Has anybody experienced emotional/mental abuse?

[geebelle]

Would manipulating, mind games and being controlled be considered emotional and mental abuse? If so how do you get over it?

[LostConfused123]

I have and then it got physical.

You don't get over it, you get out of it. Fast!

 

Best of luck!

[todreaminblue]

for any type of abuse it correlates with how long you allow yourself to be in that situation, you have to take hold of some responsibility yourself ...which means you didnt have a total loss of control you can leave..like i stayed when i knew wihtotu a doubt it was abusive......you take that control back to your total control ..dependin on the circumstance situation and or person involved you talk it out get help and heal together with certain personal rules imposed and to be followed in regards to the abuse....like the rule..... just stop it or else i leave...... or..you get out....and you heal.....deb

[geebelle]

I have and then it got physical.

You don't get over it, you get out of it. Fast!

 

Best of luck!

 

I'm out of it now. He actually has grabbed me, pulled my hair , pushed me and punched me in like my legs and back once so I would considered it physical as well. (I never told anyone about that) thank god I'm out of that.

[Hoosfoos]

Yes. I seem to attract that sh it. I don't know why.

[BlueIris]

Would manipulating, mind games and being controlled be considered emotional and mental abuse? If so how do you get over it?

 

Yes, my second husband was abusive. We were married very briefly. He was also diagnosed bipolar I with psychotic elements a few years after I went no contact.

 

Yes, manipulating, mind games and being controlled are abusive. Look up “gaslighting.”

 

How do you get over it? No contact, time, and awareness. Also, read. My favorite books were “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft, “Controlling People” by Patricia Evans, “The Gift of Fear” by Gavin DeBecker, and “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. I gave both of my children (they're in their 20's) copies of “The Gift of Fear” since it’s wise advice for anyone. After reading it, my younger daughter started to recognize the techniques and ploys when she went to bars and parties at college. Now she takes a big step back when she sees it. Maybe the best part of reading these books, though, is knowing that you’re not alone and that many many people have been through what you’ve been through, or something very similar- and having some tools to use for the rest of your life to keep the nightmare people away.

[Serifina]

sorry you are experiencing this. I would get out fast before it gets physical. It usually starts as controlling and manipulating, or emotional, and gets worse from there.

 

 

unfortunately some of us get this from a parent. So we can't just walk away. At least now I am 37 years old and can keep my distance if I need to. And only have to see that parent 2 or 3 times a year.

[scobro]

women abuse and play mind games as well...Was in a 5 year toxic relationship.

My ex wronged me in the worst way by cheating 3 years ago and I took her back.Plus caught her profile on Plenty of Fish when we were together. I actually made a profile and put a pic of her dog and sent it to her catching her saying "dump your boyfriend before you try and date"...lol sad.... thing is it is the second time I caught her profile on POF.Her excuse the first time was "I knew you would find it"....lol ya right.

 

She 8 months ago rented a room out in her home to her ex boyfriend who is now gay(apparently) I know the guy and agreed but what she failed to mention is I am now not allowed at her house so how messed is that?So for the last 8 months haven't been to her house other than once she was showing me how great the inside is since it had been painted how messed is that?

 

She was over at my place a while back and forgot her phone I looked at it of course POF chats with guys...lol...texts.I always found it strange she would take her phone to the bathroom with her. So in March I just said this is insane cannot handle this, its so not right.We would fight and argue after this and She would email and tell me she has someone new, she emailed me a photo of her ex in her bed all when she is mad.Calls me and I can here the guys voice in the background....The first time she cheated she actually put the new guy on the phone I was devastated.....cold n evil.

 

Found out last week she slept with her ex's friend who is 18 years younger and now she has a new guy apparently but it could all be mind games......the kicker is the woman is 50 years old???, very hot,big DD,has cash, has the Beverly Hills housewives look.... but plays the mind games big time.Told me she has someone then will say she doesn't... treated me like that I think because I have been unemployed the last year.So she would go out weekends and like a moron I trusted her.....ugghhh.

 

When we first hooked up accused me of cheating(once while having sex) she was checking my phone, following me, checking emails, had no trust at all then she end up cheating on me our 3rd year and her excuse was I don't think I can ever trust you...(logic??).I go to her house un announced one morning and their is some BMW in her driveway she opens the door in a robe and I see the guys shoes.She actually came up with the excuse someone is using her driveway to park their car....lol

 

Woman never drank now shes drunk partying up with these guys at Casinos all over the place.....was actually suppose to see her 2 weeks ago but she was late so I left she phoned and we got in an intense argument so breaking no contact was very stupid on my part.

 

So many other mind games I could write for hours but its not just the men who are abusive women are too!!!

[scobro]

oh forgot to mention as well she thought I was cheating on her and tried to hit me with her car in a parking lot, an Audi of course, and has been physical with me ripping my shirt and chain off my back.

 

Has called the Police on me because we were arguing and I stupidly shoved her aside because she was taunting me saying "you want to hit me, you want to hit me" so I shoved her aside to leave.She called the cops like an axe murderer was in the house.Got arrested and of course we always got back.It was so insane for a year I wasn't allowed near her or I would go to jail and we had a Cruise planned.So I had to make sure cops were not watching her house for me because she overacts but the consequences remain.We go to court a year later and they put her on the stand and she lied saying she fell and saved me and the judge threw it out knew we were together and she was lying.All that for drama of one night.

 

Has called the Police to kick me out of her house when we have an argument and she wants me to leave(this is when we lived together)

 

So much drama with this woman in 5 years glad its over but Im stupid for putting up with it but those are issues I have to look at like low self esteem

[TAV]

You get out, take yourself serious & admit that it happened and work on your self-esteem issues so you never let anyone treat you that way ever again.

 

Good luck.

[GemmaUK]

Would manipulating, mind games and being controlled be considered emotional and mental abuse? If so how do you get over it?

 

Yes!

You learn what it is and how to recognise it.

Above all though....never ignore your instinct.

 

 

Blue Iris

Thanks for your book recommendations there.

I bought The Gift of Fear' today for my Kindle.

 

I also found this on Youtube by the author....I finished half of his sentences in the first few moments....I have only watched the first few minutes so far but.....

 

 

Instincts should be heard.

Never ignored.

No matter how stupid they seem.

 

My instincts about the last guy I dated were there...but I fought his 'oddness'..I thought he was bizarre/joking.

 

He wasn't.

I ran and hid the first time he was poised to hit me.

I dumped him by text a few days later.

[darkmoon]

don't play the game, be assertive, tell them to eff off, be abusive back, i have had good results in that the abuser could see clearly that i was not the type to play his game

 

not that abusers take being thwarted well, they shout, they blame, they get uppity, you can even need the authorities to get rid of them, as they confront you even though you wanted to just say goodbye to them and go

 

all happened to me x 2

 

ps i used to be the underling/the abused for months before breaking away, no more now, not one minute, break away quickly xx

 

get over it by meeting chilled people, better company, no wallowing please ever no trying to get over it, let it go make future plans for the next chapter in your life

Edited July 11, 2014 by darkmoon

[writergal]

Examples of emotional abuse:

 

• Threats of violence or abandonment
  
• Intentionally frightening
  
• Making an individual fear that they will not receive the food or care they need
  
• Lying
  
• Failing to check allegations of abuse against them
  
• Making derogative or slanderous statements about an individual to others
  
• Socially isolating an individual, failing to let them have visitors
  
• Withholding important information
  
• Demeaning an individual because of the language they speak
  
• Intentionally misinterpreting traditional practices
  
• Repeatedly raising the issue of death
  
• Telling an individual that they are too much trouble
  
• Ignoring or excessively criticizing
  
• Being over-familiar and disrespectful
  
• Unreasonably ordering an individual around; treating an individual like a servant or child
  

[writergal]

There are 6 types of emotional abuse as well:

 

1. exploiting

2. corrupting

3. isolating

4. terrorizing

5. ignoring

6. rejecting

 

I've been involved with my share of emotional abusers and am attending meetings for a support group right now, b/c I'm tired of attracting these types of men into my life. I hope to break the pattern now and attract more healthy men into my life who don't lie or try to gaslight or manipulate me. And if they do, I can shut them down without being afraid or intimidated.

[GemmaUK]

Examples of emotional abuse:

 

• Threats of violence or abandonment
  
• Intentionally frightening
  
• Making an individual fear that they will not receive the food or care they need
  
• Lying
  
• Failing to check allegations of abuse against them
  
• Making derogative or slanderous statements about an individual to others
  
• Socially isolating an individual, failing to let them have visitors
  
• Withholding important information
  
• Demeaning an individual because of the language they speak
  
• Intentionally misinterpreting traditional practices
  
• Repeatedly raising the issue of death
  
• Telling an individual that they are too much trouble
  
• Ignoring or excessively criticizing
  
• Being over-familiar and disrespectful
  
• Unreasonably ordering an individual around; treating an individual like a servant or child
  

 

As well as that person having another issue every few days.

One to pick on you for.

Something petty/ridiculous.

 

If you go along with it and change they will find a new thing to be aoyed about.

If you tell them they are being daft then they will find more things and keep going back over all their petty issues.

It'll wear you down.

 

Their intention is to wear you down so you just give in.

 

Don't!!!!!

[sugarlove]

Yes. Been married to one and boy, are these abusers charismatic.. they play their roles well that it's hard for others to trust your words.

 

Mine got to the point I landed myself in the hospital, trying to escape the family home. I'm an academic, so it took someone with a lot of emotional power over me to make me feel that I am worth less than the dirt he stepped on.

 

They literally make you doubt every single decision you made about your life and if it happened when you are young (i was 23), it basically change who you are inside.

 

My latest ex is the complete opposite of my abuser. I mean completely different. ANd I thought he'll be different. But he turned out to the other spectrum of abuse. It's hard to judge what type of guy will or will not become an abuser, but the first step is to get out while you still have your mentality to ask this question.

[geebelle]

Ignoring and throwing his guilt on me was his favorite techniques he knew it made my emotions run wild so I guess that's why he kept doing it. His "ignoring" was a form of punishment. He left now. I' currently 2 weeks NC and being no contact has educated me on so much. I now know and understand what I was being put through. And if we would've continued I'm sure it would've be far far worse as time went by. I guess him leaving me and me going NC was gods way of telling me I need to run fast away from this cruel individual. He also had/has no remorse for anything he has ever done to me. I'm 100% sure he's ran off to do the same to his new victims. Good luck to them.

[SammySammy]

Yes, I have.

 

My ex was very verbally and mentally abusive. She would say the most hateful, mean and cruel things to me. The way she looked at me, the expression on her face, was probably worse than the actual words she said.

 

How do I get over it? I don't know. We broke up over seven years ago and certain things still irk me.

 

What bothers me most is why did I let myself be treated like that? Why did I tolerate it for the amount of time I did? If anything, I'm angry with myself for allowing that to happen. I understand that she's a broken person.

 

I know the things she said to me and about me aren't true. I've dealt with that portion of the abuse. What's important to me now is ensuring I recognize that type of behavior in the future and not let it happen to me again.

[sugarlove]

One of the things I do see is that victims will tend to behave like abusers in their next relationship. My recent ex left an abusive relationship and started falling for me. I was in an abusive marriage myself.

 

I tend to withhold my affections to protect my feelings.. and he started the silent treatment on me. IN the end, if we can't fix what's broken inside, we are going to end up hurting someone else.

[BlueIris]

Yes!

You learn what it is and how to recognise it.

Above all though....never ignore your instinct.

 

 

Blue Iris

Thanks for your book recommendations there.

I bought The Gift of Fear' today for my Kindle.

 

I also found this on Youtube by the author....I finished half of his sentences in the first few moments....I have only watched the first few minutes so far but.....

 

 

Instincts should be heard.

Never ignored.

No matter how stupid they seem.

 

My instincts about the last guy I dated were there...but I fought his 'oddness'..I thought he was bizarre/joking.

 

He wasn't.

I ran and hid the first time he was poised to hit me.

I dumped him by text a few days later.

 

Good for you! I married mine! (there doesn't seem to be an insane smilie, or I'd use it- for myself) but the divorce and No Contact were ten years ago, so now it is a kind of black humor chapter in my life.

 

But don't you love that book? My best friend and I call books like that "Botox Books." You sit there reading, frown lines and wrinkles hard set in your brow, your mouth hanging open because it's so amazing someone understands and is analyzing it... so you need Botox afterwards to look normal. (joking)

 

The video is great. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Glad you got out Gemma.

Edited July 14, 2014 by BlueIris

[GemmaUK]

Good for you! I married mine! (there doesn't seem to be an insane smilie, or I'd use it- for myself) but the divorce and No Contact were ten years ago, so now it is a kind of black humor chapter in my life.

 

But don't you love that book? My best friend and I call books like that "Botox Books." You sit there reading, frown lines and wrinkles hard set in your brow, your mouth hanging open because it's so amazing someone understands and is analyzing it... so you need Botox afterwards to look normal. (joking)

 

The video is great. Thanks for sharing it.

 

Glad you got out Gemma.

 

Blue...I would never have guessed this about you.

 

I was (luckily for me) only with my controlling guy (I am not sure I can label him abuser because he never succeeded really - he tried his best in the time he had to control me though) for only 7 months.

 

The first 6 or so weeks were pretty much good.

Except for...I met him the first time and he told me how his ex (all of his ex's actually) were psycho's.

I had a week off work and so was good contact wise..emailing and texting.

A couple of weeks later my brother was over in the UK. I hadn't seen him for 9 years since he emigrated so I was mega excited but also warned my BF that I was having wierd times off work and would be seeing my brother, sis in law and my niece so wouldn't be as available.

He didn't understand this and said that if I was off work I should have lots more time for him.

Er...........

 

I should have spotted it back then but I didn't.

5/6 weeks later was a whole new level of possessive!

 

We have a work event in January each year. I am not that keen on going as it means major dressing up for the dinner dance (no partners) so I made an excuse to my work not to go.

I mentioned it to BF. and he went into a rage because it was a no partners event.

He told me that everyone sleeps with everyone at these things and that if I ever went he would just turn up for the evening to make sure nothing happened.

 

Basically I am/was deemed too stupid to not sleep with any man (colleague) there...*rollseyes*

 

This is only a tiny percentage of things that happened but after I finally managed to end it with him I kept having things pop up in my mind and just kept thinking his behaviour had been so bizarre.

 

I couldn't stand it any longer so did some reading..

 

The Jealousy Game by Mandy White (free on Kindle)

and 'How to Spot a Dangerous Man' by Sandra L Brown.

 

I found my (now) ex in both.

 

The Gift of Fear has made me again more aware.

I walk everywhere. I crossed the road to get away from a guy and my instinct this evening.

 

Thank you!

 

To all those who are still irked....read up on abuse.

It will help you overcome it and not be so irked.

Once you understand it..it all falls into place.

[GemmaUK]

And OMG! I get the botox thing!

 

I do Frownies instead of botox when I need it...I used quite a lot while learning about what I had been through..

[BlueIris]

And OMG! I get the botox thing!

 

I do Frownies instead of botox when I need it...I used quite a lot while learning about what I had been through..

 

HAHA!

 

Well, yes, I have done insane things! But of course! I married a man, later diagnosed with Bipolar I with psychotic features, in my frantic and pathetic attempt to compensate for my ex-husband's new marriage. Maybe not my savviest move. The time it took to get divorced was longer than the time we lived together- the cherry on top. My mother told me to get an annulment as he and I were leaving for our honeymoon. No kidding.

 

Yeah, it's just crazy when you look back. I remember reading about that guy you dated, the purse in the hotel room? Yeah. Very typical.

 

But... these Frownies of which you speak.... I just googled them, had never heard of them, and I live in the 2nd largest plastic surgery market in the US, 2nd only to LA. We might have to set up an import/export company together. Gemma, you're a gem. We could be rich on this.

 

~~~~

As to OP and the topic, just that you ask, OP, is a sign. De Becker explains how it's a sign. When we're confused and overriding facts about someone's behavior, it is time to pull way back and watch and think. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you're right! Be uncomfortable and get away. The discomfort is your core ability to protect yourself, working for you. Honor it. Bless it.

 

Being free of this is fantastic, OP. Well worth getting away and having a happy life. Male, female, young, old, rich, poor- doesn't matter. When someone's giving you that bad gut feeling, making you confused, you're questioning what's real or what's right- leave.

Edited July 16, 2014 by BlueIris

[Georgia2014]

I was in an emotional, physical, sexual and verbally abusive relationship. First you need to get out of it. Then do some things for yourself like starting a hobby, buying clothes or buying something you enjoy and don't beat yourself up over it. It took at least a year for me not to get angry every time I thought about my ex. Nearly two years later it is much better how I feel about myself. It is true that time will make it better once you leave an abusive relationship.

[KimmyBee]

One of the things I do see is that victims will tend to behave like abusers in their next relationship.

 

I think that's far from the truth. Just because it happened to you does not mean it's the norm. If anything, it makes victims more aware of what to look out for.