Keke1 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 Hey guys Thank you for your replies. To clarify a few things: - I did not sleep with this guy, or demonstrate any sexually encouraging behavior towards him at all. This simply cannot be compared to cheating on any level whatsoever. - Yes we did go to a salsa bar (not club) together last Friday, but this was because all our other friends were busy and I felt like going out on a Friday night. He was trying to dance close to me but I kept my distance by keeping my head turned away from his and ofcourse he wasn't near my butt, it was like ballroom style dancing. - My boyfriend knows I went out with his friend on Friday night because I told him, and his reaction was "cool that's nice!". Because he trusts me. And I did nothing to betray his trust. I however did not tell him about his friend's advances towards me. On Saturday, the next day my boyfriend and this guy and some other friends all met up together, my boyfriend and I were back together and this guy brought along his FWB who he was very close to the whole night. The situation as it stands: I thought that now this "friend" of my boyfriend would leave me alone due to me setting the facts out with him on Friday that I am in love with my boyfriend, and since he saw me and my boyfriend back together when we all went out on Saturday and saw us getting very close. However last night at 10pm he texts me "hey how's it going?" I tried to be distant in my reply saying "not bad, how's work?" Because he is doing an internship this month. He said it looked like my boyfriend and I were "very much back together" and I said likewise, it seemed he was having a nice happy love life as well with the girl he brought along on Saturday. He then started flirting with me and saying how he had a really great time on Friday and how he was "hoping for something extra at the end but that would have probably been stupid" but then he still kept flirting with me a lot. I like this guy as a friend who I can emotionally connect with a lot, but I think that from now I need to be distant with him. He knows I am back with my boyfriend, his own friend, and yet he still persists. It is time I step back. Lol come on man. You are not going to stop it are you? You totally can but with you constantly answering him just. Well if you keep leaving the door cracked he is going to keep a foot in. Shut the freaking door!!! I hope you do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BG11 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You need to tell your BF. This guy is going to screw him over one day and he seems like the type of person that will lie about you while doing it. You are really playing with fire by not telling your BF. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You need to tell your BF. This guy is going to screw him over one day and he seems like the type of person that will lie about you while doing it. You are really playing with fire by not telling your BF. At the least she needs to dial right back any contact with this guy. While he may not have done anything technically bad in hitting up the OP up during the week she was split up with her bf, he came off as a bit of a sleazy opportunist. He did not pounce on her because he thought she was a great catch and wanted to gf her up before some other guy did, rather he wanted to get her on the rebound and add her to his FWB stable. Ok that's he lifestyle, but the fact that he is still flirting with her, even though he knows she is back with her bf and his cycling friend, he is being a snake in the grass now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleplanet Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 You said it, Sweeetie. It definitely is time to step back. You know, I recall stuff like this a long, long time ago. And back then, there were rules to the game. A come-on that earned a turn-down tended to fade fast. And there was a bit more style and grace about it. But that was before the hookup and fwb culture. These be harsher times. I would strongly suggest you spread the news to your boyfriend. If he is such buds with this dude, then honor among theives will do the rest for you. If he isn't - well then there may be a different kind of honor taken care of. Either way, time for a behavior change. Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 - I did not sleep with this guy, or demonstrate any sexually encouraging behavior towards him at all. This simply cannot be compared to cheating on any level whatsoever. It's not cheating, but it's definitely not behavior appropriate for a woman with a boyfriend. Though it seems like you aren't actually with this guy..so color me still confused. - Yes we did go to a salsa bar (not club) together last Friday, but this was because all our other friends were busy and I felt like going out on a Friday night. He was trying to dance close to me but I kept my distance by keeping my head turned away from his and ofcourse he wasn't near my butt, it was like ballroom style dancing. If I was your bf(or ex) I would wonder why you felt you so badly needed to go out dancing with another guy. Especially within a week of you guys breaking up. - My boyfriend knows I went out with his friend on Friday night because I told him, and his reaction was "cool that's nice!". Because he trusts me. And I did nothing to betray his trust. I however did not tell him about his friend's advances towards me. On Saturday, the next day my boyfriend and this guy and some other friends all met up together, my boyfriend and I were back together and this guy brought along his FWB who he was very close to the whole night. You betrayed his trust by not telling him what his friend is doing. Seriously, you hung out as a group with the guy and your bf and you still haven't told him. How much do you actually respect your boyfriend? The situation as it stands: I thought that now this "friend" of my boyfriend would leave me alone due to me setting the facts out with him on Friday that I am in love with my boyfriend, and since he saw me and my boyfriend back together when we all went out on Saturday and saw us getting very close. However last night at 10pm he texts me "hey how's it going?" I tried to be distant in my reply saying "not bad, how's work?" Because he is doing an internship this month. He said it looked like my boyfriend and I were "very much back together" and I said likewise, it seemed he was having a nice happy love life as well with the girl he brought along on Saturday. Just wow..WHY are you even responding to him? Why have you not already told your boyfriend how his friend is acting? How can you sit there and say you are in love with your boyfriend? You know how to actually be distant? By not replying at all. The fact you can't seem to do this is not good, you get that right? He then started flirting with me and saying how he had a really great time on Friday and how he was "hoping for something extra at the end but that would have probably been stupid" but then he still kept flirting with me a lot. I like this guy as a friend who I can emotionally connect with a lot, but I think that from now I need to be distant with him. He knows I am back with my boyfriend, his own friend, and yet he still persists. It is time I step back. Umm..what? I think you should break up with your boyfriend to be honest. You allow his friend to still flirt with you without telling him what his friend is doing or really putting the friend in his place. Then you say you like the guy as a friend..even after the utter disrespect he has shown you after all this happened..and you still like him, that says a lot. The fact that you didn't cut this guy completely out of your life and tell your bf about it the MOMENT you got back together speaks volumes. Also you realize your little exchange of "oh you looked happy with your boyfriend" and you then going "oh you looked happy with that girl"..you realize that REEKS of some sort of passive aggressiveness that I'd daresay two people who are attracted to each other have. I was somewhat behind you until you started talking about this guy flirting with you and you not nipping it in the butt and you still saying you like a guy who would try to stab his friend in the back like this. I'd break up with you for that alone. Every second that passes where you have not told your bf this is just you disrespecting him more. You say you love him..it is time to begin acting like it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 At the least she needs to dial right back any contact with this guy. While he may not have done anything technically bad in hitting up the OP up during the week she was split up with her bf, he came off as a bit of a sleazy opportunist. He did not pounce on her because he thought she was a great catch and wanted to gf her up before some other guy did, rather he wanted to get her on the rebound and add her to his FWB stable. Ok that's he lifestyle, but the fact that he is still flirting with her, even though he knows she is back with her bf and his cycling friend, he is being a snake in the grass now. No he totally did something wrong. You don't try to f*ck your friends gf less then a week after they break up. There is no situation that isn't wrong. This guy isn't the only snake unfortunately, the gf is allowing it to happen by not setting him straight a long time ago and not telling her bf and continuing to reply to him and even continuing to say she likes a guy who could utterly betray his friend in every way. If she loved her boyfriend, truly loved him? His friends behavior would disgust her and make her sick. It clearly doesn't. If she looks at this man now and see's anything other then an utter slimeball..it is obvious she has feelings for him on more then a platonic level. Combine that with the fact she was going to a bar with the guy less then a week after her relationship with a guy she is "in love" with ends..and I think the best option here is for her to cut both guys loose. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 No he totally did something wrong. You don't try to f*ck your friends gf less then a week after they break up. There is no situation that isn't wrong. There are different tiers of friends. If this guy was a close friend of the OP's bf, I agree its just wrong, but I've known it too happen a few times. The friends were not looking for sex though, but were secretly in love with the girl and thought she would make an awesome gf for them and sweet attractive girls don't stay single for long. Maybe still wrong in lots of peoples eyes. I still think that is weird though, as it meant they would have to fade out of the social group otherwise it would be awkward to have the exes still around each other. But then people have 2nd and 3rd tier levels of friends, were the friend is a friend but not a good/close friend that you would help out in tough times. not a 'good buddy' friend. I am assuming this guy is like that, just someone he catches up with in a cycling group, but they don't visit each other or regularly stay in contact. Though it does seem like it is a closer bond, since the gf has this cycling guy's number If the bf does go out and socialize often with this guy, then yes its a bit of a dirty thing to do. At the same time if the bf dumped the OP and he was serious - good riddance, then I think lots of exe's would not care what she did and other guys in the loosely knit social group would view her as a free agent. I do think it is in poor taste if he does not run it past his good friend if he cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Sparta Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 spectre Hey buddy I got to give you some props you called her on her BS immediately I like how you called it right from the beginning and she knew it she came here to see if we could buy her BS. She IS making up this story that she was getting ready to tell when she got caught in A yep that's right I believe she is already in an A or had ONS with this guy... She came here to prime her story to see if she could sell it on down the road to her BBF... I just had an intuitive thought ... I could be wrong and so I really don't want to slander (sweetie) but something is not adding up so that's just my take on it Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Do you really need our advice to know the right thing to do? This POS is not a friend of your boyfriend, this POS is not a friend of your relationship. He is using the information from your boyfriend to get into your pants. The fact this man is still able to walk has me wondering about your motivation to post. Do the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Do you really need our advice to know the right thing to do? This POS is not a friend of your boyfriend, this POS is not a friend of your relationship. He is using the information from your boyfriend to get into your pants. The fact this man is still able to walk has me wondering about your motivation to post. Do the right thing. Well you know those people who like attention? Does not matter that she's with someone. She loves the attention and living dangerously. Although she thinks she is clean in this whole thing. Knowing just answering his text calls whatever is her showing she is interested. The reason being. He has showed what he is about. She has processed that and still allows it. Believe me if she really wants this clown to stop she most definitely can stop it. She has text msgs to show if he turns it on her so that excuse is gone. Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 10, 2014 Share Posted July 10, 2014 You need to stop pussy footing and either tell your bf about this guy or shut your bf's friend down. I'm not sure if you're unaware or just completely naive but you not doing either is just encouraging him. Not to mention he's not much of a "friend" to your bf if this is how he's acting. Show your bf the text messages also. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted July 23, 2014 Author Share Posted July 23, 2014 Thank you for your advice guys, I really appreciate it. I told my boyfriend, 2 weeks after. At first he didn't believe that his friend was attracted to me. He spoke to his friend but his friend denied everything and said I was making the whole thing up. But then I showed my boyfriend the texts that this guy had been sending me, and after that his friend admitted the truth. If I didn't have that evidence, my boyfriend would have thought I'm a liar. This has caused a breakage in the friendship between my boyfriend and his friend, and between his friend and me. That is what I was initially worried about. But seeing the person that his friend truly is, telling my boyfriend that I'm making up the story, has put me off any kind of friendship with him anymore. Once again, thank you very much for your advice. You really helped 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 You're still with that boyfriend? The one who ogles at other girls in front of you, puts you down, etc? Have you resolved all those issues with him? Link to post Share on other sites
chucksagent Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 Everybody should operate every situation with "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Would you want to know? Yes. So tell him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 23, 2014 Share Posted July 23, 2014 (edited) This has caused a breakage in the friendship between my boyfriend and his friend, and between his friend and me. That is what I was initially worried about. But seeing the person that his friend truly is, telling my boyfriend that I'm making up the story, has put me off any kind of friendship with him anymore. Once again, thank you very much for your advice. You really helped I just find problems because you seem to of just said you were worried about losing the friendship with this dude. It shocks me you don't see a problem there. You shouldn't care at all, you realize that right? Look I don't know you, I can't make a full judgement, but your actions were questionable to me. You waited way too long before you nipped this in the butt, I don't know why you let it go on that long. You remained friends with this guy and you also just expressed that having a breakage with hm is what you were worried about. Then the fact your boyfriend flat out did not believe a word you said until you showed proof..I don't know how to judge that, but was he picking up on the same vibes I pick up when you post here? I don't know, just combining your behavior and the fact your boyfriend obviously did not trust you..I'm not trying to insult you or make you feel bad. I'm just wondering if maybe letting go of both guys would of been better? Sorry, I could be completely wrong on all this, I'm just going by what was posted, but obviously I can't know the whole story. Edited July 23, 2014 by Spectre Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted July 24, 2014 Share Posted July 24, 2014 But seeing the person that his friend truly is, telling my boyfriend that I'm making up the story, has put me off any kind of friendship with him anymore. It is great that you've come to this conclusion. However... The friend making a move on you, his friends ex, especially within a few days of the break up, should already have told you EXACTLY what sort of creep he is. You shouldn't have needed the lies too. You either didn't see (or didn't want to see) that this time, but next time a similar thing happens to you or any of your friends, you'll spot this much quicker. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Hey guys, Thanks for all your posts on this, I'm writing on this thread again to say that even though I thought I was doing the right thing by telling my boyfriend about what his friend had said to me, my boyfriend makes me regret it quite often. He often accuses me of splitting up his friendship with his friend, even daring to accuse me of conspiring to split them up!!:eek: When all I was doing was telling him the truth because it seemed not right to keep this 'secret' about his friend's betrayal from him, and I was hesitating to tell him at first in order to save their 'friendship' if one could call it that. The guy just doesn't understand me at all. I broke up with him a week ago for this and other reasons, all involving him getting the wrong end of the stick about me. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Here's why you have to quickly tell your boyfriend about his douchey friend. Yes, it's true your BF may try to blame it on you-- but it's also true the douchey friend may at some point lie to him trying to break you two up by saying you came onto him. Your only defense here is to tell him everything: How you've always considered him only as a friend and were shocked when he started coming onto you and that you just began avoidance. And right now, you need to tell your bf or ex or whatever he is now and then right now, you need to completely avoid his douchey friend completely, blocking him, etc. and let your man know you are doing it. It's your only hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 Here's why you have to quickly tell your boyfriend about his douchey friend. Yes, it's true your BF may try to blame it on you-- but it's also true the douchey friend may at some point lie to him trying to break you two up by saying you came onto him. Your only defense here is to tell him everything: How you've always considered him only as a friend and were shocked when he started coming onto you and that you just began avoidance. And right now, you need to tell your bf or ex or whatever he is now and then right now, you need to completely avoid his douchey friend completely, blocking him, etc. and let your man know you are doing it. It's your only hope. Oh I already unfriended my ex's friend on Facebook a few weeks ago and my ex knows it, I told him I no longer wanted to be friends with the guy because he lied about me to my ex when he denied what I had said. My ex wasn't happy about me unfriending the guy because it would be hurting his friend's feelings but I told him I want to keep it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Well, it's not good that your ex is taking the douche's side in this. Because that means he may not even believe you. Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Hey guys, Thanks for all your posts on this, I'm writing on this thread again to say that even though I thought I was doing the right thing by telling my boyfriend about what his friend had said to me, my boyfriend makes me regret it quite often. He often accuses me of splitting up his friendship with his friend, even daring to accuse me of conspiring to split them up!!:eek: When all I was doing was telling him the truth because it seemed not right to keep this 'secret' about his friend's betrayal from him, and I was hesitating to tell him at first in order to save their 'friendship' if one could call it that. The guy just doesn't understand me at all. I broke up with him a week ago for this and other reasons, all involving him getting the wrong end of the stick about me. You've done the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing ends relationships, but that doesn't mean it was a mistake. Every time you do the right thing and it pushes people away (ex fb, his friend), you're removing yourself from people that shouldn't be in your life anyway, and clearing an opportunity to create new friendships and relationships with much better people. So good on you. Whatever happens, have confidence and don't start doubting yourself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 14, 2014 Author Share Posted August 14, 2014 You've done the right thing. Sometimes doing the right thing ends relationships, but that doesn't mean it was a mistake. Every time you do the right thing and it pushes people away (ex fb, his friend), you're removing yourself from people that shouldn't be in your life anyway, and clearing an opportunity to create new friendships and relationships with much better people. So good on you. Whatever happens, have confidence and don't start doubting yourself. Thanks for this, it's very true and helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 14, 2014 Share Posted August 14, 2014 Its unfortunate what ended up happening, but I don't think you should have any regrets. My initial thoughts were for you to just forget it assuming this other friend was more of an acquaintance than a close friend and it took place when you were technically single, but when he continued to hit on you, it changed things imo. It is a risk doing what you did. I have seen posts from women on here saying how it backfired when the bf did not believe them and I have also known of cases IRL where it split the couple up, and I never really knew who was telling the truth. At least now there is txts to back up any assertions, and in your case it saved the day, but really only initially. Sorry doing the right thing ended up getting you shafted when it was the sleazy cycle friends doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted August 15, 2014 Share Posted August 15, 2014 Wow. I cannot believe your ex's reactions to his friend were: he didn't think he was attracted to you AND he didn't want to hurt his friends FEELINGS (by you blocking him). This is all solid evidence that your ex NEVER was in love with you. My boyfriend would want to punch his friend if his friend so much as made the SMALLEST pass at me! When a man is in love/or falling in love with a woman, he would be highly upset if a FRIEND of his tried to make a pass! IF your boyfriend truly did ever love you, he would have been FURIOUS with his friend and disowned him as a friend! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sweeetie Posted August 15, 2014 Author Share Posted August 15, 2014 Wow. I cannot believe your ex's reactions to his friend were: he didn't think he was attracted to you AND he didn't want to hurt his friends FEELINGS (by you blocking him). This is all solid evidence that your ex NEVER was in love with you. My boyfriend would want to punch his friend if his friend so much as made the SMALLEST pass at me! When a man is in love/or falling in love with a woman, he would be highly upset if a FRIEND of his tried to make a pass! IF your boyfriend truly did ever love you, he would have been FURIOUS with his friend and disowned him as a friend! I know, right? I was also sexually harassed by a man in a bar when I was out with my ex and he didn't do a thing, he didn't get angry at all!! He didn't see why I was upset and accused me of always trying to turn him against people Link to post Share on other sites
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