PND after second child and this is when the married man walked into my life and swept me of my feet, now it is like a black cloud of horrors has descended onto me.

 

I do not want this man i just want to break free from it. If I tell it will not only be my husband that is broken but also his family as well. He has not told her about the sexual side of our relationship and his wife would surely tell my husband as she told him about our texting.

 

I think you are right and I will have to ride the waves for the moment and keep quiet.

 

I disagree.

 

Both spouses are owed the truth. You OWE your husband the truth. OM owes his wife the truth.

 

Whether or not he tells her...out of your hands.

 

But...telling your husband is totally in your scope of control and it's the right thing to do.

 

But hey...if you want force him to live a marriage based on a lie that you've been faithful...if you think that's fair to him...drive on. Realize that he won't thank you for lying to him about this. You won't be some selfless martyr for holding it back...this is solely and completely for you to avoid accepting responsibility for your actions...and it's the exact and precise same thing that OM is doing to his wife as well. One more thing in common?

[whichwayisup]

I can't seem to get over all of this I'm depressed and maybe yes it is revenge, he has decided to stay in his marriage while my marriage and my life is in pieces. It could just be a mourning phase that I am feeling at the moment I did this to myself, I was struggling with PND after second child and this is when the married man walked into my life and swept me of my feet, now it is like a black cloud of horrors has descended onto me.

Hurt, please go to do some counseling, it'll help you grieve and be able to handle this in healthy way.

 

I do not want this man i just want to break free from it. If I tell it will not only be my husband that is broken but also his family as well. He has not told her about the sexual side of our relationship and his wife would surely tell my husband as she told him about our texting.

 

Exactly, so if you're not ready to own your part in this and admit the truth, you can't force the truth on his wife. HE should be the one to tell her, just like you should be the one to tell your H.

I think you are right and I will have to ride the waves for the moment and keep quiet.

 

Post here and reach out, vent what you feel, and even write exMM letters/emails but do not send them. It's therapeutic!

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

Because it seems as if you want to tell out revenge, I see no reason for it. If you have an STD and are sincerely concerned about her getting it (I seriously doubt that) then you should say something. Revenge can fly back in your face. You already listed several reasons as how it could, so think logically as to the reasons you want to do this? Being hurt and wanting them to feel hurt too? The unfairness of it all? Guess what. You will tell the wife and she will be hurt and he will be angry...and...all of the other things you listed could happen too. But at least you have your revenge by telling...

 

My advice is to get counseling and figure out how to move on from all of this and stay of his marriage. He no longer wants contact. He ended it. It is over.

[Charlie Harper]

I am in the process of writing a long post about Affairs and what to expect and learn…hope I finish it by friday, but in the mean time this:

 

I'm depressed and maybe yes it is revenge, he has decided to stay in his marriage while my marriage and my life is in pieces. It could just be a mourning phase that I am feeling at the moment I did this to myself

 

This is the result of getting into an A, you have to own up your responsibility and see your pain, hurt feelings and works towards exiting the whole you dug yourself into.

 

I would advice of not telling now since you are still hurt and confused and ANGRY, working things from anger is NEVER GOOD.

Stay in N:C: for at least 6 months and see where you are then, if possible go to Counseling, HEAL, then Do….

 

Hope you recover and learn…. I did.

[OWAmy]

I think you are just going through your emotions. I say this as I am newly 'no contact' and I felt like this last week. There was something about me that wanted to make him acknowledge my existence and to see him suffer like I had. The prospect of him getting away scot free without having to dwell really peed me off. There was no DD for me and him. This week I think I've moved on and I'm at the acceptance phase. Good.

 

There is something liberating about being honest. If you want to let go of any burden of guilt then tell your husband the whole truth. It is MM business to unburden himself on his wife.

 

Just like stereotypical dynamics of affairs. What you're experiencing is stereotypical end of affair thoughts. It's just a phase, it will pass xx

[GoBlue]

I don't have an answer for you but I do understand how difficult it can be to wade through our own motives. My basic rule is that if I suspect that what I want to do is coming from a bad place, even if it is mingled with "good intentions", than I don't do it. You landed in the place where almost every affair is headed. You were a willing participant and nobody forced you to do what you did. I honestly don't know what is right in these cases, but somehow these things usually work themselves out.

 

The only way that I have found to ease the burden of guilt in my own heart is to confess my failures to God, and to someone I trust who also knows Him. I have also found that confession to the wrong people is nothing more than diarrhea of the mouth. Proceed with caution and seek your own healing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Goodbye]

On this forum, people will demand you expose the truth and then will chastise you for it.

 

 

Figure out WHY you really want to tell the truth. Is it because you are hoping to end their marriage so he'll be with you? Is it revenge? Closure? Or...do you really hope this will give her the information she "needs" if true reconciliation is the goal?

 

 

 

 

I told the BS in my case. I had an exMM who wouldn't keep NC...kept picking off the scab. The BS had not known the extent of the affair, and was somewhat appreciative of this information. Ultimately, he continued his campaign of gaslighting her and I'm fairly sure they are reconciling and she has no idea that he STILL will find avenues to contact me about his obsessive "love".

 

 

And yes...if you tell his wife, you should certainly tell your own husband...even if you are separated.

 

 

If YOU can move on without disclosing, I say that is the best. If you need to really close the door on things...then perhaps give her the facts but nothing more.

 

And, you should tell your own H if you feel strongly about disclosure.

Edited July 4, 2014 by Goodbye

[Red123]

I have been visiting this site throughout my affair and have never had the courage to post. I cannot disclose full details of my 2.5 year affair for obvious reasons. Quick rundown may be needed and these are the details I can disclose. I myself is married with 2 little ones under 5 my ex affair partner is also married and has 3 teenagers. There is a 21 year age gap between us myself being 27. My affair was an an exit affair and myself and husband are now splitting. Quick story married mans wife found out we had been texting and meeting at the gym she believes it was only texting and also looked at his cellphone bill and seen there was hundreds if not thousands of texts within a one year period. Our affair is now over he has asked not to contact him again as he is wanting to "fix" his marriage.

 

My questions are as follows:

 

Can they repair a marriage If she doesn't know the full truth of things? It was extremely sexual and not just texting as he told her.

I know I am hurt and confused and want payback by wanting to tell her but another part of me is also fed up with the lies and just want the truth out there.

I am scared to own up to it (1) my husband also believes it was texting and gym chat (2) I will be known as a home wrecker in our small community (3) I have my children to think about which if I'm honest being in an affair was an escape for me.

Should I just bottle everything up and move on ? I have brought this on myself and I am feeling so lonely and in a deep depression this is my own fault.

 

Am I just going through the emotions of wanting revenge for the wrong reasons or am I truly sick of being me and just want to tell the truth.

 

There is so much more I would like to share but I cannot without fear of being recognised.

 

I hope you don't mind me weighing in on this as I am on the other side of the equation. My H had an A and I have struggled in the past as to tell the MOWs H or not. I have received a lot of good advice on here and I have still gone my own way with this. I thought about telling her H mainly for my own reasons, at the end of the day I felt bad for him but it was really about me. My life has been turned upside down and I am hurting, so I kept thinking, does she get to just go on with her life with no effects. I recognized these type of thoughts in your post, when you stated that your life and M are falling apart and he gets to go on with R. I am in R with my H and it is hard. When it gets really hard I think I should contact her H but I know it's for the wrong reasons. So for me I have chosen to not. My H has told her that if she attempts contact again he will. I think the motivation behind telling is the most important piece to look at. He should be telling her the truth if they are in R, because without it she is not making an informed choice about working on their M. I don't think you should be the one to do it though. He has to work out his own M and you yours. If the MOW came to me with info, which she never has, I wouldn't be so quick to believe her as she wants my H to leave and be with her. Truthfully I would investigate but not believe outright, again because of the motivation behind her telling me. You may decide to tell and come out looking and feeling much worse. I wish you good luck in your decision and I hope you don't make it lightly. Affairs are horrible and there is no one involved in them that doesn't get hurt.

[Noproblem]

don't let emotion control you.

We already know your emotions made you do tragic mistakes..

 

This thing can stuck up with you forever....

 

It's bad enough that you know it, but think about the disgrace in a small community ..

 

Nobody will talk about him, all fingers will be pointing at you..

 

You are young, you have kids..

 

You have a full life awaiting for you

 

start again and start right..

 

He will fix his marriage and you must fix your life..

 

As far as you are concerned, he does not exist anymore..

 

Have you ever thought if your husband really knew, he could take away the kids or use it againist you

 

such things can ruin your career and reputation..

 

Act smarter than giving the control to your emotions....

 

Think with you brain... and sort things out with yourself....

 

It's over...

Edited July 5, 2014 by Noproblem

[Trimmer]

...telling your husband is totally in your scope of control and it's the right thing to do.

 

But hey...if you want force him to live a marriage based on a lie that you've been faithful...if you think that's fair to him...drive on.

Owl, did you see in her original post that she and her husband are splitting up?

My affair was an an exit affair and myself and husband are now splitting.

I'm usually one who leans on the side of disclosure, and I would agree with Owl if you were trying to rebuild your marriage. But assuming that the decision to split is conclusive and irretrievable, and given the nature of your small community, I think you should keep this to yourself and take the bullet for your kids. If your divorce is a foregone conclusion, I don't see anything to be gained by disclosure.

 

And certainly there's nothing to be gained by contacting the OM's wife with this info. If you're going to heal and make things work for this new formulation of your family in the small community, then you need to cut off contact with that other family, clean up your own act, and move forward with your own life.