Money Issue with Boyfriend

[livingjewel]

Dear Loveshack,

 

I'm wondering if you can help me.

 

I've been having a long distance relationship with a man who lives in England for the past 5 months. We get along wonderfully, he knows how to make me laugh, we both value commitment, we like the same things, we respect one another..and are basically on the same wavelength. We both have felt from very early on that the other was "the one". I confess I have never ever felt this way about anyone. He says the same. There's only one real issue I have with him that's bothering me, and I don't know how to approach it with him.

 

From the very first time he came to visit me in Canada, he was cheap. It was apparent it was difficult for him to part with money. I'd stop to fill the car up with gas, and he wouldn't open his wallet. I'd drive us into Toronto to visit attractions, and I'd be the one paying the parking garage fees. You get the picture.

 

He invited me to Paris for Christmas this year, and we ended up splitting most everything down the middle, although he did treat me to a meal here and there.

 

Our long distance phone bills used to be quite high -- with his being cut off at one point (it's since been reconnected). Then I stumbled upon these phone cards that allow me to phone him cheaply. Since he's learned of that, I'm the one doing all the calling now - he says he'll gladly contribute to the cost of the cards, but I'm starting to resent being the one doing all the calling.

 

We know we want to get married and have said this to each other, and we are both actively looking for employment in the other's country (he in Canada and I in England), to see who gets a hit first. We email each other throughout the day, and at night. Everything else about our relationship is great, except for this money issue I have with him.

 

By the way, he was at this parents house yesterday in England and asked if I would ring him on a phone card, giving me their number. I foolishly did.

 

He's been cheap since we first met, so my gut tells me it's not a question he doesn't love me....but that he's a bit of a taker and does not give freely. He was married before, and I sense the two of them lived high on the hog, got into financial trouble, and now he is very tight with money.

 

Your thoughts would be most appreciated...I need some pointers as to how to deal with him! I love him very much and do want this to work out.

 

Thank you for your time,

 

livingjewel

 

ps) His parents gave him close to $6000 at Christmas to bail him out of bills...and his sister gave him money to pay for his divorce.....

[Tony T]

Yes, and his ex probably got tired of paying for him to live high on the hog and divorced him.

 

The situation you describe will be fatal to your marriage. This guy is having very serious money problems and has no idea how to handle his finances.

 

If he had discussed this with you, that would be one thing. But it doesn't seem to bother him one bit that you are footing the bill for everything. You didn't say whether or not he ever expressed deep appreciation for you doing this on a "temporary" basis.

 

Your love for him could wear very thin and disappear if this one-sidedness doesn't disappear soon. You don't need to seek a job in his town so you can move there to pay all of your bills and help him with his too.

 

What you describe is extremely serious. From what you have written, I can't really tell if he's just a selfish bxstard or if he is simply very short on funds. However, again, if he hasn't discussed this with you or expressed gratitute for your generosity, you need to move away from this relationship quickly.

 

Difficulties with money matters are one of the top reasons for divorce. You don't need to come out of the starting gate of marriage with both hands tied behind your back.

 

If you actually think you love this guy, you need to court him a lot more. Visit him or have him visit you again when possible. If he doesn't pay for some things, confront him and see what gives. If you don't like his explanation, dump his butt.

 

Actually, you may just address this issue on the phone next time. Let him know just how you feel about his lack of contributing to anything while he was around you and his attitude towards paying for anything in the relationship in general. Approach this very sensitively and kindly. People would rather take their clothes off in public than talk about their money situation. He will probably get very defensive. He may even get angry and hang up. However, you need to tell him how you feel in the kindest way possible and then evaluate his response. You should have done this much much sooner.

 

No amount of love will help you surmount this deadbeat issue over a long period of time. Any guy who has a lady pay for so much without discussing why and expressing extreme gratitude is worse than a lowlife scumbag in my book.

 

How a person handles his money and relates to other people with it tells a lot about that person. If you do not resolve this soon, you will grow to resent him bitterly. It's already started. Don't let it get to an extreme point.

 

Maybe you should just be his friend via Email. It's free. This will be the most important decision you will every make about this relationship. I don't even think you know just how critical a point you have raised.

[livingjewel]

Thanks Tony - I really appreciate you taking the time to give such incredible advice. You sound right on.

 

I will say that when he first came to visit me in Canada, and I noticed his difficulty with parting with money, I did resent it quite quickly. As awkward as it was for me (and it was extremely - I mean, I barely knew him), I knew I had to confront him on it or I would stew and get really bitter.

 

Somehow (very delicately) I managed to convey my feelings to him...and after that, he was more forthcoming with offers to help contribute or pay for things. For example, we'd stop for gas and he's ask "Do you need any money?", etc. So I felt hopeful that he was capable of giving.

 

His father is Scottish, and whilst that's no excuse - it could be that he was raised in a family that was tight with money. It's hard for me to really know.

 

I think you're right in saying that he doesn't know how to handle his finances. I do know his ex-wife made a lot less than he did...so it's hard to imagine she was in a position to foot the bill for their lifestyle, which included lots of travel and expensive gifts (apparently she bought him a $700 camera once, etc.) I do know they had a joint banking account and he is "adament" that he never wants to have that again.

 

So to be honest, I don't know the full scope of what their money situation was, but I plan to try and discuss this with him soon, when he comes to visit in a couple of weeks. I know you're very right in saying money is the leading cause of divorce, which is why I'm scared about this issue.

 

One last question - do you think that even though it's cheaper for me to be phoning him from Canada using these phone cards, that I should be the one to always call him? It doesn't seem right (even if he does contribute to the cost of the phone cards).

 

Do you think that 50/50 is the way most couples do things now? What is your view on this?

 

Thanks Tony - very much,

 

livingjewel

 

Yes, and his ex probably got tired of paying for him to live high on the hog and divorced him.

 

The situation you describe will be fatal to your marriage. This guy is having very serious money problems and has no idea how to handle his finances. If he had discussed this with you, that would be one thing. But it doesn't seem to bother him one bit that you are footing the bill for everything. You didn't say whether or not he ever expressed deep appreciation for you doing this on a "temporary" basis. Your love for him could wear very thin and disappear if this one-sidedness doesn't disappear soon. You don't need to seek a job in his town so you can move there to pay all of your bills and help him with his too. What you describe is extremely serious. From what you have written, I can't really tell if he's just a selfish bxstard or if he is simply very short on funds. However, again, if he hasn't discussed this with you or expressed gratitute for your generosity, you need to move away from this relationship quickly. Difficulties with money matters are one of the top reasons for divorce. You don't need to come out of the starting gate of marriage with both hands tied behind your back. If you actually think you love this guy, you need to court him a lot more. Visit him or have him visit you again when possible. If he doesn't pay for some things, confront him and see what gives. If you don't like his explanation, dump his butt. Actually, you may just address this issue on the phone next time. Let him know just how you feel about his lack of contributing to anything while he was around you and his attitude towards paying for anything in the relationship in general. Approach this very sensitively and kindly. People would rather take their clothes off in public than talk about their money situation. He will probably get very defensive. He may even get angry and hang up. However, you need to tell him how you feel in the kindest way possible and then evaluate his response. You should have done this much much sooner. No amount of love will help you surmount this deadbeat issue over a long period of time. Any guy who has a lady pay for so much without discussing why and expressing extreme gratitude is worse than a lowlife scumbag in my book. How a person handles his money and relates to other people with it tells a lot about that person. If you do not resolve this soon, you will grow to resent him bitterly. It's already started. Don't let it get to an extreme point. Maybe you should just be his friend via Email. It's free. This will be the most important decision you will every make about this relationship. I don't even think you know just how critical a point you have raised.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "Do you think that 50/50 is the way most couples do things now? What is your view on this?"

 

Each couple has to decide individually, based on their ability. There is no rule or normal rate. I really don't think a lady should have to pay half all the time during a dating phase. I don't even think should should have to pay at anytime...but that's my own feeling. A lady paying in a dating situation should be more of a rare thing. Nowadays with men as selfish as they are, I guess it's become more common...but that doesn't make it right. Just come to some sort of agreement with him. I kind of think it sucks that it has to come to a formal thing at this stage in the relationship.

 

Once you're married and if both are working, then it has to be mutually structured. Once you have children, for a bit of time anyway, most of the burden would be shifted to him.

 

Don't even touch this guy if you have to say something to him or bug him for him to do the right thing. Get into his head, get to the bottom of this, find out exactly why he is this way.

 

This is a terrible signal for him to send out in a relationship.

[livingjewel]

Tony - thanks for such a quick reply. You sound so wise and I am listening closely to what you say.

 

I've decided to broach the phone card issue with him when he calls today (I asked him to call me today). I don't want to criticize him, or attack him, but rather wish to get into his head and open up the channels of communication on this issue.

 

This is a serious issue...do you have any suggestions for a good opening line that would help me start a constructive discussion with him on this money topic? I want him to understand the gravity of the situation.

 

Also, do you think his lack of paying is a sign of his lack of love for me? Since he's been this way from day 1, I don't see it that way, but I could be wrong. I just feel he's tight with everybody (even opening the CD he gave his brother for Xmas to tape it before giving it to him!)

 

Thanks Tony,

 

livingjewel

 

YOU WRITE: "Do you think that 50/50 is the way most couples do things now? What is your view on this?" Each couple has to decide individually, based on their ability. There is no rule or normal rate. I really don't think a lady should have to pay half all the time during a dating phase. I don't even think should should have to pay at anytime...but that's my own feeling. A lady paying in a dating situation should be more of a rare thing. Nowadays with men as selfish as they are, I guess it's become more common...but that doesn't make it right. Just come to some sort of agreement with him. I kind of think it sucks that it has to come to a formal thing at this stage in the relationship.

 

Once you're married and if both are working, then it has to be mutually structured. Once you have children, for a bit of time anyway, most of the burden would be shifted to him. Don't even touch this guy if you have to say something to him or bug him for him to do the right thing. Get into his head, get to the bottom of this, find out exactly why he is this way. This is a terrible signal for him to send out in a relationship.

[catt]

If the phone card thing is an issue, you may want to have him look into the same in England. I know for certain that they have the same deal there and it is incredibly cheap. I have a friend who can make a phone call to Canada for less than 10p a minute. Have him look into it.

 

Having said that, I believe that that is just the tip of the iceberg where this man's cheapness is concerned.

Thanks Tony - I really appreciate you taking the time to give such incredible advice. You sound right on. I will say that when he first came to visit me in Canada, and I noticed his difficulty with parting with money, I did resent it quite quickly. As awkward as it was for me (and it was extremely - I mean, I barely knew him), I knew I had to confront him on it or I would stew and get really bitter. Somehow (very delicately) I managed to convey my feelings to him...and after that, he was more forthcoming with offers to help contribute or pay for things. For example, we'd stop for gas and he's ask "Do you need any money?", etc. So I felt hopeful that he was capable of giving. His father is Scottish, and whilst that's no excuse - it could be that he was raised in a family that was tight with money. It's hard for me to really know. I think you're right in saying that he doesn't know how to handle his finances. I do know his ex-wife made a lot less than he did...so it's hard to imagine she was in a position to foot the bill for their lifestyle, which included lots of travel and expensive gifts (apparently she bought him a $700 camera once, etc.) I do know they had a joint banking account and he is "adament" that he never wants to have that again. So to be honest, I don't know the full scope of what their money situation was, but I plan to try and discuss this with him soon, when he comes to visit in a couple of weeks. I know you're very right in saying money is the leading cause of divorce, which is why I'm scared about this issue. One last question - do you think that even though it's cheaper for me to be phoning him from Canada using these phone cards, that I should be the one to always call him? It doesn't seem right (even if he does contribute to the cost of the phone cards). Do you think that 50/50 is the way most couples do things now? What is your view on this? Thanks Tony - very much, livingjewel

[Tony T]

You decide your own opening lines.

 

His unwillingness to pay either means he doesn't have the money or he is extremely selfish and/or greedy. He may also just be a user.

[livingjewel]

Thanks Tony. It's sad that in these times both sexes can be selfish, isn't it? I realize people can also be tainted by past experiences. I'll try my best to confront my boyfriend and hope he's responsive. I have the world to give and it would be really unfortunate if he was willing to let a $5 phonecard come between us. The issue is not money at all; it's all about how freely someone gives.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

livingjewel

You decide your own opening lines. His unwillingness to pay either means he doesn't have the money or he is extremely selfish and/or greedy. He may also just be a user.

[livingjewel]

Thanks catt. I appreciate your reply. I think you're right about them having the phone cards in England too. He'll have to investigate those if he wants to continue talking to me.

 

livingjewel

 

If the phone card thing is an issue, you may want to have him look into the same in England. I know for certain that they have the same deal there and it is incredibly cheap. I have a friend who can make a phone call to Canada for less than 10p a minute. Have him look into it. Having said that, I believe that that is just the tip of the iceberg where this man's cheapness is concerned.