Should I tell her that I have feelings for her?

[nooch37]

I have known Kelly since gradeschool. In highschool we had a couple of classes together, and we talked to each other, but we never really hung out outside of school. I had a small crush on her in highschool, and now it has grown to so much more.

 

Well, I'm 20 and I'm in my second year of college. The bad thing is that I go out of state to the Savannah College of Art and Design in Georgia. My home is in Cincinnati, Ohio, where Kelly is right now. I went home this year for Winter break, and I ran into her one day after not seeing her in 2 years. We started hanging out a lot, and my feelings for her started to grow. We get along pretty well when we're with each other. I never had the courage to say anything to her while I was home though. I had spent one last day hanging out with her and my friend Ken before I came back to Savannah, and on the way back to my house, she asked me what I was doing for spring break. I told her that I was staying in Savannah, and she said that she was going to come down and visit me.

 

And what do you know, lo and behold she already has her plane tickets and she's gonna spend 5 days down here with me during spring break. I told her that I would help her out with her plane tickets, and origionally she didn't want me too. But then she emailed me saying that the price doubled and I insisted. She said I was sweet.

 

We have been emailing each other a lot since I've been back down here. At one point it seemed like it was almost everyday. But the funny thing is, she doesn't even have a computer. She has to use her school's computers, or her roommates. Which they don't get along.

 

I don't know if she just feels that we're only friends, or if anything could spark between us. I've been kind of throwing hints at her through the email, kind of jokingly like. But I don't know if she's catching on. I'm too shy to say anything to her straightforward, and I really don't know what it would do to our friendship if she doesn't feel the same way. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me, and I definitely don't want to lose her as my friend. I've told her things about how kind hearted she was and how much her friendship means to me, but I don't want to scare her off. One time we were talking about what we were going to do after graduating college. Since she's graduating this year, she said she was going to get married to Tony (which is now her EX, because he cheated on her) and convince him to move to Maine with her. But since that's not happening, she doen't know what's going to happen, she doesn't think she could find anyone to put up with her so she doesn't think she'll be getting married anytime soon.

 

Just goofing around, I told her that I would marry her, and she responded with this:

 

"...and i'd marry you but you said it yourself, you

 

don't know me very well yet. you'd have no idea what

 

you'd be getting yourself into. i wouldn't let you

 

marry me, you're too nice! and your life is messed up

 

enough without me screwing it up more. ;-) "

 

I tend to overthink things, so if this seems out of hand, please let me know.

 

It makes me think, just because she's coming down here to visit. We've only started hanging out since December, and now she's coming down here to visit. I question her motives for coming down.

 

But what do I do? Everyday the thought of her sits in my mind and I wish to tell her how great she is and why she's so perfect. Do I tell her in one of my emails just to see what she thinks? Should I say something to her on Valentine's Day? Do I wait and see what happens when she gets down here in Savannah, or say something then? And if I do tell her, how do I say it? I'm not good with expressing feelings in person. I'm so stressed on what to do. I've never felt this way before, and I feel that it would be regretting if I let the chance pass me by. I know that long distance relationships don't naturally work, but she is so important to me that I would try.

 

Sorry that this is so long and just sounds like psycho babbling. I tend to write novels. But any advice is appreciated. Thanks for listening.

[Tony T]

You need to let this situation to simmer on the burner a bit more before you approach the "getting serious" thing again. First, I don't think she is entirely over her last relationship yet. Right now, she is looking at you as no more than a friend. But the potential is there.

 

Having a girl think you are too nice (as she indicated in her email you quoted above) can be the absolute kiss of death...and that's what you have been. You need to examine this very closely and change your ways. No more paying for half her ticket, no more answering her Email right away, no more making generous offers to her, no more calling her on a regular, predictable schedule. No making a big deal out of Valentine's Day...just a nice, friendly humorous card and promise to take her to dinner for Valentine's Day when she's in town...but don't make such a big deal of it.

 

The ONLY way you're going to get this girl really excited about you romantically is not to be so nice, so predictable, so caring, so "there" for her as a friend. Yes, I know it sounds weird and all but that's just the way it is.

 

You sound like a real kind, sweet, loving, thoughtful, considerate guy and women like a guy like that. But they also like him to be confident and not to be too much of those things for a while. They like a challenge and a run for their money.

 

Right now, you are so in love you'd do just about anything to win her heart. That's the worst place to be. Many girls fall for guys who really don't care. But don't go too far the other way either. You have got to just be very cool, that's all.

 

I think you can pull this off but you are going to have to be very skillful about it. The nicer you are, the more she will consider you a platonic buddy. If you get really, really nice to her, she will get sick to her stomach...like if you give her a heart shaped box of candy for Valentine's Day.

 

So pull back and do your thing. A close lady friend can advise you on exactly how to pull this off.

[Tony T]

If you ever do start seeing each other as a serious item, paying for half her ticket...or even all of it sometimes, is quite fine. Just isn't good at this point.

 

As a relationship develops, it's great to show more kindness, thoughtfulness, generosity, etc. but it's important to still remain rather unpredictable and cool. That keeps things interesting. You can be very nice sometimes and very aloof at other times. Keep her guessing.

 

Very few people are skilled enough to do this perfectly but you can get better over time.

 

Right now, you need to be very cool. You are just being way way too nice. Ask others, don't just take it from me.