Somehow I became the other woman again, and this time didn't even know it.

[KismetGirl]

It's been a long time since i posted. I had quite the long saga on here before. People were really special in how they followed my story.

 

I thought I got over it. Have tried to move forward the past couple years. Thought I'd never be an OW again.

 

I must literally have the worst freaking luck in love of everyone I know.

 

Started dating a new guy in the last couple months. Had a bad break up last year (just your usual bad break up), and was just now starting to want to be in a new one. Met this guy who intially lied about his age (he said he was in his 30's but he's actually only 26...), but i figured since im a few years older than him i guess he wanted me to give him a chance so he lied about age. I didn't think to assume he's lying about everything else.

 

Ive been seeing him and really enjoying time with him. Once in a while he'd so something "off", or say something weird. Couldn't put my finger on it really. He had a viable excuse for why I could never come to his place (said he lived with family) and so we were always at my place. I kept asking to at least see his place but figured since his family is there he doesnt want to introduce someone he is seeing so soon.

 

Silly me.

 

The last time I had sex with him was yesterday. Today, I get a call in the middle of the day from a woman who says she is his live=in girlfriend of one year. Despite abhorring the past, saying I'd never again do it, I have inadvertantly become an OW again. When she said she's his girlfriend I wanted to vomit. I was in shock. I said his name several times saying, are you sure you have the right person??? Yes. So I guess it makes sense now why I hadn't seen his place yet. He had told me he would get his own place in two weeks and I could visit then....turns out he said that because she was going on vacation in two weeks so perfect timing to have new girls over.

 

I ended up talking to his girlfriend for two hours. She seemed really nice. From what I gather he has been doing this a long time with many girls but this is the first real proof she had (she found my info on his phone, and snuck into his email and sent me a message as if it were him to get me to admit we are being intimate). Anyway she got my info and called me. I didnt know what to say. I have been falling for him of course, like him a lot, and now I find out he's with someone already. I feel like sh*t. My confidence has fallen to the ground. I feel like, yet again, I am second choice, the garbage, the one thrown away after being used. And this time i didnt even know it was happening.

 

From what she tells me he's a pathological liar. I get the impression she is afraid to leave. She's much older than him and me....she could almost be his (very young) mother. Maybe she thinks she'll never again find this young "stud" or whatever, I dont know. I get the distinct impression that he will cry, say he's sorry and will never do it again, and that she will stay with him anyway.

 

And I feel bad for her of course. But I'm also being selfish and I feel bad for me. I'm torn between the thought of "good riddance, if he's a pathological liar, better her than me...she can have him", and the never ending thought that yet again i will be the throwaway item in a man's life as he begs for forgiveness from the other one. It's not that I want to be in her position (obviously i can't want to be in her position), but I'm just tired of somehow always ending up in this one. I feel compeltely ****e, completely used , completely alone. I was supposed to go away for buisiness/work reasons, and I postponed something important for two weeks so i could spend more time with him before I left for a while. He told me to stay, that we'd spend all this time together. And now I just imagine him crying at her knees , hugging her and asking her to forgive him while I sit here alone yet again for the umpteenth time in my life. I feel....cursed.

 

As I said, she seems very nice. She asked me to confront him with her, then changed her mind and said she'd do it alone. She texted me to update me just now, saying they had a long and difficult conversation, that both of them cried, that he feels bad, and that she'd tell me the rest later. So I imagine she'll stay with him as most women do when they are in love with someone and no matter how much they **** up these women stay because they are in love. And I'm sure she will stay too, despite the fact that she said she was packing her bags and leaving tonight. I doubt she'll do that.

 

I dont know why im writing this. I just feel sad.

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this . It sucks to be the second choice but it sucks even more to be in this position through no fault of your own. That guy is a scumbag and you are SOOO much better off without him. No one deserves to be lied to like that and his manipulation and deceit was disgusting. Frankly, I'd feel bad for his girlfriend but she's the one putting up with it and staying with him though her eyes are wide open.

 

My advice? Take a much needed break, treat yourself to maybe a nice mini-vacation and regroup.

[whichwayisup]

Sorry this happened to you again. Just bad luck, that's how you have to look at it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you - You're young, beautiful and smart. He is the ****.head here!

 

 

Ive been seeing him and really enjoying time with him. Once in a while he'd so something "off", or say something weird. Couldn't put my finger on it really. He had a viable excuse for why I could never come to his place (said he lived with family) and so we were always at my place. I kept asking to at least see his place but figured since his family is there he doesnt want to introduce someone he is seeing so soon.

 

Only thing I'll say is, if something feels off, listen to your gut, not your emotions and heart. Those who make excuses like that, are hiding something and lying about it.

 

Let yourself grieve this loss but don't let it taint you from taking chances and dating/getting to know others.

[MissBee]

Hi Kismet,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have to say I disagree with one aspect though, which is the "bad luck" aspect. I find that in relationships especially if you "find yourself" with similar types of "bad luck" it's not a coincidence but some part of you that attracts that kind of situation. It doesn't mean you're horrible or worthless but it does mean you have stuff to work through that draws you to these situations OR makes you blind to the writings on the wall.

 

For me, realizing I wasn't unlucky was VERY empowering! When I kept meeting loser after loser and unavailable man after unavailable man, I felt so powerless when I felt like I was unlucky...luck made it seem like I had no control. It wasn't true. I was drawn to these people and in the early stages when the writings were on the wall and the red flags were popping up, I ignored them....much like you did, starting with excusing his lies that you knew about and other things which seemed off. I could replay my relationships and realize every choice I made and every flag I ignored that led to the grand collapse and grand revelation that this man was a loser/unavailable. Now, I'm not "unlucky" anymore...my luck didn't change though...my self-awareness did! Now I can spot a liar, unavailable man right away and don't spend a minute more with him than necessary and don't require their validation so don't need to feel like I want them to choose me or feel worthless if they don't.

 

I feel like lots is going on with you and it's not so much about this guy but as you said this overall feeling of being second place, choosing men who confirm this feeling because you're the other and you just wanting to matter and be number one. He can't give you that and you're not unlucky. You should be gentle with yourself and also when you're ready really begin to think about ALL your relationships, if they're any patterns, explore why you feel badly and really pinpoint where you might be looking for something so end up in these situations or why your response to them isn't to be angry that they're liars and good riddance but still part of you wants to be chosen....I really do believe that exploring that will help you a ton more than just saying you have bad luck. Feel better .

[KismetGirl]

Hi Kismet,

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have to say I disagree with one aspect though, which is the "bad luck" aspect. I find that in relationships especially if you "find yourself" with similar types of "bad luck" it's not a coincidence but some part of you that attracts that kind of situation. It doesn't mean you're horrible or worthless but it does mean you have stuff to work through that draws you to these situations OR makes you blind to the writings on the wall.

 

For me, realizing I wasn't unlucky was VERY empowering! When I kept meeting loser after loser and unavailable man after unavailable man, I felt so powerless when I felt like I was unlucky...luck made it seem like I had no control. It wasn't true. I was drawn to these people and in the early stages when the writings were on the wall and the red flags were popping up, I ignored them....much like you did, starting with excusing his lies that you knew about and other things which seemed off. I could replay my relationships and realize every choice I made and every flag I ignored that led to the grand collapse and grand revelation that this man was a loser/unavailable. Now, I'm not "unlucky" anymore...my luck didn't change though...my self-awareness did! Now I can spot a liar, unavailable man right away and don't spend a minute more with him than necessary and don't require their validation so don't need to feel like I want them to choose me or feel worthless if they don't.

 

I feel like lots is going on with you and it's not so much about this guy but as you said this overall feeling of being second place, choosing men who confirm this feeling because you're the other and you just wanting to matter and be number one. He can't give you that and you're not unlucky. You should be gentle with yourself and also when you're ready really begin to think about ALL your relationships, if they're any patterns, explore why you feel badly and really pinpoint where you might be looking for something so end up in these situations or why your response to them isn't to be angry that they're liars and good riddance but still part of you wants to be chosen....I really do believe that exploring that will help you a ton more than just saying you have bad luck. Feel better .

 

MissBee,

 

I feel that it can't all be my choices....sure, I ignore red flags sometimes. But I feel like I've really tried all sorts of approaches to dating...and it just never happens.

 

It's hard for me to force attraction with someone. When I first meet someone, I know nothing about them, and there are no red flags to be found because I've just met them. But I know in that first second if I'm attracted enough to someone to feel some spark and want to see them more. It's not just based on looks, but an overall feeling when I first meet them.

 

it's just that somehow, whomever I am attracted to, turns out to be a problem. They become unavailable emotionally or physically, somehow. When I met this most recent guy he seemed like a normal, happy go lucky, laid back guy. Young. No reason to think he was anything other than single (how he expressed his status at first of course)-- nevermind thinking that he was in a relationship with a woman like 15 years older than him and living with her. It just seems like I have the most horrid luck. Like others meet someone that seems the same and it works out for them. How can I tell anything about him in those first few minutes? Nothing really, except that "spark" i feel that makes me think "I want to get to know this person more". And that's it really.

 

Yes, its true that later on if i ignore signs of problems its my fault. That much i agree.

 

But the initial spark, or attraction, i have no control over. And it happens so rarely that I try to go for it when I feel it, like any normal person would, except in my case it seems that it never turns into someone legitimate. Whereas for other people they can say "yeah i just felt this spark when i met him/her" and it actually turns into a normal relationship. Not so with me, ever, it seems. THis latest mess is just another thing knocking down all sense of confidence I have in this area of my life. I'm getting older (though not old yet), but still, its that tricky age range for women where the impending doom creeps in a bit more than it did at , say, 25 years old. The pool of available men has shrunk (though i suppose the first wave of divorces will be around soon....all i need, a recently divorced guy to date!)

 

i really want to give up so badly. I am so tired of feeling like a constant second best piece of garbage easily discarded while the first choices are begged to and pleaded to for a second chance. Again, its not like i want to necessarily be a "first choice" dealing with a cheating spouse....but for once I also want to feel like I matter to someone I date. That I am their first choice, that they are afraid their bad choices will hurt me. I'm never that person. I'm the second choice. Easily discarded while they run back to their first choice source of comfort that I can never seem to be for anyone. I dont even know what it is anymore. And the longer it goes on, the less my confidence is, the more depressed I am. I know I dont look as happy as I used to a few years ago. I look beaten down, sad all the time, unhappy with life, tired, exhausted by my career and feeling like despite having some good friends and family, I'm coming home to an empty apartment and that it's going to stay that way until I am old and grey.

[KismetGirl]

no one else has support ? :-(

[somedude81]

Terrible that this happened to you KismetGirl.

 

Couple of points I want to make.

 

It should be a huge concern to you that you are only feeling "the spark" from guys who are pathological liars.

 

How long were you with him for? You said "last couple months." That tells me that you were only with him for 2 to 3 months. Isn't that a little bit early to be talking about love?

Also, you really should have listened to your gut in wanting to check out his place.

[KismetGirl]

Terrible that this happened to you KismetGirl.

 

Couple of points I want to make.

 

It should be a huge concern to you that you are only feeling "the spark" from guys who are pathological liars.

 

How long were you with him for? You said "last couple months." That tells me that you were only with him for 2 to 3 months. Isn't that a little bit early to be talking about love?

Also, you really should have listened to your gut in wanting to check out his place.

 

Thanks....I dont only feel a spark from pathological liars, but I seem to only feel it with people that are just not good relationship prospects at some point, whether physically unavailable or emotionally unavailable. They all seem normal enough at first, but they never end up being anything with potential and I always end up being dumped to the side. The funny thing is that many of these guys end up in long-term relationships , so surely they are capable of them....but for some reason, never with me. God help me for saying this but I almost wanted to be in his girlfriend's shoes so just for ONCE in my life I could be the one someone was professing love to, apologising to, saying they wanted to stay with me....rather than being in the position I always am, which is "sorry, i cant see you anymore", for whatever reason, and being left on the curb and discarded like I always am. I am so, so tired of being the expendable one. That's sick, isn't it? To want to be in the position of a woman who just found out her boyfriend of a year whom she lives with was cheating on her again. And yet that's how horrible my love life has felt, that I just want someone to act for once like they give a **** about me even though they messed up. This morning I got a text from her telling me she decided to stay "for now" (as I knew she would...) but that she hadnt made a final decision. I already know she wont leave him. She's much older, she thinks she's massively in love, and she moved across continents to be with him. She ain't going no where. She said he felt "relieved" that she knew, that he was sorry, that he cried, blah blah blah. Everything I knew he would say. For someone to lie as much as he has , some tears and apologies and pleading are not unexpected possibilities. I'm sure he seemed very sincere. She said she told him not to see me again, but that she also asked him to call me just one time to apologise to me for putting me in this position. He has not yet called me to do so. Maybe he will after the weekend. I suppose he could just call while she is there, say he's sorry, and hang up, but he hasnt yet. I have no idea if his intention is to have a more in depth conversation with me when she is not sitting next to him.

 

She said she did not tell him that she snuck into his email, pretended to be him to get me to admit we were together. Only that she found my number, called me, and got me to admit it over the phone. I suspect she's worried he'll be mad that she went through his email and did such a thing. She has expressed concern before over making him mad because he'll "just leave". She obviously hasn't got the best conception of how to handle this either and is afraid of losing him moreso than she is willing to admit that since he has done this before several times, he will likely do it again. But that's neither here nor there. I knew from the moment I spoke to her that she won't leave. She was more concerned with finding ways to tell him she knew without making him mad than just expressing all her feelings about it. She's said that she is always the one to apologise, even when she is suspicious about other girls, because he makes her feel guilty by turning the tables and saying he's pissed that she's being such a woman and being suspicious about him all the time. He's obviously good at manipulating her.

 

I wouldn't say I am in love with him because I am a reasonable person and do not feel you can be in love with someone so quickly. She claimed they were in love within two weeks. Frankly I think that's impossible, you can't know someone well enough in two weeks to do any more than be infatuated with them. I think, in part, he desperately wants to leave this country and am realising that's probably why he keeps trying to hook up with foreign girls (she is european, i am american)...we all live overseas. She told me that part of the reason she got suspicious about me was because he kept talking about me a lot, more than any of his other clients, about how he thought I had a great job and i was american from so and so city, and that he'd always wanted to go there. Why on earth he would tell that to his girlfriend i have no idea.

 

Anyway Im not in love but definitely have feelings for him and like him quite a lot so this has all got my head in a spin. I extended my stay here just because of him, and it's f**ked me up a bit. I'm sitting in this apartment that I got specifically with both of us in mind and its killing me a little bit. I can't cancel it and i cant leave early now that I changed all my plans and tickets.

 

He actually just called me himself to tell me sorry for lying. He's given me all sorts of excuses and I dont know who to believe anymore though Im more inclined to believe her of course. He tells me he's been wanting to break it off with her, but does love and care for her and didnt want to hurt her by telling her he was meeting someone new, but was waiting for when she went back to her home country next week. That he had told her he thought the relationship was at an end but that SHE had asked him to just give it a few more weeks until she went back to Europe because they live together and he said ok. That she's too old for him to have a real chance at family with. That he wants to see me again.

 

It's all such bull****.

[Darren Steez]

Red flags are red flags because they are red flags. They are indicators waving high telling you something is definitely off. You would do well in the future to heed those flags because they truly save a lot of heartache.

 

The age thing? Lying probably comes easy to him, he's done this many times before. Probably creates another persona so he can fully immerse himself in whatever character he has made up so he can pursue his conquests.

 

I'd just say you are unlucky, this situation shouldn't reflect poorly on your own character, you did nothing wrong. Just don't ignore the flags. Good luck

[aussietigerwolf]

Next time if the guy lies to you and especially if he doesn't want you over his place then its a massive red flag. Maybe take a break? Blow off all these dbags and have some fun.

[Popsicle]

Of course the live in girlfriend is going to stay just like so many other BP's stay. He's scum for lying to you about being single. It's not your fault at all and has no bearing on you as a person. I am curious, how long have you two been dating? And did you meet him online?

Edited July 6, 2014 by Popsicle

[whichwayisup]

I dont only feel a spark from pathological liars, but I seem to only feel it with people that are just not good relationship prospects at some point, whether physically unavailable or emotionally unavailable. They all seem normal enough at first, but they never end up being anything with potential and I always end up being dumped to the side.

 

I say this kindly and respectfully, seeing a therapist could help you and you'll learn more about yourself. Many people do counseling at some point in their life.

[cocorico]

Thanks....I dont only feel a spark from pathological liars, but I seem to only feel it with people that are just not good relationship prospects at some point, whether physically unavailable or emotionally unavailable.

 

When I was emotionally unavailable, only "unavailable" (however defined) attracted me - since I see symmetry in a R. It may be that owing to your past "bad luck" in Rs, there is some part of you protecting yourself against potential future hurt by making yourself "emotionally unavailable" in some way too.

 

Or, perhaps, you're coming across as too needy in Rs, causing potential partners to withdraw and become unavailable, in order to protect themselves.

 

Or, perhaps, at an early age you associated drama with love, and so "safe" / "boring" simply doesn't appeal to you because it lacks that florid edge.

 

There are many possible reasons to explain what appears to be "bad luck", and if it really is making you unhappy, I'd recommend exploring them in IC so that you can exercise som agency and not simply feel victimised by your "bad luck". If, OTOH, this is simply a vent because you've landed up with another MM despite your best efforts, then shrug it off and hope for "better luck" next time.

[Owl]

I agree with Cocorico on this.

 

It might be worth exploring with an IC what's going on in your partner selection process that's leading to the issues you've had.

 

Someone here once used the phrase "your man-picker is broken".

 

Again...not saying that you're at fault here. It's just that something is leading you to pick the wrong men...investigate what that is, address it, and hopefully things will get better for you.

[Livingeachday]

First of all: Don't walk from this guy - run! Don't meet him, don't talk to him on the phone, don't, don't, don't!!!! I can predict that you are in for quite a ride - he will go to extreme length and it will get even worse once his live-in girlfriend will leave the country if you are still there. He'll be bombarding your phone, give you every sob story in the book, flowers, gifts, show up at your apartment ...oh and there will be endless crying, promises and declarations of love, swearing to love you on family members lives (preferably his mother’s), bla bla…don’t fall for that crap! I know you haven’t told us exactly where you are right now (and you don’t have to by all means) but I could take a very good guess based on your story and I heard and experienced the same story over and over again in the region.

 

On always going for the “wrong” kind of guys and just feeling a “spark” with them – don’t beat yourself up about it. Don’t let it drag you down – use it as indication that you might need to listen and most of all act on things that feel “off” and take that “little red flag”and wave it into the next guys face. And if he sees that as a reason to leave – let him go ‘cos chances are that he is just the next scum bag. You are not the only woman in the world who has made bad choices. Geez – the whole book/movie industry of romantic comedies like Bridget Jones wouldn’t even exist if it wasn’t so common and so many women couldn’t relate to it. But what you really need to do is some soul searching: What triggers that “spark” for you? And why do you consciously ignore the red flags? I think cocorico’s posts has some very good thoughts you might want to consider.

[KismetGirl]

Red flags are red flags because they are red flags. They are indicators waving high telling you something is definitely off. You would do well in the future to heed those flags because they truly save a lot of heartache.

 

The age thing? Lying probably comes easy to him, he's done this many times before. Probably creates another persona so he can fully immerse himself in whatever character he has made up so he can pursue his conquests.

 

I'd just say you are unlucky, this situation shouldn't reflect poorly on your own character, you did nothing wrong. Just don't ignore the flags. Good luck

 

Sorry for my late response i got so busy with my new assignment at work....i totally agree. After some contemplation (and being far away from him for a month or two) it's been easier to ignore him and realise he is a liar, pathologically so, and probably too immature for a real realtionship. Truth be told how could I trust anything he said even if I did date him?

 

He called me out of no where asking me if he could come visit me for a couple of weeks (when previously he'd been all 'unsure' if he'd have time), and frankly I havent responded because I dont care to see him anymore. I've actually gotten to talking to someone new (a whole new post on that one in Dating section if you care to look....) so i just dont even care about this one anymore. I guess it helps to have a new distraction and some distance to gain perspective.

 

I still feel a bit frustrated at my perceived "bad luck" with contnuing to find guys like this....liars/unavailable for whatever reason/just not a good fit. I can't say its all my fault-- they all seem like nice, normal guys at first when Im initially attracted. Maybe it is just bad luck...

[KismetGirl]

Of course the live in girlfriend is going to stay just like so many other BP's stay. He's scum for lying to you about being single. It's not your fault at all and has no bearing on you as a person. I am curious, how long have you two been dating? And did you meet him online?

 

We dated a couple of months, maybe 9-10 weeks at the most if you count the very first time we met. We did not meet online-- I hired his company to do a job for me and met him when he came to give me an estimate on something. He ended up asking me out for a drink when I called him to ask some follow up questions. I admittedly thought he was very attractive and was kind of hoping he'd ask me out...and he did. I generally don't have trouble getting that far....they just always end up being idiots.

[KismetGirl]

I say this kindly and respectfully, seeing a therapist could help you and you'll learn more about yourself. Many people do counseling at some point in their life.

 

 

Also respectfully....been there, done that, even worked as one myself for several years before pursuing further education in another field. Therapise the therapist...the part where I choose to often stay after I realise they are morons is one thing...I'm aware of that and working on it.

 

The part where they seem like nice, normal people and consistently end up being morons? That one I havent figured out yet. Seems pretty vague and impossible to avoid at times.

[Friskyone4u]

You're not really an OW. You got lied to and deceived and did not become an OW knowing anything about his other relationship . Stop beating yourself up about that.

However, I hope you do not continue to be this guys sex toy now that you know the truth . He has proven to be untrustworthy to you already so why would you want to continue this relationship. If you do, then you need IC because you are are accepting this situation knowing the truth.

Get ride of him ASAP so you can move on.

[SusiePie]

When I was emotionally unavailable, only "unavailable" (however defined) attracted me - since I see symmetry in a R. It may be that owing to your past "bad luck" in Rs, there is some part of you protecting yourself against potential future hurt by making yourself "emotionally unavailable" in some way too.

 

Or, perhaps, you're coming across as too needy in Rs, causing potential partners to withdraw and become unavailable, in order to protect themselves.

 

Or, perhaps, at an early age you associated drama with love, and so "safe" / "boring" simply doesn't appeal to you because it lacks that florid edge.

 

There are many possible reasons to explain what appears to be "bad luck", and if it really is making you unhappy, I'd recommend exploring them in IC so that you can exercise som agency and not simply feel victimised by your "bad luck". If, OTOH, this is simply a vent because you've landed up with another MM despite your best efforts, then shrug it off and hope for "better luck" next time.

 

really good post. I know OP you reject the idea of therapy but perhaps consider it again - or at least do major work on yourself, including learning more about your patterns.

 

I have similar issues. I feel sparks with the unhealthy/unavailable. It is familiar. I am replaying the same relationship over and over hoping for a different outcome. Unconsciously of course. I'm sure many think that - we are in the same relationship most of our life, but their names and faces are different.

 

I'm not saying it works for everyone, but I accepted long ago I likely could not have a healthy relationship. I am tired of hurting men I love, some were good men, because I am screwed up, so I stopped trying. Even if I am in an unhealthy dynamic with a guy with sparks, like my MM, I at least know what is happening.

 

I'm sorry this cad got a hold of you. How come jerks have to be so dang likeable and charming? Just so not right lol.

[2sunny]

Thanks for the reminder that those little lies signal that there are other things a person is willing to lie about as well.

[travelbug1996]

When you met him did you ask pertinent questions like- Do you have a girlfriend?

 

Did he ever stay the night at your house? Especially having a live in girlfriend.

 

How much time with him did you spend before becoming intimate?

 

Doesn't sound like this situation was ever made "exclusive".

[KismetGirl]

Thanks for replies everyone;;

 

I know its not my fault I inadvertantly became an OW, so Im not beating myself up for being a bad person or something, but rather for the fact that it seems like bad luck in a frustrating why that I did make the mistake of being an OW once (MANY years ago at this point....) and said I'd never be in that position again, and somehow I end up being that inadvertent OW and it frustrates me why I'm not the "first" woman again.

 

I do not intend to stick around with this idiot. Truth be told I kept talking to him a bit after I left on and off over skype or whatever, but after a while his lies and charms seemed less of a pull when he was far away so maybe the distance helped. The final straw was really when he sent me a text conversation he had with his supposed now-ex-girlfriend because she went a bit mad (i suppose with good reason) and starting literally making up stories that I was contacting her to "shove the relationshiP" he and I had in her face (I of course never did any such thing, she's as looney as he is apparently) and he was getting mad at me asking why i'd do such a thing.

 

I basically threw my hands up and realised how ridivculous this all was and how I did not need his drama or hers. They can have each other and be insane together. She once told me that he has a pathological lying problem and yet she stayed with him for over a year and a half so god knows I dont want to end up like her-- 40 years old with some younger man Im grasping onto for dear life despite his lies.

 

I'm still young enough to get a happy, normal relationship....I just wonder if I will ever bloody find one at the rate Im going. I try so hard to re-eximaine all my moves, my choices. I feel like I can take responsibility for choosing to stay in sh*t situations once they already present as such, but for the life of my I cant understand why I keep falling for these in the first place. I swear they seem like normal, nice men at first, so how is it that even when Im trying to go for who I think is a nice guy they end up like this?

 

And to answer the other person's queries-- he slept over a few times, but he lived in the suburbs and I lived in the city center so I never actually wanted to stay over his place (more convenient at mine so didnt think much of it at first). The fact that he would disappear on the weekend often claiming he had to "work late" should have been a big flag though. No man has to work late and still can't answer his phone at least once in the night....

 

UGH! I HATE MEN! I've found a new guy I'm sort of into (and trust me I generally do not jump from one to another, ive spent the majority of my life purposefully single....just seems I jump because the only time I come to post here is with a relationship issue ;-) ) but yet again its a strange situation. Met him right before I left the country for six months and am having a hell of a time separating feelings gained from talking to him every day for hours and hours versus the fact that we are apart for six months and he's dating other girls (and telling me everything he does....purports to want to be totally honest and hide nothing from me which i appreciate but im not sure emotionally i can handle another night knowing he's with someone). Anyway if you want to read on that i can post my problem here or you can search for my post in the general dating forum....didnt want to cross post though I must say I always find the most pleasant, sincere, awesome advice on the OW/OM board for some reason. ah well

[the_artist_1970]

<<QUOTE>> Ive been seeing him and really enjoying time with him. Once in a while he'd so something "off", or say something weird. Couldn't put my finger on it really. He had a viable excuse for why I could never come to his place (said he lived with family) and so we were always at my place. I kept asking to at least see his place but figured since his family is there he doesnt want to introduce someone he is seeing so soon. <<QUOTE>>

 

This is a really big red flag. Do not sleep with a guy until he invites you to his house and you know more about him. Do not allow yourself to invest that much time with a guy who tells you he can't take you to his house because he lives with family. So what he lives with family (which was a lie). Why can't you meet his family if you are giving him something so precious as your body. Hold back the cookie until you know the guy really well. It was a big mistake on your part to give it up too soon.

 

You don't have bad luck. You are subconsciously picking guys who are unavailable because deep down you are afraid of commitment. A good therapist could help you dissect why you shy away from real commitment.