Losing Those I Love (May Trigger).

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Hi,

 

It's quite difficult to post my story here, but I do it in the hopes that this will help someone out there.

 

I suffered much neglect and abuse as a child. My father is a paedophile: abusive, violent and just about everything you could imagine about a predator and evil person. My mother died a long time ago, and she wasn't that much better. My twin and I were separated shortly after birth, and I was sent to various people, foster homes, orphanages, and boarding schools for much of my formative years. There were times I was sent back to the family home, where I failed to bond with these people who were my immediate family. My twin was cosseted and spoiled: my mother's favourite. In contrast, I was often abandoned and neglected, sent away, and told I was useless, ugly and stupid. When my mother died, I was pulled out of the safe environment I had been put - a convent - and I was sent home for good. What followed was an absolute nightmare as I was constantly stalked by, sexually abused and beaten on an almost daily basis by my father. I finally escaped aged thirteen, with the help of a sympathetic teacher. I was put in a boarding school environment and farmed out to fellow school pupils homes for the holidays. I left school aged 15 and I've taken care of myself ever since.

 

In the meantime, I have an older sister who developed severe bipolar the night my father attempted to rape her again when she was 25; and a brother who was put in prison for many years for serial rape. This is a direct consequence of the abuse we all suffered as children - I was there and saw the terrible violence inflicted upon my brother. He was an angry youth, and he hated my mother with a passion... Though I was just a child at the time, I remember the terrible things she shouted at him, the severe beatings handed out to him by both my parents.

 

It was like living in a war zone... I have no good memories of our childhood whatsoever!

 

As an adult, I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD. When a relationship ends, or beloved people die, I tend to fall completely apart. Major life events and trauma that people go through - and recover from naturally - typically for me, the grief and sadness go on and on, I get thrown back to that terrible time of major Abandonment when I was so alone as a child, and unwanted. I am in therapy now, and it's long overdue! What prompted it is my latest romantic relationship going South, and I came apart completely! It was tough, but with support and my own efforts, I came right, but it was dicey for a while!

 

Last year, I decided to go to the police about my father. He is retired now, and living happily with extended family in another part of the country. It disgusts me to know that he is surrounded by kids. The police have spent the better part of this year investigating mine, and my sister's cases. I was told last week that the police have vindicated our claims, and they want to interview and charge him within the month! I can't begin to tell you how this makes me feel! Finally - justice for my sister, my brother, and I! I've been so worried about what my father has been doing all these years! I couldn't proceed with a complaint till my sister was well enough - I have tried before, and it sparked off a manic episode, so I had to wait till she was in a good place.

 

What gets me after all these years is that though I've endured so much loss, losing someone never gets easier. I've had to cut off, or I've been cut off by important people in my life. I had to stop contact with my father for obvious reasons, a sister for using and abusing me, my ex whom I loved completely, but after he dumped me, I went full NC. Another brother cut me off because he wanted to rewrite our childhood into a Disney story, and is ashamed of what he's come from (I don't blame him, frankly!) and most hurtful of all, my twin has sided with my father, and cut me off completely because I went to the police instead of shutting my mouth as he bid me do a couple of years ago.

 

Except for my father, all the other losses have occurred within the past two years.

 

I often find myself feeling so abandoned once again, lonely, bereft, heartbroken that my twin has done this to me. If only he would turn that anger on my father... Where it rightfully belongs. I wrote my twin a final letter yesterday, begging for understanding, asking him to understand that it's my responsibility to protect others, especially children, from the depredations of my father. That I could live with my brother not talking to me ever again, but I couldn't live with myself if I sat back and did nothing, and I found out later that my father messed some other kid up! My brother responded by removing his profile from FB, and that was the only way I had to contact him!

 

It hurts so bad, but I'm coping ok, no coming apart, I am on meds, maybe that's why I feel distant?

 

I'm so sick of losing people, and great chunks of myself through the doings of others. When I look into the future, I feel it's hopeless, and I just feel more and more isolated by the day. How to get over this monumental despair and hopelessness?

[SpiritualAlchemy]

I've been reading a great book by Susan Anderson "From Abandonment to Healing" which might help others too. The advice in her book has proved invaluable to me. It's helping to connect the dots explaining some of my behavior over the years - the feeling abandoned, the crushing loss when suffering rejection, especially from a partner.

 

But how do you recover when it's your own family? Just so difficult, and that's what I'm struggling with at the moment.

 

At long last, mine and my sister's stories are being believed. You can't begin to imagine how many times I was sent back to that place, to endure worse abuse. I tried telling many adults of my situation, but was never believed.

 

So to be believed by authorities is so validating! After all this time!

 

My therapist has told me that love begins with me. In essence, the only person who will never abandon me is me. For many years, I've struggled with poor self-esteem and low self-confidence. Music has helped me a lot - I'm a musician and writer. Expressing pain through writing songs, poetry, and blogs has been immensely cathartic.

 

I don't want people to think I've just been sitting around, passively doing nothing.

 

But as you can understand, the pain is almost unbearable sometimes, if I think about the people I've loved and lost!

 

I'm just at a point where I know I must deal with this pain, that has at times made me ill.

 

The future ...I've never set goals, never planned anything. People in my life complain about this aberrant trait. Even planning tomorrow is beyond my comprehension. I now know it's because of the abuse I endured as a child. I could never plan for anything, because it would be ripped away, or it would be changed in an instant - I could wake up with my family around me, and by dinner time I'd be living in some home with total strangers. When my mother took me to an orphanage/convent, she said it was a "boarding school" and she'd see me the next weekend. I didn't see her for two years, or any of my family, till just before she died.

 

This is why I don't plan for things, so really, I've just drifted through life. It makes me sad to admit this.

 

I have so much work ahead of me, to fix myself. It almost brings me to my knees when I think about it.

 

I'm learning to be grateful for small things in life, like learning a new chord, or mastering a riff, and the people that I do have in my life now, who love me a lot, and support me...I am trying to seek comfort in the fact that at least I have dear friends.

 

But it doesn't stop the crushing sense of loss I feel at times, especially when I think about my twin. My twin! We're supposed to be there no matter what for each other! Hurts so damn bad!

 

Thanks for reading.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

I know I just posted this yesterday, my thread has 83 hits, but no one has commented?

 

Have I burdened people with this? If so, I apologise. Whenever I have shared this with people, they have abandoned me, disbelieved me, or they don't know what to say, it's beyond their comprehension.

 

I feel so damaged, I've lost so much, so many people have hurt or left me...I'm not usually the self-pitying kind, but as I look over my life... Unhappiness shrouds everything. My experiences at such a young age has shadowed and ruined just about everything I've done, every relationship I've been in. I've tried hard not to let it be so, but how does one recover from all of this?

 

This morning I woke up feeling terrible! I don't understand what my purpose is in life, why so much torment? My therapist is attempting to help me, but even she, a seasoned professional, is aghast when I recount certain memories. I just feel ruined, like I will never be whole.

 

It is hard for me to express things to people in real. My father conditioned me with violence to never look him in the eye, to never express anger or my feelings, so as an adult, I find it very difficult to tell people how I feel. Nobody ever wanted to hear what I had to say, ever! I guess that's why I'm here, on the internet, spilling my guts.

 

Thank you for reading.

[todreaminblue]

at heart level i fear abandonment .....but part of me doesnt fear it, i am used to it......i feel the loss deeply but i am able to go on regardless.....

 

my childhood was a bit of a battle zone but through it i had the constancy of my mother and my sister and grandparents who loved me....i suffer from ptsd and i believe i am a multiple.....childhood rape not going into it because this thread is about you......

 

 

i feel my faith has gotten me through not meds, and to a certain degree, no therapy could help me at my lowest and i have my low times.....

 

 

 

I found a church that holds my heart close..and in direct relation to that my soul is actually at peace....all of me turns there now when i go through things ....and it is getting less not more i go through ...which si strange but i seem to be avoiding what i have dealt with in the past ...its easier.....maybe i am winding down more settled, not as anxious anymore ill face what i have to..........resolute....more i guess........the beliefs the practices the people in the church who admit they arent perfect either, down to the organisation, the strength that holds and the direction and path i have always believed in......

 

i struggle when i dont get to say goodbye ....its not that i dont really get to say goodbye ....its i dont know how to...the vet didnt even want to witness me saying goodbye to my dog..no one i love can handle me crying...my eyes are very telling..... my heart breaks every time i try to say goodbye........when i love, i love hard regardless of the hurt i feel at them leaving which i prefer because i will not leave people behind....i would prefer in relationships to be dumped and not be the first to give up..........honestly though

 

 

 

ill deal with leaving and death when it happens....until then ill love them as much as i can......and it will hit me......i cant help that.......ill do what i can to heal if i dont get to say goodbye........ill write it......ill pour out the questions i never asked or the things i never said and ill send them up in prayers.......

 

i am not scared of relationships i am cautious because i invest me into them...and my heart is huge.......and i have never been accused of being heartless or ignorant...i have my days though.....i am passionate and i do fstand up fro what i believe in...i am also soft hearted and i accept that......i have to accept it even though othr call em pathetically soft hearted...ha..i am as strong as i am soft hearted.....and i get hurt......quite a bit.......doesnt mean i would change that ......because i wouldnt know joy like i have felt joy ......pure joy ....tears of laughter i have often had.....pure heart swells....just joy....and to have that i have known loss and overall i have always loved more than i have lost...whther or not it was reciprocated doesnt matter anymore....i know how to love hard..........so love and loss go together....

 

 

 

the sooner that comes to the forefront of your heart and mind the sooner you can enjoy it......dont fear what isnt here yet........enjoy the days you have left ......the time to mourn will come......there's always a time to mourn and grieve, if you didnt mourn you wouldn't have cared, nor would you stand beside and fight for what you love, if it didnt matter if it wasnt there anymore(does that make sense) it has to matter, it has to hurt.... ....adn sometimes we lose what we love.....we have to .....everyone has to.........thats how i feel ...all of me feels this way.....you have to know loss in life and love it is inevitable and cannot be avoided...doesnt mean you should live your life waiting for loss to happen but we do need to live the life we were given....and find happiness always and that is done in my line of thinking through relationships(reachign out and touching others lives, as they dissect our own) all the good and all the bad.

its all life....

its all love....

 

so we live it not fearing th egoodbyes.....but knowing they will happen................deb

Edited July 7, 2014 by todreaminblue

[mrs rubble]

Kia kaha. I have no idea what else to say to you. The justice system in NZ is pathetic, pleased to hear the police are taking things seriously for you and I wish you all the best in your quest for justice. It will no doubt be a difficult journey. Your courage is truely admiral.

[thekid36]

Hi,

 

It's quite difficult to post my story here, but I do it in the hopes that this will help someone out there.

 

I suffered much neglect and abuse as a child. My father is a paedophile: abusive, violent and just about everything you could imagine about a predator and evil person. My mother died a long time ago, and she wasn't that much better. My twin and I were separated shortly after birth, and I was sent to various people, foster homes, orphanages, and boarding schools for much of my formative years. There were times I was sent back to the family home, where I failed to bond with these people who were my immediate family. My twin was cosseted and spoiled: my mother's favourite. In contrast, I was often abandoned and neglected, sent away, and told I was useless, ugly and stupid. When my mother died, I was pulled out of the safe environment I had been put - a convent - and I was sent home for good. What followed was an absolute nightmare as I was constantly stalked by, sexually abused and beaten on an almost daily basis by my father. I finally escaped aged thirteen, with the help of a sympathetic teacher. I was put in a boarding school environment and farmed out to fellow school pupils homes for the holidays. I left school aged 15 and I've taken care of myself ever since.

 

In the meantime, I have an older sister who developed severe bipolar the night my father attempted to rape her again when she was 25; and a brother who was put in prison for many years for serial rape. This is a direct consequence of the abuse we all suffered as children - I was there and saw the terrible violence inflicted upon my brother. He was an angry youth, and he hated my mother with a passion... Though I was just a child at the time, I remember the terrible things she shouted at him, the severe beatings handed out to him by both my parents.

 

It was like living in a war zone... I have no good memories of our childhood whatsoever!

 

As an adult, I've been diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD. When a relationship ends, or beloved people die, I tend to fall completely apart. Major life events and trauma that people go through - and recover from naturally - typically for me, the grief and sadness go on and on, I get thrown back to that terrible time of major Abandonment when I was so alone as a child, and unwanted. I am in therapy now, and it's long overdue! What prompted it is my latest romantic relationship going South, and I came apart completely! It was tough, but with support and my own efforts, I came right, but it was dicey for a while!

 

Last year, I decided to go to the police about my father. He is retired now, and living happily with extended family in another part of the country. It disgusts me to know that he is surrounded by kids. The police have spent the better part of this year investigating mine, and my sister's cases. I was told last week that the police have vindicated our claims, and they want to interview and charge him within the month! I can't begin to tell you how this makes me feel! Finally - justice for my sister, my brother, and I! I've been so worried about what my father has been doing all these years! I couldn't proceed with a complaint till my sister was well enough - I have tried before, and it sparked off a manic episode, so I had to wait till she was in a good place.

 

What gets me after all these years is that though I've endured so much loss, losing someone never gets easier. I've had to cut off, or I've been cut off by important people in my life. I had to stop contact with my father for obvious reasons, a sister for using and abusing me, my ex whom I loved completely, but after he dumped me, I went full NC. Another brother cut me off because he wanted to rewrite our childhood into a Disney story, and is ashamed of what he's come from (I don't blame him, frankly!) and most hurtful of all, my twin has sided with my father, and cut me off completely because I went to the police instead of shutting my mouth as he bid me do a couple of years ago.

 

Except for my father, all the other losses have occurred within the past two years.

 

I often find myself feeling so abandoned once again, lonely, bereft, heartbroken that my twin has done this to me. If only he would turn that anger on my father... Where it rightfully belongs. I wrote my twin a final letter yesterday, begging for understanding, asking him to understand that it's my responsibility to protect others, especially children, from the depredations of my father. That I could live with my brother not talking to me ever again, but I couldn't live with myself if I sat back and did nothing, and I found out later that my father messed some other kid up! My brother responded by removing his profile from FB, and that was the only way I had to contact him!

 

It hurts so bad, but I'm coping ok, no coming apart, I am on meds, maybe that's why I feel distant?

 

I'm so sick of losing people, and great chunks of myself through the doings of others. When I look into the future, I feel it's hopeless, and I just feel more and more isolated by the day. How to get over this monumental despair and hopelessness?

 

Hi! No one has any clue what you have gone through and for any of us to try to generally understand would not be fair. I can specifically relate to some of what you are saying. My mom and dad both passed before I was five. My uncle was incredibly abusive. The verbal abuse is just as harmful and can tend to be more everlasting. As children, we are so vulnerable and innocent. Not always easy to get rid of all that happens to us.

 

For me, I struggled for a long time with low self esteem. I feared that all the negative was a result of my own doing. It was not until later on that I realized that nothing of my own actions would have changed anything at all that happened to me. We cannot control what happens to us. All we can do is decide how we choose to react.

 

You cannot let these incidents from your past dictate who you are as a person and the joy you are entitled to. Never let one person have control over your own happiness. Use what has happened to you as a gift of learning. Learning more about yourself as a deserving individual cannot help but be of a benefit. Taking all the negative and turning it into what is positive will help you going forward.

 

Sure, you can sit on the sideline and not have contact with anyone. There would not be any chance of being hurt and you would not lose a single soul. The only thing is that you would be existing. This is not nearly the same as living. With living comes the chance you will get hurt. There is also the possible rewards that are so priceless that words would not be enough to explain their value. You are worthy of being happy. No matter what happened to you when younger.

 

It is all not going to get better overnight. There is a lot of hurt that you still feel from your past. What you can try to do is take another step each and every day. This is what I do on this end.

Edited July 7, 2014 by thekid36

[RuralMama]

It may take some time to over come the conditioning of your childhood. But give yourself time and permission. You have value and purpose. Let your past be in the past. I am glad you have a therapist that is walking through this with you. You have not burdened anyone with your story, and have probably helped more than you can imagine. In fact, I feel like I may play a part in your future, simply because I was here to listen and can pray for you! Hugs friend!

[Tayla]

As heart wrenching as your past was, and no one here can walk that path and come out entirely without scars. You are in therepy and taking each day as it comes. Grieve the loss of innocence and yes its okay to peer back into the past to make up for all that came about. Do so with dignity for yourself. You seem like you are caught in the rip tide of emotions...Be gentle and kind to youself....you deserve peace and serenity in these healing years. May justice come swift to the perpetrator. Blessings to you...

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Thank you to all who have responded! I felt tears well up as I read every reply, feeling both buoyant and yet sad that perfect strangers can understand and support, yet my own family cannot.

 

It has been a difficult week, but I am learning slowly to live with this heavy depression, which is ever-present nowadays; and to work through it all with my therapist. I must prepare myself if there is a trial, and I must be strong, especially for my sister, and to somehow feel there is more to life than what has defined us thus far. Perhaps if I achieve justice - it will go some way towards giving us peace.

 

Sometimes I think that this IS my only purpose on this earth; to stop my father. I often tell myself that if it's the only thing of significance I do before I die, then I can finally rest easy. My harvest is coming, yet it is a bitter one, and I've ever experienced such chronic depression before. I still function, I go to work, I attempt to socialise, but deep inside I want to lock myself away in my apartment and never emerge again. It's safe there; sometimes the world hurts too much.

[SpiritualAlchemy]

Hi. I thought I'd post an update.

 

I am still in therapy, and funding has been approved for another year from the government.

 

My father was jailed for seven years and six months for historical sex and violence crimes last year. Our extended family was in court to hear the stories of myself, my sister, and brother. It was validating! He's still telling people from jail that we were lying...but he plead GUILTY and that says a lot! His excuse for abusing us? "Oh, it was done to me..." No, *******, you made that choice because you are deviant, sick, and a monster!!! Now you get to repent, at leisure!

 

After her latest breakdown, I took my sister into my home and I am supporting her towards wellness, which is hard at times, because I'm going through my own ****.

 

Most of my siblings don't contact me any more, but I feel I did the right thing.

 

I still have many low days. I was diagnosed by a psychiatrist and psychologist with clinical depression and anxiety. I may have to spend the rest of my life on medication, but I want to try and manage things naturally, with talk therapy and music without relying on meds. My own worst enemy is myself, when I give in and listen to those negative voices from my past. I try not to do that any more.

 

I am not alone. I have an amazing counselor, and an ex who is also my bestie, who has supported me through all this. But it's still a struggle, some days.

 

If you believe in such things...God never gives you more than you can bear.