OpenBook Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Yeah, I did therapy about 30 years ago during my divorce. I don't know if it was me or the therapists I saw, but it just seemed like a bunch of navel-gazing, churning and churning over the same issues, with no resolution. Analysis paralysis! I wish they'd had CBT back then, I think that would have been a much more effective approach. Nowadays, God is my therapist. :D:D 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 Nowadays, God is my therapist. :D:D All therapists think they're God. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Anela Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 In the end, one has to sit back and think that she's just a spoiled brat who has been catered to her entire adult life. Therapy was just another crutch and her therapists were enablers. She could be in a lot of pain over something that can't be fixed. You can't really put a time limit on depression. I thought about trying therapy recently - I had the chance for free therapy a couple of years ago, but other things were going on, and I resented being the only one who was supposed to go, when I wasn't the problem. But part of me feels as though there's no point, because I have my brief high points, but then I fall back down - sometimes too easily. I'm not bipolar, either. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 She could be in a lot of pain over something that can't be fixed. You can't really put a time limit on depression. I thought about trying therapy recently - I had the chance for free therapy a couple of years ago, but other things were going on, and I resented being the only one who was supposed to go, when I wasn't the problem. But part of me feels as though there's no point, because I have my brief high points, but then I fall back down - sometimes too easily. I'm not bipolar, either. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. Thats too bad.... I dunno about therapy.....Ive tried it...It didnt really help any...Its kinda cliche, but its true... Only you can help yourself.....Somehow/someway you need to find that which is missing and use it to lead a fulfilling life... I cant say it will work for all, and I dont follow it, but I have seen people make remarkable transformations with accepting of religion/faith into their lives...Again, I dont want to start a debate..I only report that which I observe.. I hope you find happiness and fulfillment in your life..You have a lot of living left.. TFY Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) She could be in a lot of pain over something that can't be fixed. You can't really put a time limit on depression. I thought about trying therapy recently - I had the chance for free therapy a couple of years ago, but other things were going on, and I resented being the only one who was supposed to go, when I wasn't the problem. But part of me feels as though there's no point, because I have my brief high points, but then I fall back down - sometimes too easily. I'm not bipolar, either. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. I wasn't putting a time limit on depression. I was suggesting a time limit for the usefulness of therapy. It has never helped with her depression. It is hard to not be somewhat resentful over the way she abused my uncle. The poor guy worked his arse off his entire life and made tons of money, but it was never enough. With her it was always more, more, more... poor me, look what I don't have... more, more, more... Edited July 6, 2014 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
FitChick Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 It is hard to not be somewhat resentful over the way she abused my uncle. We teach people how to treat us. He is getting something out of this arrangement. Maybe he wants pity. Maybe he has a mistress. Ask him. Link to post Share on other sites
Robert Z Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 (edited) We teach people how to treat us. He is getting something out of this arrangement. Maybe he wants pity. Maybe he has a mistress. Ask him. Like me, he was raised Catholic and doesn't [didn't] believe in divorce. It is far too late for him now. But I'm his hero. Back before we had the internet, we didn't really have a point of reference other than our own lives and those of friends. My mother abused the hell out of my father, my aunt abused my uncle, everywhere I was surrounded by strong and demanding women, so when my wife started abusing and disrespecting me, I just assumed it was normal. No doubt my uncle too was clueless in this regard for most of his life. Traditional [religious] marriage was effectively designed as a trap from which there was no escape... till death do us part. Oh the irony!!!!! I was just remembering how, at one point in our lives where he was ready to leave her and I was hyper religious, I talked him out of it. Jeeeeeeez... I hope he doesn't remember that! Edited July 6, 2014 by Robert Z Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 All therapists think they're God. All generalizations are unreliable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serial muse Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 All generalizations are unreliable. Ha! OP, I am one who hesitated to post in your thread because it read to me as hostile to therapy and likely to be sarcastic to someone who wanted to defend it, even in a mild way. I changed my mind because you seemed to be taking the lack of pro-therapy responses to your particular thread as somehow indicative of something. So I'll add my data to it, FWIW. I am not a therapist and I'm not going to say it works for everyone and is perfect. But I am generally pro-therapy, because it helped me personally, after my divorce, to process my exH's cheating and the aftermath of depression and self-loathing that that situation left me to deal with. I was in a dark place and it was a lifeline. Call that narcissism if you want, but I needed help and I got it. I did see a couple of different people before I found someone I could work well with. That's part of the process and it's problematic, I agree - because someone in deep pain isn't necessarily in a position to evaluate that sort of thing carefully or effectively, and frankly, someone with limited financial resources will have equally limited options. Also, because I am a research-oriented person, I did my homework and figured out the right style of therapy for me (CBT) and found someone to see. That is also not necessarily something that would be available to someone in crisis or without the right resources to do that. So that's also problematic. And yes, therapists are indeed human and the quality of care and insight is going to vary. On the plus side, I think most of them will admit as much. I've never met a therapist who considered herself God. That said, I've only ever worked with women. I certainly agree that some people can go to therapy for years and get into a kind of a rut and it's just enabling them. I also think, however, that the people in my life who are most vehemently anti-therapy tend to be intelligent and self-analytical people with HUGE blind spots about why they themselves are stuck in their particular ruts. Therapy can shed light right on those blind spots, and it would do some of them a world of good to face those things. So there's that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Marriage counseling...couples therapy...was a huge factor in the successful reconciliation of our marriage after my wife's affair. Something I've rarely talked about...and honestly not even discussed in detail with my wife...was my therapy/treatment for PTSD. It saved my life. Literally. Had I not got the counseling when I did...I would have committed suicide. I thought I was immune to something as silly as 'combat fatigue'. Emotionally/mentally...I'm as strong as they come. That **** wasn't going to bother me. It was in the past, it had absolutely no bearing on things when I "came home". Only I didn't "come home". Every day...I was still 'there'. Habits started creeping in. Scanning treelines, rooftops, unconsciously avoiding choke points. Being surrounded by people started bothering the hell out of me...more and more and more and more. I was driving my friends crazy. Didn't even know it...and given that they didn't know where I'd been, they couldn't understand what the hell was wrong with me. I didn't know what was wrong with me. It took my therapist less than an hour to figure it out...WITHOUT knowing my background. Took him just a few more sessions to help me work out some coping skills that worked. So...there's an example for you of a situation where they DID help. It didn't take a thousand sessions of wasted time talking about useless things. I still use the things I learned then to help me cope now...decades later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Excalibur1814 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 (edited) so what did therapy do for you? I opted for regression and, thankfully, it did change my emotional stability. Mild little things like accepting certain parts of my life and, the biggie, realising that I'm THERE for myself. That thought alone removed my dependency on others and fear of being left 'alone' which arrived from when I was born and separated for 9 weeks. Long story Edited July 9, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Personal information redacted Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted July 10, 2014 Author Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) , I opted for regression and, thankfully, it did change my emotional stability. Mild little things like accepting certain parts of my life and, the biggie, realising that I'm THERE for myself. That thought alone removed my dependency on others and fear of being left 'alone' which arrived from when I was born and separated for 9 weeks. Long story how much did all of this cost? including the long story you mention, the case of suffering the 9 week abandonement... i never got over mine, not with therapy, i remain a loner, never to top a family tree...i spent money on time-wasters, i know trimmer will tell me off, but dammit, i was young vulnerable and trusting when i went to the therapists, they had no right advertise and book me in...i was emotional at being lost, minus a family lovingly saying to be careful, as they do over life generally... therapists should indeed give refunds and not just eff around the young and vulnerable, i do belive with one of them i was a soft and kinda stupid target as things turned out... Edited July 10, 2014 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 what did therapy do for you? My exW and I would never have divorced amicably without it. Today, nearly four years later, that's a gift which keeps giving every day. It saved the sanity that I was slowly losing caring for a demented person It helped me process the same, and new, emotions in healthier ways, primarily seeing more clearly the choices attached to emotions, rather than them being a one-way street. It helped me gain real understanding and respect for something I had studied many years ago in college, psychology. Cost-wise, compared to the costs of a contested divorce, our psychologist saved both of us a ton of money. To put a fine point on it, therapy allowed me to take my exW to the courthouse, file our final dissolution papers with the court, stop by the funeral home and pick up my mother's remains, and take my exW to lunch to celebrate it all being over and feel positive about that, even today. Indeed, life goes on. Enjoy it. It's brief. Other's experiences differ. That's what life is all about! Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 (edited) Here, where I am from, anyone can take on title "counselor" and open a shop. There are very few laws regulating that job title. The ones with Medical degrees(Psychiatry/Psychology) have High levels of competency in my area. They are held to a high standard for legal reasons. I am 100% certain that its the subject (patient/client) that has to do the work. Its like saying all teachers are incompetent because the child didnt apply the subject matter and failed the class. Counselors and Therepist do not Diagnose they are cautioned against that since only medical can make a diagnosis. Couselors and Therepist can relay a prognosis of what can be if the client applies themselves. They guide and orchestrate. The Client primarily has to be willing to want the guidance , and then apply the recommendations or suggestions. I had four therepist - One when I was a teen, she deserved to go in the hall of shame. Very Bias and Shared all my discussions with my parents. Which I thought broke the level of trust. Second Therepist walked me thru rehabilitation, Never judged, simply pointed out other ways to accomplish matters. Third therepist did wonders in family reconstruction , I needed to redefine my parental role and work with my children to bridge some family issues. Fourth Therpist which I see once a month is working with anxiety and PTSD. Its been a pleasure to show regard for that profession, they put up with alotta of Bull5hi* that is tossed their way. Sat in group therepy once and laughed til I cried....its amazing the amount of BS people tell themselves and others. Getting honest is soo hard for some folks. Being judgementally critical is not the same as genuine honesty. Edited July 10, 2014 by Tayla Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 , how much did all of this cost? including the long story you mention, the case of suffering the 9 week abandonement... i never got over mine, not with therapy, i remain a loner, never to top a family tree...i spent money on time-wasters, i know trimmer will tell me off, but dammit, i was young vulnerable and trusting when i went to the therapists, they had no right advertise and book me in...i was emotional at being lost, minus a family lovingly saying to be careful, as they do over life generally... therapists should indeed give refunds and not just eff around the young and vulnerable, i do belive with one of them i was a soft and kinda stupid target as things turned out... Not at all, man... I'm sorry for your experience - I completely accept if you propose that therapy is not for everyone, and there are unquestionably some incompetent ones out there. My whole point in this thread has been that I don't agree if you say therapy isn't for anyone, and there can be no competent ones out there. I am more empathetic and good-hearted than you may believe, and I'm sorry your road was so rough. Link to post Share on other sites
Excalibur1814 Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 , how much did all of this cost? including the long story you mention, the case of suffering the 9 week abandonement... i never got over mine, not with therapy, i remain a loner, never to top a family tree...i spent money on time-wasters, i know trimmer will tell me off, but dammit, i was young vulnerable and trusting when i went to the therapists, they had no right advertise and book me in...i was emotional at being lost, minus a family lovingly saying to be careful, as they do over life generally... therapists should indeed give refunds and not just eff around the young and vulnerable, i do belive with one of them i was a soft and kinda stupid target as things turned out... For me it was finding the right person and I was lucky to find someone that had left the profession due to some of the things you stated. The lady didn't like the fact that it was more about the cash than actually 'helping'. Then again as long as the therapist doesn't become something of a mechanic (You know the type... Looks at you daft when you want oil changing as it's supposed to be easy). It was around £35 and I only went, initially, six times as that's all it seemed to require. I had headaches after each visit probably due to the emotion displayed. She did state that it wasn't for everyone and it all depended on WHY/HOW the issue(s) started. Either way there is always hope... shame that you have to find someone that's actually good 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 11, 2014 Share Posted July 11, 2014 I had counselling several years back. The first counsellor was hopeless. Basically, a nurse who had been put through CBT training, and my general impression of her was that she saw it as a low stress alternative to nursing. I constantly got the vibe that she was intimidated by me, and my focus in the sessions was primarily about putting her at her ease and pretending that the sessions were doing any sort of good. Eventually the doctor who had referred me asked how the sessions were going. I gave her an "off the record" report and she agreed that it wasn't working out. Then I was referred to a guy who really knew his stuff. This was somebody who was evidently interested and involved. I told him early on that I had a tendency to try to adopt the role of professional in sessions (since that's the role I'm more used to and comfortable in) but that I would try not to do it. He told me not to worry about that, and that I should approach the sessions in whatever way sat best with me. So basically he could handle very easily the aspects of me that might be challenging for a counsellor. His manner was friendly but detached and professional...and he was seriously good. He seemed to know exactly what was needed, was very focused and got me back on track within a few sessions. The last session was more chatty than "work" and he noted that this indicated our work was done. I think counselling is probably a far more difficult task to perform competently and effectively than people realise. There's far more to it than just being a nice, non-judgemental person who will listen patiently (and unfortunately from what I've heard, there are quite a few counsellors out there who can't even manage to do that). 5 Link to post Share on other sites
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