Follow up - Is my ex mentally unhinged ?

[Justanaverageguy]

So I posted something about a week or so back about my current situation. See the thread here if your interested.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/cheating-flirting-jealousy/482779-wife-cheated-2-months-after-marriage-1-month-after-moving-countries-together

 

So its now been a couple of months since the cheating with multiple people came out and our (public) wedding was canceled. There are still actually friends/family in the EU at the moment however who had booked holidays to come here for the wedding and are still holidaying at the moment.

 

As I said in my previous thread ... for the most part I have been fairly passive in the whole process. I literally did not want to make a scene or have some messy public spat in light of the fact we would need to go through a divorce. I never resorted to any name calling or public shaming. After the first few weeks of trying to see if we could figure something out ... I simply said I was done and ended all contact. I had only told some close friends and family the real story of what happened ... and even then it was censored version of the real events.

 

So yesterday my Ex posts a whole bunch of new pictures onto facebook with a new guy. Profile pictures for both of them kissing and holding hands and others holidaying together. Keep in mind this is approx 2 months from when we broke up after moving to Europe and 1 month after the wedding was supposed to be. She still has (or at least did) most of my family and friends on facebook as well as many mutal friends.

 

I haven't even seen the pics as I removed her from facebook a month ago when we made the clean break. I just had a couple of people calling me yesterday saying WTF is this ? I then checked and can see her profile pic of the two of them. Her facebook friend list plummeted overnight with literally 50+ people removing her as a friend. Some of them are actually her friends ... not even mine - I only knew them through her.

 

This is a completely new guy. Not one of the ones she cheated with so can only imagine she has known him for all of 3-4 weeks tops. I was a bit shocked when I saw the profile pic - but I have managed to get to a place where while it shocked me .... I honestly dont care .... I think I moved on enough to just see it now as really really weird.

 

I don't understand why she would post that all over facebook to all her friends and family as well as mine while they are already in complete shock about the cancellation of the wedding. If your seeing some one .... fine good for you. But under these circumstances wouldnt you be wanting to keep that descrete .... keep a low profile and act with some dignity and class ?

 

I'm just curious as to what others think. I find it completely bizarre that a person in her position - who has been caught cheating 2 months after getting married would then do this. Parading a new relationship all over facebook as big news so close to us breaking up.

 

Why would you post this the way she has .... is it meant to be some sort of weird vindictive - "Look how good I am doing with out you ?". Seems to have backfired on her massively ..... I think she misunderstood how others would react to the pictures.

[Elle1975]

I remember your post. I had found your story heartbreaking.

 

Why does she do the things she does? My guess? Emotional immaturity, a pinch of stupidity too probably. Maybe in her head she thought her pictures would say "see, I am in a new relationship. It has to mean I'm a good person if I can get a guy that fast". A way to "normalize" her life.

 

Glad she lost friends over that. People traveled to Europe, I know for a fact that it's not cheap. They probably were really upset when they saw the pics. It showed her total of consideration.

 

I know you dodged a bullet. I am glad that you maintained no contact, and kicked her out of your life. Add her to your block list.

[Chi townD]

If she's losing friends and losing everyone on her facebook. Not your problem. The only problem you're having to deal with is people telling you about it. I would strongly ask people not to tell you anything that's going on in her life.

 

 

Dude, people are respecting you because you're handling yourself with dignity. Take solace and pride in that.

[lolablue17]

Facebook is fake. Many people (i think most of them) dont show their real self, they show their image they wish to advertise in public. That's the way it goes... (That's why i deactivate my FB, couldn't stand the hypocrisy)

 

Your ex wants to present her self as a strong woman. she doesn't want people to think that she is miserable and weak. So she is shouting loudly: "i'm strong, i'm alive".

 

I'm sure the main address is you. "don't think i miss you or need you after you canceled our wedding".

 

So, her motives are very clear - What i don't understand is Why on earth aren't you blocking her completely?

[Chi townD]

Facebook is fake. Many people (i think most of them) dont show their real self, they show their image they wish to advertise in public. That's the way it goes... (That's why i deactivate my FB, couldn't stand the hypocrisy)

 

Your ex wants to present her self as a strong woman. she doesn't want people to think that she is miserable and weak. So she is shouting loudly: "i'm strong, i'm alive".

 

I'm sure the main address is you. "don't think i miss you or need you after you canceled our wedding".

 

So, her motives are very clear - What i don't understand is Why on earth aren't you blocking her completely?

 

 

He did. It's OTHER people telling him what they saw on Facebook. He deactivated his account.

[lolablue17]

He did. It's OTHER people telling him what they saw on Facebook. He deactivated his account.

 

Sorry, I wasn't aware of that.

[Elle1975]

He did. It's OTHER people telling him what they saw on Facebook. He deactivated his account.

 

I thought he had only removed her? "I haven't even seen the pics as I removed her from facebook a month ago when we made the clean break"

[Chi townD]

I thought he had only removed her? "I haven't even seen the pics as I removed her from facebook a month ago when we made the clean break"

 

 

You're right. I thought he deactivated. Well, regardless. He did make strides to cut her out of his life. It's not like he was camped out on her page or anything.

[No Limit]

I guess this was a desperate attempt to make her look happy and independent despite the circumstances. It backfired for obvious reasons.

[preraph]

Sorry you got so far down the marriage path before you found out, but better then than later. At this point, you probably need to tell your friends to stop pointing out stuff about her because you're trying to forget the whole thing. She's screwing around because she was already screwing around and wasn't ever good marriage material because it's all about her. And by the way, they always try to justify cheating by finding some way to blame you.

 

It's not easy but you maybe should write a group email and tell people you would appreciate receiving no more updates on your ex, that you have moved on.

[Justanaverageguy]

I only removed her from my facebook - so I cant see anything but her profile picture and friend list and vice a versa. Pretty much nothing. I am not going to remove/deactivate my account just because of her as I still use it to keep in touch with friends and family while I am overseas.

 

In terms of friends contacting me about the pictures - to be honest they have been really good and basically not brought anything up about her or the breakup unless I chose to talk about it. I have not told the majority of them what actually happened only a select few very close friends know the details. I think that's why people were so shocked and asked me about it - most people had no idea what was going on or what happened and then she splashed pictures of a new guy up on Facebook.

 

In terms of the friends being removed thing ... I also found out its a mixture as to why so many were removed. Some of my friends deleted her when they saw the pictures ... but then it looks like after quite a few people started deleting her she went and bulk removed everyone she had who was connected to me on Facebook. I don't know if maybe she got some nasty pm's from my friends or something and decided it would be a good idea to remove the rest.

 

Apparently she also sent individual messages to some of my friends and family before deleting them. My sisters said she sent them messages which were actually quite nice goodbye messages .... but in the message she also basically denied ever cheating. This is despite the fact she has completely admitted everything directly to my face.

 

I'm not sure what that's about .... she seemed to go into a weird denial mode a couple of weeks after it it came out. She admitted everything when I confronted her .... then a few weeks later right when we cut contact she reverted to a weird state of denial. I don't think she can actually even admit to herself what she did.

[karnak]

I only removed her from my facebook - so I cant see anything but her profile picture and friend list and vice a versa. Pretty much nothing. I am not going to remove/deactivate my account just because of her as I still use it to keep in touch with friends and family while I am overseas.

 

In terms of friends contacting me about the pictures - to be honest they have been really good and basically not brought anything up about her or the breakup unless I chose to talk about it. I have not told the majority of them what actually happened only a select few very close friends know the details. I think that's why people were so shocked and asked me about it - most people had no idea what was going on or what happened and then she splashed pictures of a new guy up on Facebook.

 

In terms of the friends being removed thing ... I also found out its a mixture as to why so many were removed. Some of my friends deleted her when they saw the pictures ... but then it looks like after quite a few people started deleting her she went and bulk removed everyone she had who was connected to me on Facebook. I don't know if maybe she got some nasty pm's from my friends or something and decided it would be a good idea to remove the rest.

 

Apparently she also sent individual messages to some of my friends and family before deleting them. My sisters said she sent them messages which were actually quite nice goodbye messages .... but in the message she also basically denied ever cheating. This is despite the fact she has completely admitted everything directly to my face.

 

I'm not sure what that's about .... she seemed to go into a weird denial mode a couple of weeks after it it came out. She admitted everything when I confronted her .... then a few weeks later right when we cut contact she reverted to a weird state of denial. I don't think she can actually even admit to herself what she did.

 

In a previous thread you mentioned you came across a book that had opened your eyes to the female psyche, didn't you? I guess it's one of those books by Michelle Langley.

 

Wonderful books. Unfortunately, most men don't like them because it contradicts what they have been taught, for years, by their mothers and aunts, concerning the mental and emotional patterns of women. Many women too see her books as anathema, because they're in denial, cocerning their inner emotions. I'd say that many women hate to admit the message contained in these books because of what they state concerning their "dark side".

 

Speaking from experience, I am a guy that defends equality of rights for both sexes. Yet I'm very often labeled as an extremist or mysoginist because I state that women (just as much as men) can act as pigs and they too have a "dark and sinister side" concerning sexuality.

 

Unfortunately, still in the 21st century, women are most times still seen as brainless dolls that can do no wrong and that can think no evil thoughts. Just when the capacity for misdeed in both genders is equally accepted, can people look into themselves and struggle to resolve their emotional issues.

[Justanaverageguy]

In a previous thread you mentioned you came across a book that had opened your eyes to the female psyche, didn't you? I guess it's one of those books by Michelle Langley.

 

Wonderful books. Unfortunately, most men don't like them because it contradicts what they have been taught, for years, by their mothers and aunts, concerning the mental and emotional patterns of women. Many women too see her books as anathema, because they're in denial, cocerning their inner emotions. I'd say that many women hate to admit the message contained in these books because of what they state concerning their "dark side".

 

Speaking from experience, I am a guy that defends equality of rights for both sexes. Yet I'm very often labeled as an extremist or mysoginist because I state that women (just as much as men) can act as pigs and they too have a "dark and sinister side" concerning sexuality.

 

Unfortunately, still in the 21st century, women are most times still seen as brainless dolls that can do no wrong and that can think no evil thoughts. Just when the capacity for misdeed in both genders is equally accepted, can people look into themselves and struggle to resolve their emotional issues.

 

Yeah it was her book .... I must say I was reading a lot of different things trying to piece together what happened. A lot of the other bits and pieces from my reading kind of ended up tying into her book. When I stumbled across her website - reading the little blurb on the front page I nearly fell of my chair at how accurately it described what happened in my relationship. Seriously spooky - I bought the book say maybe a week or so after the cheating came out.

 

I have actually been meaning to send a letter to the author just to say thank you - I'm not trying to sprook it or anything here but it honestly helped me so much with this process - I feel like it in some way shortcut my pain and grieving process because I could better understand what happened. It was so bizarre how accurately the book predicted not only my partners behavior .... but also my own. The checklist she had of when this normally happens - my ex and I ticked every box ... some of them twice. And the lines she had in the book about things women say during the process - my partner was literally quoting them verbatim. It was freaky.

 

I can see why most men wouldn't like the book - especially any man where he doesn't already know his wife has cheated on him. I think because I found the book after I knew she had cheated .... I got to watch it all unravel exactly like the book said it would. Makes it hard not to stand up and take notice.

 

It has some pretty controversial views that go against a lot of the ideals people are brought up with. I consider myself now to be agnostic but I was raised heavily catholic .... and its pretty hard for some of the teachings you get brain washed with from a young age not to rub off on you. I think the book has certainly changed my ideals about women and just relationships in general and what it takes to make them work.

 

There was a weird point before I cut contact with my ex where I was trying to make her understand what happened. I started psychologically analyzing her trying to make her understand what was going on using what was in the book and matching it to real life examples from our relationship. She completely freaked out - and admitted that a lot of what I was saying was right. She just continually recited things that were in the book and I can't even count the number of times she kept saying "I'm not a slut I'm a good girl" .... and for the record I never called her anything like that. Seriously I never did - all I would ask her was why she did it .... and that would be her response. It was just her talking out loud almost like she was having an inner battle with herself - what she had done had destroyed her own "good girl" image like it describes in the book.

 

She ended up stuck in the "I need time to figure out what I want stage" and moved into another apartment. I ended up giving her an ultimatum like in the book - and she didn't respond so I just ended it. Then she went bat **** crazy. She honestly started acting like I cheated on her - just plain weird.

 

I also sent her the book to read but before I cut contact and ended it I asked if she had .... and she said she couldn't because she was too scared about what it would say.

Edited July 25, 2014 by Justanaverageguy

[Justanaverageguy]

I will add one more thing - its been about 4 months now since my marriage fell apart and the cheating came out. I honestly can't believe how quickly I have managed to recover.

 

From where I was 2-3 months back - I thought the sky was falling and my life had just completely fallen apart. If you read my situation it was pretty god damn devastating. I wasn't sure I would ever recover. I'm still not fully over it but I have just decided to get on with my life. The last couple of months have honestly been 2 of the most amazing months of my life - which is something I would never have imagined when this happened.

 

I have traveled a lot through Europe on my own - which forced me to go way out of my comfort zone and start to meet new and random people. Made some new friends I will definitely keep in touch with. I had some of my best friends fly out for an amazing 2 week holiday - kind of the bachelor party I never got to have.

 

I also took a permanent transfer to a different office in another city in the EU and decided to continue working abroad. Then recently I've been on quite a dating spree. Foreign guys seem to be quite popular in the EU. And when I say dating spree .... I don't mean sleeping with dozens of women. I did with a couple - which was just fun for both parties involved we were on the same page - but mainly just dating. It's been weird because I never really did that when I was younger.

 

I had 3 what I would call serious relationships previously (including my last one) and they all came about organically knowing each other through friends or work. There was no dating per say.

 

So it's been kind of new for me .... and fun playing the singles game again. Learnt a lot about myself and women. Also learnt quite a bit about the attraction game - what makes people interested and keeps people interested.

 

I actually have a date tonight with a girl - who is a bit different from the others I have been on dates with. We have already been on a couple of dates and texting for over a month. I actually feel like I have a genuine connection with her. I have to move to another city in a couple of weeks ... so in all likelyhood nothing substantial will come from it. Just getting that feeling about another woman, where its a little more then just sex or just dating. Where you get that nervous excited feeling before you meet up. Amazing how quickly that helps you forget and move on from the pain of the past.

[Diezel]

Trying to understand the machinations of a mad person is in itself, a mad proposition.

 

No matter what answer you think there might be to her "reasoning", it's probably wrong. Just let it be, stop trying to understand her motives, it's no longer your problem.

[changchewsoon]

I remember your previous thread, and thanks for updating us on your latest progress.

 

First of all, I'm sorry you had to go through this but it seems you are a strong person and you are on the path of recovery and doing well.

 

I just wanted to highlight the part where you mentioned your ex admitting to your face that she cheated, and then denying she ever did when she wrote the goodbye messages to people in Facebook.

 

My ex is sort of the same, she admitted to my face and also through Whatsapp that she cheated the entire time and I deserve better. However, she basically went out and painted me black by bad mouthing me and telling an entire different story together.

 

Honestly, your ex must be thinking everyone is as dumb as her. She literally posted up photos of herself and her new guy overnight while the wedding has just been called off.

 

And to those who still chooses to believe her is either a moron or they are basically in deny themselves.

 

Anyone with a half ass brain would know what exactly is going on. My ex did the same as well, and thanks to her start posting photos of herself with the guy literally overnight, I don't even need to say much as people basically came to their own conclusions.

 

You my friend, have just dodged a bullet. Let the new guy keep her, he doesn't know what is coming his way.

Edited July 26, 2014 by changchewsoon

[Omei]

OP I have read this and your last posts, I honestly shed a small tear I cant believe how much you put into your relationship more so then most men who would never uproot their lives and try to give a dream wedding honestly im a tad jealous and angry that a woman would do that to such a supporting guy.

 

It is amazing how you are pulling through your strength is great, best wishes.

 

Ps I think you're moving on so quickly because her actions are so unforgivable not just the cheating but all the things you did also leading up to that there's no possible way you could ever view her in a good light.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Omei

[Justanaverageguy]

Trying to understand the machinations of a mad person is in itself, a mad proposition.

 

No matter what answer you think there might be to her "reasoning", it's probably wrong. Just let it be, stop trying to understand her motives, it's no longer your problem.

 

Yeah look I no longer focus on her and why she did it. At this stage of my moving on process I've learnt to focus on myself and what I want and need now to be happy. There is no point dwelling on the past - I try to look back on it as little as possible now and just concentrate on moving forward and the opportunities ahead.

 

But I will say in the first couple of months - having some basic understanding really did help. You may say she is a mad person and no chance to understand (and I don't dispute she may have some mental health issues) - but everything is not purely black and white.

 

I can't change what happened - I can't go back - but when something like this happens you need to take the time to really look and understand a little bit of why. While I do not blame myself in anyway for her actions .... I also know I have learnt a hell of a lot from this - what works and what doesnt in long term relationships - things that I can do better. I know I will do things differently when ever my next serious relationship happens.

 

**** happens in life - both good and bad. While we often can't control what happens - we can control our reaction to it. Failures are when we learn the most and if you chose to simply label your partner as a crazy person and push 110% of the blame onto them .... your really kidding yourself. You haven't taken the time to look at yourself, the situation and likely haven't really learned anything from the experience.

[Justanaverageguy]

Ps I think you're moving on so quickly because her actions are so unforgivable not just the cheating but all the things you did also leading up to that there's no possible way you could ever view her in a good light.

 

Yeah I totally agree with this. I think the betrayal was so big and she was so deceitful about how she did it that it managed to kill the feelings I had for her pretty quickly. I think a lot of people get stuck thinking they did something wrong and vanely trying to win back their ex ... which is something I had no real interest in doing after having a couple of weeks to process what had happened. That has definitely sped up the process.

 

Once I went no contact it was really just a matter of going through the grieving stages and letting the feelings slowly subside. It really is like weaning yourself off a drug or an addiction.

[HappyLove]

Yeah look I no longer focus on her and why she did it. At this stage of my moving on process I've learnt to focus on myself and what I want and need now to be happy. There is no point dwelling on the past - I try to look back on it as little as possible now and just concentrate on moving forward and the opportunities ahead.

 

But I will say in the first couple of months - having some basic understanding really did help. You may say she is a mad person and no chance to understand (and I don't dispute she may have some mental health issues) - but everything is not purely black and white.

 

I can't change what happened - I can't go back - but when something like this happens you need to take the time to really look and understand a little bit of why. While I do not blame myself in anyway for her actions .... I also know I have learnt a hell of a lot from this - what works and what doesnt in long term relationships - things that I can do better. I know I will do things differently when ever my next serious relationship happens.

 

**** happens in life - both good and bad. While we often can't control what happens - we can control our reaction to it. Failures are when we learn the most and if you chose to simply label your partner as a crazy person and push 110% of the blame onto them .... your really kidding yourself. You haven't taken the time to look at yourself, the situation and likely haven't really learned anything from the experience.

 

 

What is it you'll do differently?

[karnak]

 

But I will say in the first couple of months - having some basic understanding really did help. You may say she is a mad person and no chance to understand (and I don't dispute she may have some mental health issues) - but everything is not purely black and white.

 

(...)

 

**** happens in life - both good and bad. While we often can't control what happens - we can control our reaction to it. Failures are when we learn the most and if you chose to simply label your partner as a crazy person and push 110% of the blame onto them .... your really kidding yourself. You haven't taken the time to look at yourself, the situation and likely haven't really learned anything from the experience.

 

Congratulations for having survived a terrible ordeal and coming out stronger.

 

It's clear by your posts that you seem to be a wise man. You appear to be at peace with yourself and you've learned a lot about love and human relationships.

 

In fact, after almost 40 years of age, the best thing I think I say concerning Love is that there's no magic formula to make it work. Despite all your work, all the love you give to your partner, things may fail and the most perfect of marriages may collapse, without one of the spouses having the least clue about what went wrong.

 

One of the things that I now assume as "dogma" is that a successful marriage/relationship depends on 50% physical attraction and 50% emotion attraction. Unfortunately, it's obvious that the physical part is the first to break. And, as soon as one of the spouses starts to loose their sexual attraction for us... well... divorce may soon follow.

 

Despite what Disney and Hollywood try to force upon the world, physical attraction is the main reason why people get together. It's no wonder that in Dinsey movies the female characters are frail, slender, handsome girls with long hair and the princes are tall, athletic guys with square jaws.

 

Sure, sex appeal alone can't hold a marriage together. And that's why there are so many divorces nowadays.

Nowadays people say that there are so many divorces, because we live in a futile and disposable society and people don't care about love anymore.

 

Fake! - back in the "old days" people didn't divorce because divorce usually meant that a woman would be "left out in the cold", considering that they had almost no means of income, except for their husband's money. That's why so many women turned a blind eye towards their husbands infidelities. Prior to the 20th century, if a woman didn't marry the only way for her to survive would be to either become a nun or a prostitute. Fortunatley, woman now have the means to guarantee their independance.

 

Economic changes have brought about a new dynamic in romantic relationships. And, regardless of people still talking about the sacredness of "marriage vows", the complexity of the human mind doesn't allows us to lead lives as simple as we sometimes wished. Meaning that, when you solemnly vow to love a woman or a man until death, that vow is confirmed in your head. Nor you nor anyone knows what your "other half" is thinking whey they pronounce the same vows.

 

Heck... human "love" is so complex that even Christ Himself never spoke directly concerning marriage (except from a few lines in Matthew, which are almost common sense). Probably because He knew well enough how tough things can sometimes be, concerning men and women.

 

So, what to make of all of this confusing and hard world? Well, in my opinion, as long as there is humanity - men will desire women & women will desire men. Some men and women will keep desiring each other until their life ends. And some men and women will keep desiring other men & women, regardless of how much and love they're given at home.

 

Too simplistic? Probably. But there's no denying that things seem to be working that way.

[Justanaverageguy]

What is it you'll do differently?

 

Ok long rant – There are some basic personal things I want to change.

 

The last couple of years my work life balance was out of wack and I know that impacted my mood. I brought stress home from work that impacted the relationship and just my broader life. I have already taken steps to fix that.

 

I also think communication and dealing with issues within the relationship was not done well and small problems that weren’t important sometimes became an issue because they were simply ignored. I would definitely make changes to ensure that didn’t happen again.

 

But on a much bigger scale - I think my whole mindset and approach to relationships has changed and its maybe a bit hard to put into words. I was previously a bit naïve – a bit brainwashed by society and my upbringing about how they are supposed to work and about how people act …. what women want. I feel like in my last relationship we were following society's rule book about how a relationship is supposed to work – live together, get the house, dog, kids, married - but that didn’t really work did it. I'm not someone to do the same thing twice and expect a different result. I think what happened to me – and also the similar things happening to some friends at the same age - has made me go completely back to the drawing board.

 

To begin with I will definitely take a lot more care deciding who I choose to fall in love with. I say choose because it is a decision – some people just blindly follow their feelings which is what I did last time. I turned a blind eye to obvious red flags about my ex partners character because I was strongly attracted to her both physically and mentally. I’ve actually recently learnt a lot about attraction – what causes you to want another person – and used that to get to understand my own feelings. Learning how to both understand and to an extent control those and know “why” you’re actually attracted to someone allows you to more wisely choose. I’ve been using the last 6-7 weeks dating as an almost experiment with some of the things I learnt about. Pretty shocking how well some of the attraction tricks/games work. Seriously I have some funny stories and it explained a lot about maybe even why I was so attracted to my last partner at first.

 

Also I don’t think I will be in another relationship where I am expecting it to last for life. That sounds weird but stats show most relationships don’t. I think having an expectation that its forever breeds laziness and complacency on both sides. In line with that I don’t think I would want to be married again - Unless that was something that was really really important to the girl and I decided to just do it for her – then I would avoid it. At the end of the day the marriage certificate is not worth the paper its written on.

 

The book I mentioned had an interesting section that went into how biological studies show that the natural mating period for humans is only 4-5 years. This is heavily backed up by divorce stats. At this time there is a natural process where people grow apart almost become unattracted from each other and often separate. The author suggested every 5 years people should break up – and then decide if they actually want to get back together. A 5 year marriage where at the end of those 5 years you're released and you have to consciously chose to get back together again. To decide if the other person still makes you happy - instead of this crazy life long commitment where people feel bound to stay together regardless of whether it makes us happy or not. I’m not saying I would do that but I do like the concept of putting a regular hard checkpoint on your relationship – where you actually sit down and figure out if it still works. If you actually still want to be together. I think that would cause people to focus on it more – not take it for granted - because there is no expectation it is forever.

 

I don’t think I would be overly keen to even co-habitat with my next partner. Who says you have to live together to be in a committed long term relationship ? If there are kids then OK – I can see that makes sense. But when there are none I think living together, you can start to live in each others pockets too much, you lose the mystery, you lose the passion. Your relationship ends up being reduced to organizing jobs, and chores and bills and other non important time fillers. The length of time together is increased but the quality of time is reduced. If we did live together I would have strict ground rules about things like chores and personal time. In my previous relationship my ex insisted on doing certain things for me at first – trying to be the good girlfriend/wife - but then eventually she came to resent doing over time and they became an issue. I also felt like with work and everything else it was difficult to get time to yourself to explore your own interests and do your own thing. I would make sure that didn’t happen again

 

I think lastly the one thing I really realized is a lot of the reason cheating (particularly in women) is that they get bored with their partner and just with their life and want “change”. You have to really concentrate on bringing new things to the relationship, keeping it fresh and exciting and keeping yourself interesting to your partner. I don’t mean doing anything stupid or being something that you are not – but just avoiding falling into a rut or routine. People get bored with the same thing every day so you need to keep it interesting if you want it to last.

 

Sorry if that was long winded .....

[HappyLove]

Ok long rant – There are some basic personal things I want to change.

 

The last couple of years my work life balance was out of wack and I know that impacted my mood. I brought stress home from work that impacted the relationship and just my broader life. I have already taken steps to fix that.

 

I also think communication and dealing with issues within the relationship was not done well and small problems that weren’t important sometimes became an issue because they were simply ignored. I would definitely make changes to ensure that didn’t happen again.

 

But on a much bigger scale - I think my whole mindset and approach to relationships has changed and its maybe a bit hard to put into words. I was previously a bit naïve – a bit brainwashed by society and my upbringing about how they are supposed to work and about how people act …. what women want. I feel like in my last relationship we were following society's rule book about how a relationship is supposed to work – live together, get the house, dog, kids, married - but that didn’t really work did it. I'm not someone to do the same thing twice and expect a different result. I think what happened to me – and also the similar things happening to some friends at the same age - has made me go completely back to the drawing board.

 

To begin with I will definitely take a lot more care deciding who I choose to fall in love with. I say choose because it is a decision – some people just blindly follow their feelings which is what I did last time. I turned a blind eye to obvious red flags about my ex partners character because I was strongly attracted to her both physically and mentally. I’ve actually recently learnt a lot about attraction – what causes you to want another person – and used that to get to understand my own feelings. Learning how to both understand and to an extent control those and know “why” you’re actually attracted to someone allows you to more wisely choose. I’ve been using the last 6-7 weeks dating as an almost experiment with some of the things I learnt about. Pretty shocking how well some of the attraction tricks/games work. Seriously I have some funny stories and it explained a lot about maybe even why I was so attracted to my last partner at first.

 

Also I don’t think I will be in another relationship where I am expecting it to last for life. That sounds weird but stats show most relationships don’t. I think having an expectation that its forever breeds laziness and complacency on both sides. In line with that I don’t think I would want to be married again - Unless that was something that was really really important to the girl and I decided to just do it for her – then I would avoid it. At the end of the day the marriage certificate is not worth the paper its written on.

 

The book I mentioned had an interesting section that went into how biological studies show that the natural mating period for humans is only 4-5 years. This is heavily backed up by divorce stats. At this time there is a natural process where people grow apart almost become unattracted from each other and often separate. The author suggested every 5 years people should break up – and then decide if they actually want to get back together. A 5 year marriage where at the end of those 5 years you're released and you have to consciously chose to get back together again. To decide if the other person still makes you happy - instead of this crazy life long commitment where people feel bound to stay together regardless of whether it makes us happy or not. I’m not saying I would do that but I do like the concept of putting a regular hard checkpoint on your relationship – where you actually sit down and figure out if it still works. If you actually still want to be together. I think that would cause people to focus on it more – not take it for granted - because there is no expectation it is forever.

 

I don’t think I would be overly keen to even co-habitat with my next partner. Who says you have to live together to be in a committed long term relationship ? If there are kids then OK – I can see that makes sense. But when there are none I think living together, you can start to live in each others pockets too much, you lose the mystery, you lose the passion. Your relationship ends up being reduced to organizing jobs, and chores and bills and other non important time fillers. The length of time together is increased but the quality of time is reduced. If we did live together I would have strict ground rules about things like chores and personal time. In my previous relationship my ex insisted on doing certain things for me at first – trying to be the good girlfriend/wife - but then eventually she came to resent doing over time and they became an issue. I also felt like with work and everything else it was difficult to get time to yourself to explore your own interests and do your own thing. I would make sure that didn’t happen again

 

I think lastly the one thing I really realized is a lot of the reason cheating (particularly in women) is that they get bored with their partner and just with their life and want “change”. You have to really concentrate on bringing new things to the relationship, keeping it fresh and exciting and keeping yourself interesting to your partner. I don’t mean doing anything stupid or being something that you are not – but just avoiding falling into a rut or routine. People get bored with the same thing every day so you need to keep it interesting if you want it to last.

 

Sorry if that was long winded .....

 

 

 

I don't necessarily agree with everything you're going to do differently but bravo to you for making a change and trying to do different and better. So many people keep doing the same things over and over again wondering why nothing has changed. I think your next love will be a very lucky woman because you actually care about your relationships and making it work. At the end of the day with how horrible things ended in the last relationship you are truly coming out better from it in the end. Good luck!