When did you really give up hope?

[lovebug_5858]

I feel like I'm on the brink of breaking NC. How do you deal with her saying hi?

Doesnt it give you hope still?

I'm sure that was the better choice, and you should be proud of yourself

[lovebug_5858]

I don't know, maybe I am further down the road than I thought. I do miss her horribly, but I have accepted that she won't be back. I was upset at myself for how much I still miss her, but seeing what you all write, maybe I am being too hard on myself

 

I feel that way all the time, I beat myself up over being sad and missing him. But I suppose its just a natural thing we all go through.

We'll get through it!

[lovebug_5858]

My ex and I have been broken up for four months and have had no contact for three months. I am starting to lose hope now, but it's not completely gone. I don't want to go into details about my ex's life and personality, but suffice it to say that there are things about him that make it extra hard for him to find a mate than it is for most males. And it's not about his looks (he's handsome). It's just other stuff.

 

So basically what I'm saying is that...he may have a hard time finding a woman (the fact that he got me does mean he's capable of getting a woman, but many people tell me that I'm an anomaly in not being put off by a certain thing about him.) Anyway, my point is that I don't tend to lose hope completely until an ex is actually with another person. Now, I do think I will lose hope if he's not with someone else but even more time passes, though. When we talked a month after the breakup, it was rather explosive all over again. So I kinda count that day as a re-break-up (erupting of negativity). I consider he and I to have been apart for three months -- removed from negativity, that is.) In a way, I think it's still early.

 

In other threads, people say their therapists say things like...reconciliation time is often between 3 and 6 months. Those are considered short-term reconciliations anyway.

 

I'm not as torn up as I was two months ago. I love my ex and want to be with him. But I'm losing the major emotional turmoil I was experiencing before. I can even fathom being with someone other than him. It's just that no one has come along so far, and I've not had any context for new romance in my life.

 

Good job on NC for three months, that's really really good. My perspective on a lot of things has changed in my one month and I'm sure you must have thought of everything up and down, left and right in your 3 months.

I also think that once I see him with someone else or if enough time goes by, I will lose hope as well.

[dlz]

it's been 2.5 months NC for me and i've only just started giving up hope.. and tbh, it is LIBERATING. the 2 months or so i just kept on wondering whether he would ever come to the realisation that he's made a mistake. i've spent so many days crying and staying in bed, not eating for the entire day, showing up late to work, falling behind in law school, and just feeling a little bit sorry for myself, but at the end of the day you just have to remind yourself that you deserve better. with my breakup, i was completely blindsided. i was heartbroken. but when i look back, things are much clearer now - my relationship was so unhealthy. i felt so lonely in the relationship, neglected, taken for granted, and unappreciated, and my ex was just completely selfish and inconsiderate. he left me when i needed him the most. no way am i going back to that again.

[whydidthishappentome]

Well, let's see. It's been over a year now that I finally went NC after he told me he moved on only after months of me trying to get him to contact me. Found out he was on a dating site. Within a year, he is now married, which I found out just a month ago. I hoped he missed me during the past year only to find out he replaced me and was having a great time, buying a house, vacations, and planning a second wedding. Now I hope after rushing into this marriage with a woman who really was a husband hunter and really didn't have a lot going for her, that it will fail and he'll regret it and maybe think back on me, the one who got away. Now, is that wishful thinking? Yeah, guess so, but it could happen! So have I given up hope? Secretly no. Realistically I should, but just not today.

[Heartbroken_84]

it's been 2.5 months NC for me and i've only just started giving up hope.. and tbh, it is LIBERATING. the 2 months or so i just kept on wondering whether he would ever come to the realisation that he's made a mistake. i've spent so many days crying and staying in bed, not eating for the entire day, showing up late to work, falling behind in law school, and just feeling a little bit sorry for myself, but at the end of the day you just have to remind yourself that you deserve better. with my breakup, i was completely blindsided. i was heartbroken. but when i look back, things are much clearer now - my relationship was so unhealthy. i felt so lonely in the relationship, neglected, taken for granted, and unappreciated, and my ex was just completely selfish and inconsiderate. he left me when i needed him the most. no way am i going back to that again.

 

OMG that is exactly like my ex!!!!!

[lucaslode]

Here's how I managed to cope with my partner breaking up with me after 9 years and already being involved with another man before she dumped me:

 

1) I allowed myself to grieve:

What ever emotions I felt at the time she dumped me and for many days thereafter I allowed myself to feel these emotions honestly and truthfully, whether it was anger, hatred, sadness, feeling stupid, taken advantage of and what not.

 

2) I checked my relationship:

Once I let my emotions have their way out of my system I began to feel much more relaxed and at ease. I took the time to analyse my 9 years old relationship and was brutally honest if I had done my best during those 9 years to make my relationship the best it could be. I realized I failed at times but for the most part I had done my very best and had been devoted, caring, loving and giving throughout our time together.

 

I realized that no matter what I could have done extra would not have made a difference in the end and would have possibly only delayed the breakup.

 

3) I made a list:

I made a T-list of my ex. On the left side I listed all her good qualities, the once I truly loved and liked about her. On the right side of the T column I listed all her 'bad' qualities; the once that had aggravated me and upset me over the years we were together.

 

In the end I had more good qualities than bad but the bad qualities were so bad they outweighed the good. I realized the breakup was a 'blessing' for me because for the past 9 years I was so head over heels in love I was blindsided by her bad qualities and let her slide time and again.

 

4) Forgave my ex and myself:

In my heart I forgave myself for my short comings during our relationship but realized I had been a good man, who had been loyal, devoted and committed.

 

In my heart I forgave my ex for hurting me the way she did, for taking me for a fool, for using me. I wished her all the best and hold no grudges, revenge or anger towards her.

 

5) I am A OK:

Just 3 weeks after breaking up, I have made a complete 360 degree turn around. I am feeling fantastic, am more alive than I have ever been in the past 9 years, enjoy my freedom and am much more happy all around.

 

It's as if my ex smelled the positive vibe coming from the 'new me' in the air. She's texted me, emailed me, called me and even told a mutual friend of ours "she's absolutely loving the new me!".

 

That makes me feel even more exuberant.

 

Do I still miss her? Yes!

Do I still have her in my heart? Yes!

Do I still love her? Yes!

Am I hopeful she may come back? Yes!

Am I putting my life on hold until she does? Absolutely NOT!!

[Itspointless]

I'm sure that was the better choice, and you should be proud of yourself

Well it did not feel as a good choice as she got ill again. We werent that long together yet. When she broke up she finally told me what she had to face. I knew somewhat longer that her health wasn't well and that something was wrong again. She wanted to do it alone as she had done before. I wanted to be there for her. She was dismissive-avoidant attached (I think in the spectrum near fearful). Any-way thank you

Edited July 5, 2014 by Itspointless

[hoping2heal]

I went complete and total NC for 6 weeks (this was before I even knew what NC was LOL) The 6 weeks, felt like a year. It was brutal. Excruciating. A few days after the BU, he had e-mailed saying I didn't know how much he loved me, yada yada yada. So, that of course gave me a spark of hope. I didn't go NC to get him back - I went NC so I wouldn't look like a desperate moron. I thought with time he'd decide to take me back since he "loved" me so much :rolleyes:

 

Fast fwd the end of the 6 weeks, I decide to write and mail him a letter. Poured my heart out. 2 weeks later I hear from him, he still doesn't want to reconcile. My heart broke harder than the first time. Another month passes, and I lie to myself. Tell myself I can handle a friendship, it's got to hurt less than not having him in my life at all, etc.

 

So, we're in contact again and I'm an emotional roller coaster. High as a kite when he contacts, and low as the depths of the sea when he doesn't. Then, it starts again. He begins telling me how depressed he's been since the split, that he hasn't started seeing anyone (I didn't ask for ANY of this info I was completely platonic and he just starts randomly pouring his heart out). Again, I think..oh gawd there's hope. I just have to be patient and wait it out. Another month passes and I'm officially tired of waiting. He'd gven me so many breadcrumbs in that time. Posting our old song and proclaiming it as his "favorite" on social network (hehehehe so legit, right??) making jokes about our future children, yada yada yada. I mean damn, it all looked so promising..at least to me it sure did. This just didn't seem like the actions of a man who wasn't still in love and wanting to get back together realizng he'd made a mistake.

 

So, I finally break down cause I can't take it any longer. Basically tell him to **** or get off the pot. If he wants me, tell me now and if he doesn't tell me that too and I'm moving on - completely - no more contact, etc. cause this crap was doing a butcher job on my emotions. He has nothing to say about it..so I wait. Days pass and I start to think about things. Things like, why did he throw all those breadcrumbs at me? Why did he do something so hurtful to me? I start to realize I don't trust him, that I can't trust him with my heart. He isn't careful with it, and he's okay at hurting me as long as he gets his rise out of it.

 

Not really the kind of person I want to get married to or have children with. After the months of hell on earth emotional pain, I just couldn't hang on any longer. Part of me wanted to, but there was finally an even bigger part that didn't. I quit seeing him in the candlelight glow, and started seeing the truth. Everyone has flaws - no one is perfect, but my gawd the least of things I need is to feel like the man I give my heart to will be considerate of it. That doesn't mean doing everything I want, or getting back together with me - but don't throw a bunch of breadcrumbs at me, do the push pull for the summer, and emotionally hurt me.

 

So, I went NC and never looked back. He's made multiple attempts to contact me in the years since but I've never replied, responded, read, etc. In retrospect, I could realize that there were obvious signs the whole time that he couldn't be trusted to do right by me, I just never wanted to admit them. They were subtle enough that I could rationalize it as "nobodys perfect" but in the end, it all bit me in the ass. Good learning experience for sure.

[lovebug_5858]

Hoping2Heal,

How long were you two together?

I feel like I'm in the spot you were.

[hoping2heal]

Together a year. BU was 6 years ago (told ya it had been awhile) but I think these life lessons never "go out of date".

[lovebug_5858]

Together a year. BU was 6 years ago (told ya it had been awhile) but I think these life lessons never "go out of date".

Oh wow, yeah it has been a while but I completely agree. Thank you for sharing your wisdom with me.

[hoping2heal]

If it gives you "hope" in a good way...I met someone else

 

Someone who WAS careful and considerate of my heart and could love me how I needed. If I had gone back to my ex, I would have missed the gem of a person I met down the line. Good ones are out there, but you can't find them if you're tied down to the wrong one. I know people have all kinds of theories and notions about soulmates and true love. I don't know about any of that - but what I have learned from experience - is that soulmate or one true love or not - the person who will be careful with your heart and give you love as it's supposed to be - and not pain, anguish, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, bla bla bla bla - THAT is the one. That's the guy (or gal) you want. But again, you have to be open when that one comes along.

[lovebug_5858]

If it gives you "hope" in a good way...I met someone else

 

Someone who WAS careful and considerate of my heart and could love me how I needed. If I had gone back to my ex, I would have missed the gem of a person I met down the line. Good ones are out there, but you can't find them if you're tied down to the wrong one. I know people have all kinds of theories and notions about soulmates and true love. I don't know about any of that - but what I have learned from experience - is that soulmate or one true love or not - the person who will be careful with your heart and give you love as it's supposed to be - and not pain, anguish, anxiety, insecurity, doubt, bla bla bla bla - THAT is the one. That's the guy (or gal) you want. But again, you have to be open when that one comes along.

 

Well, that's wonderful

I am super glad to hear that, and am very happy for you.

I love Love, and I think that's what played a big part in me not wanting to let go but I really hope that I can find someone like that down the road as well, I'm not looking for anything right now but it wouldn't be terrible if a great person showed up in my life.

[Paige1377]

As soon as possible I waited a year and a half for my ex...now I feel I different...patience is not a virtue in the wars of love...time is...give it time and you will feel so much better...I promise

[Brokenguy22]

As much as I tell my self I have given up, there is a glimmer of hope deep inside of me. Is it weird that I feel that out story is not over? Or does everyone feel that way? Jw. But who knows I think we are truly over them once we find someone else to be happy with. Who knows though, I some days want to just give up on love feels like it isn't even worth it anymore.

[sugarlove]

Hope sometimes does rear its head. Today I felt a glimmer of hope (entirely imaginary of course). So I log into LS, state my dilemma so others can take my foolish hope, throw it on the ground, rip it up and stomp on it until it's dead so I can move on to reality.

 

Thanks LSers! <3

[NC-Thomas]

Giving up hope is one thing. Buw HOW can i give up hope? I am secretly still hoping for a breadcrumb or meeting her somewhere in a place we used to come. I even dream about reconciling.

[Moonborn]

Giving up hope is one thing. Buw HOW can i give up hope? I am secretly still hoping for a breadcrumb or meeting her somewhere in a place we used to come. I even dream about reconciling.

 

Time. I don't really think there is anything else that helps with that. And as sugarlove says, sometimes hope will surface back even if you thought it wasn't there anymore.

 

I don't think there is nothing inherently bad with that, you just need to prevent it from messing your life up.

[NC-Thomas]

Like your signature!

 

I think acceptance is the first and foremost to losing hope. But that takes time...

 

I've been dating, but that doesn't seem to help. Can't find anything outer to fix the inner.

[gaius]

Once you break up you break up and that's it, there's no hoping. But I stopped dreaming about her after one particular one where she was talking about another guy..... Not something she ever did in real life nor have I had a dream like that before. Whether it was some kind of psychic connection telling me she's dating someone else now or my body trying to sour the milk it worked, I haven't dreamed about her since. I've started dreaming about someone else.