"Friends So Plutonic You're Dying To Blow Them" [Open Debate/Explain Your Stupidity]

[MassiveAtom]

The thought of having sex with most of my male friends completely disgusts me.

 

But it doesn't disgust them. And there's no way for you to be completely sure that there's not more lurking beneath the surface. You can never REALLY know unless the subject is approached in earnest. Meaning crossing the line.

 

A platonic female friend of mine told me recently, that by thinking this way we're limiting ourselves by parroting the socializations that we've all undergone in this regard. I think she's right. AND I've also noticed that there could be an underlying biological fact in men that prevents the "just friends" scenario from ever being 100% true. It may be the same in women, but it doesn't appear to me to be so.

 

Truth be told, there is a latent attraction to her. And I can't know for certain if the opportunity arose, that I wouldn't ignore whatever lines are drawn. That may very well pollute the situation, but I have sufficient self control not to subversively act on that latent interest.

 

That subversive action is common and well known among guys. BUT It's completely against the Universal Code of Conduct of the United Brotherhood of Men.

 

I think this question is a matter of CURRENT thinking and with adequate growth, men and women COULD be strictly platonic friends. It would take tremendous strides in gender equality in all facets of society, and a magnificent degree of patience and understanding by both sexes on the whole, and in general.

 

Unfortunately, I think that kind of understanding is stifled by the very society that created this question to begin with.

[Podna]

Originally posted by MassiveAtom

I think this question is a matter of CURRENT thinking and with adequate growth, men and women COULD be strictly platonic friends. It would take tremendous strides in gender equality in all facets of society, and a magnificent degree of patience and understanding by both sexes on the whole, and in general.

 

 

You forgot the weekly estrogen shots or complete castration.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by alphamale

 

 

I will guarantee you GIRLDOWN that some of these supposed guy "friends" would love to make you bend over the back of a sofa and give it to u from behind. Trust me. Many men are very good at hiding their attraction to a female friend and can keep it secret for decades until one day everything explodes and the woman is like WTF!

 

It is a very rare exception when you have a male-female freindship and neither one of the parties is sexually attracted to the other.

 

Your comment of "at least not known anyway" is a tip off. Read it over again.

 

 

but the point is it's not made known to me. and that's fine. the knowing would be the problem.

 

if they wanted to bend me over a sofa, whatever. saying it would be the problem, because that would be the tension.

 

obviously if nothing was said TO ME, the problem does not exist. hence, friends.

 

if something IS said, then that is a problem...unless i wanted to be bent over...

 

which i do not. by a friend.

[ReluctantRomeo]

Originally posted by GirlDown

obviously if nothing was said TO ME, the problem does not exist. hence, friends.

 

And I thought that *Cleopatra* was Queen of De Nile

 

I do get your point actually, but the cheap shot was difficult to resist. So I didn't.

[Podna]

If I close my eyes really tightly, does that mean the world disappears?

[Devildog]

Originally posted by GirlDown

but the point is it's not made known to me. and that's fine. the knowing would be the problem.

 

if they wanted to bend me over a sofa, whatever. saying it would be the problem, because that would be the tension.

 

obviously if nothing was said TO ME, the problem does not exist. hence, friends.

 

if something IS said, then that is a problem...unless i wanted to be bent over...

 

which i do not. by a friend.

 

The problem does still exist though. Whether you know about the interest or not. Or do you never talk to your friends about personal things? Do your friends never give you relationship advice? Don't you think if they have ulterior motives they might gently persuade you to dump the guy you are seeing over what might otherwise be a trivial matter?

[GirlDown]

my lord....

 

 

my point is that if i don't have a guy friend falling all over me, i can be friends with him. i have friends that are lesbians that don't fall madly in love with me just because i am a girl and they happen to like girls.

 

people still have preferences, as sex-crazed as we are all made out to be.

 

it's not closing my eyes to anything if i don't know about it to begin with. if i knew and ignored it, that would be closing my eyes.

 

advice...well that's another thing. but since i don't always take advice i ask for, the decision is mine and mine alone. even a girl's advice could be disadvantageous and may not have anything to do with wanting to "get with me." sometimes people are just jealous. "people" meaning both sexes.

 

i am friends with people. whether they want me or not is their concern. i am not going to tell someone " i cannot be friends with you because you may or not develop feelings for me, and i will become uncomfortable with it and end the friendship." i would deal with it if it happened.

 

oh, and i should have said "if i don't know about it, the problem does not exist...FOR ME." if it is made known to me and i resist it, and that person no longer wants to be my friend, that's the problem--and it isn't mine. maturity is an awfully big part of being an adult.

 

it's not denial. it's called never really knowing what anyone thinks at any given time, or what will become of it. this is for both guys and girls.

 

i am friends with both. it is possible. until something changes, that's just how it is.

 

and i should also say that i am speaking for myself when i say I CAN BE FRIENDS WITH MEN. whether or not they can be friends with me isn't exactly my choice. it happens and it doesn't happen.

 

until then, why can't we just all get along?

 

 

i guess my point is that just because something is possible does not mean it's inevitable. and that goes for many, many things.

[Podna]

Originally posted by GirlDown

i guess my point is that just because something is possible does not mean it's inevitable. and that goes for many, many things.

 

 

That is true, but I think you are missing the point. It's not all about you or what you would do. It's about what is on the man's mind, and what his intentions are. If one of my male friends came to me and told me that he was really attracted to my g/f but assured me to no end that he would never act on it, guess what? He doesn’t get any alone time with my g/f now. I may trust my g/f explicitly but I no longer trust that guy. It has more to do with male rivalry than it has to do with female blissful ignorance.

 

I think you just don’t understand the nature of men. When I see a hot chick (friend or not) I will at one time or another think about her sexually. That is not irresponsible, that is just chemistry. I am not telling you to go home and call all of your male friends and tell them you can’t be friends anymore. But I don’t think you can pretend that the issue that was raised is a non-issue just because none for your friends have ever approached you.

 

PS. Please keep it in this thread... uncool.

[d'Arthez]

As friends, I never had any trouble to get time alone with a girl, even if she is in a relationship.

Most often, the boyfriends know me. Sometimes that is not the case. Let me give a "worst case" scenario.

 

Commited woman, boyfriend does not know:

 

I have had a lot of conversations with a young woman, sometimes lasting until 4:00 AM. She is a very good looking woman. She only told me once she had a boyfriend. She never had to remind me. It did not change my behavior. It simply was not necessary. We talked about everything but her relationship. I never consider a subject like that appropriate for discussion between friends.

Of course I did not try to stay over at night, touch her in any inappropriate way, or tried for other 'benefits.' The thought did not even occur to me. The conversation was the benefit for the both of us. These were great conversations, which the both of us remember fondly.

 

It's offensive to think that every man has the desire to be more than friends. However if some hormonal person would try a platonic friendship with her it would of course fail spectacularly. BTW I was the only guy she had done something like that with.

[Wolvesbaned]

I have two very good guy friends. One is actually quite a looker and the other one shares similar odd interests with me (he's lives out of town). We've known each other for 10+ years. Both are platonic.

 

My closest guy friend nowerdays lives in town. Our friendship is maintained by some boundaries, for instance we don't hang-out at each other's houses, but we do go out together. He's a great guy but I would never date him. I've known him too long and he's just not my type. We share stupid info and give each other dating advice and the like. In high school he used to date a friend of mine and have been in the "friend" list since. He's also been divorced so he can relate. He's one of the few people I can really count on.

 

What keeps the boundaries (I think) is the fact that he used to date my friend and that I regard him almost as a cousin. I also reinforce our friendship by various reminders and gestures.

 

But I agree with you -- I can't just meet some guy on the street and pretend to be his friend. Either I like him or I don't. Now if the situation was not as simple and he managed to be in my inter-circle yet not be noticed ... I think he could be a "friend" and later be more.

 

Am I making any kinda sense here

[Grinning Maniac]

Not sure how this turned into a debate on whether or not it's even possible for men and women to be friends. That wasn't the point I was trying to make. Men and women will always end up having friendships at one time or another. That's just how society is. There's nothing wrong with it, in THEORY, and it's not like you can stop it from happening. Men and women CAN have rewarding friendships if there's no attraction between them. But sometimes people get into "friendships" FULLY aware of an attraction being there, either on their part or even mutually. I really wonder what the hell they're thinking.

 

What I was most curious about, was whether or not the ladies here felt it would be hypocritical to shrug off any suspicions their boyfriends may have of a specific male friend and/or their intentions, when the commonly-held belief among a lot of women seems to be that "the best relationships" come from crossing that line WITH male friends. That seems like something of a paradox. Now, if your man's checking up on you 24/7 and sees "enemy" in the eyes of EVERY guy you know...that's likely just insecurity. But if a guy is wary of one person in particular, would you feel it wise to ignore his protests, considering that a lot of you seem to be a little nieve about what's going on in the heads of men in the first place? Some of the more weasely guys start friendships with women for the sole purpose of "working their way in", over time.

 

The whole issue just struck me as a bit of a contradiction. I wanted to know if I was alone on that. Ciao.

[Wolvesbaned]

It is a contradiction. Most people know full well that it's only a "pretend to be friends" game. For whatever reason I have no clue.

 

But then again I feel it's important to know who you're dating and after sometime your significant other should be your best friend. So maybe it's not when you become friends but that fact that a friendship is formed is what's important.

 

Note: This is coming from a person that never wants to marry again & wouldn't want to get into anything serious anytime soon (unless of course, it's my secret crush from afar) OK whatever I'm going to post my rant now.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

We talked about everything but her relationship. I never consider a subject like that appropriate for discussion between friends.

 

Good Lord, man! If only my ex would have had this trait!

[moimeme]

That is true, but I think you are missing the point. It's not all about you or what you would do. It's about what is on the man's mind, and what his intentions are

I think you just don’t understand the nature of men. When I see a hot chick (friend or not) I will at one time or another think about her sexually.

 

a lot of you seem to be a little nieve about what's going on in the heads of men in the first place?

 

Um. Seems some of you lads think that if a man sets his mind on getting a woman into bed, she has nothing to say in it and can only helplessly comply.

 

I don't give a flying flip what the guy friend's 'intentions' are or whether something's going on in his head; if I'm in a relationship, he can try until he's blue in the face (or elsewhere) but I'm no brainless fool who can be bamboozled into bedding him. As I said above, if committed, I wouldn't strike up friendships with people to whom I could be attracted so the people who would be left as friends would be ones I've already decided I'd never want to do anything else with, no matter what they happen to want. And they'd know it.

[Junie408]

I have quite a few male friends, and it's been this way for several years, and very few issues have arisen because of such. Two of them I am very close to: one is gay and we have an extremely deep brother/sister type relationship; the other is a story of his own but to keep it short there always has been a strong attraction between the two of us...but that's about as well as i can define it to keep it short.

 

The others I would say are kept at fairly good arm's lenghts, on both of our parts. A few of them I would say are attracted to me, not sure about some of the others. I usually hang out in groups with these boys (men?) and they flirt here and there but it's more playful than anything. I'm the only girl of the group and we hang out and do male-type activities; and I'd vomit being forced to watch a romantic comedy or go shopping so we're not doing this, either. I think because of the context it allows them to become less attracted to me, which is good. Sometimes male-female relationship complications are far too much to handle when I;d rather be reading a good book! Anyway, I just cannot be friends with females. Every one I meet, even the so-called "smart" ones, still create drama and boys are a major focus of their lives. I think it's my age (20) more than anything. Guys just want to sit around and play video games and watch TV with their friends. I like it that way.

 

The two very close aforementioned friends are the two people I tell everything to. I have one close female friend, and I talk to her too, but it's different than the two boys. This girl is a lot like me though, and her main group of friends is guys plus her boyfriend. It's nice to have a girl to talk to about stuff men may have trouble understanding..but really my guy friends only cannot relate the pains of menstruation with me Joking aside, this girl knows what it's like being a girl that runs with the boys and doesn't get along well with other girls, so that's nice. But I'd say she's rare.

 

So, I believe men and women can be freinds ONLY if they keep it at a distance. In terms of very close friendship, it's less likely. If either one is gay, then sure. But, usually someone's interested when you see extremely close male-female friendships. I know this from experience, as I've been a tomboy since birth, basically. I'm a loner-type so most of my friends I see in groups (though we all group up a lot)...I hang out one-on-one with very few.

[MassiveAtom]

Originally posted by moimeme

Um. Seems some of you lads think that if a man sets his mind on getting a woman into bed, she has nothing to say in it and can only helplessly comply.

Not quite Moi, In fact it's THAT she has a say in the matter that we have unrequited love.

I don't give a flying flip what the guy friend's 'intentions' are or whether something's going on in his head; if I'm in a relationship, he can try until he's blue in the face (or elsewhere) but I'm no brainless fool who can be bamboozled into bedding him. As I said above, if committed, I wouldn't strike up friendships with people to whom I could be attracted so the people who would be left as friends would be ones I've already decided I'd never want to do anything else with, no matter what they happen to want. And they'd know it.

Well now THAT's comendable.

[GirlDown]

Originally posted by Podna

 

 

PS. Please keep it in this thread... uncool.

 

sorry, hun...it was meant to be funny and lighten the mood cause i felt like i was being attacked a little bit for my views on what i know to be true in regard to myself...

 

but really, in that thread, i made a valid point.

 

sorry you were offended.