Why Do Happily Coupled Men Cheat??

[michellew]

I hate to admit this, but I recently slept with a friend who is in a serious relationship. It was a complete moment of weakness. (My best friend had just passed away, I went out with him for some drinks to escape, and ended up escaping with sex as well.) I was in my own world at the time and the fact that he had a girlfriend didn't even cross my mind.

 

Ever since, he has continued to pursue me as more than just a friend. He texts things like, "I can't stop thinking about you...You're so amazing...I want to kiss you again...can I take you to dinner?...Etc". I don't have feelings for him, but I've been down this road before and refuse to be the other woman/homewrecker again no matter how great the sex is. It's just wrong.

 

I'm just curious as to why he is still trying to pursue me? From the looks of the things his girlfriend posts on his facebook page, he is happy and in love. I understand why miserable men cheat, but not happy ones. They aren't married, living together, or have kids together, so he's definitely not staying out of obligation. Like I said, they're in love. So why does he want to cheat??

[hoping2heal]

You mentioned weakness, and that's really what cheating is about. There's always a level (sometimes several) of weakness. Which is why in given situations those who are weak fall prey to affairs.

 

Just because your friend's relationship looks happy on FB does not make it so. There's a reason your friend cheated. If it isn't weakness from being unhappy it's much worse. The kind of man who cares only about his feelings (I think the weak ones do actually care about who's being hurt, but they're not exceptional - just weak so there ye find they)

 

Sounds like the sex was good and he wants more of it.

[Leigh 87]

Because they are selfish jerks who put their feelings ahead of their partners. This isn't true love, because with true love, your partner puts your needs ahead of their own (and vice versa, true love to me is when BOTH partners are prepared to compromise and sacrifice for the benefit of their partner being happy).

 

Not all cheaters are BAD people, per say.. they could be altruistic and feed the homeless and have a lot of empathy and feel darn rotten about their cheating! They are still weak though and need to come clean, feel the pain of their partners heartbreak and strive to actively avoid making the SAME mistake. They have to realise they were scum and try their absolute best to be a better person. THESE PEOPLE ^^^^ were sh*tty and selfish but they may still be good people if they are like what I described above and take preventative actions, possibly including professional help (therapy).

 

A lot of cheaters are just selfish low lifes!

 

Best avoided at all costs:o

[Clockwork]

By the way, don't let a person's Facebook status explain how they are feeling. I always find that the ones who constantly post things like "I love my boyfriend/husband he's the greatest" or go overboard with that stuff are probably more likely to not say that stuff when they are alone together. Just from experience from what I've seen with friends. No one wants to let on that their relationship is in trouble.

 

With this guy, it obviously is. Maybe he isn't happy, maybe they are miserable together. It doesn't excuse his behaviour but no truly happy man does this.

[Smilecharmer]

They don't cheat unless something is broken within them. They have ego issues or they don't really love their gf or wife or they think you are better in some way and the Grass is always greener. FB isn't a reflection of what a relationship really looks like as it is people putting their best foot forward.

[Moonborn]

I hate to admit this, but I recently slept with a friend who is in a serious relationship. It was a complete moment of weakness. (My best friend had just passed away, I went out with him for some drinks to escape, and ended up escaping with sex as well.) I was in my own world at the time and the fact that he had a girlfriend didn't even cross my mind.

 

Ever since, he has continued to pursue me as more than just a friend. He texts things like, "I can't stop thinking about you...You're so amazing...I want to kiss you again...can I take you to dinner?...Etc". I don't have feelings for him, but I've been down this road before and refuse to be the other woman/homewrecker again no matter how great the sex is. It's just wrong.

 

I'm just curious as to why he is still trying to pursue me? From the looks of the things his girlfriend posts on his facebook page, he is happy and in love. I understand why miserable men cheat, but not happy ones. They aren't married, living together, or have kids together, so he's definitely not staying out of obligation. Like I said, they're in love. So why does he want to cheat??

 

If he cheats, he is not happy with his relationship. As simple as that. I am not trying to justify his behaviour mind you, but if he wasn't missing anything from it he wouldn't even notice you exist as a female.

[Charlie Harper]

If he is really in love, and loves his girlfriend, he would not have sex with you, maybe it was a moment of weakness but afterwards?

 

People who cheat while in a good relationship are broken, PERIOD.

 

In my life I have met tons of people who like conflict, friction, and deceit, to feel alive.... that is not healthy ..

 

avoid him like the plague

[Lernaean_Hydra]

So why does he want to cheat??

 

Sometimes people who cheat do so out of a combination of weakness and ease of access. Some may never think twice about an attractive person in their vicinity nor purposely seek out an affair, but if sex is offered they don't turn it down. Are they broken on the inside? Are they not really in love? I'm not sure I'd say that's always the case. Sometimes things aren't really that complicated.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's not happily coupled if he's sleeping with other women, and pursuing them after.

 

And let's be honest: you say you don't want to be a homewrecker, that it's wrong. But you have already slept with an unavailable man. You need to acknowledge those two things are contradictory. Your words and actions don't match up, either.

 

Continue to avoid him. And think about what will happen if his girlfriend finds out. Be prepared to deal with the fall-out.

[changchewsoon]

Yes it seems like he is a very selfish person with total no regards of his girlfriend's feelings.

 

May I suggest that you lay things out with him telling him that it was a mistake and you do not want to continue this?

 

He should respect your decision and keep a distance with you. But somehow I think we all have a funny feeling that he is gonna ignore it and continue to pursue you, because he had easy sex with you in the first place.

 

Might want to warn him that if he doesn't respect your wishes, you may consider telling his girlfriend. But of course, be prepared with all the drama that is coming.

 

Then, the next thing that you would need to is go strict NC.

[KathyM]

Some men are easily swayed and easily seduced, even if happily married. Call it having a weak character or weak impulse control. Some men are just selfish and feel entitled to indulge themselves in whatever suits their desires at the time. They may be perfectly happy with their marriage or relationship, but feel entitled to indulge themselves.

[Justanaverageguy]

I'm a slightly jaded individual who who has recently been cheated on (never cheated myself) so bare that in mind when reading my response below.

 

I did a lot of reading on why people cheat when trying to come to terms with my own situation and trying to put the pieces together. This might be a bit sciency and fact based - removing some of the emotion from the equation but (sadly) I also know several male friends and also female friends who have cheated - some of them quite closely and I've discussed this with them - so I think I have some personal insight as well.

 

I think to be perfectly honest men and women cheat for the exact same reasons. They are biologically driven to. We have created a cultural myth where we believe men and women are meant to stay together for life. That it is "normal" to be married for life. In actual fact science and biological studies show the natural mating period for humans is only actually around 4-5 years. You know all that crap they teach in school about men wanting to spread their seed ... it applies to women too. It's human instinct to be attracted to and want to have sex with more then 1 person.

 

From a biological perspective its actually unnatural for couples to stay together longer then 5-6 years - its why there are so many divorces around 5-7 years after relationships start (Check the divorce stats). I think to stay together longer then that requires two people of strong character who understand themselves and their partner and are willing to make sacrifices and control their own impulses and urges to stay together. That seems to be less and less common in modern society.

 

Also there are two primary feelings or emotion involved in love - attraction and attachment. The attachment feeling is designed to keep couples together .... the attraction to bring them together in the first place. These act on the brain in much the same way as drugs do. Like drugs some people are more susceptible to one drug over another and are especially susceptible to it when they have not taken/felt it for a long time.

 

Its normal for the attraction feeling one has for a partner to diminish over time. Humans get bored when faced with the same thing over and over again. It sounds like a horrible metaphor but - Do you eat the same thing for lunch every day ??

 

Now that this guy has slept with you it has awoken feelings of attraction and sexual desire he has not felt in his own relationship for a very long time. Sex with a new partner is much more intense then sex you have with a long term partner. He hasnt felt the way he does about you with his wife for a long time .... he is hooked on that feeling and wants more of it.

 

I think if you could have an honest conversation with the guy - he would probably tell you he still loves his wife .... and feels absolutely terrible about what he has done and is doing but "just can't help it". Poor excuse I know ... but thats what the guys I know who cheated said. He likely still has very strong feelings of attachment to his wife but has lost the sexual desire and attraction he felt for her. Its hard to keep the spark over a long period of time.

 

Also I did find one specific difference about the way men and women cheat in my research which I think is relevant. Men who cheat if forced to chose do tend to invariably pick their wives over their mistress. Men generally are able to separate Sex from what they consider "love". They see love as more about the attachment feeling. They use the mistress as an outlet for sex - but don't feel like they love them. Its why you hear all those stories about men who have mistresses they promise they will leave there wife for .... but never do.

 

Women on the other hand tend to invariably leave their partners for their fling. They see Sex as being a part of love - not something that is separate. If they get into a sexual relationship with another man .... they will normally leave their husbands or partners for the other man. I have actually personally seen two separate occasions with women where this happened very recently. In both cases the partner and others didn't know the girls had cheated. They both left their husbands to be with the other man .... but when things didnt work out with the fling then came back to the original relationship with their husbands none the wiser. Lucky men :-/

 

I found that to be a really odd difference I discovered in my research which suddenly made the things I had seen males and females do make a little more sense.

[Justanaverageguy]

Sorry re-read your post and saw it is his GF not wife .... but same still applies.

[carhill]

So why does he want to cheat??

 

Some men like women for different aspects; one for social status, one for emotional intimacy; one for wild sex. With the dynamics of those aspects being unique and often difficult to meld into one person or situation, men compartmentalize them into discrete boxes and 'love' each box in its own way.

[d0nnivain]

I think the 1st time with two happened based on availability & lack of good character. Alcohol is an excuse not a cause.

 

Him pursuing you tells me his so called happy relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

FWIW, please accept my condolences on the death of your friend.

[michellew]

I'm a slightly jaded individual who who has recently been cheated on (never cheated myself) so bare that in mind when reading my response below.

 

I did a lot of reading on why people cheat when trying to come to terms with my own situation and trying to put the pieces together. This might be a bit sciency and fact based - removing some of the emotion from the equation but (sadly) I also know several male friends and also female friends who have cheated - some of them quite closely and I've discussed this with them - so I think I have some personal insight as well.

 

I think to be perfectly honest men and women cheat for the exact same reasons. They are biologically driven to. We have created a cultural myth where we believe men and women are meant to stay together for life. That it is "normal" to be married for life. In actual fact science and biological studies show the natural mating period for humans is only actually around 4-5 years. You know all that crap they teach in school about men wanting to spread their seed ... it applies to women too. It's human instinct to be attracted to and want to have sex with more then 1 person.

 

From a biological perspective its actually unnatural for couples to stay together longer then 5-6 years - its why there are so many divorces around 5-7 years after relationships start (Check the divorce stats). I think to stay together longer then that requires two people of strong character who understand themselves and their partner and are willing to make sacrifices and control their own impulses and urges to stay together. That seems to be less and less common in modern society.

 

Also there are two primary feelings or emotion involved in love - attraction and attachment. The attachment feeling is designed to keep couples together .... the attraction to bring them together in the first place. These act on the brain in much the same way as drugs do. Like drugs some people are more susceptible to one drug over another and are especially susceptible to it when they have not taken/felt it for a long time.

 

Its normal for the attraction feeling one has for a partner to diminish over time. Humans get bored when faced with the same thing over and over again. It sounds like a horrible metaphor but - Do you eat the same thing for lunch every day ??

 

Now that this guy has slept with you it has awoken feelings of attraction and sexual desire he has not felt in his own relationship for a very long time. Sex with a new partner is much more intense then sex you have with a long term partner. He hasnt felt the way he does about you with his wife for a long time .... he is hooked on that feeling and wants more of it.

 

I think if you could have an honest conversation with the guy - he would probably tell you he still loves his wife .... and feels absolutely terrible about what he has done and is doing but "just can't help it". Poor excuse I know ... but thats what the guys I know who cheated said. He likely still has very strong feelings of attachment to his wife but has lost the sexual desire and attraction he felt for her. Its hard to keep the spark over a long period of time.

 

Also I did find one specific difference about the way men and women cheat in my research which I think is relevant. Men who cheat if forced to chose do tend to invariably pick their wives over their mistress. Men generally are able to separate Sex from what they consider "love". They see love as more about the attachment feeling. They use the mistress as an outlet for sex - but don't feel like they love them. Its why you hear all those stories about men who have mistresses they promise they will leave there wife for .... but never do.

 

Women on the other hand tend to invariably leave their partners for their fling. They see Sex as being a part of love - not something that is separate. If they get into a sexual relationship with another man .... they will normally leave their husbands or partners for the other man. I have actually personally seen two separate occasions with women where this happened very recently. In both cases the partner and others didn't know the girls had cheated. They both left their husbands to be with the other man .... but when things didnt work out with the fling then came back to the original relationship with their husbands none the wiser. Lucky men :-/

 

I found that to be a really odd difference I discovered in my research which suddenly made the things I had seen males and females do make a little more sense.

 

I understand getting bored with someone after 5-6 years, but he's only been with his girl for about 9 months!

 

I'm going to miss our friendship, but I am going to have to take everyone's advice and avoid him for a while. It's not really a friendship to him anyway...in his recent communications, he said he has wanted me the entire time we have been friends (one year) and settled for 'just friends' because he didn't think a girl like me would ever go out with a guy like him. I'm sure that's just a line to sleep with me again.

[central]

Even if you're in a great relationship, there is often a desire to have sex with someone else. It's a primal reproductive urge, and leads to wanting variety in sexual partners.

 

People range naturally from very monogamous to very promiscuous. Humans in general are promiscuous maters by nature (by definition, as not all are inclined to monogamy), with a wide range of variation. Some are easily monogamous, but they are the exceptions, it seems

 

Of course, even promiscuously inclined people can make a choice to be monogamous when they are in a commited relationship, but their intention can vary in strength and weaknesses can surface.

 

In this case, his relationship may not be as strong as it appears, or he may have discovered that he is more attracted to you than his current gf, seeing more potential for fulfillment than where he is now.

[michellew]

I think the 1st time with two happened based on availability & lack of good character. Alcohol is an excuse not a cause.

 

Him pursuing you tells me his so called happy relationship isn't all it's cracked up to be.

 

FWIW, please accept my condolences on the death of your friend.

 

Thank you. She was only 38 years old and it has been very hard to accept. We were not at all prepared.

[LoveTKO]

Women on the other hand tend to invariably leave their partners for their fling. They see Sex as being a part of love - not something that is separate. If they get into a sexual relationship with another man .... they will normally leave their husbands or partners for the other man.

 

I think you're spot on regarding your observation as it applies to women in affairs, especially if the affair in question is a protracted ordeal. I posted something the other day to the contrary because it seems as if some women have the ability to compartmentalize in order to get the best of both worlds, so leaving the BS doesn't make sense if finances and career matters are stable. But I'm not so sure now based on a personal experience; women are definitely highly strategic and deliberate when it comes to having affairs. They might seem a bit aloof and conditional, keeping the AP at arms length and "in his place", but those gears are turning hard in their minds contemplating whether or not they want to take the affair to the next level. Women don't do long term sex well without emotions.

[johan]

Who says they are "happily coupled"? Just like money doesn't bring happiness, the love of a woman also doesn't make all personality defects disappear.

[Diezel]

Because Facebook is by far the best gauge of EVERY relationship... which, by that I mean, it absolutely isn't.

 

Why do "happily coupled" men cheat? Because some have a penis and no self-control (nor willpower).

Anything else beyond that is just over-analyzing.

[littleplanet]

I understand getting bored with someone after 5-6 years, but he's only been with his girl for about 9 months!

 

I'm going to miss our friendship, but I am going to have to take everyone's advice and avoid him for a while. It's not really a friendship to him anyway...in his recent communications, he said he has wanted me the entire time we have been friends (one year) and settled for 'just friends' because he didn't think a girl like me would ever go out with a guy like him. I'm sure that's just a line to sleep with me again.

 

 

My condolences. Thirty eight is way too young.

 

His admission explains a lot.

He wasn't happily coupled at all. He was happily maintaining the illusion of being happily coupled. Big difference.

And he opportunistically took advantage of a vulnerable moment.

So your friendship was his fantasy for a year.

I don't know that I'd miss the friendship much.....

[michellew]

Because Facebook is by far the best gauge of EVERY relationship... which, by that I mean, it absolutely isn't.

 

True, but from where she is standing, things look great. For example...just yesterday, she posted a photo of him and her caption was "the light of my life". She also posts love songs on his wall with captions like "I love you so much baby. You are my strength." Now that I'm looking at these posts, I notice it's all her posting/tagging him. He reciprocates with a "like" or nothing at all. I hope she never finds out what happened; she'd be devastated. :-/

[littleplanet]

True, but from where she is standing, things look great. For example...just yesterday, she posted a photo of him and her caption was "the light of my life". She also posts love songs on his wall with captions like "I love you so much baby. You are my strength." Now that I'm looking at these posts, I notice it's all her posting/tagging him. He reciprocates with a "like" or nothing at all. I hope she never finds out what happened; she'd be devastated. :-/

 

 

Which brings the private into public view. What a mess.

Life lived in tabloids.

 

I can understand why you wouldn't tell....

but she certainly needs to know.

[Justanaverageguy]

I understand getting bored with someone after 5-6 years, but he's only been with his girl for about 9 months!

 

I'm going to miss our friendship, but I am going to have to take everyone's advice and avoid him for a while. It's not really a friendship to him anyway...in his recent communications, he said he has wanted me the entire time we have been friends (one year) and settled for 'just friends' because he didn't think a girl like me would ever go out with a guy like him. I'm sure that's just a line to sleep with me again.

 

Ok only 9 months - that sounds like something a bit different then.

 

I have seen and heard about quite a few people cheating but it always seems to be during or at the end of longer relationships. I've never seen anyone doing it after only 9 months with someone they are "supposedly" happy or in love with. Your barely out of the honeymoon or infatuation stage at that point if you are actually into the person your dating.

 

Sounds like he is just stringing the girlfriend along while he looks around for someone else or just someone who repetitively cheats and has no feelings what so ever for his partner.