If you cheated, would you admit it?

[ascendotum]

All these things would be based on lies. Love? Forever shattered with infidelity (for me! Maybe there's someone out there who doesn't mind because they forget easily etc), emotions would become unpredictable and cause suffering on my part, family would turn into a forceful "smile until you fall asleep" thing for the sake of the children, money can't buy happiness (although with my career I won't have to worry about money), and the marriage vows lost their meaning.

 

But it would only be like that if he/she (your cheating partner) got busted by you through carelessness or by accident or they confessed to it. Probably everyone here has been burned by a cheater, some it hit a lot harder than others, but it is only because they found out the truth. There is another thread running here 'why do happily married men cheat' and I agree with quite a number of the more pragmatic posters on that. Someone here says cheaters want to get caught, maybe the ones who fall in love with the OW/OM or the ones who don't love their partner anymore (and wont get cleaned out in a divorce), but I believe the vast majority do it ruled by their selfish desires but also not wanting to effect their primary relationship partner. With them never ever discovering the cheating episode..the above ^ would never eventuate. No trust has been broken if the cheater keeps his infidelity his/her dirty little secret.

 

I'm not pro cheating, just pragmatic. If I had been cheated on in a marriage and was head over heels in love with my wife at the time, I would likely have a different attitude.

[Shimi]

I've cheated before. Both times were during a 'new' (previous) relationship, where boundaries and expectations of exclusivity had yet to be established, but it was infidelity nonetheless. Not something I'm proud of.

 

(The relationship didn't last long and never progressed beyond the dating phase, for other reasons.)

 

Drunken infidelity both times. Never went as far as penetrative sex, because my conscience, albeit late, did kick in at some point. But I did cross the line. Somersaulted across it, more like.

 

...and what I discovered frightened me: it's incredibly easy to cheat, and get away with it.

 

I didn't even feel much remorse. I'm by no means a sociopath, quite the opposite really (unless I'm a rare specimen suffering from severe self-delusion). But yeah. No consequences. Surprisingly little guilt.

 

Would I admit it? I'd love to say that my deception would be a heavy burden to bear, and that I'd feel compelled to reveal my duplicity, etc., but I know the truth: I wouldn't say a word.

 

It's easier not to have to deal with the drama, it's easier not to disappoint a person you like, or lose their company. Also, I suspect I'm not alone in possessing an almost infinite capacity for rationalisation and self-justification.

 

I don't think I'm necessarily representative of the general populace in that regard (I sure hope not, or this would be a much more depressing world to live in), but plenty of people like me - selfish cowards, essentially, in relationship matters - exist.

Edited July 16, 2014 by Shimi

[Harradin]

I've never cheated, but I have had the opportunity to but didn't act on it. She ended up cheating on me and dumping me. I still wouldn't have cheated. But if I did cheat on a future spouse I'd have to fess up, I can't lie to save my life and I'd feel too guilty about betraying her considering how awful I felt when I found out my ex cheated on me!

[dragon_fly_7]

I have never cheated but if I were to, then more than likely the relationship has to end right there. What's the point of being deceptive?

 

And other than hurting the partner terrible, what's the point of trying to even fix this by telling? I mean, seriously by confessing, does anyone really think that even decreases the pain that you already betrayed them? It decreases nothing. It would just mean you're only relieving your guilt but you still have to deal with the aftermath.

 

I would just break up if I even had the urge to cheat. So no, I'd probably not tell but I wouldn't be with them any longer since they don't deserve that type of treatment.

[No Limit]

No trust has been broken if the cheater keeps his infidelity his/her dirty little secret.

 

That's even more sad. The cheater turning his/her own life and that of their partner into a sham.

[SharM]

 

And other than hurting the partner terrible, what's the point of trying to even fix this by telling? I mean, seriously by confessing, does anyone really think that even decreases the pain that you already betrayed them? It decreases nothing. It would just mean you're only relieving your guilt but you still have to deal with the aftermath.

 

It's not that you wouldn't tell because you don't want to hurt the other person. You wouldn't tell because you don't want to see the pain YOU caused. Not telling is cowardly, not kind.

As a prior poster said, it would lessen the pain somewhat because otherwise the betrayed one would wonder what he/she did wrong to get dumped. If it wasn't something he/she did, they could get over you faster. It would hurt but at the end of the day they would know there was something wrong with you, not them.

[Priv]

This topic somehow always comes up when I enter a new relationship, and I always tell them I would like to know as I would like to have some choice in the matter. Hasn't helped two times so far but hey... miracles do happen

[HomanWater]

No I would not admit it. Ive had two gfs admit it to me. One broke down with guilt. The other fell in love with the guy and broke up with me to be with him (it lasted 4 mths lol).

I don't see the point in doing something sneaky to then confess. Its like cheating on your taxes then telling the IRS and paying back taxes and a big fine. The same principle with dealing with police should apply to cheating. You don't admit to anything, and let them prove they have enough evidence to your lawyer for your lawyer to advise you on the best course of action. This might be what you are hinting at OP. That even if your partner presents you with suspicions or weak evidence, should people continue to deny it. I expect many cheaters would, but not all. The ones wracked with guilt would confess. The more cunning, manipulative, selfish ones (the cake eaters) - no. They will wait till there is a definite proof shoved in their face. Even then you hear many cases where they try to justify it, or blame shift or downplay it to a EA.

 

I know people on here hate the term 'ignorance is bliss', but it is. People hate the thought that someone is doing the dirty on them, so say its not with the assumption they know are getting cheated on, but many people in reality have/are being cheated on and have no idea because their partner does not change their behavior. Why wreck that situation if you are the cheater.

 

I hope I don't need to elaborate on this, but I would be REALLY unhappy if I found out my partner treats me like if I was IRS or police...

 

2. Choice also makes sense, but that is only when you know. Right? Think about what this implies - I want to know if my partner cheats so I can leave him/her. So all I care about is fidelity - forget love, emotions, families, children, money, marriage. friends, jobs, and the thousands of other little tethers between you, it is all about cheating. That is wrong on a number of levels. I get that cheating is wrong, and I agree. But the response is more nuanced than I think most people realize.

Ummm, not even close.

Cheating being a showstopper is NOT equivalent to every other thing not mattering at all. I don't know how would you even arrive to such outlandish conclusion. People can have dealbreakers, y'know?

And if other person knows you would want to know and still denies you the knowledge, you can't help but question how seriously they take you.

Edited July 20, 2014 by HomanWater