Done!

[Teacherintrouble]

So we went on vacation, since we haven't been on one since our honeymoon. Husband is bipolar (sometimes medicated, sometimes not). This is the first time we have had enough money to go somewhere. We have been fighting and at each other's neck for over the past year, over money, him drinking too much, uncontrollable anger, drugs, not having enough sex. I am not in the mood to have sex with someone who doesn't shower, yells and screams obscenities at me, and is drunk. So before we leave, we make a list of things we will have to get once we get down there. One of them is shampoo and conditioner. Of course he gets drunk the first night, leaving me to tend to our toddler. He goes "shopping" pretty much forgetting everything I said I needed, including the conditioner. So we go to the beach today (the second day) and he proceeds to get drunk again. So I drive us home ( he passed out in the front seat). My 2year old son is crying because he is hungry, I am hungry, and need the supplies I asked for originally but never received. So I suggest stopping at krogers or walmart to get something for us to eat, and my stuff. He starts screaming at me that I am "tweaking" because of my doctor prescribed diet pills and that he said he was going to go once we got home and dropped us off. I just suggested how much easier it would be to stop on the way, because we were both so hungry. After yelling and screaming, he ended up going to a convenience store to get my conditioner, (still no toothpaste, shampoo, food) we came home. He flushed all my diet pills down the toilet in a rage, and left. I am here in the hotel room, with a toddler. If I do anything he feels is wrong or different from him, I am wrong and get yelled at, called every name under the sun and intimidated. He has pushed me, grabbed and shook me, and not let me leave in the past. I feel so alone and hate my relationship. I don't think this is how a marriage should be. According to him since he goes to work everyday it shouldn't matter if he drinks every night and passes out. He leaves huge messes for me everyday to clean up and is a slob. I feel like I am done, but need help. He is crazy being bipolar and I am afraid he is going to actually hurt me if I leave. What are your opinions?

[Salesbury]

How much longer are you on vacation? I was in a 7 year relationship w a drunk with increased drinking over the years. I would always be relieved when he would pass out at 6pm and I could relax alone. Though years of verbal abuse ended with a good beating. Definitely something you need to get out of!

[todreaminblue]

I think he needs help and i actually know you can't give it , it isnt going to get better only worse please seek professional help.....diet pills can make you tweak cause problems, but hsi are severe and not something you can deal with by yourself set up a support network of family and friends around you seek professional help......counselling family and couples....dont approach this guy you are with if he has been drinking please..if he has take your two year old and get otu fo the house stay with your parents or friends the next time he comes hoem drunk dotn argue dotn do anything ...pick your child up and walk out leave a note to say you will come back when he is sober to talk...............deb

[thekid36]

So we went on vacation, since we haven't been on one since our honeymoon. Husband is bipolar (sometimes medicated, sometimes not). This is the first time we have had enough money to go somewhere. We have been fighting and at each other's neck for over the past year, over money, him drinking too much, uncontrollable anger, drugs, not having enough sex. I am not in the mood to have sex with someone who doesn't shower, yells and screams obscenities at me, and is drunk. So before we leave, we make a list of things we will have to get once we get down there. One of them is shampoo and conditioner. Of course he gets drunk the first night, leaving me to tend to our toddler. He goes "shopping" pretty much forgetting everything I said I needed, including the conditioner. So we go to the beach today (the second day) and he proceeds to get drunk again. So I drive us home ( he passed out in the front seat). My 2year old son is crying because he is hungry, I am hungry, and need the supplies I asked for originally but never received. So I suggest stopping at krogers or walmart to get something for us to eat, and my stuff. He starts screaming at me that I am "tweaking" because of my doctor prescribed diet pills and that he said he was going to go once we got home and dropped us off. I just suggested how much easier it would be to stop on the way, because we were both so hungry. After yelling and screaming, he ended up going to a convenience store to get my conditioner, (still no toothpaste, shampoo, food) we came home. He flushed all my diet pills down the toilet in a rage, and left. I am here in the hotel room, with a toddler. If I do anything he feels is wrong or different from him, I am wrong and get yelled at, called every name under the sun and intimidated. He has pushed me, grabbed and shook me, and not let me leave in the past. I feel so alone and hate my relationship. I don't think this is how a marriage should be. According to him since he goes to work everyday it shouldn't matter if he drinks every night and passes out. He leaves huge messes for me everyday to clean up and is a slob. I feel like I am done, but need help. He is crazy being bipolar and I am afraid he is going to actually hurt me if I leave. What are your opinions?

 

I have an ex who was bipolar and she would go on and off pills without permission of a professional. So, some of what you are saying rings some bells.

 

First of all, you do not deserve to be treated like this. He is emotionally and physically abusing you.

 

Second, it makes no difference whether he has a chemical imbalance or not. I cannot tell you how long it took me to realize this. He is really not your responsibility. Nor, is anything you say or do going to change him at all. He gets upset for no reason and without warning because it is simply how this disorder tends to be. He does not have the ability to be rational. Staying with him will likely cause you continual physical and emotional chaos.

 

Not sure that he will hurt anyone should you decide to leave. But, do you want to live within fear forever? Never let your life changing decisions be based solely on the actions of others. There has to be a way out of this should that be the route you choose to take.

Edited July 4, 2014 by thekid36

[soccerrprp]

So we went on vacation, since we haven't been on one since our honeymoon. Husband is bipolar (sometimes medicated, sometimes not). This is the first time we have had enough money to go somewhere. We have been fighting and at each other's neck for over the past year, over money, him drinking too much, uncontrollable anger, drugs, not having enough sex. I am not in the mood to have sex with someone who doesn't shower, yells and screams obscenities at me, and is drunk. So before we leave, we make a list of things we will have to get once we get down there. One of them is shampoo and conditioner. Of course he gets drunk the first night, leaving me to tend to our toddler. He goes "shopping" pretty much forgetting everything I said I needed, including the conditioner. So we go to the beach today (the second day) and he proceeds to get drunk again. So I drive us home ( he passed out in the front seat). My 2year old son is crying because he is hungry, I am hungry, and need the supplies I asked for originally but never received. So I suggest stopping at krogers or walmart to get something for us to eat, and my stuff. He starts screaming at me that I am "tweaking" because of my doctor prescribed diet pills and that he said he was going to go once we got home and dropped us off. I just suggested how much easier it would be to stop on the way, because we were both so hungry. After yelling and screaming, he ended up going to a convenience store to get my conditioner, (still no toothpaste, shampoo, food) we came home. He flushed all my diet pills down the toilet in a rage, and left. I am here in the hotel room, with a toddler. If I do anything he feels is wrong or different from him, I am wrong and get yelled at, called every name under the sun and intimidated. He has pushed me, grabbed and shook me, and not let me leave in the past. I feel so alone and hate my relationship. I don't think this is how a marriage should be. According to him since he goes to work everyday it shouldn't matter if he drinks every night and passes out. He leaves huge messes for me everyday to clean up and is a slob. I feel like I am done, but need help. He is crazy being bipolar and I am afraid he is going to actually hurt me if I leave. What are your opinions?

 

He's already hurting you and your child. He will certainly hurt you if you don't leave. Have courage and make plans to leave this abusive relationship. If not for you, then for your innocent child. Perhaps you leaving will open his eyes, but doubt that any change will last.

[soccerrprp]

So we went on vacation, since we haven't been on one since our honeymoon. Husband is bipolar (sometimes medicated, sometimes not). This is the first time we have had enough money to go somewhere. We have been fighting and at each other's neck for over the past year, over money, him drinking too much, uncontrollable anger, drugs, not having enough sex. I am not in the mood to have sex with someone who doesn't shower, yells and screams obscenities at me, and is drunk. So before we leave, we make a list of things we will have to get once we get down there. One of them is shampoo and conditioner. Of course he gets drunk the first night, leaving me to tend to our toddler. He goes "shopping" pretty much forgetting everything I said I needed, including the conditioner. So we go to the beach today (the second day) and he proceeds to get drunk again. So I drive us home ( he passed out in the front seat). My 2year old son is crying because he is hungry, I am hungry, and need the supplies I asked for originally but never received. So I suggest stopping at krogers or walmart to get something for us to eat, and my stuff. He starts screaming at me that I am "tweaking" because of my doctor prescribed diet pills and that he said he was going to go once we got home and dropped us off. I just suggested how much easier it would be to stop on the way, because we were both so hungry. After yelling and screaming, he ended up going to a convenience store to get my conditioner, (still no toothpaste, shampoo, food) we came home. He flushed all my diet pills down the toilet in a rage, and left. I am here in the hotel room, with a toddler. If I do anything he feels is wrong or different from him, I am wrong and get yelled at, called every name under the sun and intimidated. He has pushed me, grabbed and shook me, and not let me leave in the past. I feel so alone and hate my relationship. I don't think this is how a marriage should be. According to him since he goes to work everyday it shouldn't matter if he drinks every night and passes out. He leaves huge messes for me everyday to clean up and is a slob. I feel like I am done, but need help. He is crazy being bipolar and I am afraid he is going to actually hurt me if I leave. What are your opinions?

 

He's already hurting you and your child. He will certainly hurt you if you don't leave. Have courage and make plans to leave this abusive relationship. If not for you, then for your innocent child. Perhaps you leaving will open his eyes, but doubt that any change will last.

 

This is NOT what a healthy marriage is about...ever! Don't fall into the trap of thinking he will change when he could have by now. Don't fall into the trap giving chance after chance and the next thing you know another year or more has evaporated with no change in sight. Find friends, family for support.

 

Good luck. Be safe.

[The Like Fairy]

Leave this roller coaster ASAP.

[whichwayisup]

He needs help and right now he is incapable of being a husband to you, let alone a good father to your child.

 

The best thing that can happen is, get your family on board for support and talk to his family (parents, siblings etc) and let them know that things are bad and ask them to help you get him into AA, as well as counseling.

 

It's one thing to just deal with the mental illness, but throw in the drug use and booze, that's an awful combination and too much to cope with.

 

He needs to move out.

[jakrbbt]

Call a lawyer; many will do a first-time consult for free. Some do a very reduced hourly rate for a first-time appointment. I think you will feel a lot better knowing what the options are for you and your family looking forward. You are next to powerless now, and you need to get strength, courage, and knowledge. That way you can make a series of decisions, which someone in your family has to. From where I sit, it sounds like an immediate separation is in order at least.

 

Call a domestic violence advocacy center-- do you have one nearby? They may be a great resource even if you're not at the point where he has injured you. If you don't know whether a domestic violence advocacy center is appropriate for your situation, tell them that.

 

I'd look into joining an Al-Anon group. I know you have a toddler and are perhaps under a lot of time constraints, but I bet you that many in Al-Anon have gone though something similar. They have a very good support group online too.

 

And lastly, look at the forest, not just the trees. All the little horrible frustrating fights with your husband, all the injustices-- those are the trees. They are a big deal, no doubt, and I would wallow for ages in the pain and indignation of things like that (in fact, I have). But at some point you should get beyond tallying up the unfairness of each crappy interaction (it's almost as though you had to plead to someone and convince them that you really are in a bad situation. You know what? You have convinced me. You are in a bad situation.) The forest is your situation. It is not good. It has to change, and you need to make the decisions necessary to change it. IT, not him. This is not a marriage where one spouse keeps leaving the dishes out and the other spouse is too defensive and they have to learn how to communicate better and then all is good. You are not going to guide this guy into healthier behavior. Your life will very likely stay this way AND get worse, as will your son's.

 

I don't know what the next step is for you, whether it's immediate separation and then some marriage counseling if and when your husband is in AA, or whether it is divorce, or going to family members or even talking to him first. But I'd do two things: 1) see a lawyer and 2) decide on a next step and do it.

 

Keep us posted if you will.

[trippi1432]

I'm sorry, but I'm going to say DO NOT GO TO AL-ANON!! I did that in year one and again in year 15 trying to understand it....YOU CAN'T. All I saw there were a bunch of women who beat themselves up because they couldn't fix their husband's.....if you want some help being co-dependent, then by all means, but if you want to live your life and raise your child in peace knowing you did the right thing, consult an attorney and leave now.

 

Honestly, you can't fix him. Leaving him won't make him change, he is who he is and he will always be just who he is. You deserve better, your child deserves better.

 

Real help, starts with you: Articles | Self Empowerment, Personal Growth, Awareness : Melanie Tonia Evans

[jakrbbt]

Well, I'd listen to Trippi over me, because I've never been to Al-Anon. I've only heard good things about it second and even third-hand, but I did like many aspects of their website when I poked around on it some time ago.

 

And I agree, you can only change yourself. A good book along those lines: "Codependent No More."

Edited July 8, 2014 by jakrbbt

[beach]

So we went on vacation, since we haven't been on one since our honeymoon. Husband is bipolar (sometimes medicated, sometimes not). This is the first time we have had enough money to go somewhere. We have been fighting and at each other's neck for over the past year, over money, him drinking too much, uncontrollable anger, drugs, not having enough sex. I am not in the mood to have sex with someone who doesn't shower, yells and screams obscenities at me, and is drunk. So before we leave, we make a list of things we will have to get once we get down there. One of them is shampoo and conditioner. Of course he gets drunk the first night, leaving me to tend to our toddler. He goes "shopping" pretty much forgetting everything I said I needed, including the conditioner. So we go to the beach today (the second day) and he proceeds to get drunk again. So I drive us home ( he passed out in the front seat). My 2year old son is crying because he is hungry, I am hungry, and need the supplies I asked for originally but never received. So I suggest stopping at krogers or walmart to get something for us to eat, and my stuff. He starts screaming at me that I am "tweaking" because of my doctor prescribed diet pills and that he said he was going to go once we got home and dropped us off. I just suggested how much easier it would be to stop on the way, because we were both so hungry. After yelling and screaming, he ended up going to a convenience store to get my conditioner, (still no toothpaste, shampoo, food) we came home. He flushed all my diet pills down the toilet in a rage, and left. I am here in the hotel room, with a toddler. If I do anything he feels is wrong or different from him, I am wrong and get yelled at, called every name under the sun and intimidated. He has pushed me, grabbed and shook me, and not let me leave in the past. I feel so alone and hate my relationship. I don't think this is how a marriage should be. According to him since he goes to work everyday it shouldn't matter if he drinks every night and passes out. He leaves huge messes for me everyday to clean up and is a slob. I feel like I am done, but need help. He is crazy being bipolar and I am afraid he is going to actually hurt me if I leave. What are your opinions?

 

What are you done with?

 

What are the steps you plan to take to get to your goal of having it done (whatever your done is)?

[trippi1432]

Well, I'd listen to Trippi over me, because I've never been to Al-Anon. I've only heard good things about it second and even third-hand, but I did like many aspects of their website when I poked around on it some time ago.

 

And I agree, you can only change yourself. A good book along those lines: "Codependent No More."

 

There are some good things about Al-Anon..their help line is the reason I didn't drown my exH after a drinking binge with his buddies and passed out head first in the bathtub in the dark. Our kids were happy to see me after my 12 hour shift at work, which was the biggest problem according to him...my job. In the end, I wasn't the girl sitting on the couch eating Bon Bons....but you have to understand the alcoholic dynamic.....you only have value when you are serving them. And, in the end....someone has to be responsible...welcome to co-dependency.

 

Loved Melody Beatty when I was in therapy...but even she became a push-over. I was empowered by an affair and pregnancy to turn my back on a 6th recon from a serial cheat with my first exH...I had to examine why I stayed with the second who I thought was faithful but much more damaged. Empowerment is knowing it's not your problem to take on, and you can still love the person who can't help themselves..............but you can have a line in the sand for the out clause. My ex...he stepped over it when he was screwing me and another woman...

 

My question to the OP...why are you on diet pills to begin with? Is it for YOU or for HIM? Seems he finds a vulnerability where he can. Men like this don't understand what that really is..........it's more important to control what they can't control. They try to control your emotions.....the example is in your post tbh.

 

First....don't give him an emotional response...ever. You have to recognize the dragon you are feeding.