buchanan.girl Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 This will sound incredibly selfish, but I still really want to be friends with OM. We had been friends for about a year before the affair began. Both of us are involved in longtime partner (5+) with no kids. What we had was electrifying and I loved talking and spending time with OM in that short 3 months. We had to put a brake on this affair, though, because my partner and I decided to move to another country. OM and I still maintain daily contact however, and mostly we just talked about our days just like friends. Sometimes we flirt and we confess how much we still miss each other, but we have both decided that we wouldn't be leaving our partners and that the only thing we could be is just this. This affair-not-quite-an-affair-thing. And then my partner found out about this constant chatting and he antagonized OM. My partner had been even longer friends with OM beforehand, and they shared the same friend circle. I honestly thought that OM would fight more to keep in contact with me, though, but he didn't. He just dropped everything, and he said to me that he became paranoid to contact me. I was devastated. When I was the one initiating contact, however, he would still reply, although not as enthustiastic as before. I know what I want. I want to stay friends with OM. I want to keep talking to him, long distance. I want to keep my relationship with my partner. I know that what I want is selfish, but right now I feel rejected and unloved because OM didn't make an effort to stay friends with me. At least, not as much as I did him. Do you guys have any idea what I should do? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 2, 2014 Share Posted July 2, 2014 You and OM are not friends anymore. You two crossed the lines so that 'innocence and platonic' friendship ended the minute you two chose to have an affair. It is selfish of you want both. Keep your relationship and be friends with the exOM. It's impossible to do for so many reasons. 1 - It's not fair to your partner. If HE cheated on you, would you allow him and be happy/okay with him still being friends with the person he cheated on you with? My guess is no. So apply that logic to yourself and see that having any sort of contact or friendship with exOM is self serving and damaging. exOM knows this and he's moved on, doesn't want to be involved anymore with you. He isn't making any effort so you need to stop and focus on letting go of him and fixing your own relationship with your partner. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 Agree with WWIU. It is selfish because you would be hurting your partner as well as OM's partner. OM has moved on. How did you want him to fight for your friendship, after his friend/your partner found out and needed it to stop? Maybe that was the wake-up call that OM needed to realize that he was being disrespectful of all involved. If I were you, I would look at this move as a good thing, as it gives you an opportunity to put a great deal of distance between you and OM and allows you to put your attention where it should be - your relationship. You can't have it both ways. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sisa Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 you are like my exMM. He also told that he want we still be friends after he told me he will not devorce. I told him I want no contact and he told me why I give up him and no fight for him anymore. I feel it's very cruel you ask someone fight for you when you know you cant give this person anything. exMM said, he want us be friend and contact under table. but I know when his wife find out, he will just throw me under the bus again. When you doing NC to the person you love very much, it's just mean your heart for this person already died, and when the exMM try to contact me again, I don't feel happy, I just feel he is selfish and I feel he don't repect me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 And then my partner found out about this constant chatting and he antagonized OM. My partner had been even longer friends with OM beforehand, and they shared the same friend circle. Okay this actually makes it worse, having an affair with your partner's friend. I missed that part earlier. Link to post Share on other sites
Author buchanan.girl Posted July 3, 2014 Author Share Posted July 3, 2014 @whichwayisup it really is bad, and i really am becoming a wretched human being for keep wanting it to happen. I know that I won't ever choose OM over my partner, but I guess I just need his attention bceause I feel the closer I am to OM, somehow my relationship with my partner is better. I got addicted, and I'm trying to hard to overcome my addiction. Link to post Share on other sites
MatchStick Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 He also told that he want we still be friends after he told me he will not devorce. I told him I want no contact and he told me why I give up him and no fight for him anymore. I feel it's very cruel you ask someone fight for you when you know you cant give this person anything. exMM said, he want us be friend and contact under table. QUOTE] I've been there.........I thought I could be friends with my xMM even after he decided to save his marriage. He thought so with me too. Guess what? Almost instantly, when you begin to think things through, it won't work. If my xMM really wanted to get his marriage together, he wouldn't have suggested we met up 'for a cup of coffee' later. This is actually a step in the wrong direction and deeper into deception. If his W were to ever know, he'd be in ever bigger trouble..and maybe it would seriously spill over into my life. Sometimes folks don't make decisions out of 'disrespect'. Situations just haven't been thought out. If all the angles are out on the table, NC is put into place, the x's should know, I mean KNOW, what their only re-entry ticket is: divorced, ink dry, widowed, squared off with the past....... Just food for thought: it may seem like they don't respect YOU, but I've learned that sometimes these types just never wrap their brain around harder issues. And that is only the beginning, usually. It is my thoughts to be very clear on your directions, and not take 'their' actions personally, like not upholding NC. You might have to get tough, like threaten to tell W (and mean it). xMM is just like a kid who doesn't understand consequences. BTW, I threatened my xMM with contact with the W if he ever broke NC. I said if he ever emailed me again, either I wouldn't respond OR I would and cc W in the response. So, that 'lets be friends' didn't work so well for him, I guess. Haven't heard from him! Take care of yourself! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 3, 2014 Share Posted July 3, 2014 @whichwayisup it really is bad, and i really am becoming a wretched human being for keep wanting it to happen. I know that I won't ever choose OM over my partner, but I guess I just need his attention bceause I feel the closer I am to OM, somehow my relationship with my partner is better. I got addicted, and I'm trying to hard to overcome my addiction. You put way too much effort into the OM and got too attached which is why you are where you are. You don't need his attention either. That's all ego and feeding the addiction to how he made you feel. But you know that. What is your plan, what are you doing to get over the exOM? Link to post Share on other sites
Author buchanan.girl Posted July 5, 2014 Author Share Posted July 5, 2014 I think, given my slightly narcissistic personality, I need OM to chase me around for me to forget him. I've tried NC, and he had already begun the chasing. But then, I feel, the more he wants me, the easier it is for me to pull away from him. Link to post Share on other sites
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