How do you know when it's over?

[trying2decide]

OK. Where to begin. To get a few things out of the way, I’ve read many posts here but this is my first time posting. Also, I’m posting this message in two or three forums, so don’t think I’m a robot or something. I’m just trying to collect some feedback.

 

The quick details are: I’m 30s, so is my wife, we have three kids, one that’s 8 and twins that are 2. We’ve been married almost three years now.

 

My main question is this: how do you know when it’s really over?

 

Everything I can read says “You just know when it’s over.” Or “It’s over when you can’t stand the idea of the other person living and have fantasies about their death.” And the like.

 

But does it really have to get that far? Wouldn’t it be better to call the relationship what it is before it gets angry and hurtful like that?

 

I’m reading a lot of horrible stories of people in really bad situations: physical abuse, emotional abuse, neglect, alcoholism, violence, cheating. I’m fairly confident that there’s nothing like that going on in our relationship. But I still feel that we are growing apart. I feel very little love between us.

 

My wife has issues with anxiety that cause her to be very tense when she’s not on medication. And unfortunately, she prefers to be off her meds. (I understand that they make her feel “in a haze.”) And we HAVE been through counseling three times already in our marriage. These times match up almost exactly to when she goes off her meds, but that’s not the point.

 

She’s brought up the “what are we doing here?” conversation at dinner before (on a “date night”… fun, right). And I didn’t know what to say. I’ve been unhappy, but never really considered it. But now I’m starting to. To me, the real problem is how do you know when it’s really time to get out? As opposed to a “rough patch”? Everyone tells me that relationships have their ups and downs. Ebbs and flows. I get that. And I know there were generations of people who stuck through loveless marriages. I get that too. My parents divorced when I was in 6th grade. But by high school, half my friends’ parents were divorced.

 

I’m not trying to be in another relationship with someone else. This whole experience has frankly turned me off to the idea of marriage. I’m happy to just focus on my kids, my work, my family, and myself. But I don’t know if I’m calling it quits too early.

 

How do you know?

[PegNosePete]

It is over when one party decides it's over.

 

There is no "rule". It's a decision you have to make. If you want to stick or fold is totally up to you. Nobody can make that decision for you.

[sugarlove]

I left my ex husband when I was 28, with 4 year old twins and a 2 year old toddler. Still, that didn't change the fact that it had to happen, despite trying for years to salvage the marriage, to my own detriment.

 

When do I know it's over? When I start dreading the next day to wake up in the same house as him, knowing the same argument we had today will be the same crap we'll argue about tomorrow. WHen I start feeling like a single mom and no longer in a marriage. When the house started to feel empty and cold and void of any happy memories. When I looked at my 3 kids and felt the desperation to take them away from something so poisonous and toxic.

 

You will know when it's over, it's the moment when staying in the marriage is worse than death, when you walk around the home feeling dead and numb. When you finally see that the only way your kids will have any chance at happiness is when you give up saving this, when before you felt guilty of the exact opposite.

 

When you have still have hope, it's not yet over. It's when you've tried it all and nothing change... and hope dies. Then it's over.

[trying2decide]

@Pegnosepete: Thanks for your feedback. I know it's going to be my decision to make. As I'm sure was the case with most people posting and reading here, I'm just trying to sort out some complicated feelings. I'm not trying to quit without trying, but it's hard to see the benefit of more couples' therapy some times when we've gone through it three times and always end up with the same arguments.

 

@sugarlove: This makes a lot of sense. And it's similar to something someone else said: "When your desire NOT to see your spouse every day is greater than your desire TO see your kids everyday." That's a very difficult thing to wrestle with for me. I would put up with a lot--a LOT--to be with my kids and keep them together. My gut is telling me that if I feel that way I haven't hit rock bottom yet.

 

I'm thinking of approaching her for one last go at it. To me, that's more important right now than not having to deal with her. When the kids get older I want to be able to truthfully say we did everything we could. I don't know if we've done that yet.

[Mr. Lucky]

The quick details are: I’m 30s, so is my wife, we have three kids, one that’s 8 and twins that are 2. We’ve been married almost three years now.

Your relationship with your kids will never be the same post divorce. Unknown as to whether that means better or worse.

 

With that in mind, I'd exhaust every avenue including IC before I left. There's much riding on your decision and it should be based on more than general dissatisfaction...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Decisiontomake]

Hi there

 

 

If you want to search some of my old posts you'll see I had the same feelings as you - trying to work out if it were; a rough patch, incompatibility, wonderlust, blah blah blah. It took me years, and I mean years - at least 7 to keep going through that cycle. I separated just over 2 months or so now.

 

 

It's not easy - it really isn't - sometimes if there were something tangible to lay your hat on it would be easy to make that the reason for the decision to be made. My separation thus far has been amicable, and I hope it will continue that way. I, like you, do not believe you need to let the rot really set in before you try and exit a relationship in a good way.

 

 

For what it's worth, my epiphany moment came when my husband and I were arguing and I just thought "I don't want to live like this anymore, nor put him through this" and that was it - sounds simple right, but it was anything but!

 

 

Anyway, hope this helps a little.

[beach]

I knew it was over when I decided it was over and I took steps to prove it was over.

 

My actions matched my decision. Then my words communicated to my exH clearly that I had taken the action that showed perfectly well that he wasn't a part of my life any longer.

[central]

IMO, it's over when you can't make a good case for continuing, and have perhaps tried marriage counselling without any real positive change. Obviously, with young children you don't make such a decision lightly, and their welfare is important in any decision. Unhappy parents teach kids to model dysfunctional relationships of their own someday, so it can be better to not expose them to a bad relationship.