firmness Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Someone once told me that you should never EVER admit to cheating. If they find out, they find out. If not, then you are off the hook. Your guilt is the price you pay. Besides, it is taking the deception off your shoulders and putting that weight on your partner's shoulders. So, what do you think? Please indicate if you see any gender differences in this regard. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 That logic is silly 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SycamoreCircle Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 This may sound provocative but I think people who cheat want to be caught. Maybe not have their SO walk in on it, that's too much. But in an indirect way, the cheater wants to be found out. Just my opinion. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 No I would not admit it. Ive had two gfs admit it to me. One broke down with guilt. The other fell in love with the guy and broke up with me to be with him (it lasted 4 mths lol). I don't see the point in doing something sneaky to then confess. Its like cheating on your taxes then telling the IRS and paying back taxes and a big fine. The same principle with dealing with police should apply to cheating. You don't admit to anything, and let them prove they have enough evidence to your lawyer for your lawyer to advise you on the best course of action. This might be what you are hinting at OP. That even if your partner presents you with suspicions or weak evidence, should people continue to deny it. I expect many cheaters would, but not all. The ones wracked with guilt would confess. The more cunning, manipulative, selfish ones (the cake eaters) - no. They will wait till there is a definite proof shoved in their face. Even then you hear many cases where they try to justify it, or blame shift or downplay it to a EA. I know people on here hate the term 'ignorance is bliss', but it is. People hate the thought that someone is doing the dirty on them, so say its not with the assumption they know are getting cheated on, but many people in reality have/are being cheated on and have no idea because their partner does not change their behavior. Why wreck that situation if you are the cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 Yeah, I would agree with this philosophy. My wife cheated and I wish I could un-know that fact. If I wouldn't have found out then i wouldn't have had to deal with all the pain and rejection. No reason to tell as far as I'm concerned. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I don't know guys I'd rather know than not. I'm open for any and all kinds of diseases and whatnot. It's not easy but I'd still want to know. If it's an established relationship then this kind of stuff is painful. Assuming you are riding clean Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 7, 2014 Share Posted July 7, 2014 I'd probably break up with the person I cheated on so on some level that would be an admission. I certainly wouldn't volunteer the info but if asked directly I wouldn't lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author firmness Posted July 7, 2014 Author Share Posted July 7, 2014 That logic is silly I wouldn't say that the logic was silly. It may not sit well with you, but it is not silly. I have heard the argument about STD's and that makes sense. But it is more complicated than that. So Keke - if you cheated you would tell without being asked? Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I wouldn't say that the logic was silly. It may not sit well with you, but it is not silly. I have heard the argument about STD's and that makes sense. But it is more complicated than that. If think some people do over do the STD aspect on here. Ive seen some of the posts more so from angry wives that talk of the husband risking the families lives with aids. Just a tad melodramatic. Chances are the husband is having an affair with a co-worker or his secretary or a single mom neighbor or one he met at a parent teacher night or the wife of a friend. The vast majority of husbands are not in love and rendezvousing with a crack whore in an abandoned warehouse in the grungy side of town. Some hard up ones will be meeting women on craigslist but I think it would be a small minority. Of course there is the risk. If you do take precautions you can minimize it. You can still get not so obvious ones, but most people also take that risk when first get together and don't request clinic tests. Your fiance could have slept with dozens & dozens of partners beforehand (or various persuasions) and numerous times skipping a condom. There is possible risk already of latent std. Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I wouldn't say that the logic was silly. It may not sit well with you, but it is not silly. I have heard the argument about STD's and that makes sense. But it is more complicated than that. So Keke - if you cheated you would tell without being asked? I honestly can't say. Truthfully, I think my conscience would take me under quickly. How about just not doing it at all? Why do you have ppl have to be selfish? If the other person does find out you could ruin their trust toward others. You aren't just ruining the relationship between you and her. It's more complicated than that Link to post Share on other sites
Author firmness Posted July 8, 2014 Author Share Posted July 8, 2014 I honestly can't say. Truthfully, I think my conscience would take me under quickly. How about just not doing it at all? Why do you have ppl have to be selfish? If the other person does find out you could ruin their trust toward others. You aren't just ruining the relationship between you and her. It's more complicated than that First of all, I am not thinking about cheating. I cheated on my ex wife when we were dating 20 years ago and it ruined our marriage two decades later (or that's the excuse she gave when SHE cheated on me). I will never EVER f-ing cheat again. Lessons learned. Karma has paid me back a hundred times over and I will never concede the moral high ground again. And while I appreciate your response, you did not answer the question. You sound somewhat judgmental and clear about this, but you say that it is complicated and avoid answering. I agree - let's never cheat. But IF You did, would you tell? Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I would always pick being told to if a partner of mine cheated the thought of wasting your life with a lier is unbearable not to mention it would unravel in the future at maybe at worse times like when your married with kids. It also makes getting over someone and realizing they were not for you better. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Keke1 Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 First of all, I am not thinking about cheating. I cheated on my ex wife when we were dating 20 years ago and it ruined our marriage two decades later (or that's the excuse she gave when SHE cheated on me). I will never EVER f-ing cheat again. Lessons learned. Karma has paid me back a hundred times over and I will never concede the moral high ground again. And while I appreciate your response, you did not answer the question. You sound somewhat judgmental and clear about this, but you say that it is complicated and avoid answering. I agree - let's never cheat. But IF You did, would you tell? I have not been in that situation thats why i said i truthfully would not know. I am being judgemental because cheating is a selfish choice. I was saying the after effects are complicated or could be. That person may never trust again. Not you but anyone. Which affects their life after the cheating. Not all cases but i believe we have seen or heard enough about the damage. I would not want to put someone through that pain or experience it myself. Just leave is the best thing to do in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
jen_r Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 YES I would tell, but I never ever ever would. I never have and cheating doesn't even cross my mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted July 8, 2014 Share Posted July 8, 2014 I wouldnt enjoy having to disclose unfaithfulness..i would have a very heavy heart...but my heart would not allow me to be dishonest and hide..it would make me sick.......i would accept the consequences ...this burden is something that cant be choked down...it needs release and i would release it...whatever happened is what i would deserve to happen...the mess i created would be one i would have to clean up....for this reason alone....i do not and will not cheat on a partner....it woudl destroy me to tell...and i wouldnt have a choice....so i choose not to cheat in the first place.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 By not telling them you cheated you are denying them their right to choose whether they want to be with a partner who has been unfaithful. I hate the idea of staying with a cheating partner. I would be furious if I was denied the choice of seek out a non cheating partner. It's just plain crappy to not tell a partner. They may be strongly against being with a partner that cheated even if it was once in 50 years. If you truly cared for the one you cheated on you wouldn't deny them the right to have a cheating free relationship. This thread is terrible. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
somedude81 Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 If I somehow screwed up and cheated I would definitely tell her. Though most likely I would break up with her out of guilt and shame. Link to post Share on other sites
Omei Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 Would I tell the person? Probably not. However, I also wouldn't stay with them if I cheated. I would just break things off and say it's not working out. I would rather spare their feelings and not mention the cheating. No reason to make the breakup more hurtful than it has to be. But in that note one could say knowing you cheated would make them get over your relationship easier I know this would be the case for me I took it real bad when my ex left me simply because he didnt want me anymore. I wish he had cheated it would if hurt way less to know hes a pig. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 9, 2014 Share Posted July 9, 2014 YES I would tell, but I never ever ever would. I never have and cheating doesn't even cross my mind. Same here. Then again, I know betrayal already (not cheating though, that would have been much easier) so I'd sooner cut my wrists than do that to anyone else. And if I was cheated on I'd want to know so I can quickly get tested for STDs and break up as soon as possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author firmness Posted July 14, 2014 Author Share Posted July 14, 2014 Some have mentioned STD's and others have mentioned "having a choice" to be with a faithful partner. Another said that this is a "horrible thread". All are valid responses. AND: 1. The STD thing is a very real thing, but from a probability perspective the chances are not all that great. Someone else posted about this ...compellingly. 2. Choice also makes sense, but that is only when you know. Right? Think about what this implies - I want to know if my partner cheats so I can leave him/her. So all I care about is fidelity - forget love, emotions, families, children, money, marriage. friends, jobs, and the thousands of other little tethers between you, it is all about cheating. That is wrong on a number of levels. I get that cheating is wrong, and I agree. But the response is more nuanced than I think most people realize. 3. This is not a terrible thread - unless honesty is terrible. Think about what this implies too. "I do not want to deal with reality and anything that threatens my Disney viewpoint is horrible. I am not supporting cheating. My ex cheated on me and it has devastated me in every way imaginable. AND I wanted to hear from folks who have an opinion on the disclosure thing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JS84 Posted July 14, 2014 Share Posted July 14, 2014 (edited) If I wanted to remain in the relationship I would. Mostly because if I was cheated on I would want to know. I don't think it's fair to basically lie by omission to maintain a relationship under false pretenses. I feel people have the right to know they've been betrayed by someone that close to them and be able to decide whether they want to stay with a cheater or not. I've also never bought the "it's selfish to tell" argument which seems like a cop out. Yes living with the guilt is hard, but I feel the fall out of a confession or getting caught is MUCH harder which is why people avoid it. And to justify their cowardice cheaters convince themselves that by staying silent and lying to their partner even more they're really "doing the right thing". Which is bull****. They tell themselves living with the guilt is punishment enough. As if confessing to what they've done is automatically going to make the guilt go away and they'll face no consequences. It's nonsense. If I cheated and didn't plan on telling however then I'd probably just end the relationship. Edited July 14, 2014 by JS84 2 Link to post Share on other sites
iamawesome Posted July 15, 2014 Share Posted July 15, 2014 Get STD tested first. If you are clean, just break it off immedietly. There's no need to hurt your partner by telling them you cheated. Continuing the relationship is an injustice to yourself AND your partner. If you feel the cheating was a mistake and you are madly in love with your partner then too bad, break it off anyways. You likely need time for personal development and reflection, or something else is wrong. In anycase, if you cheat, break it off and spare the details. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I cheated years ago on a bf, he also cheated on me (first, which is why I did). One of his mates told him that I'd been cheating with another guy- when it was actually the friend who told! So I confessed and told him that I'd been unfaithful with his mate. He dumped me and bad mouthed me, but stayed mates with the big mouth. I found our flatmates underwear in our bed one day and another day I caught him half dressed under a blanket with another friend.....he denies to this day he cheated. I've never cheated since and I never will again. If I could turn back time.....I think I'd lie and deny like my ex did. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 I'd tell the truth here but lie through my teeth to my partner. Unless I wanted to break up with them of course. That's the reason you admit to cheating, to try and get rid of them. Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted July 16, 2014 Share Posted July 16, 2014 2. Choice also makes sense, but that is only when you know. Right? Think about what this implies - I want to know if my partner cheats so I can leave him/her. So all I care about is fidelity - forget love, emotions, families, children, money, marriage. friends, jobs, and the thousands of other little tethers between you, it is all about cheating. That is wrong on a number of levels. I get that cheating is wrong, and I agree. But the response is more nuanced than I think most people realize. All these things would be based on lies. Love? Forever shattered with infidelity (for me! Maybe there's someone out there who doesn't mind because they forget easily etc), emotions would become unpredictable and cause suffering on my part, family would turn into a forceful "smile until you fall asleep" thing for the sake of the children, money can't buy happiness (although with my career I won't have to worry about money), and the marriage vows lost their meaning. Friends remain friends, except for me telling them that they may please do not share any news of the cheater with me everything would be as it was. Job? If I did work very closely with the cheater, well, there's always another hospital I could go to work in. This isn't just about fidelity. I want a partner who has my back and who can trust that I'll have his, us against the world so to say. It's about reliability and trustworthiness. This may sound extreme, but if I knew that my partner had these two qualities despite cheating, I could care less who he has sex with (although the STD thing would mean that it wouldn't be with me anymore). Well, too bad that both of them become questionable when the act is done. Hence why I'd take my leave. Link to post Share on other sites
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