I feel jealous and possessive of a friend when I shouldn't

[Cafe au lait]

Alright so I have this guy friend who I've known since 7th/8th grade. We're now 18/19 years old- I'm 19 and a rising college sophomore, he's about to be a freshman. He's one of my best friends, though I do get annoyed at him sometimes for being immature and occasionally smoking weed. Otherwise, he is a perfect match for me; we get along beautifully because we're an intellectual match but our personalities are different and end up balancing each other out. I'm very serious and get stressed out and angry, but he's so chill and laid back that he never gets mad at me and likes to tease me all the time.

 

We went to prom together as friends my senior year. Then during the summer, we basically went on a ton of dinner and lunch dates without labeling them as such. Went to college, and only over winter break did we start discussing feelings. Basically he said he had always liked me romantically but wasn't sure how I felt and he didn't feel the need to push for more because just spending time with me "was already holding a pair of aces." That broke my heart, it was the sweetest thing anyone had ever said to me. So I told him that I did indeed like him too, then we met up two days before I returned to college and kissed but it was absolutely terrible and I broke it off after like 5 seconds.

 

I haven't seen him since then though we've spoken a lot. He said he thought the kiss was good, but didn't want to say it at the time since I was the one who ended it abruptly. Back in college, I started reevaluating my feelings and decided that I had just been caught up in a sudden infatuation with him over winter break but wasn't truly interested in him romantically. The idea of having sex of with him is a complete turn-off and I don't think I'm physically attracted to him, which kind of sucks because he's perfect in almost every other way. I'm in school now, but we've had two other opportunities to meet up that we didn't take advantage of- he says he didn't ask me to meet up because he's shy and wasn't sure if I wanted to. I didn't ask him because I've done the asking all the other times and got sick of it.

 

I kinda asked him if he had been seeing anyone, and he says he was "dicking around" at the beginning of summer but not anymore. I feel jealous when I hear about him and females, like the friend he took to prom this year. I just think it's weird I feel so possessive of him if I don't like him as more than a friend. I don't feel this way about other guy friends, who I can talk to about anything. But with this friend, talking about romantic relationships has always been a sensitive subject so it's like there is sexual tension. I know I shouldn't feel this way, and I'm struggling to understand why. Is it because I actually am attracted to him? Because I'm selfish and just don't want him to be attracted to someone else? He still thinks I'm interested in him romantically (though we have both agreed to see other people at our colleges so we definitely aren't exclusive). How can I get myself to let go of him, without hurting our friendship?

[preraph]

You don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him? You want him to want you even though you don't want him? Or do you actually care more than you think you do? I'd think you'd know if it was the latter.