Boyfriend's friend asked me to be his FWB!!

[Sweeetie]

Hello all,

 

I have been with my boyfriend for about 10 months. I met him about 13 months ago. We both love each other very much. Through him I have met some very nice people, even before we got together, and made great new friendships. My boyfriend and I have been having a bit of a rough patch the past couple of months due to arguments, over both silly and big things, and 1 week ago he had enough of arguing with me and broke up with me. I didn't hear from him all week and was feeling a bit miserable.

 

Last night, his friend (male) and I both were not doing anything and we decided to go to a salsa bar. I have always seen this guy as just a friend. My boyfriend and him have known each other for about 3 years and get along well but are not very close friends, they just do stuff together like go cycling out of town together at weekends sometimes. Last night we were initially going to be joined by other friends (who are not that close to my boyfriend) but they had booked tickets to a concert so they couldn't come. So it was just the two of us.

 

During the night, his friend and I talked a lot at the bar and were helping each other out with problems in our personal lives. It felt nice because as some of you might have seen in my previous threads, my boyfriend can't communicate at all so I can never properly talk to him about anything. It felt so good to have a deep meaningful conversation with someone. His friend was being consoling with me about my recent breakup with my boyfriend, and was asking my advice about a girl in our friendship group that he really likes, I even offered to help him in his pursuit of her. He was also asking about my dating history. However, he was also flirting with me quite a lot.

 

He has casually flirted with me before, like before my boyfriend and I got together (I was never interested in this guy) but we have never properly been alone together. He has been flirting with me this week over online messaging, saying things like the breakup with my boyfriend was "his loss" because I'm "hot". I thought he was being sweet because he was reassuring me that everything with my boyfriend would be OK. However, I got a little uncomfortable when he told me online that the bed in his new apartment is "too big" and can get a "bit lonely" which I thought was quite an extreme flirt so I responded accordingly with "Don't worry I'll give you a teddy bear!".

 

This guy is generally a flirt and he always hits on many girls, always has a friend with benefits. He has met a couple of my girl friends on different occasions in the past few months and has wanted to get it off with all of them as well (but they all rejected him). I just assumed he was being his usual flirty self with me.

 

Last night when we danced he wanted to get real close but I tried to keep my distance by not turning my head to his incase he wanted to kiss me, etc. He kept putting his arm around me when we sat around but I didn't encourage it or reciprocate it at all. I had to go home at midnight since I needed to wake up early today to go to my Saturday job. When we had to part different ways at the metro station, at first he wished me well with my boyfriend and I wished him well with the girl he really likes. But then he said if I ever want to hang out with him sometime he'd be up for it. I thought he meant as friends so I was like yea I'll let you know. Then, he asked me if I was intereseted in being his friend with benefits!! He said he would like to do it and that me and him would just keep it between us and not tell my boyfriend or anyone. This is where I really had to give him the message and said "Sorry but I do have a lot of feelings for my boyfriend".

 

When I went back home I checked my phone and saw that my boyfriend had texted me during the evening to tell me he really misses me and wants to think about a reconciliation.

 

My question is, should I tell my boyfriend about this? I don't feel it's right for me to keep this hidden from him- he has never kept anything like that hidden from me that I know of. He even notified me when he got an email from his ex-girlfriend and asked me if I would want him to not reply. So I feel he should have the same trust in me. However, I do not want to ruin the friendship between them, and the friendship between me and this guy. We are all going to go out tonight to see one of our friends' bands play at a concert.

 

What should I do?

Edited July 5, 2014 by Sweeetie

[Leigh 87]

Hahahaa.

 

My ex boyfriends best friend who he had known for six years tried to kiss me.

 

He begged me not to tell my boyfriend.

 

I relented and had to tell my bf.

 

The guy then denied he did it and told everyone that I came on to HIM. Just lovely.

 

Then I got infiltrated with disgusting abuse from the ex gf of the douche bag who tried to kiss me.

[BG11]

You BF's friend is a douche and he is no friend to your BF or you. He is a opportunist who only looks out for himself.

 

Think about it. You having a rough time with your BF and instead of being their for you guys as a friend he takes the opportunity to get with you. Lets say you got drunk and said yes, this would have ruined your relationship with your bf forever. Even if he never found out and you guys got back together you would have to carry this secret with you forever all the while betraying your BF.

 

Yes you should tell your BF and don't worry about ruining their friendship because this guy is no friend.

 

If anything this will show that you are trustworthy.

 

Good luck

[Sweeetie]

.

The guy then denied he did it and told everyone that I came on to HIM. Just lovely.

 

 

Yes you should tell your BF and don't worry about ruining their friendship because this guy is no friend.

 

If anything this will show that you are trustworthy.

 

Good luck

 

Exactly. These are both sides of the coin.

 

If I tell my boyfriend, his "friend" might cook up a story that I was the one that approached him as some kind of rebound. My boyfriend has known this guy for longer than he has known me and his friends are very important to him, he has mostly put them before me so he will trust them more than me as well. And if I don't tell my boyfriend, yes if he finds out he will wonder why I was hiding it or worse how much I was hiding.

 

I am innocent in all of this!

[Elle1975]

Exactly. These are both sides of the coin.

 

If I tell my boyfriend, his "friend" might cook up a story that I was the one that approached him as some kind of rebound. My boyfriend has known this guy for longer than he has known me and his friends are very important to him, he has mostly put them before me so he will trust them more than me as well. And if I don't tell my boyfriend, yes if he finds out he will wonder why I was hiding it or worse how much I was hiding.

 

I am innocent in all of this!

 

If your one of your girlfriends went after your guy, would you want to know?

[Sweeetie]

If your one of your girlfriends went after your guy, would you want to know?

 

I would. But if my boyfriend felt nothing at all for the girl and it was purely a one-sided flirting, I would want to be spared the unnecessary paranoia and jealousy.

[Andy_K]

If his friend is that much of a flirt, your guy will know it and not be at all surprised that he tried it on with you, so don't worry.

 

Tell him, stick to the truth, and if his friend blames you and the boyfriend takes his side, he never really trusted you in the first place.

[Keke1]

Stop referring to him as your boyfriends friend lol.

You say you were letting him dance close to you and he kept putting his arm around you? Was any off that necessary? Im assuming close as in near your butt. Come on this would lead guys to things. You dont seem as innocent as you think. That is if im reading what you wrote right.

[BG11]

Exactly. These are both sides of the coin.

 

If I tell my boyfriend, his "friend" might cook up a story that I was the one that approached him as some kind of rebound. My boyfriend has known this guy for longer than he has known me and his friends are very important to him, he has mostly put them before me so he will trust them more than me as well. And if I don't tell my boyfriend, yes if he finds out he will wonder why I was hiding it or worse how much I was hiding.

 

I am innocent in all of this!

 

 

Actually, I think you missed my point because the only way you lose is to not tell him. Basically, if your BF finds out in any other way besides coming from you, you will look guilty.

 

The other guy could easily lie (from what you told us he is more than capable of lying) and tell a bunch of people that you want him. And if he is a flirt he has probably already bad mouthed you in the past.

 

If you come forward and tell the truth it will help discredit anything the "friend" comes up with. Nobody will believe him at this point especially if he is a flirt.

 

Also, on a side-note I think you are hesitant to tell your BF what happened because deep down you know meeting up with the "friend" was a bad idea. He kind of made his intentions clear from the start with comments about his bed and you being hot but you still chose to meet up with him. I think because of this you have a little guilt built up.

 

Next time do not put yourself in a compromising position by hanging out with a guy who you know wants to get into your pants. Just avoid the situation all together.

[Spectre]

Why were you hanging out with this other dude and dancing with him? That is what I would ask, if I was your bf.

 

Let me paint you a picture. You are with your boyfriend for over a year, you guys fight a lot and he breaks up with you. In less then a week you are already out dancing at a club with a friend of his..? This behavior seems strange to me. Is this less about you not wanting to even tell your bf that within a week of you guys breaking up you more or less deciding to go out with his friend?

 

I would be bothered to the fact my ex up and began going out dancing with my friend within a week of breaking up, especially if said ex still tried to act like she had feelings for me.

Edited July 5, 2014 by Spectre

[ascendotum]

"and 1 week ago he had enough of arguing with me and broke up with me."

Is he your bf or is he your ex?

If you really did break up then you did nothing wrong and it could also be argued your ex bf friend did nothing wrong either...though he is a sleazy opportunist (there is often one in a pack of male friends). If your bf said he has had enough of you and walked out or vice versa, then you, him and his sleazy mate are all free agents.

If you got back with your bf, whether you tell him about this incident is tricky, as others have pointed out. I agree with Spectre. Might be better if you play it safe and just not mention his friend giving you the pitch to be one of his FWBs or even that you went dancing with him. Meeting him for a drink & chat after work is one thing, but hitting a night club with him does not look good if your intent all along was to reconcile with your bf/ex bf.

[Leigh 87]

Just be careful.

 

I tried to do the right thing and got trampled on. But I am still glad I did the right thing, as I am the one who has to sleep at night and look in the mirror each day. I am not sure how that creep who hit on me and then blamed ME, can do so:sick:

 

Only tell your bf though, if you get back together. Avoid drama if at all possible....

[lolablue17]

Don't tell! It's not just your own interest here.

 

I think he shouldn't hit on you, but he did it only after he thought you're available. he thought that your boyfriend (his friend) dumped you. Maybe it was too soon for you, maybe some lack of sensitivity about the whole situation but it's not cheating.

 

The thing is it's a private thing between you and him, and i think you have no right to expose him, especially if he was sure you're both no longer together.

[gaius]

You're into him and his attention more than you'll admit if you're somehow concerned about keeping his "friendship". He's not your friend, he's a guy trying to push the right buttons so he can bang you.

 

Anyway, your boyfriend will probably be turned on and want you more if you tell him you shut this guy down (if he believes that's all that happened), but not if you're concerned and want to still interact with him on some level. It's time to pick who you want.

[Leigh 87]

If he is your EX than that is another important factor for us to consider....

 

 

My exes "friends" came out of the woodwork and blatantly asked me if I wanted a one night stand after my ex broke up with me:sick:

 

Only TWO of my exes "best friends" tried to hook up with my when we were still together......

 

It is just lovely when the GIRLFRIEND of the douche bags have it out with YOU, when YOU are the innocent one.....

 

Let me tell you, both girlfriends of the men who tried to hit on me, were majorly p*ssed at me. Like I had bloody done anything wrong:rolleyes:

 

Good luck is all I can say. Next time I probably won't tell since the skank girlfriends always seem to side with their lying douche bag boyfriends over me.

[d0nnivain]

If you get back together with your EX I think you have to tell him about his friend's actions. You are presumably going to be around them both if you reconcile with the EX. Also if you disclose 1st don't you think that would be better than having the friend tell your BF a warped version of the truth with you as the aggressor after your next fight?

[Spectre]

Don't tell! It's not just your own interest here.

 

I think he shouldn't hit on you, but he did it only after he thought you're available. he thought that your boyfriend (his friend) dumped you. Maybe it was too soon for you, maybe some lack of sensitivity about the whole situation but it's not cheating.

 

The thing is it's a private thing between you and him, and i think you have no right to expose him, especially if he was sure you're both no longer together.

 

I actually think she needs to tell him. Not only to see how shady his friend is, but also so he knows how the OP is. Look, I'm not going to try to make any judgements about what the OP's behavior signifies. I don't know, but I do know that if I dated a girl for over a year, and we broke up and in less then a week she was already going out with a friend of mine..yeah, she isn't cheating..but I'd be seriously questioning if she had any feelings for me at all. Ignoring everything else, going out with a guys friend is a stab in the back.

 

Especially if the OP's boyfriend broke up with her because it was more her fault then his? The OP wasn't too clear, but if she said/did something that made him leave her and now here she is acting like she still loves him..but decided to essentially go out on a date with his friend(since what the hell else do you call it?) that kind of makes her look like she doesn't love her ex.

 

So I think the bf needs to know. It wasn't cheating, but he needs to know he is with the type of girl who will more or less be out on a date with a buddy of his within a week of their relationship ending and let me tell you: most guys would not want such a girl. So..I think you need to not only tell your bf, but figure out why you felt like it was a good idea to go out clubbing or salsa dancing or whatever the hell you did, with a friend of his, less then a week after you broke up? This wasn't a guy you dated for a month, it was over a year.

 

I just can't figure out that, if you were upset because you were dumped..why..out of ALL the guys in the world, you'd choose his friend to go out with? So yeah, the OP needs to tell her bf. I don't know exactly why they broke up, so this info might lead him to breaking up with her again, but this is information that needs to be shared and not kept away. If she is a big enough girl to go out with his friend then she can certainly not try to hide it.

 

Also people were asking about the OP and the status with her bf or ex..the way I read the topic was they broke up, but only for a week and then are now back together, but unfortunately in that very very short amount of time she decided to go on a somewhat date with a friend of his. So I'd honestly also be asking why even bother getting back with the ex in the first place.

Edited July 6, 2014 by Spectre

[Els]

From reading your previous threads, IMO the best solution would be to:

 

1) Reject the FWB offer from his friend

2) Do not reconcile with your ex, which means maintaining NC. So, no need to tell him about his friend's offer. His life and his friends aren't your business anymore.

 

You are better off without your ex - but that doesn't mean you need to be sleeping with his friend.

[Clockwork]

If you get back with your ex then yes you need to tell him. Secrets like this will come back to haunt you. If you don't then don't bother to tell him. It's over. But you never know, you could marry your boyfriend and you don't want to start a marriage with a lie, especially if the guy is still hanging around.

 

I'll give you an example. A good friend of mine introduced me to a girl he worked with. He's married but my friend has always had a "little black book" of girls. I liked this girl a lot when I met her and didn't think she was someone he "had" behind his wife's back. A few months into my relationship with her and when she realized things were getting very serious she told me that before we met she had slept with my friend and actually lost her virginity to him. Well, I talked to my friend, he admitted it, he didn't want me to say anything to his wife of course but he wanted the two of us to remain friends. That didn't happen, it just couldn't happen. He was never going to tell me because he didn't want to ruin anything with my girlfriend. So that was it, he was perfectly content being around me the rest of his life knowing a secret from my girlfriend's past just like that. He had no conscience.

 

Fortunately my girlfriend at the time did. She explained everything, said it was a mistake she regretted and felt guilty that she hadn't told me sooner but always wanted to tell me before it got too serious. Which she did. It was the last of the skeletons in either of our closets. I knew right then that this was a woman I could trust for the rest of my life since she told me something that she may have been able to hide forever. She's now my wife and mother of two of our children so far. Life is great and that revelation made us stronger. We were married a few months after that.

 

I guess what I am saying, is that do not go any deeper with your boyfriend unless you tell him. This guy doesn't sound like much of a pillar of the community anyway since he's tried to have sex with everything that moves. What they do with their friendship is up to them, but if you are hanging around you'll have to tell him because if he finds out in 25 years he may never trust you. But if you voluntarily tell him now, he'll always trust you.

[ascendotum]

If you get back with your ex then yes you need to tell him. ..... But you never know, you could marry your boyfriend and you don't want to start a marriage with a lie, especially if the guy is still hanging around.

 

Q - what's the lie in this situation?

The OP did not sleep with her exe's friend. He propositioned her, and she knocked him back. She went out dancing and confiding in her relationship with him though, but she technically was not in a relationship with her bf then. Who knows what her ex did that weekend as a just broken up single man, that he may decide to sweep under the rug if they get back to together.

[Clockwork]

Q - what's the lie in this situation?

The OP did not sleep with her exe's friend. He propositioned her, and she knocked him back. She went out dancing and confiding in her relationship with him though, but she technically was not in a relationship with her bf then. Who knows what her ex did that weekend as a just broken up single man, that he may decide to sweep under the rug if they get back to together.

 

It doesn't matter. They both should be honest with each other if they get back together. If he says: "Hey I had sex with so-and-so" then she knows. Just like she should tell him that his "friend" tried sleeping with her. You don't want to be in the situation where the guy you may eventually marry is being kept in the dark about something between you and a guy he is still hanging out. Then you have to see each other and do you want the awkward moment of being around this guy? Plus it isn't respectful of your significant other to do this.

[Spectre]

This is confusing because is she with this guy or not. She calls him her boyfriend in the topic title. I took that to mean they had broken up and then got back together.

[Sweeetie]

Hey guys

 

Thank you for your replies. To clarify a few things:

 

- I did not sleep with this guy, or demonstrate any sexually encouraging behavior towards him at all. This simply cannot be compared to cheating on any level whatsoever.

 

- Yes we did go to a salsa bar (not club) together last Friday, but this was because all our other friends were busy and I felt like going out on a Friday night. He was trying to dance close to me but I kept my distance by keeping my head turned away from his and ofcourse he wasn't near my butt, it was like ballroom style dancing.

 

- My boyfriend knows I went out with his friend on Friday night because I told him, and his reaction was "cool that's nice!". Because he trusts me. And I did nothing to betray his trust. I however did not tell him about his friend's advances towards me. On Saturday, the next day my boyfriend and this guy and some other friends all met up together, my boyfriend and I were back together and this guy brought along his FWB who he was very close to the whole night.

 

The situation as it stands: I thought that now this "friend" of my boyfriend would leave me alone due to me setting the facts out with him on Friday that I am in love with my boyfriend, and since he saw me and my boyfriend back together when we all went out on Saturday and saw us getting very close. However last night at 10pm he texts me "hey how's it going?" I tried to be distant in my reply saying "not bad, how's work?" Because he is doing an internship this month. He said it looked like my boyfriend and I were "very much back together" and I said likewise, it seemed he was having a nice happy love life as well with the girl he brought along on Saturday.

 

He then started flirting with me and saying how he had a really great time on Friday and how he was "hoping for something extra at the end but that would have probably been stupid" but then he still kept flirting with me a lot. I like this guy as a friend who I can emotionally connect with a lot, but I think that from now I need to be distant with him. He knows I am back with my boyfriend, his own friend, and yet he still persists. It is time I step back.

[Smilecharmer]

Hey guys

 

Thank you for your replies. To clarify a few things:

 

- I did not sleep with this guy, or demonstrate any sexually encouraging behavior towards him at all. This simply cannot be compared to cheating on any level whatsoever.

 

- Yes we did go to a salsa bar (not club) together last Friday, but this was because all our other friends were busy and I felt like going out on a Friday night. He was trying to dance close to me but I kept my distance by keeping my head turned away from his and ofcourse he wasn't near my butt, it was like ballroom style dancing.

 

- My boyfriend knows I went out with his friend on Friday night because I told him, and his reaction was "cool that's nice!". Because he trusts me. And I did nothing to betray his trust. I however did not tell him about his friend's advances towards me. On Saturday, the next day my boyfriend and this guy and some other friends all met up together, my boyfriend and I were back together and this guy brought along his FWB who he was very close to the whole night.

 

The situation as it stands: I thought that now this "friend" of my boyfriend would leave me alone due to me setting the facts out with him on Friday that I am in love with my boyfriend, and since he saw me and my boyfriend back together when we all went out on Saturday and saw us getting very close. However last night at 10pm he texts me "hey how's it going?" I tried to be distant in my reply saying "not bad, how's work?" Because he is doing an internship this month. He said it looked like my boyfriend and I were "very much back together" and I said likewise, it seemed he was having a nice happy love life as well with the girl he brought along on Saturday.

 

He then started flirting with me and saying how he had a really great time on Friday and how he was "hoping for something extra at the end but that would have probably been stupid" but then he still kept flirting with me a lot. I like this guy as a friend who I can emotionally connect with a lot, but I think that from now I need to be distant with him. He knows I am back with my boyfriend, his own friend, and yet he still persists. It is time I step back.

 

 

No, it is time you stop acting like this guy is anything more than a pathetic creep who is hitting on his friends gf. You need to tell your bf like yesterday and tell the creep to stay away form you because he is being creepy and disrespectful. You are also being disrespectful to your bf by allowing this guy to keep propositioning you. No more. Tell your bf and tell that guy to knock it off. You are in a relationship. When you were broken up it was still disrespectful because he is supposed to be your bfs friend. Now it is worse.

[PegNosePete]

1 week ago he had enough of arguing with me and broke up with me.

Why do you keep calling him your boyfriend?

Did you guys get back together, or what?