xmm broke NC

[HBIC]

For those of you who didn't follow my thread, I broke up with my MM, told his wife, and initiated NC. XMM had a habitual habit of disregarding my wishes and needs during the A, and his latest action shows no change.

 

He mailed a handwritten note to my house asking me to update him on a non-relationship aspect of my life. It was polite and professional but totally unwarranted. This must be, yet again, just an attempt to keep the connection alive and get the ego stroke of a response out of me. By trying to keep the connection alive, he still wants to eat cake.

 

In addition to seeking support from all the wonderful folks here on LS, I've also been researching narcissism. My xMM seems to fit that label rather well: he is as charming as the best actor in the world but deeply empty on the inside. He lacks empathy for others (although is able to put on quite the show of pretending to care) and has a raging sense of entitlement. No never means no to him. I am also quite interested in spiritual matters, so in addition to NC, I have been thinking about ways to get him out of my head. Thoughts of him are a form of energetic vampirism. Yesterday, I made the out-loud declaration: "I withdraw my energy from you."

 

I know there are other fOW on here who have had to deal with ridiculously persistent xMM. Words of wisdom are much appreciated. Should I make sure his wife knows of the note? Or, as my gut is strongly telling me, is the best response NO response?

[Ruby80]

How long were you in NC when you sent you the note? Also, did YOU tell his wife about the affair or did he?

[Goodbye]

For those of you who didn't follow my thread, I broke up with my MM, told his wife, and initiated NC. XMM had a habitual habit of disregarding my wishes and needs during the A, and his latest action shows no change.

 

He mailed a handwritten note to my house asking me to update him on a non-relationship aspect of my life. It was polite and professional but totally unwarranted. This must be, yet again, just an attempt to keep the connection alive and get the ego stroke of a response out of me. By trying to keep the connection alive, he still wants to eat cake.

 

In addition to seeking support from all the wonderful folks here on LS, I've also been researching narcissism. My xMM seems to fit that label rather well: he is as charming as the best actor in the world but deeply empty on the inside. He lacks empathy for others (although is able to put on quite the show of pretending to care) and has a raging sense of entitlement. No never means no to him. I am also quite interested in spiritual matters, so in addition to NC, I have been thinking about ways to get him out of my head. Thoughts of him are a form of energetic vampirism. Yesterday, I made the out-loud declaration: "I withdraw my energy from you."

 

I know there are other fOW on here who have had to deal with ridiculously persistent xMM. Words of wisdom are much appreciated. Should I make sure his wife knows of the note? Or, as my gut is strongly telling me, is the best response NO response?

 

 

 

 

The best response is no response. My exMM is a lot like yours. Mine broke NC about every 2 months via various forms. I informed his wife. Then they tried to drag me into their ongoing problems...so I've decided that absolute silence on my end is the best way to go. He sent me a birthday email last week to my work account...just deleted it. No response is the only way to deal with someone who has such a sense of entitlement...entitled to your emotions and a life with his wife...nope.

[HBIC]

NC is about a month. I told his wife about the affair. I told him to leave me alone and blocked his lines of communication.

[Goodbye]

Did his wife indicate she'd want to know if he strayed again? How did she respond to your news? My exMM's W was initially grateful for the facts I provided, but then wanted ongoing communications to compare stories...this interfered with my healing. She had enough cold hard facts to know her H was a grade A cheater...but she was desperately trying to believe his gaslighting bull stories. So...I suppose you should let her know her H persists in contacting you if you believe it will be helpful to her and not harmful to you.

[Ruby80]

NC is about a month. I told his wife about the affair. I told him to leave me alone and blocked his lines of communication.

 

I would think he would have backed off after telling his wife. I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. There is nothing worse then trying to get over someone and then be forced to think if them. Maybe you should tell her again?

[HBIC]

The best response is no response. My exMM is a lot like yours. Mine broke NC about every 2 months via various forms. I informed his wife. Then they tried to drag me into their ongoing problems...so I've decided that absolute silence on my end is the best way to go. He sent me a birthday email last week to my work account...just deleted it. No response is the only way to deal with someone who has such a sense of entitlement...entitled to your emotions and a life with his wife...nope.

 

Goodbye, I am REALLY glad you chimed in to help me. Thank you! I've read your posts and knew your xMM was also one of those doesn't take "no" and a slammed door in his face for an answer kind of guys.

 

As I mentioned in my OP, this seems like a classic case of keeping the wife and trying to keep me somehow on the hook too. I have no interest in being a pawn in xMM and his wife's marital drama, so you're right, there is no point in telling her about the note. If informing his wife of the affair isn't going to stop him, nothing will.

 

XMM and I are in the same industry, so I do have to remain professional with him. To me, his note was an act of clinging to straws to try to get me to stay in contact.

[HBIC]

Did his wife indicate she'd want to know if he strayed again? How did she respond to your news? My exMM's W was initially grateful for the facts I provided, but then wanted ongoing communications to compare stories...this interfered with my healing. She had enough cold hard facts to know her H was a grade A cheater...but she was desperately trying to believe his gaslighting bull stories. So...I suppose you should let her know her H persists in contacting you if you believe it will be helpful to her and not harmful to you.

 

I've been trying to keep certain details of what happened rather vague to mask my identity, so, here on LS, I haven't gone into what happened with his W post-disclosure. I will say this, though, his W desperately wants to believe him. Me telling her about the note might be interpreted as an intrusion. What do I have to gain from telling her? Nothing apparently. XMM is a runaway freight train with no intention of leaving me alone. Any response would just be giving him a drama "fix."

[whichwayisup]

I would completely ignore the letter. Don't respond and continue on with NC. Your life and anything that happens in it is NONE of his business. Don't say a word to him about it. When your paths cross at work, only have work related conversations with him. If he tries to talk to you about anything else, just walk away. Don't even bother saying or explaining anything. He is looking for any type of reaction, good or bad. Don't give him that satisfaction!

[HBIC]

I would think he would have backed off after telling his wife.

 

Yes, any sane person would presume that a MM would go very, very far away after that.

 

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. There is nothing worse then trying to get over someone and then be forced to think if them. Maybe you should tell her again?

 

This is what I'm struggling with. But, like the case with Goodbye's xMM, I have a feeling I would be acting as a pawn in a dysfunctional marriage that thrives on drama and hurting myself in the process by keeping the connection with xMM alive.

[HBIC]

I would completely ignore the letter. Don't respond and continue on with NC. Your life and anything that happens in it is NONE of his business. Don't say a word to him about it. When your paths cross at work, only have work related conversations with him. If he tries to talk to you about anything else, just walk away. Don't even bother saying or explaining anything. He is looking for any type of reaction, good or bad. Don't give him that satisfaction!

 

Can I get a "Hell Yeah" to this great advice!

[whichwayisup]

Can I get a "Hell Yeah" to this great advice!

You're welcome!

 

He's a fricken dork. Really, wtf. You told his wife, there was a dday and he still is reaching out to you.

 

You ignoring him will make him suffer on some level, at least put a blow to his big fat ego.

 

lol, don't even get mad, just think how pathetic he is, and laugh it off.

[HBIC]

You're welcome!

 

He's a fricken dork. Really, wtf. You told his wife, there was a dday and he still is reaching out to you.

 

You ignoring him will make him suffer on some level, at least put a blow to his big fat ego.

 

lol, don't even get mad, just think how pathetic he is, and laugh it off.

 

You are right, the best response to this pathetic little fishing expedition is to ignore the note and (momentarily) feel sad for him that he is the kind of person that just. doesn't. get. it.

 

Well, I'm off to go have a fabulous day! Much love to all for the help.

[Scorpio Chick]

He sounds like a tough case. So how about turning the tables on him? Since his wife knows, and any further contact to her to inform her of his latest misdeeds and not honoring your privacy, how about contacting him?

 

How about you showing up at his house, unannouced, dressed to the nines, because you 'need to talk to him'? How about mustering up tears beforehand, and showing up there, mascara smeared, and banging on the door?

 

Maybe if he's a drama queen, sounds like he is, he might love it. At this point, you have a couple of options. Restraining ordrer, but you say you have to interact with him professionally. So that is why I'm suggesting basically, bugging the hell out of him. I know this isn't great advice, but if he's going to keep bugging you and there's nothing else you can do, maybe bring the issue to both of them, on their doorstep. Maybe the wife will grow a pair and make him put an end to it.

 

I'm beginning to wonder how many of these married men are/were mama's boys??

[MuddyRock]

I would mail the letter back with it addressed to mm c/o the wife

[HBIC]

How about you showing up at his house, unannouced, dressed to the nines, because you 'need to talk to him'? How about mustering up tears beforehand, and showing up there, mascara smeared, and banging on the door?

 

I would mail the letter back with it addressed to mm c/o the wife

 

Deep down, I think ANY further action just adds fuel to the fire. I want out of the drama. If he can't get a reaction out of me, eventually he will give up or his attempts will be less and less frequent and increasingly pathetic.

 

Epilogue: I took xMM's note with me on my day trip. My best friend and I tore it up into confetti sized pieces and threw it away. I didn't want that thing polluting my house. Incidentally, had an absolute blast of a day today

[MayP]

I can't help but imagine the glee on you and your best friend's faces on tearing it to bits and pieces

[still_an_Angel]

Ignoring all his attempts to contact is the best. You're doing very well, keep it up!

Wish you all the best, Angel

[Samantha0905]

For those of you who didn't follow my thread, I broke up with my MM, told his wife, and initiated NC. XMM had a habitual habit of disregarding my wishes and needs during the A, and his latest action shows no change.

 

He mailed a handwritten note to my house asking me to update him on a non-relationship aspect of my life. It was polite and professional but totally unwarranted. This must be, yet again, just an attempt to keep the connection alive and get the ego stroke of a response out of me. By trying to keep the connection alive, he still wants to eat cake.

 

In addition to seeking support from all the wonderful folks here on LS, I've also been researching narcissism. My xMM seems to fit that label rather well: he is as charming as the best actor in the world but deeply empty on the inside. He lacks empathy for others (although is able to put on quite the show of pretending to care) and has a raging sense of entitlement. No never means no to him. I am also quite interested in spiritual matters, so in addition to NC, I have been thinking about ways to get him out of my head. Thoughts of him are a form of energetic vampirism. Yesterday, I made the out-loud declaration: "I withdraw my energy from you."

 

I know there are other fOW on here who have had to deal with ridiculously persistent xMM. Words of wisdom are much appreciated. Should I make sure his wife knows of the note? Or, as my gut is strongly telling me, is the best response NO response?

 

NC is about a month. I told his wife about the affair. I told him to leave me alone and blocked his lines of communication.

 

I think you should think of her at this point. Not him. Not you. Just her. To truly combat narcissism.

 

Move on to no contact with him or her ever again. Step away and mean it.

 

In hindsight, narcissism is obviously apparent in these situations from anyone willing to participate (in these non relationships) -- both the married person and the person dallying with the married person. It's not pretty. Both are being very selfish.

 

Move forward. There's so much in front of you that can be so much more positive, spiritually uplifting, and a true blessing.

[HBIC]

There is definitely selfishness in being an AP, but OW typically aren't narcissists. It is clear from posts on LS of OW like PachucaSunrise that some OW struggle tremendously with the impact of their behavior. A narcissist lacks empathy for others. My other thread chronicles how thinking of xMM's W influenced my decisions.

 

XMM and I circulate in the same industry, so I can stick to NC in everything but the professional realm. I have communicated a clear boundary. I am mentally prepared for XMM to try to find a way to try to overstep it; it's just how he operates. But I can't control him, only me.

 

The gift for the OW/OM that comes out of being in this type of non-legitimate relationship is self-examination and repair. In the aftermath of an A, it is really important to fix what is broken as one moves on.