Are these good reasons to divorce a guy who is otherwise sweet and faithful to you?

[SoleMate]

My husband doesn't want to move out because he's waiting for one of the tenants from one of the back houses (also owned by his mom) to either move out or die, so that we can move in there and pay lower rent.

Waiting for the tenant to DIE? Great plan! How old is that tenant? Also 31?

 

But seriously. It's up to you how to live your life. One thing is clear, you have ALL the info you need to make a decision. You know exactly who your husband is and how he behaves. You don't have to waste time wondering about when or how he will change because he both know he won't. His life is exactly what he wants it to be.

 

Myself, I'd be throwing half-packed suitcases in the car and burning rubber out of the driveway, stopping off for some MFT counseling to help myself understand and correct whatever thought pattern got me married to that grub-like individual in the first place, then heading permanently out of state.

 

P.S. I have to take issue with your post title - your H is not sweet, he didn't even feed you lunch when your hands were too painful to prepare your own food. But I understand you still have tender feelings for him. So I will authorize a goodbye kiss - "This is the end, Junior" - on your way out the door for the last time.

Edited July 17, 2014 by SoleMate

[pteromom]

We live with his mom.

My husband works part time as a greeter at a theme park because he doesn't have to work full time.

 

It is perfectly reasonable to want your own HOME, and to want to be the lady of your own house, vs. an adult child in his mother's house. Seven years of that is enough!

 

Here's what I would do. I would make a plan to leave and get your own place. I would tell him of this plan... and it will be his choice to come with you or not. If he comes with you, he will be expected to pay half the rent/mortgage and other expenses. (Don't worry yet about where he will get that money - even if he gets it from his mom, it's a baby step in the right direction. One thing at a time.)

 

Put DATES down in regard to your plan. So he has time to prepare, financially and emotionally, to leave. He will know exactly what is happening when.

 

The few times that I've gotten really sick in our marriage, he hasn't been very supportive. When I'm healthy he's incredibly sweet and promises the world, but when I've been sick, I caught him a bad mood and so he couldn't be there for me much. One time I had a really bad skin condition where my hands were practically mauled, and he groaned and hesitated because I asked him if he can go buy me lunch because I couldn't make anything. It makes me wonder how it'll be when I'm old and really in need of a helping hand. Also, would I want to take care of his older self after seeing that?

 

He's not really an adult yet, so it is hard to say whether this will change if he gets out on his own.

 

He doesn't like going out-- I do. I love trying out different places-- he doesn't. HE thinks it's just something guys do when they want to get in a girl's pants, but that if you're married and comfortable you shouldn't have to do all that stuff.

 

So go. Go out with friends. Always invite him, but if he doesn't want to go, don't get upset. Just say "I'm going to that new Chinese place with Stacy tonight at 6. Do you want to come with us?" Set up the expectations so it is never a surprise to him.

 

COMMUNICATION. Talking about these topics with him is impossible. He is complete denial.

 

Focus not on what he does, but on what you need. Be sweet and kind and inclusive, but stand up for what you want, and make it happen.

 

all our discussions conclude with, "It appears you are not happy with me. Maybe you'd be better off with someone else who can lie to you, tell you what you want to hear for a little while, spend on you for a short time, and give you the bs life you dream of. Why are you with a loser like me?" ETc. etc.

 

Maybe. But one thing is for certain. This guy is still a boy. In order for any change to happen, you are going to have to step up as the leader of this marriage and make it happen.

 

I don't know if as his wife, I should be patient with all this

 

Nope. The time for patience is over. The Age of Action has arrived.

 

He can choose to come along for the ride or not. But you need a better life than living in someone's mom's house.

 

What do YOU think?

 

I think first you start with being more assertive about changing your own life. And see what happens with him. He may decide not to come with you and it will just work itself out.

[BetrayedH]

I haven't read the entire thread so forgive me if I repeat the thoughts of others.

 

Personally, I don't see this as divorce-worthy. I see it worthy of a demand for marriage counseling. Marriage is a partnership. It involves compromise. Instead, it sounds like you're just make concessions.

 

In this case, I wouldn't make marriage counseling an option. It's his turn to compromise. He can keep this appointment or you can make another with a divorce attorney. Then you take this nicely typed list of marital issues with you.

 

But don't just keep conceding. That leads to resentment (which is clearly already forming) and resentment will kill a marriage.

 

Good luck.

[hecate433]

Thanks for the recommendation! I just got it on Kindle. Look forward to reading it! DId it help you come to a decision? What's your favorite part of this book?

 

I recommend the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum

It helps to make things clearer.

For me personally the unwillingness to help in bad times would be a deal breaker. Things will get tougher as you get older especially if you have children.

[hecate433]

I completely agree with you with everything you said. In your case, it is completely different and actually noble of you to take care of your mother.

 

My husband DOES have skills. He is one of the most intelligent men I know. He loves to read, he is very cerebral, got an AA in computer science, knows how to put a computer apart and back together, knows more software applications than I do-- yet I work at a magazine and he works as a park greeter. I tried getting him in at my company, but he DOES-- NOT-- WANT-- TO. He says he is more focused on longevity and that he sees the park will never go out of business, whereas anywhere else there may be more money but the business will probably fail. It hurts me to see him working on his feet, greeting people all day, when I know that he's capable of so much more. Yet, he says he wants to retire there.

 

Last weekend we had an argument about this, and he told his mom that he was going to divorce him because I keep pushing him to get another job. His mom got angry at me, they both accused me of harrassing him, and she told him to not listen to me, that what matters is HIS happiness and peace of mind. "Are you happy at that job?" she asked. "Yes," he sobbed. "Then that's all that matters! You will always have my support." Later that evening he cried to me, said that he didn't mean what he said, begging me to not leave. I haven't yet, while I decide what to do....

 

hecate433,First off I have to ask, does your husband have any skills? I mean like a degree in something he can get a job in or a trade? Truthfully moving out on your own without having a job to support yourself is pretty scary. I mean after all this would be the first thing I would be thinking about if I was in his shoes.

 

Now with that being asked/said there is another major problem. That is his mom giving him stuff. You husband has never had to rely on himself for even basic stuff like food, shelter, etc. Another thing is that from what you have said your husband does not understand how to budget his income. So it sounds to me like your husband is living as if he was still a teenager without the responsibility of an adult. Whichwayisup may have it right in that your husband may have an anxiety disorder.

 

Myself I use to get upset when a woman would put in her dating profile that she would not date a guy that lives with their mom. However in my case when my mother was living with me it was because she needed someone to help take care of her. I was actually paying the bills in the house with my full time job that I had. I took care of my mother until she passed away. However your case is different, in that your husbands mother may have prevented him from growing up. So you may want to seek MC and even IC for him. Mainly is what needs to be addressed is your husbands fear of responsibility. I am willing to bet that if you two did move out that your husband can still rely on his mother for help if needed. However he does not seem like he wants to even do that. I am sorry to say this, but your husband may not grow up until he has to. Try to get him to go to IC and MC with you and see if he improves. If not you may have to divorce him if you have a problem living like you have to right now.

[hecate433]

I love your entire reply, thank you for the great insight.

 

It is perfectly reasonable to want your own HOME, and to want to be the lady of your own house, vs. an adult child in his mother's house. Seven years of that is enough!

 

Here's what I would do. I would make a plan to leave and get your own place. I would tell him of this plan... and it will be his choice to come with you or not. If he comes with you, he will be expected to pay half the rent/mortgage and other expenses. (Don't worry yet about where he will get that money - even if he gets it from his mom, it's a baby step in the right direction. One thing at a time.)

 

Put DATES down in regard to your plan. So he has time to prepare, financially and emotionally, to leave. He will know exactly what is happening when.

 

 

 

He's not really an adult yet, so it is hard to say whether this will change if he gets out on his own.

 

 

 

So go. Go out with friends. Always invite him, but if he doesn't want to go, don't get upset. Just say "I'm going to that new Chinese place with Stacy tonight at 6. Do you want to come with us?" Set up the expectations so it is never a surprise to him.

 

 

 

Focus not on what he does, but on what you need. Be sweet and kind and inclusive, but stand up for what you want, and make it happen.

 

 

 

Maybe. But one thing is for certain. This guy is still a boy. In order for any change to happen, you are going to have to step up as the leader of this marriage and make it happen.

 

 

 

Nope. The time for patience is over. The Age of Action has arrived.

 

He can choose to come along for the ride or not. But you need a better life than living in someone's mom's house.

 

 

 

I think first you start with being more assertive about changing your own life. And see what happens with him. He may decide not to come with you and it will just work itself out.

[revelations]

I completely agree with you with everything you said. In your case, it is completely different and actually noble of you to take care of your mother.

 

My husband DOES have skills. He is one of the most intelligent men I know. He loves to read, he is very cerebral, got an AA in computer science, knows how to put a computer apart and back together, knows more software applications than I do-- yet I work at a magazine and he works as a park greeter. I tried getting him in at my company, but he DOES-- NOT-- WANT-- TO. He says he is more focused on longevity and that he sees the park will never go out of business, whereas anywhere else there may be more money but the business will probably fail. It hurts me to see him working on his feet, greeting people all day, when I know that he's capable of so much more. Yet, he says he wants to retire there.

 

Last weekend we had an argument about this, and he told his mom that he was going to divorce him because I keep pushing him to get another job. His mom got angry at me, they both accused me of harrassing him, and she told him to not listen to me, that what matters is HIS happiness and peace of mind. "Are you happy at that job?" she asked. "Yes," he sobbed. "Then that's all that matters! You will always have my support." Later that evening he cried to me, said that he didn't mean what he said, begging me to not leave. I haven't yet, while I decide what to do....

 

Ahh, you just told me a lot in this post. Even with an AA in computer science it can still be difficult to get a job in that field. A lot of companies now will outsource their IT department. Also a lot of these places require recent experience. Now don't get me wrong I am not trying to make excuses for him. Truthfully he can start his own business, and build and repair computers for private homes and maybe get small contracts with local businesses. At least that is the direction I would look at. However that is just for the job thing.

 

The big problem to me sounds like your not just married to your husband but his mother also. I am not saying that to be mean, however that is what I get from what you have posted. Your husband is trying to make you and his mom happy at the same time. Trouble is that you and his mom want different things from him. Remember that your husband loves his mom and feels safe, after all she is always their for him financially (among other things). Your husband is probably afraid of ticking his mom off and loosing that safety net. His mom is probably using that safety net to control him. Kind of an unhealthy mom and son relationship, at least as adults.

 

I'd be careful with the approach on this one. Remember that some people can be very sensitive in this situation. However I would seek marriage counseling in this case. I really don't think that this is a case of your husband not wanting to grow up. This might be a case of he is being prevented from growing up. MC would probably be the best route to try first. Trouble is that your husband needs to see what is going on himself and then make the decision because he wants to. Like I said, you are competing with his mom and he is trying to please you and his mom. Sad part is that whichever way he chooses one of you will be hurt. However the truth is that his mom should support him on getting better work and moving out with you since your married. This is why I say his mom may be using that safety net as a means of control. If his mom wasn't then she would also be bugging him to get better employment. Just be real careful and start with MC first, your husband has to come to this conclusion on his own and decide how to deal with it. Feel free to PM me if you want. I wish you the best on this.

[HereNorThere]

Has he ever been tested for adhd or aspergers? The obsessions, procrastination, relationship with his mother, etc. are signs that there may be some underlying issues that he could be treated for. If you love him, start with couples counseling and see if the counselor would recommend him per individual counseling. I think that's a really great place to start.

 

He's a good guy who treats you well, so let that be worth something. Don't give up on him unless he flat out refuses to grow up.