I Broke NC

[zevahc]

I broke NC. I haven't really even told that to the people I've confided in from here...they may read this and realize that..i'll probably let them now.

 

For 6 months now I've been NC (or LC when you consider her tiny BC's). I've felt so strong the past 6 months little by little recovering...no feelings have been shared in 6 months with the exception of a i miss you once from her and my reply....that being said, we never got back into communicating about feelings etc...

 

Until today/this week. I stupidly sent her an email earlier this week telling her how I still felt the same way...no reply, nothing. Then today I apologized to which she told me she was moving forward. I mean...SHE IS doing the right thing. What I hate it I now feel just like I did last summer. I've been crying for the past 30 minutes. I haven't been on LS in months because I felt so much better and I truly feel like sometimes, often LS is a trigger that causes my mind to race more and more.

 

I just don't feel any different about her than I ever have. I still very much love her even her imperfections. I regret falling back in this week. I regret it because she obviously doesn't feel the same way. She has my heart and I do not have hers...I hope I can pick myself back up and heal again. I do believe it's possible...maybe. I don't know. I never felt myself loving her any less. I just felt myself living with and accepting that she would never be mine.

 

My heart is aching so bad...i hate this....i hate it all.

[zevahc]

BTW....she wants to be my friend...but she isn't willing to accept the fact that I still love her...that doesn't magically stop.

 

I know she feels that way too, but she is not threatened or jealous because I'm not with anyone else....i'm single, not really dating, and not married. She is "comfortable". The times I have dated she is miserable.....so right now she is fine and I am not..i'm a wreck. I can't handle it...there is no such thing as friends. It doesn't work that way with someone you love...i do not think it will ever be possible no matter how much I've thought I wanted it...because I don't see her like I do other female friends...It's so frustrating.

[Hope Shimmers]

BTW....she wants to be my friend...but she isn't willing to accept the fact that I still love her...that doesn't magically stop.

 

I know she feels that way too, but she is not threatened or jealous because I'm not with anyone else....i'm single, not really dating, and not married. She is "comfortable". The times I have dated she is miserable.....so right now she is fine and I am not..i'm a wreck. I can't handle it...there is no such thing as friends. It doesn't work that way with someone you love...i do not think it will ever be possible no matter how much I've thought I wanted it...because I don't see her like I do other female friends...It's so frustrating.

 

The only way it works to be friends is when you don't feel anything anymore (and you will get there) - and then you won't care if you are friends or not, so by then it will be a moot point.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. Now you know why it's a good idea to not get back into communication.

 

As for her moving forward and your status... your best "revenge" (perhaps not exactly the right word in this situation) is to move forward and live your life. As hard as that might seem now, it's where you need to focus your energies. Baby steps.

[Jllbcb]

Zevahc. I feel your pain. I am in much the same

Situation that you are. I too broke NC in April

And regretted it so much as she had obviously moved on.

The pain has lessened for me but has never gone

Completely away. I have moved more towards anger at how

I let myself be treated. I have no magical words of wisdom

But I will tell you that it has helped to realize I will never ever

Talk to her again. I feel for you. Hang in there!

[triniechu]

I hope you're ok!!

 

My ex was the one who broke up with me. I'm the one who still has the strong feelings for him, I honestly don't know how he feels about me since we haven't really talked since then. I did break NC a few days after and said I still want to work things out and still love him a lot. But as much as I love him, I do plan to let what we used to have go and MOVE FORWARD. Grow from our relationship. We actually still both want to be friends, but I know for a fact (since I still have strong feelings) it may take a long time for me to heal. There are times when I still feel betrayed and stabbed in the heart, but I need to forgive him in order to move on. I know once I forgive him completely and get over him completely, then we can be friends again.

There is definitely no time frame but for some people it may take awhile and for some it might not. Hope this helps.

[veryhappy]

Don't beat yourself up for reaching out to her. Unrequited love hurts. It also makes any friendship impossible.

[zevahc]

Thank you the encouragement. I agree friendship is impossible until I no longer care at which point it is a moot point.

 

I always wanted to believe my love for her could allow me to swallow my feelings and love her from arms length while she stayed M. Doesn't work. Just hurts.

 

For whatever she is missing in her M (likely embellished) it isn't enough for her to leave. She obviously doesn't choose me and I need to accept and want better for myself. More. Something with abundance and availability.

 

I am working to knock her off the pedestal I placed her own and get my own dignity back. I was doing so well. I truly regret breaking NC this week.

[triniechu]

Thank you the encouragement. I agree friendship is impossible until I no longer care at which point it is a moot point.

 

I always wanted to believe my love for her could allow me to swallow my feelings and love her from arms length while she stayed M. Doesn't work. Just hurts.

 

For whatever she is missing in her M (likely embellished) it isn't enough for her to leave. She obviously doesn't choose me and I need to accept and want better for myself. More. Something with abundance and availability.

 

I am working to knock her off the pedestal I placed her own and get my own dignity back. I was doing so well. I truly regret breaking NC this week.

 

Yeahhh don't be too hard on yourself. It happens! Trust me I did the same thing after I broke NC 4 days after we broke up! Ughhh I really wanted him back! But obviously I wasn't wanted and he didn't love me the way I loved him. I know there is someone out there for me. My soulmate is out there somewhere We just need to be strong

[ConfusedMarriedOW]

I am in the same position. I love him, I miss him but he is likely eating a cupcake and flirting with some other person online. It is a huge stab to the heart, ego, hope. I found that every time I broke no contact and he wouldn't respond as I had hoped, I would feel the pain renewed again like I had zero healing.

[zevahc]

Thanks again for the replies. I'm going to go read some of your stories. Since I've been off for awhile I've lost touch with who is currently posting. A lot of new faces so to speak.

 

I feel almost empty and weak today. Not numb, not better. I'm just exhausted.

 

Breaking NC and trying to dig back into how she feels and letting her know how I feel was a mistake. It's frustrating to me that she can drop a BC not even a month ago (i got a text saying "i miss you" to which I didn't reply), but when I express that I'm having a hard time then I get rocks thrown at me for being some weak person...

 

I can almost guarantee in the next 6 months as I resume NC she'll break and try to throw out something to boost her ego again. It kills me because I guess I'm just not hateful about it....while I didn't respond last time. Next time I think I'll tell her simply "you need to move on" like she told me.

 

Prayers for everyone today. I know I need them!!