Ash_88 Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 I've been married to my husband for 3 years and together for 2. The week we got married my husband was laid off. I had been planning to go back to college so I had to get 2 jobs while going to school to support us. It took him a year to find a job because "he didn't want to just any job that came along". I became resentful that I was working so hard to keep us above water and we would go play golf. Then he got a job. I thought everything was going to turn around... only it didn't. He had knee surgery 4 months after he began his new job, which was not the issue. He began to be verbally abusive while on his pain killers. I thought it was just the drugs and once he got off of them, everything would go back to normal. He couldn't go off the medication because his knee was still hurt which led to a second surgery. This time it wasn't as bad. A few weeks later, his father passed away very unexpectedly. We were staying with his mom to support her for a few weeks and things were horrible. His sister said to me as I was crying in the kitchen "do what you need to do. You don't deserve to be treated like this". I brushed it off and told myself that everything will get better in a few months. A few months later, we were spending almost every weekend spending time with his mom which I didn't mind doing except for one weekend we were planning on going to stay with my family in another city so I could run a 5K. He backed out on me the last minute. Then he backed out again on Easter. This led to a big fight where he accused me of making him sacrifice time with his family for mine- we hadn't seen my family since Christmas. Again, fast forward a month. I started a new job that he didn't want me to take. The first Friday I worked there, I dropped my keys in the warehouse and could not find them. He had to bring me my spare set. My boss was kind enough to wait with me. When he got there, my boss made a joke about me to him. He just looked at her then looked at me a yelled at me. That was the last straw. That weekend. We got into a huge fight. Ultimately, it all comes back to his father. He tells me he has been depressed since he lost his job and that he is so sorry he has treated me this way and wants a chance to fix it. But, I'm not sure that he hasn't killed all the love I had for him. It's been 2 weeks since this fight and he has been really nice and has written me letters. This is not the kind of person he is. I know this is all just to get me to stay with him. When someone tries to change the person they are it never sticks. I feel like I've made my decision to get a divorce but I'm having a hard time pulling the trigger because I don't want to hurt him but I need to look out for myself. Any advise would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
Salesbury Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Perhaps a separation to start. Cool off and evaluate your true feelings and see what it would be like without him? When you have it sorted you'll know when it's the right time to pull the trigger. I have also read that the person that initiates it does feel some guilt, whether it be right or not. I'm a big believer in going with your gut Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 5, 2014 Share Posted July 5, 2014 Ultimately, it all comes back to his father. People react to loss in different ways. Those that internalize it often find themselves prone to bouts of anger, depression and frustrating behavior. Are there options through either of your jobs for counseling, either IC or together? Given all the external forces buffeting your relationship, you seem like ideal candidates... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ash_88 Posted July 6, 2014 Author Share Posted July 6, 2014 Neither of our employers offer any kind of counseling. I have asked him time and time again to talk to someone. He finally considered it after I told him that I was considering a divorce. Even if he does talk to someone, I'm not sure he will change. His father treated his mother this way. I had no idea his father was like that until after we were married and his mother opened up to me about it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2014 Share Posted July 6, 2014 I'm glad you are at least trying counseling. You never know; it may help. Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 It sounds like you both can put a lot of effort in, and you guys could make it. BUT, given that you are not sure, I have a few pieces of advice for you. Think of these things as your "secret cynic." They will not dampen your efforts or your love, but they will keep you both safe from worse heartache if you divorce: First, don't buy a house together. (Yet.) Second, don't invest together or acquire any big assets together. Try not to get a joint bank account for now, and if you do, just use it as an "extra" one and throw fifty bucks in there once in a while, like when someone has to get gas. Third, I'm not sure what state you're in or what the marital property laws are like, but maybe don't acquire anything you care too much about during the marriage. You don't want to be worried about your financial well-being on top of everything else, if you guys divorce. And fourth, keep your work ethic and your job!!!! That is your pot of gold, whether you stay together or not. Don't become this guy's housewife. And obviously when it comes to children, proceed with great caution. You probably have many years to have a child if you want one, my advice would be not to do it until you're SURE about the marriage. Even if you think you could be a single parent, (and there are many wonderful, fulfilled single parents), my own advice would be, in that case, start out as a single parent rather than divorcing with a child. You just don't want all the uncertainties surrounding custody, finances et c not to mention his family. But what I would NOT hold back on, is the love and understanding and effort and time and cost of some good counseling. He sounds like he needs individual counseling; if he is willing to, then ask yourself how much time you'll give that to see some changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ash_88 Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 We already have a house and joint account together but no kids. Part of the problem is I make more than him. I've wondered if part of the issues we are having is the fact that when we got married, we both only had a high school education. Now, I'm graduating with my master's degree in December and just landed this huge job. He didn't want me to take it because I would be working more hours but it was my dream job. He is still angry I took it even though he knew it is what I have been working towards. After yet another argument last night, I've decided to give him until August. I know it's not a lot of time but I have yet to see any real effort from him. He tries to defend his actions then when I get upset he says but I'm just trying to show you how my point of view is wrong. I get it. I know what his point of view is. He has even admitted to me that he only considers what he wants to do and doesn't really care what I want. How can a narcissistic change? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 There are a number of books out about when the woman makes more. Read one. I suspect that part of the problem is he's scared you have outgrown him. When you started you were equal in education but now you have all these fancy degrees & a dream job where you will spend time with men whose educations are similar to yours. He's terrified you will leave him for them because he's not good enough. You have to gently address those fears without making him feel smaller if this will work. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jakrbbt Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 KEEP YOUR JOB. And also, let me offer my kudos to you on advancing! Career and education are not everything, but they mean far more to a person's sense of self than we sometimes acknowledge. In a truly respectful and nurturing partnership, advancing your career and education will not be an issue, period. YOU have advanced in this depressed economical climate, and I think you should cling to your laurels and that part of your character that caused you to do all that work. The house is nothing compared to your work history, education, and character. Just don't lose all that, whatever happens with your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
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