Realized the wrong, want to start fresh

[Philomena_Pond]

My ex and I broke up two months ago. I had NC with him for over 30 days…I worked on myself and came to grips with why we broke up and have moved on…however I want to see if a second chance is possible. He was the best boyfriend I ever had and we both entered into it not really ready for the relationship because of emotional baggage. I realize now that the reason why the relationship ended was because I was guarded because of a huge heart ache that really ****ed me up 6 months prior. I realize that he saw red flags in me because I was unwilling to give myself 100% to him…I feel terrible about it and if anything would like to at least apologize at some point.

 

I've come to grips with the fact that we may never get back together…I just want him happy and if that means without me then so be it. I'm also happy on my own, but I think the relationship ended hastily and without thinking it through…I don't think there is a REAL reason for ending it and I think the breakup was a mistake.

 

So after a month and some weeks of NC...

 

 

I send him a text on Tuesday and he responded so positively! I told him I stumbled upon a gift he gave me and it made me smile...He said that he was glad we had fond memories of each other and that he was going to reach out to me the day before to check up on me to see how I was doing, we made conversation for a few minutes about the amazing thunderstorm and how much we both love t-strorms, and he said he was glad i reached out and it was really nice to hear from me. I ended the conversation and he followed up with a have a nice day and telling me what he was up to.

 

Then Thursday he “accidentally” facetimed me, I didn’t answer…it rang 3 times. I sent him a message an hour later saying I was sorry that I missed it and he responded saying he must have butt dialed me while he was at the gym. Then that night, I was at the bar with a few of my girlfriends and as we were leaving, I saw him surrounded by people. I wanted to go say hi, but it’s the bar he worked at and I didn’t want him feeling like I was stalking him out because I wasn't and wanted to respect his evening.

 

I looked at my friend and told her that Dave was there and my friend grabbed my arm and pulled me away. I turned to protest and she pushed me out the bar. I made sure to smile and laugh through the whole thing just in case he saw me…I didn’t want him seeing me upset.

 

I got a text from him at 4:17am saying “Sorry if I stepped on your game tonight.” I responded at 1pm saying “Game? not quite sure what you mean?” He started texting and then nothing and then texting and deleting (iPhone you can see that stuff) then silence…so 15 mins later I sent him a message saying “i was catching up with some of my girlfriends last night. The weather is incredible today, I hope you have an awesome day!” and he responded “i was drunk and not entirely sure what I meant by that.” then “I’m heading to Ben’s to go swimming!” and I told him to have a great day.

 

I feel like he was drunkenly fishing to see if I was there to hit up guys or maybe to see if I’m still single? The only man I talked to the entire night was the waiter and that was to grab a beer...

 

I guess I need advice on how to interpret this and how to move forward? I was thinking of sending him another text saying, “Listening to music in my car and couldn’t help think how thankful I am that you installed this stereo for me and in zero degree weather no less!! You were always so thoughtful and generous. I always really liked that about you.”

 

What do you guys think?

 

Do you think he's open to possibly reconciliation? When we broke up we agreed that if things between us happen again it will happen naturally and not forcing us to try again…just reconnecting and seeing how it feels down the road.

 

Any and all advice is so needed!:bunny:

[d0nnivain]

A reconciliation is always possible. It's not always probable or a good idea. If you fixed what broke you up, you probably have some chance.

[Griesfootball]

I think break ups that aren't dealing with cheating/lying always have some chance

[Simon Phoenix]

I'm not sure I see anything there -- at least to this point -- which shows that he wants to reconcile. If I were you I would stop contacting him and see what he does from there. It seems like you are projecting what you want on to his actions and doing quite a bit of mental gymnastics to connect the dots. If he wants you back, you won't have to interpret his "signals". He'll make it loud and clear to the point where there's no need to spin.

 

But yeah, right now there's nothing that indicates that he wants to get back with you right now. He could just be being nice and polite right now. I'd chill and see if he ups the ante. He knows you are interested -- it's up to him to show unequivocal interest back.

[BC1980]

Who broke up with who? I think that's always important to consider.

 

I don't see anything in his messages suggesting that he wants to get back together.

[harrybrown]

If you want to know for sure, be honest with him.

 

Avoid the games, tell him you realize that you couldn't be open due to the pain a few months ago.

 

Tell him you would like to try again. Does not hurt to tell him how you feel, so that there are no feelings left hanging like the last time.

 

He sounded like a good guy if he was your best boyfriend. Tell him you would like to try again.

 

Good luck and hope it works.

[leoc1973]

As a guy... whenever I was done with an ex I would avoid her like the plague. If a guy has no interest he won't fish to see if you are there to hit up guys and most of the time won't even return your texts. And definitely not going to accidentally facetime you. One thing that always turned me off is when I have had interest in an ex and she gets all mushy. Like where you wanna say thank you for the stereo. Oh and he made it a point to let you know he was at the gym too. Do you know what the odds of butt facetiming a girl you just happened to see is? Pretty slim. He is reading the same stuff you are and trying to give you space and playing the 30 day nc game just like everyone else. As a guy take my advice. Ask him if he wants to get coffee or a drink. Don't over do it with memories and feelings and all that nonsense.

 

I wonder how many millions of couples that wanted to get back together never did because of all the "rules" I know I have at least one ex that I was dying to get back with at one point and years later she told me the same thing but she was giving me space. Just ask him out. Guys are really simple and dumb. We either want you or we don't. Show up looking good and see where it goes.

[Simon Phoenix]

As a guy... whenever I was done with an ex I would avoid her like the plague. If a guy has no interest he won't fish to see if you are there to hit up guys and most of the time won't even return your texts. And definitely not going to accidentally facetime you. One thing that always turned me off is when I have had interest in an ex and she gets all mushy. Like where you wanna say thank you for the stereo. Oh and he made it a point to let you know he was at the gym too. Do you know what the odds of butt facetiming a girl you just happened to see is? Pretty slim. He is reading the same stuff you are and trying to give you space and playing the 30 day nc game just like everyone else. As a guy take my advice. Ask him if he wants to get coffee or a drink. Don't over do it with memories and feelings and all that nonsense.

 

I wonder how many millions of couples that wanted to get back together never did because of all the "rules" I know I have at least one ex that I was dying to get back with at one point and years later she told me the same thing but she was giving me space. Just ask him out. Guys are really simple and dumb. We either want you or we don't. Show up looking good and see where it goes.

 

He also could be wanting to get some ass. That's a pretty basic guy dumper move -- sadly I used it in my younger years. If she's the dumped it's up to him to ask her. If she's the dumper, then it's up to her.

[Philomena_Pond]

I realized that my post about why we ended didn't show up here. Thanks everyone for the advice thus far!

 

Basically, we both came into the relationship with a lot of baggage. He was fresh out of a divorce (our first hang out marked the one year anniversary of his divorce) and I was merely 4 months out of a two year relationship with a Narcissist (I was left second guessing my judgement in love and was very guarded, even though I didn't really realize it til now).

 

We had a discussion near the beginning wondering if we were both emotionally ready for a relationship (we have known each other for 4 years and were talking on the phone as friends very regularly for two months before we started dating). Basically, we both knew it was a risk because we knew we may not be emotionally ready, but we couldn't stay away from each other. Our connection was really strong.

 

We didn't fight, disagreements (which were rare) were worked out through talking and resolved quickly and most of the time resulted from irrational fears from baggage (I would say something and it would remind him of something his ex wife did and he put his defenses up..we would talk through it and he realized that it wasn't me but his memory that hurt him and all would be well).

 

Then it came time to meet my parents, go to a few friends weddings and the relationship was starting to get "real." Keep in mind, I met his family and his friends really early on, but my parents were a little more reserved in this respect. There was a weekend where he was to go to a few parties with my friends, two weddings, and meet my parents the next day...it was A LOT. He told me it kinda freaked him out because this was the first relationship since his marriage (to a woman who married him, cheated on him many times, gaslighted him, belittled him, and basically really effed him up). He asked me to be patient with him but didn't tell me that he was really all that freaked...Kinda made it into a weird joke.

 

So I didn't take it too seriously.

 

One day, I was at his work (he has a side job as a bartender) and hanging out with his best friend. I told his best friend that I really loved him and that I was excited to have him meet my parents...etc...Suddenly after his shift he cancelled on me for plans we had that evening which was not like him at all. I got really scared because of my own baggage and accused him of not being committed to me because I'm a total idiot.

 

I broke up with him telling him I didn't want to risk getting hurt again.

 

So STUPID. I was so in love with him! I had a panic attack about being hurt like my ex and dumped him!!!

 

The next day he came over and was crying telling me he had no idea what he did to make me break up with him...that I was the first girl he was ever truely in love with and that now he's questioning his own judgement. He said "I keep telling myself if not HER who? If she's not my wife who ever will be?!" he said that i'm his future and he sees me as his wife but that he's so scared because things changed and became so terrible in his last marriage that he wasn't sure if he was ready to risk it all again.

 

A few weeks later we got together and within 20 mins he started kissing me and saying his heart was beating out of control. He told me that he couldn't be my friend...that I'm either 100% in or 100% out of his life and since he isn't ready to deal with "what I mean to his future" he couldn't have me in his life at all. He said "what if you find someone else? I don't want to see that...I'll be crushed. I can't just be half in your life...it would kill me."

 

I told him I wanted to work it out but he said "I don't think I'm ready for settling down and what you mean to me. I may move, I may get a new job...I need to work on myself and get my head straight and its not fair to either of us for you to be a part of this. I need to be alone." He also told me that if things were to happen again in the future they have to be natural and not forced by having some sort of a "can we work this out" talk. Which I agreed.

 

 

So 2 months later, I'm still head over heels for him. And realized that I was so guarded in the relationship because I was scared of being hurt. It was really wrong timing.

 

I DID send that message on Sunday...he responded right away and was being very playful about it. I asked him about his weekend and he started telling me about how is sick from strep, which was suprising to him because he is the healthiest he's ever been. I asked him about it and he said he's been working out every day and completely changed his lifestyle. He said "you know how I always struggled...I'm finally in a good place and happy with my health and body." He started putting winky faces in, I was telling him about how I've been doing hot yoga 3 days a week and he told me that I must look amazing now, but that I always did.

 

The conversation lasted 3 hours over text and he started sending me pictures of his arm muscles. He was continuing it and sending most of the texts. I ended it once, but he restarted it an hour later!! Shortly after we dated he did tell me that he always felt inadequate, not from anything I did or said, but he said that he didn't feel like he was attractive enough or fit enough for me (which is so not true...I thought he was gorgeous) so I thought it was a little interesting that he was sending me muscle pictures.

 

I made sure to end the conversation again after he told me he was really glad that I was staying healthy.

 

The thing is...I am not sure if I should continue to reach out to him or if I should just wait to see if he reaches out to me? This seems like a really good thing, but I'm a girl so I know I may be reading into things.

 

I've never had an ex treat me like this after a relationship and I've never gotten back together with an ex.

 

I want to wait a couple days to see if he messages me...maybe he's just confused about why I'm reaching out and is waiting for the same signs I am? I wanna ask him out but I'm afraid if things are too different now or maybe that he has realized that we really aren't supposed to be together or something.....but I think, what if he thinks the same thing about me? What if he's not asking me out because he's afraid I'll say I've found someone or that I've moved on.

 

Silly. I just can't shake this. I let the one good man in my life go because of fear that another instilled in my heart. I am thankful that he gave me the love he did and that I was able to experience it. I just wish I could have opened my heart enough to give him everything that the relationship needed.

Whatever happens, I'm just glad there are no hard feelings it seems and that he is doing well. He is really an awesome person.

[BC1980]

So what has he done to change and become emotionally ready for a relationship? Also, it's unlikely that real change has occurred after 2 months. It sounds like he is carrying more baggage than you from his previous relationship, which is something you can't fix.

[Philomena_Pond]

Who knows? Maybe there was no change that needed to occur?

 

And I do believe 2 months can have change occur. In the last two months I've gotten a totally new career, moved into a new home, pierced my nose, have been doing yoga 3 days a week..

 

I believe that change comes from realizations. I realized a lot about myself and realizing it made it suddenly happen. Maybe that's what happened to him?

 

There have been certain things in my life that have shocked a huge realization and made me live a different life immediately...some have taken longer periods of time.

 

 

Basically, I think the breakup was a rash decision and had no legitimate reason for ending. I think if I didn't pull the trigger, this wouldn't have happened.

[BC1980]

Who knows? Maybe there was no change that needed to occur?

 

And I do believe 2 months can have change occur. In the last two months I've gotten a totally new career, moved into a new home, pierced my nose, have been doing yoga 3 days a week..

 

I believe that change comes from realizations. I realized a lot about myself and realizing it made it suddenly happen. Maybe that's what happened to him?

 

There have been certain things in my life that have shocked a huge realization and made me live a different life immediately...some have taken longer periods of time.

 

 

Basically, I think the breakup was a rash decision and had no legitimate reason for ending. I think if I didn't pull the trigger, this wouldn't have happened.

 

He sounds very unsure of what he wants by the way you describe him, and that is a terrible dynamic if you are sure of what you want.

 

I don't agree that lasting change can occur in two months. It's easy to come to realizations about things, but actually acting on them and changing is different altogether.

[Philomena_Pond]

What would he need to change?

 

The thing is, he said he was absolutely sure of what he wanted...me...

 

And the fact that I dumped him made him freak out and second guess.

[Simon Phoenix]

So you broke up with him, are lonely two months later and want to go back even though you have no idea if the reason you broke up with him has been rectified? All sorts of red flags being thrown. And you doing yoga and piercing your nose isn't indicative of a major life change. Two months doesn't change a person permanently -- I would wait longer to make sure those changes have a solid foundation.

 

That being said, if you decide that you want him back for the right reasons, then you have to do the heavy lifting. You were the one to break up with him -- stop playing games and throwing breadcrumbs and tell him how you feel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you f--ked up and made a huge mistake and want to get back with him. Don't be cute, don't try to throw "signals", don't expect him to chase you -- be an adult and admit you screwed up and put yourself out there.

 

But do not make this move unless you can take him back as is -- it would be extremely bulls--t of you to try to get him back with conditions. If you really want him, realize you are taking him as he was, not with these changes that you hope will have suddenly appeared out of the deep blue sky.

[Philomena_Pond]

So you broke up with him, are lonely two months later and want to go back even though you have no idea if the reason you broke up with him has been rectified? All sorts of red flags being thrown. And you doing yoga and piercing your nose isn't indicative of a major life change. Two months doesn't change a person permanently -- I would wait longer to make sure those changes have a solid foundation.

 

That being said, if you decide that you want him back for the right reasons, then you have to do the heavy lifting. You were the one to break up with him -- stop playing games and throwing breadcrumbs and tell him how you feel. Tell him in no uncertain terms that you f--ked up and made a huge mistake and want to get back with him. Don't be cute, don't try to throw "signals", don't expect him to chase you -- be an adult and admit you screwed up and put yourself out there.

 

But do not make this move unless you can take him back as is -- it would be extremely bulls--t of you to try to get him back with conditions. If you really want him, realize you are taking him as he was, not with these changes that you hope will have suddenly appeared out of the deep blue sky.

 

I never wanted him to change and I don't think I had to change.

 

We just had fears because of some ****ty people. Sometimes that just means healing time. Why is everyone saying that someone has to change something in this scenario when it ended because I just got scared of being hurt?

 

I came to grips with why I felt afraid and realized how ridiculous it was. I don't want him back because I'm lonely...I'm surrounded by amazing people and am genuinely happy in my life. I will be happy with or without him, but I know that what we had was something worth coming back to because it shouldn't have ended. I want him back because I realized that it was a mistake, that the trigger was pulled too soon without a real reason for breaking up and it doesn't feel like the expiration date was hit. I feel like the breakup was a rash decision with no real reasoning behind it.

 

I love him for all his baggage or no baggage or whatever. I don't care. What we had was great and I made a mistake.

[Simon Phoenix]

I never wanted him to change and I don't think I had to change.

 

We just had fears because of some ****ty people. Sometimes that just means healing time. Why is everyone saying that someone has to change something in this scenario when it ended because I just got scared of being hurt?

 

I came to grips with why I felt afraid and realized how ridiculous it was. I don't want him back because I'm lonely...I'm surrounded by amazing people and am genuinely happy in my life. I will be happy with or without him, but I know that what we had was something worth coming back to because it shouldn't have ended. I want him back because I realized that it was a mistake, that the trigger was pulled too soon without a real reason for breaking up and it doesn't feel like the expiration date was hit. I feel like the breakup was a rash decision with no real reasoning behind it.

 

I love him for all his baggage or no baggage or whatever. I don't care. What we had was great and I made a mistake.

 

If that's the case, stop pussyfooting around and tell him you screwed up then. Don't play games hoping that he'll chase after you, because it's not his duty to chase after you. You broke it, you fix it. You need to tell him you made a mistake -- not tell us. No more playing games or throwing out signals -- it's time for you to make your intentions known.

[Philomena_Pond]

If that's the case, stop pussyfooting around and tell him you screwed up then. Don't play games hoping that he'll chase after you, because it's not his duty to chase after you. You broke it, you fix it. You need to tell him you made a mistake -- not tell us. No more playing games or throwing out signals -- it's time for you to make your intentions known.

 

You are so right…I did tell him I made a mistake after the breakup though…but honestly, I could understand why he wouldn't wanna take me back right away.

 

We have been texting for the last two weeks…I've initiated about 75% of them right now. He keeps talking about how his lifestyle has completely changed into a very healthy one (which was a big thing when we broke up…he told me he felt really inadequate (that it was nothing I did to make him feel that way) and that he felt like my eye would start to wander because he wasn't in good shape. Now he is SO RIPPED…It looks like he has been working out like twice a day for the last two months and keeps showing me pictures of his muslces…first started with a picture of him at the gym…then at home…then a bare back picture with him just in a towel! I respond positively but don't really flirt back yet…I'm scared to! I don't know why).

 

I haven't told him how I feel because that's inappropriate over texting or calling…and I feel like I would love to meet up with him to see what happens. I have a LOT going on in my life right now (just moved in an emergency, going on vacation this weekend, work is crazy) and I feel like I should be patient til it is the right time.

 

But, how do you know if an ex is flirting with you genuinely or its just a ploy to get in the sack with you? I've never wanted an ex back so I'm totally lost in his responses. We talk about other things too, but lately it's been a lot about health, yoga, the books we've been reading, he's been calling me a lot of nicknames he used to give me, inside jokes we used to have, and our bodies getting really ripped since we've both been working out (he said "We're both fit as f*** now!" and then sent me that pic of his back…in a bath towel…with the towel really low on his back….)

 

Ugh…

 

I wanna respond and I don't think he's the type to just use girls…He respected me but ya know things change and men are men. Plus I haven't been with ANYONE for 2 months out of choice and I'm starting to get a little worked up by this…

 

What do you think?

[Simon Phoenix]

You are so right…I did tell him I made a mistake after the breakup though…but honestly, I could understand why he wouldn't wanna take me back right away.

 

We have been texting for the last two weeks…I've initiated about 75% of them right now. He keeps talking about how his lifestyle has completely changed into a very healthy one (which was a big thing when we broke up…he told me he felt really inadequate (that it was nothing I did to make him feel that way) and that he felt like my eye would start to wander because he wasn't in good shape. Now he is SO RIPPED…It looks like he has been working out like twice a day for the last two months and keeps showing me pictures of his muslces…first started with a picture of him at the gym…then at home…then a bare back picture with him just in a towel! I respond positively but don't really flirt back yet…I'm scared to! I don't know why).

 

I haven't told him how I feel because that's inappropriate over texting or calling…and I feel like I would love to meet up with him to see what happens. I have a LOT going on in my life right now (just moved in an emergency, going on vacation this weekend, work is crazy) and I feel like I should be patient til it is the right time.

 

But, how do you know if an ex is flirting with you genuinely or its just a ploy to get in the sack with you? I've never wanted an ex back so I'm totally lost in his responses. We talk about other things too, but lately it's been a lot about health, yoga, the books we've been reading, he's been calling me a lot of nicknames he used to give me, inside jokes we used to have, and our bodies getting really ripped since we've both been working out (he said "We're both fit as f*** now!" and then sent me that pic of his back…in a bath towel…with the towel really low on his back….)

 

Ugh…

 

I wanna respond and I don't think he's the type to just use girls…He respected me but ya know things change and men are men. Plus I haven't been with ANYONE for 2 months out of choice and I'm starting to get a little worked up by this…

 

What do you think?

 

I think you need to s--t or get off the pot.

[Philomena_Pond]

I think you need to s--t or get off the pot.

 

HAHAH! I TOOK THE **** and stayed on the pot.

 

hahaha...I sent him a picture of my stomach that is crazy toned now from yoga over the last two months and he told me that my lower stomach always made him crazy...then he started telling me about how he was always in awe of me and all this super sexy/romantic stuff. I'm still weary about this being just sexual, but I ran with it and didn't let it become a booty call kind of thing. He also knows that I only have sex when I'm in a relationship with someone...but I also know he may be pushing the line so I can't just look past that in naïvety.

 

I ended the convo early and he kept it going for another 7 hours...kept messaging me all through the night til midnight, not only about intimate stuff but making jokes as well (he was working the second half of the conversation at a bar). Finally at night he said "That was some intense convo today" and "I wonder what is to come of that type of tension" I responded a while later "I think it would be great to get a coffee and catch up in the next couple weeks. I'm sleepy, night!" He said goodnight and told me "let's talk soon." And again...continued the convo about him being exhausted from work.

 

I just need to breathe...If he asks me to hang out I'll ask him to do something like get an evening tea, breakfast, or go to the zoo during the day. Something that doesn't involve night time, drinking, or an opportunity for a booty call. Sex never gets an ex-boyfriend back...I know this.

[Simon Phoenix]

HAHAH! I TOOK THE **** and stayed on the pot.

 

hahaha...I sent him a picture of my stomach that is crazy toned now from yoga over the last two months and he told me that my lower stomach always made him crazy...then he started telling me about how he was always in awe of me and all this super sexy/romantic stuff. I'm still weary about this being just sexual, but I ran with it and didn't let it become a booty call kind of thing. He also knows that I only have sex when I'm in a relationship with someone...but I also know he may be pushing the line so I can't just look past that in naïvety.

 

I ended the convo early and he kept it going for another 7 hours...kept messaging me all through the night til midnight, not only about intimate stuff but making jokes as well (he was working the second half of the conversation at a bar). Finally at night he said "That was some intense convo today" and "I wonder what is to come of that type of tension" I responded a while later "I think it would be great to get a coffee and catch up in the next couple weeks. I'm sleepy, night!" He said goodnight and told me "let's talk soon." And again...continued the convo about him being exhausted from work.

 

I just need to breathe...If he asks me to hang out I'll ask him to do something like get an evening tea, breakfast, or go to the zoo during the day. Something that doesn't involve night time, drinking, or an opportunity for a booty call. Sex never gets an ex-boyfriend back...I know this.

 

That's really not what I'm talking about. You need to ask him out on a proper date (you hinted at one, but you really didn't ask) and tell him how you feel, that you made a mistake and you want him back. Yes, you need to be the one to initiate, because you are the one who broke up with him.

 

Right now you are just breadcrumbing the hell out of him and hoping that he does all the work. Since you were the dumper, it's up to you to make the big moves. As for the whole "booty call" thing, well, that's a risk you have to take if you are serious about getting back with this man. You seem to think it's his duty to rectify something that you broke. That's not the way it works.

 

Honestly, the flirting, while fun, is just dancing around the issue. When I say "s--t or get off the pot", that means its time for you to do something substantial. You are still playing games.