Why Do Happily Coupled Men Cheat??

[Diezel]

True, but from where she is standing, things look great. For example...just yesterday, she posted a photo of him and her caption was "the light of my life". She also posts love songs on his wall with captions like "I love you so much baby. You are my strength." Now that I'm looking at these posts, I notice it's all her posting/tagging him. He reciprocates with a "like" or nothing at all. I hope she never finds out what happened; she'd be devastated. :-/

 

Do you know how many women post stuff like that and KNOW they are in crappy relationships either way? It's all about appearances and other people's perceptions. Even her posts I would take with a grain of salt.

[KathyM]

I'm guessing the OP is more attractive than this girlfriend, and it sounds like he was wanting a romantic relationship from her from the start, but she didn't think he was "good enough" for a relationship partner, and only good enough to be a platonic friend. Now that she has shown she is attracted to him, he wants to pursue it, but is reluctant to give up the girlfriend just yet, until he sees how things progress with the OP. One reason why opposite sex one-on-one friendships are not a good idea when in a relationship.

[dichotomy]

For all you know his GF sleeps around too, or treats him poorly, or maybe he his just a pig. Most people don't know what love is.

 

Why don't you ask him? Not that anything he says will be true of course.

[Justanaverageguy]

True, but from where she is standing, things look great. For example...just yesterday, she posted a photo of him and her caption was "the light of my life". She also posts love songs on his wall with captions like "I love you so much baby. You are my strength." Now that I'm looking at these posts, I notice it's all her posting/tagging him. He reciprocates with a "like" or nothing at all. I hope she never finds out what happened; she'd be devastated. :-/

 

In my opinion people who know something is wrong in a relationship will over compensate. The ones who write that type of thing on facebook are not the ones who are in a healthy balanced relationship. Its the ones who are insecure about their partner and trying to show them (and others) how much they love them. I think in a way its because they think it will make the other person love them back. Sadly I think it actually has the opposite effect and makes the person seem desperate and actually turns the partner off more.

 

Shortly before I found out I had been cheated on ... I had a feeling something was not right. People's intuition is a lot better then we think it is. We pick up on little things, changes in peoples behavior and their mood. I think with cheating or even just the end of a relationship subconsciously the other partner "knows" something is wrong before we are actually willing to really admit it to ourselves. At least that was the case with me.

 

I don't normally post much at all on Facebook - I don't use social media much unless I am traveling or something. I call people or text them. But when I started to feel something going wrong at the end of my relationship I found myself posting things on facebook with my partner and I. Nothing over the top like you described but just things like pics of my partner, I and the dog in the park with little messages or tagging us when we went out places. Things I never felt the need to post in the past.

 

My guess is the girl probably knows something is wrong and is trying to be "the best girlfriend ever" because she thinks it will make things better.

[LoveTKO]

This so true. Pick out a person who incessantly posts on FB about how wonderful life is, posts about positive thinking, or posts about how in love they are, and I'll show you an insecure, depressed, and lonely person. They're not trying to convince the world through FB but they're trying to convince themselves.

[drifter777]

Here's how I see it: a married guy might be out at a club or party and enjoy looking at the pretty girls - maybe even flirt - but he's not pursuing them. He has no idea or intention of trying to take one out to the car or where ever to boff them. However, if a woman throws herself at him and makes it more than obvious she is DTF then many (most?) men will go along and have sex with her. It is very, very hard for a man to turn down easy, no-strings-attached pussy when it is literally thrown into his face. I can, and have, let these girls down easily by pretending it's just a funny joke and then sneaking out and going home. Its very flattering and is really hard to walk away from, but I just can't cheat.

[SmartDude]

I have noticed differences in the way people approach intimate relationships.In just one sub-set, It can be roughly divided into 2 categories with a wide spectrum in-between.

 

The first category is vehemently opposed to cheating of all forms(in theory). They want to bypass all this single/dating nonsense and just find "the one". They see no value in being alone. The sexual freedom of other single people either intimidates them or repulses them completely. They view being married as mature and responsible and being single as immature and without purpose. These people attempt to apply a monogamy mindset to every situation they encounter as though monogamy were morality itself. This group is highly delusional in the begriming phases of a relationship and will rush to profess their love without much inward reflection or contemplation. Rather than admit that to a certain level they are also being promiscuous...They would rather go through a year or more, dragging out each relationship to see if it can work. Then when they cheat or just leave it is because "it was not someone they wanted to grow old together with"...Or some other fairy tale cultural theme.

 

The second category is made up of people, some of which were originally in the first category, and have developed a different view. They have decided that they can't just be with anyone. They would rather be alone for years than get too involved with a person who is not right for them. These people are content to live alone and experience what many of them were missing in their committed relationships. What were they missing? The ability to enjoy the excitement of meeting new people, for the sake of having rich and varied experiences. These people are not looking for "the one", they are looking for "the all".

 

Currently, I am in the second category myself. I want to slut it up real good before I even think about getting serious again. I want to meet others who are in this same "mode" and who understand. Its messy when I encounter the monogamy types, they don't understand and tend to lash out because I am not looking for what they are looking for haha. It does not matter how clear you make it to them, They will look at you like you are a serial killer who eats babies.

[michellew]

Here's how I see it: a married guy might be out at a club or party and enjoy looking at the pretty girls - maybe even flirt - but he's not pursuing them. He has no idea or intention of trying to take one out to the car or where ever to boff them. However, if a woman throws herself at him and makes it more than obvious she is DTF then many (most?) men will go along and have sex with her. It is very, very hard for a man to turn down easy, no-strings-attached pussy when it is literally thrown into his face. I can, and have, let these girls down easily by pretending it's just a funny joke and then sneaking out and going home. Its very flattering and is really hard to walk away from, but I just can't cheat.

 

I didn't throw myself at him. We were hanging out, just like we have many times before. This time he kissed me and it all went downhill from there. (No pun intended.)

[drifter777]

I didn't throw myself at him. We were hanging out, just like we have many times before. This time he kissed me and it all went downhill from there. (No pun intended.)

Your situation is clearly different from what I'm describing. I'm talking about a man who has no intention of cheating and does not even pursue a woman - even one who is openly flirting with him. However, if this woman should do something like reach down and rub his watcha-call-it and suggest they head for the parking lot; even many well-intentioned guys will crumble and cheat. Lots of happily coupled men can't turn down no-strings sex that is handed to them on a silver platter. Their only protection from this scenario is to have clear, strong boundaries and remove themselves before it can get to this point.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Anyone who has kept up with my posts will know that I am NOT sympathetic towards cheaters. As much as I would LOVE to tear this guy a new a**hole for his inappropriate behavior I can't help but remind you (and everyone reading this) of the VERY big part YOU played in all of this.

 

I'm sorry for your loss but that is a poor excuse for putting yourself in this situation and especially for allowing yourself to be so reckless.

 

Yes, he's a royal d*ck but you're not exactly innocent.

 

He cheated because he could. Simple as that.

[Do_The_Herp]

I hate to admit this, but I recently slept with a friend who is in a serious relationship. It was a complete moment of weakness. (My best friend had just passed away, I went out with him for some drinks to escape, and ended up escaping with sex as well.) I was in my own world at the time and the fact that he had a girlfriend didn't even cross my mind.

 

Ever since, he has continued to pursue me as more than just a friend. He texts things like, "I can't stop thinking about you...You're so amazing...I want to kiss you again...can I take you to dinner?...Etc". I don't have feelings for him, but I've been down this road before and refuse to be the other woman/homewrecker again no matter how great the sex is. It's just wrong.

 

I'm just curious as to why he is still trying to pursue me? From the looks of the things his girlfriend posts on his facebook page, he is happy and in love. I understand why miserable men cheat, but not happy ones. They aren't married, living together, or have kids together, so he's definitely not staying out of obligation. Like I said, they're in love. So why does he want to cheat??

 

Listen. People cheat, if it's in them. Rather than just end things honorably and with the other person's feelings in mind, they screw with their trust and trample on their love and respect.

 

You, you're already the "other woman" the moment you screw around with him. You obviously don't care that much, you just aren't into the guy.

 

Your rationalizations about why he's with her don't mean ****. He's not in love, he's probably infatuated with her but has a wandering eye. Maybe he's the type to never be satisfied. Maybe he's into her but is playing the field for better options..

 

I could go on with possible explanations, but he doesn't sound like a good guy regardless. It should be EASIER for him to break it off with her, since you say there are no real obligations or bridges built that he'd have to burn.

[KathyM]

Your situation is clearly different from what I'm describing. I'm talking about a man who has no intention of cheating and does not even pursue a woman - even one who is openly flirting with him. However, if this woman should do something like reach down and rub his watcha-call-it and suggest they head for the parking lot; even many well-intentioned guys will crumble and cheat. Lots of happily coupled men can't turn down no-strings sex that is handed to them on a silver platter. Their only protection from this scenario is to have clear, strong boundaries and remove themselves before it can get to this point.

True, or better yet, not put themselves in situations where this might be an issue, such as married/taken men should not be cozying up to women at bars, or going alone to bars/clubs or venues where this is typical, or should not be alone with other women unless in a professional situation, and even then, having strong boundaries utilized.

[Friskyone4u]

He wants to cheat because he is sexually attracted to you and guess what? You made yourself available. So at this point he is thinking with his penis, a not uncommon characteristic of our sex of the species.

Now , in order for married men to cheat, the need to have someone like you willing to accept their offer or their is no cheating. I think the old saying is it takes two to tango.

So don't put it all on the men. Why did you do it???

[michellew]

He wants to cheat because he is sexually attracted to you and guess what? You made yourself available. So at this point he is thinking with his penis, a not uncommon characteristic of our sex of the species.

Now , in order for married men to cheat, the need to have someone like you willing to accept their offer or their is no cheating. I think the old saying is it takes two to tango.

So don't put it all on the men. Why did you do it???

 

I never said I was innocent in any of this and completely take ownership of my wrongdoing. I did it because I was vulnerable and uninhibited at the time. He kissed me and it felt good, so good I didn't stop. Everything at that moment finally felt good and that's all that was on my mind at that point. I didn't think of his girlfriend. I didn't think of my best friend. I didn't think of anything but how good it felt to let go of everything and just escape. It was terrible and selfish of me I know...which is why it hasn't happened again. There was no offer on the table beforehand. I didn't meet him that night thinking anything was going to happen at all. We've hung out plenty of times before and workout together regularly. I just assumed it was a one time slip on our parts and things would go back to normal. From his behavior now, I was clearly wrong. I'm not trying to rationalize anything, only understand why someone in his shoes would want to cheat.

[SmartDude]

When something feels good, it is hard to stop. We are all human so we slip up. He did it for the same exact reason you did. Because it felt good. It might have nothing to do with whether he is happy or not in the relationship.

[KathyM]

We are all human, but fortunately, most married men still exercise self control and consider their marriage as more important than a temporary indulgence, and would not want to jeopardize that for some quick bit of *ss. Most married men still do exercise self control, and either don't put themselves in situations that are inappropriate, or if they find themselves in such situations, they enforce the boundaries necessary to protect their marriage. Then there are those (40%) who don't.

[michellew]

We are all human, but fortunately, most married men still exercise self control and consider their marriage as more important than a temporary indulgence, and would not want to jeopardize that for some quick bit of *ss. Most married men still do exercise self control, and either don't put themselves in situations that are inappropriate, or if they find themselves in such situations, they enforce the boundaries necessary to protect their marriage. Then there are those (40%) who don't.

 

Not that it makes much of a difference, but he's not married. He has had a girlfriend for around 9 months.

[KathyM]

Not that it makes much of a difference, but he's not married. He has had a girlfriend for around 9 months.

I realize that. My last comment was to the previous poster, rather than your situation specifically. As I stated before in your thread, it sounds like he has had a thing for you from the start, and now that you were receptive to him romantically, he went for it. Unfortunately for his girlfriend, he is not invested enough in the relationship with her to put a stop to his relationship with you, or to at least set boundaries for it.

[Elle1975]

I don't know about "men" in general. I know he had a thing going for you and he acted on it.

[firmness]

These threads always seem to take a "men are evil cheaters" tone. Very sad. This is part of the problem.

 

I would like to think that every judgmental person who spouts stuff like this will get cheated on. That would be karma.

 

There were two people in this scenario. Both had a responsibility. Being together like this is NEVER innocent. OP went to be with him like they had before. There was intent in advance. To suggest otherwise is to insult everyone's intelligence.

 

"He kissed me" is also problematic for me. It implies passivity. It implies a lack of guilt or responsibility. Some have said this, so I am just reiterating.

 

Cheating is more common now than ever before (according to some) and this is because of rapidly changing social norms.

 

It is not always a matter of character, ethics, morality or goodness. It is a matter of raw sexual attraction. Period. You can add whatever meaning to this that you'd like but we are ultimately primate - animals like any other.

 

The more we judge people for cheating and spewing teenage judgments about those who cheat, the less we understand it and the more we are doomed to have it increase.

 

This is a matter for science - not angry teens and 20-somethings to rail against as if it is a matter of social justice.

 

Cheating hurts and people who cheat are liars. They make promises they do not intend to keep.

 

One thing I appreciate about Feminism is that it has made easy sex widely available. If one woman does not give a man a chance, there are a thousand on any number of websites who would be happy to.

 

If a woman or man becomes a pain in the ass, trying to use old school control and nagging techniques on their partner, it is too easy to leave and get a new partner. Easier than ever before.

 

It also makes it easy to find a relationship like a FWB thing where no promises are made to begin with. It will take time before we all get adjusted to this, but it is happening fast. Fewer people are getting married and those who do are waiting longer. Prenups are becoming more prevalent too.

 

So dating and marriage are changing to become more equal across the board and this should cut down on cheating. If things do not work out, you can just walk out more easily than ever before (thanks to the great work of the Feminists of the 70's) and it is super easy to find sex (thanks to the continued nudging of the Feminists of the 90's)

[SmartDude]

So dating and marriage are changing to become more equal across the board and this should cut down on cheating. If things do not work out, you can just walk out more easily than ever before (thanks to the great work of the Feminists of the 70's) and it is super easy to find sex (thanks to the continued nudging of the Feminists of the 90's)

 

I agree that things are changing. Lets hope they change soon enough.

 

More men would get married if there were not the threat of the legal binding agreement of marriage. If the marriage does not work out the state intervenes and tells people what to do. If you don't show up at court you can go to jail. Its tyranny plain and simple.

 

I will tell you something else too. Wall Street LOVES when people get married, divorce and then can't pay the mortgage or have to sell the house at a bargain price.

[Justanaverageguy]

I have noticed differences in the way people approach intimate relationships. In just one sub-set, It can be roughly divided into 2 categories with a wide spectrum in-between.

 

The first category is vehemently opposed to cheating of all forms(in theory). They want to bypass all this single/dating nonsense and just find "the one". They see no value in being alone. The sexual freedom of other single people either intimidates them or repulses them completely. They view being married as mature and responsible and being single as immature and without purpose. These people attempt to apply a monogamy mindset to every situation they encounter as though monogamy were morality itself. This group is highly delusional in the begriming phases of a relationship and will rush to profess their love without much inward reflection or contemplation. Rather than admit that to a certain level they are also being promiscuous...They would rather go through a year or more, dragging out each relationship to see if it can work. Then when they cheat or just leave it is because "it was not someone they wanted to grow old together with"...Or some other fairy tale cultural theme.

 

The second category is made up of people, some of which were originally in the first category, and have developed a different view. They have decided that they can't just be with anyone. They would rather be alone for years than get too involved with a person who is not right for them. These people are content to live alone and experience what many of them were missing in their committed relationships. What were they missing? The ability to enjoy the excitement of meeting new people, for the sake of having rich and varied experiences. These people are not looking for "the one", they are looking for "the all".

 

Currently, I am in the second category myself. I want to slut it up real good before I even think about getting serious again. I want to meet others who are in this same "mode" and who understand. Its messy when I encounter the monogamy types, they don't understand and tend to lash out because I am not looking for what they are looking for haha. It does not matter how clear you make it to them, They will look at you like you are a serial killer who eats babies.

 

I have experienced some people like your first category. I don't think it actually has much to do with wanting Monogamy or not wanting sexual freedom. It is people who are either a) Young or Inexperienced in Relationships - Or - b) Simply cannot deal with being "alone". They can't do a casual dating thing and shopping around a bit to find someone they really connect with .... because they cannot handle not having a steady partner for any length of time. Its tied to there sense of self worth.

 

Also if you read my long rambling post earlier in this thread .... I think often these people are the ones who think the "attraction" feeling in relationships is "real love". A bit in line with the delusional fairy tale culture you mentioned. I see it more in women ... I think because love has been so romanticized by Hollywood etc they have some pretty unrealistic expectations of what real long term relationships are like. Some people honestly seem to believe that that super intense buzzed feeling you get when you start a new relationship - where you cant stop thinking about the other person - will last if its "real love". Most men I know think that's pretty stupid .... they know the Honeymoon phase or infatuation (what ever you want to call it) wears off. But seriously some women I've met really think it will last when they find the "one". When they get that feeling at the start of a new relationship .... he's the "one". Then it wears off and they are not anymore ....

 

I think almost all people kind of fall into the first category to some extent to begin with. First time you fall in love you are head over heals right ? If you do it a couple of times and get a bit older and wiser you realize you need to do a bit more due diligence at the front end of the relationship before you go and start getting some skanks name tatoo'd on your back ;-)

[firmness]

...A bit in line with the delusional fairy tale culture you mentioned. I see it more in women ... I think because love has been so romanticized by Hollywood etc they have some pretty unrealistic expectations of what real long term relationships are like. Some people honestly seem to believe that that super intense buzzed feeling you get when you start a new relationship - where you cant stop thinking about the other person - will last if its "real love". Most men I know think that's pretty stupid .... they know the Honeymoon phase or infatuation (what ever you want to call it) wears off. But seriously some women I've met really think it will last when they find the "one". When they get that feeling at the start of a new relationship .... he's the "one". Then it wears off and they are not anymore ....

 

 

Bravo. I wish I had more likes to give.

[LoveTKO]

Well..duh?? Marrying or pairing for love is a relatively new concept in the human experience that came about during the age of the enlightenment. People never married for love prior to that. If you marry for love you can also fall out of love. That fantasy knight in shining armor soulmate nonsense is the spawn of a society that raises women to be needy. After all, if you don't have a mate then there must be something wrong with you. Whatever.

 

Moreover, more than 50% of marriages fail, not counting suicides, murder, and those who end up needing mental health treatment. And the the other half that stays married is by no means the embodiment of a successful marriage. They just stay together for whatever reason and make each other miserable by fighting like Israelis vs. Palestinians.

[firmness]

Well..duh?? Marrying or pairing for love is a relatively new concept in the human experience that came about during the age of the enlightenment. People never married for love prior to that.

 

I was going to let this go, but do you have a source that states that "People never married for love prior to enlightenment"?

 

I really have to see this in writing from a credible source. Forgive my skepticism.

 

Humans have experienced pair bonding instincts since there have been humans. This is a part of our evolution. Birds and other animals exhibit the same behavior.

 

Humans have been falling in love for about 100,000 years of human evolution. Look it up.

 

I do agree that we battle it out in silly arguments ad nauseum. Love is real and it is hard to figure out and it is a part of our most basic of all instincts.

 

The rest is socially constructed nonsense to keep common men in their place and subservient to the government, more powerful men, and to their wives.