lack of romance

[dj]

I've been living with my partner for 2 1/2 years. We always had great sex and I felt that she loved me very much. But now things are much different we hardly ever make love at all. Once a month if I'm extremely lucky. She keeps a chronic vaginal infection and the doctors can't seem to help. She has lost all interest in sex. I'm a very healthy male and I love her with all of my heart. But I'm very frustrated, I try to be understanding and not pressure her because it always seems that pentration is painful to her and she can't enjoy herself. this in turn makes me feel guilty for wanting to make love to her. I feel selfish and greedy,but I still have phsyical need that wants to be satisfied. Another problem is that she became partners in restaurant with her ex lover of 7 years. She did it before she told me because she knew that I would object.But she did it anyway. This makes me feel very threatened. She says it is all business and I want believe her,but it's very difficult. She won't let me come to the restaurant because it will make her feel uncomfortable. But it'seating me up inside. Thanks for any help

[Tony T]

This restaurant deal seems more troubling to me than the sex part.

 

Her vaginal infection can be taken care of if she sees the right doctors and gets the right medication. Perhaps she can go to a major clinic or medical school nearby where a number of doctors can participate in the diagnosis and treatment of her problem.

 

Unless she has some very rare infection for which there is no known cure, she should be able to get through this in fairly short order. Tell her she needs to get far more agressive in seeking treatment.

 

I think she was very decietful and disrespectful by going into business with a former lover without discussing this with you. While it is very much her business, the fact that she did it behind your back makes a major statement.

 

Frankly, I don't think she wants you to come to the restaurant because there is something going on there she doesn't want you to know about. Otherwise, she would be very open and proud to have you visit. It's obvious that her partner doesn't know about you, otherwise there would be no reason why two civil human beings couldn't meet each other and get along.

 

The fact that she doesn't want you to meet her business partner, a former lover, stinks real bad. My guess is she's up to something.

 

I don't think you can ever have a satisfactory relationship with someone who keeps lots of secrets from you, does things behind your back, and makes major life decisions (even ones involving ex lovers) without giving you the courtesy of advanced notice.

 

I think you need to have a very good talk with this lady while you're packing your bags. It doesn't sound like she is very motivated to have a good relationship with you in any way. It really doesn't sound like she cares a whole lot about you. Maybe there's some nice things you're not telling us. Gawd, I hope so!!!

 

What are you getting out of this relationship...and what do you anticipate getting from it in the future? It just feels so rotten from my vantage point.

[Fishbulb]

I've been living with my partner for 2 1/2

years. We always had great sex and I felt that she loved me very much. But now things are much different we hardly ever make love at all. Once a month if I'm extremely lucky. She keeps a chronic vaginal infection and the doctors can't seem to help. She has lost all interest in sex. I'm a very healthy male and I love her with all of my heart. But I'm very frustrated, I try to be understanding and not pressure her because it always seems that pentration is painful to her and she can't enjoy herself. this in turn makes me feel guilty for wanting to make love to her. I feel selfish and greedy,but I still have phsyical need that wants to be satisfied. Another problem is that she became partners in restaurant with her ex lover of 7 years. She did it before she told me because she knew that I would object.But she did it anyway. This makes me feel very threatened. She says it is all business and I want believe her,but it's very difficult. She won't let me come to the restaurant because it will make her feel uncomfortable. But it'seating me up inside. Thanks for any help

Hi, this is Fishbulb. I'm gonna be frank. Let's look at the facts as you've presented them: 1) No sex. 2) 'chronic, incurable vaginal infection'. 3) Partners w/ ex-lover. 4) Kept partnership from you. 5) You're not allowed inside because it'll make HER uncomfortable....Do you remember, at all, where you left your spine, because I certainly can't see it from where I am... what I'm trying to say is you're letting this woman walk all over you. Here's a poem a friend wrote awile back...'Man- kind to me as I grind my glass-heeled slipper into his face - leaving shards in his nostrils and blood in his eyes - "Won't you get up and shut the window, darling...it's drafty.' I can sympathize completely. I just read a book that really helped me find a voice in my relationship...it's called 'Women can't hear what men don't say' by Dr. Warren Farrell, and once I was through with it, I have NEVER felt so personally empowered as a male. While all this empowerment eventually led to the end of the relationship, I have emerged much more aware of who I am as a person, whose needs are as important as anyone elses', which, without this reinforcement, probably wouldn't have happened because I would have been too busy crucifying myself out of not being good enough for a woman that wouldn't give me what I needed from a relationship anyway. What I'm saying is, if you think you deserve better, then get it. Not that I necessarily advocate divorce, but step back and breathe for a while, and think about what's best for YOU. p.s.-that book seriously kicks ass...

[Tony T]

You really have a way with words. Your advice is excellent here.

 

You did such a great job I ordered the book, $11.95 paperback (plus postage) at amazon.com Sounds like a great book.

 

I totally agree this lady is walking all over this guy big time. And I know the great feeling a person has when he is finally empowered with the strength to take no more crap from anybody.

 

I just love you name!!!