Why Do Happily Coupled Men Cheat??

[Leigh 87]

I see it more in women ... I think because love has been so romanticized by Hollywood etc they have some pretty unrealistic expectations of what real long term relationships are like. Some people honestly seem to believe that that super intense buzzed feeling you get when you start a new relationship - where you cant stop thinking about the other person - will last if its "real love". Most men I know think that's pretty stupid .... they know the Honeymoon phase or infatuation (what ever you want to call it) wears off. But seriously some women I've met really think it will last when they find the "one". When they get that feeling at the start of a new relationship .... he's the "one". Then it wears off and they are not anymore ....

 

I think almost all people kind of fall into the first category to some extent to begin with. First time you fall in love you are head over heals right ? If you do it a couple of times and get a bit older and wiser you realize you need to do a bit more due diligence at the front end of the relationship before you go and start getting some skanks name tatoo'd on your back ;-)

 

 

 

 

 

Well there are relationships where both parties wake up thrilled every day that they are together.

 

Some partners do remain crazy about each other and madly in love.

 

I don't blame people wanting to be the rare few who get this. Some people have it, why not us?

 

And no, I don't get the feeling I first got before my first and second date with my boyfriend - where I literally couldn't sleep because I was so excited about the newness, I was so excited about the first time we became intimate.

 

The newness wares off but the passion and madly in love feeling can and does remain with some couples.

 

You can never replicate the not being able to sleep before the first few dates and the excitement before the first intimate times.

 

I read the blog of a couple who both maintain that they are still head over heels and they also started out with instant sparks and fireworks to begin with.

 

 

 

 

The main problem I see amongst folks in long term relationships, is that they never waited for the natural fireworks to begin with; how are you supposed to remain passionate and fall madly in love when there was never a solid basis of natural chemical urges to begin with?

[Leigh 87]

An area of interest to me is: I see a lot of people cheating when they meet "the one" that "one person" who really gets their heart racing, in a way they their OWN partner NEVER did, not even in the honey moon stage!

 

 

This is why I wait out for fireworks. I wont meet another man where I feel " wow, I never felt this passionate and intensely about my own partner"

[SummerDreams]

If he is really in love, and loves his girlfriend, he would not have sex with you, maybe it was a moment of weakness?

 

 

I'm a person who likes never to say never but in this matter I think that "moment of weakness" phrase is used by people who really don't want to control their urges and think someone besides themselves. If you can't think logically all the time and alcohol, drugs or sad moments make you lose control of yourself. then maybe you are not capable of being in a relationship in the first place. As simple as that.

[LoveTKO]

I was going to let this go, but do you have a source that states that "People never married for love prior to enlightenment"?

 

I really have to see this in writing from a credible source. Forgive my skepticism.

 

Humans have experienced pair bonding instincts since there have been humans. This is a part of our evolution. Birds and other animals exhibit the same behavior.

 

Humans have been falling in love for about 100,000 years of human evolution. Look it up.

 

I do agree that we battle it out in silly arguments ad nauseum. Love is real and it is hard to figure out and it is a part of our most basic of all instincts.

 

The rest is socially constructed nonsense to keep common men in their place and subservient to the government, more powerful men, and to their wives.

 

 

Here you go......"what's love got to do with it":

Marriage, a History | Psychology Today

[Leigh 87]

You are either completed devoted to someone whom you are madly in love with. Or, you are not.

 

That simple.

 

I don't personally believe you can be madly in love AND cheat - although I believe there are a few people out there who are naturally not wired for monogamy THEY are the exception and should be married to one person.

[LoveTKO]

You are either completed devoted to someone whom you are madly in love with. Or, you are not.

 

That simple.

 

I don't personally believe you can be madly in love AND cheat - although I believe there are a few people out there who are naturally not wired for monogamy THEY are the exception and should be married to one person.

 

 

 

Oh yes you can.

 

As far as those who are not wired for monogamy being the exception, your observation completely contradicts what most anthropologists and other experts say. Monogamy is actually the exception. "Being in love" doesn't last, but it's a survival of the species trick that our creator, or whatever, has ingrained in our DNA in order to procreate;when you're in love you're more apt to have a lot of sex and procreate. However, as soon as the kids arrive and spouses begin nagging at one and other about taking out the trash, hanging out with your buds, gaining weight, or squandering money on expensive shoes, then the unmitigated and unconditional love you felt seven years ago will be replaced by feelings or resentment.

 

Soulmates and ever lasting love is stuff for fairy tales.

[Do_The_Herp]

These threads always seem to take a "men are evil cheaters" tone. Very sad. This is part of the problem.

 

I would like to think that every judgmental person who spouts stuff like this will get cheated on. That would be karma.

 

There were two people in this scenario. Both had a responsibility. Being together like this is NEVER innocent. OP went to be with him like they had before. There was intent in advance. To suggest otherwise is to insult everyone's intelligence.

 

"He kissed me" is also problematic for me. It implies passivity. It implies a lack of guilt or responsibility. Some have said this, so I am just reiterating.

 

Cheating is more common now than ever before (according to some) and this is because of rapidly changing social norms.

 

It is not always a matter of character, ethics, morality or goodness. It is a matter of raw sexual attraction. Period. You can add whatever meaning to this that you'd like but we are ultimately primate - animals like any other.

 

The more we judge people for cheating and spewing teenage judgments about those who cheat, the less we understand it and the more we are doomed to have it increase.

 

This is a matter for science - not angry teens and 20-somethings to rail against as if it is a matter of social justice.

 

Cheating hurts and people who cheat are liars. They make promises they do not intend to keep.

 

One thing I appreciate about Feminism is that it has made easy sex widely available. If one woman does not give a man a chance, there are a thousand on any number of websites who would be happy to.

 

If a woman or man becomes a pain in the ass, trying to use old school control and nagging techniques on their partner, it is too easy to leave and get a new partner. Easier than ever before.

 

Pretty lame, though. That'll leave a lot of people alone and lonely into their old age, probably.

 

Also, if anything, it makes more sense from every possible view point that you're arguing for, for a male to not want to father another male's child. Not to mention that from a higher-level moral standpoint, it's obviously blatantly wrong.

 

A woman giving herself up to every dude who seems attractive is not really attractive from a biological, reproductive standpoint.

 

Do you personally not care if your mate bangs a guy here and there throughout the course of your "relationship"? (Assuming there's some agreed upon level of commitment?)

 

Maybe you don't want your genes to get passed on, or don't care who accepts them so long as they're receptive and somewhat physically attractive. It'd be more effective if we weren't a thinking breed, I suppose.

[LoveTKO]

And for those who want to explain infidelity and the high divorce rate marrying for the wrong reasons, not getting to know each other, not wanting to work things out, etc. Hello?? What does that say about marriage or monogamy? It apparently is more complex than solving a mathematical equation, but you have to "figure it out" and "work on it" and everything will be peaches and cream. Really? It doesn't sound like most of it comes natural.

[KathyM]

Marriage is a learning process, and continues to be as the years go by. The married couple learn what it takes to be compatible, or they refuse to learn and end up divorced. The skills to have a successful marriage can be learned, and either a partner has learned them during childhood by good role modeling from a parent, or they have a natural proclivity to relate well/get along with a partner, or they learn the skills after the fact. Marriage counseling involves teaching couples the skills they need to have a more successful marriage, whether that be communication skills, conflict resolution skills, or learning strategies or steps to improve and maintain marriage satisfaction and compatibility. Some of you are talking like no one is capable of having a good marriage. Well, newsflash: many couples do have a good marriage, and for those that don't, relationship skills can be learned. So rather than throwing in the towel and thinking it can't be done, learn the skills necessary to have a healthy long term relationship. It can be done if people are motivated.

[CarrieT]

I don't personally believe you can be madly in love AND cheat

 

I'm with LoveTKO - you absolutely can be madly in love with someone and still cheat.

 

It has happened to me and I know it has happened to lots of my friends, I'm sorry to say.

[LoveTKO]

Marriage is a learning process, and continues to be as the years go by. The married couple learn what it takes to be compatible, or they refuse to learn and end up divorced. The skills to have a successful marriage can be learned, and either a partner has learned them during childhood by good role modeling from a parent, or they have a natural proclivity to relate well/get along with a partner, or they learn the skills after the fact. Marriage counseling involves teaching couples the skills they need to have a more successful marriage, whether that be communication skills, conflict resolution skills, or learning strategies or steps to improve and maintain marriage satisfaction and compatibility. Some of you are talking like no one is capable of having a good marriage. Well, newsflash: many couples do have a good marriage, and for those that don't, relationship skills can be learned. So rather than throwing in the towel and thinking it can't be done, learn the skills necessary to have a healthy long term relationship. It can be done if people are motivated.

 

I'm not saying that some people don't succeed, but those are in the minority. The majority grow apart and don't succeed and there's nothing wrong with that. Life is dynamic and not static....feelings change. If I ask you to jump out of an airplane with a parachute an inform you that there's a 50% chance that you'll die outright, a 40% chance that you will survive but will sustain serious injuries, an 8% chance of minor injuries, and a 2% chance of everything working fine, would you jump? Marriage has similar statistics but if you mention these statistics you're "negative" or "pessimistic" etc. There's a reason why experts compile statistics because numbers don't lie.

[KathyM]

I'm not saying that some people don't succeed, but those are in the minority. The majority grow apart and don't succeed and there's nothing wrong with that. Life is dynamic and not static....feelings change. If I ask you to jump out of an airplane with a parachute an inform you that there's a 50% chance that you'll die outright, a 40% chance that you will survive but will sustain serious injuries, an 8% chance of minor injuries, and a 2% chance of everything working fine, would you jump? Marriage has similar statistics but if you mention these statistics you're "negative" or "pessimistic" etc. There's a reason why experts compile statistics because numbers don't lie.

The divorce rate is 40% for first marriages. That means that 60% of couples stay married to the person they first marry. Your statistics are not accurate. According to the research as described in the following article, 40% of married couples report being happy in their marriage.

 

 

Extraordinary Marriages

 

 

Marital happiness fluctuates during a marriage, depending on the stress factors experienced, and the couple's coping skills with those stress factors. Marital happiness also depends on the skills learned to keep the marriage happy, and the effort put into it. Some of you are acting like you have no control over how your marriage turns out. You have a lot of control, you just don't realize it.

[drifter777]

I'm with LoveTKO - you absolutely can be madly in love with someone and still cheat.

 

It has happened to me and I know it has happened to lots of my friends, I'm sorry to say.

I think anyone who is "madly in love" with their partner and cheats anyway is mentally or emotionally ill. To risk their overall happiness - to risk devastating the one they love - all for a roll in the hay is not rational. Anyone that does something this abhorrent should take it as a sign they need mental help ASAP.

[LoveTKO]

I think anyone who is "madly in love" with their partner and cheats anyway is mentally or emotionally ill. To risk their overall happiness - to risk devastating the one they love - all for a roll in the hay is not rational. Anyone that does something this abhorrent should take it as a sign they need mental help ASAP.

 

 

I disagree. On the contrary, anyone who can't understand basic statistics and hard numbers as it pertains to human behavior needs to either take a reading comprehension course or get their head out of the sand. Infidelity absolutely sucks if you're on the receiving end, but it has happened since the dawning of mankind and will continue long after you and me are pushing up daisies.

[LoveTKO]

The divorce rate is 40% for first marriages. That means that 60% of couples stay married to the person they first marry. Your statistics are not accurate. According to the research as described in the following article, 40% of married couples report being happy in their marriage.

 

 

Extraordinary Marriages

 

 

Marital happiness fluctuates during a marriage, depending on the stress factors experienced, and the couple's coping skills with those stress factors. Marital happiness also depends on the skills learned to keep the marriage happy, and the effort put into it. Some of you are acting like you have no control over how your marriage turns out. You have a lot of control, you just don't realize it.

 

 

Are you kidding me or what? 40% vs 50%? It all depends on what study you cite, but a 40% (almost half) divorce rate is still a dire statistic, and only 40% report being happy? That's a pretty grim number if you ask me. I guess the unhappy 60% represent the failures who "didn't try hard enough" or never deployed the proper "coping skills". Too funny. The only real coping skills to endure a long term marriage for those wanting out is Valium or Seroquel.

[Leigh 87]

I think anyone who is "madly in love" with their partner and cheats anyway is mentally or emotionally ill. To risk their overall happiness - to risk devastating the one they love - all for a roll in the hay is not rational. Anyone that does something this abhorrent should take it as a sign they need mental help ASAP.

 

 

This.

 

 

Something has to be broken with in a person who would cheat and ruin the relationship between them and a person they are MADLY in love with.

 

They would have to have mental problems and deep seated issues to .... put at risk the person they are so passionately in love with.

 

I have issues but I would not cheat so I assume a person who can cheat on a person they MADLY love would have much bigger issues than I do.....

 

 

 

 

 

My therapist even agrees with me on this one hah. Madly in love + a cheating individual = serious issues.

[Leigh 87]

I'm not saying that some people don't succeed, but those are in the minority. The majority grow apart and don't succeed and there's nothing wrong with that. Life is dynamic and not static....feelings change. If I ask you to jump out of an airplane with a parachute an inform you that there's a 50% chance that you'll die outright, a 40% chance that you will survive but will sustain serious injuries, an 8% chance of minor injuries, and a 2% chance of everything working fine, would you jump? Marriage has similar statistics but if you mention these statistics you're "negative" or "pessimistic" etc. There's a reason why experts compile statistics because numbers don't lie.

 

 

 

 

I know of a woman who grows and changes and so she has had to have more than one life partner to accommodate her growth as a person; where as my parents grew and changed together.

 

She still didn't go out and cheat on her ex partners. Although one left her for another woman out of no where instead of talking to her about his doubts about their relationship.

[PogoStick]

They don't cheat unless something is broken within them. They have ego issues or they don't really love their gf or wife or they think you are better in some way and the Grass is always greener.

 

More people cheat than those who don't. Therefore the "broken", or non-normal people, are the ones who remain 100% committed.

 

The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy stated that 57% of men and 54% of women admit to having cheated in a relationship. Surely, there are even more who didn't admit to cheating, or used a self-serving definition of cheating, ie Bill Clinton's blowjob was not a sexual act.

 

All this talk of True Love is an artificial concept that is bound to disappoint the masses.

[Leigh 87]

More people cheat than those who don't. Therefore the "broken", or non-normal people, are the ones who remain 100% committed.

 

The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy stated that 57% of men and 54% of women admit to having cheated in a relationship. Surely, there are even more who didn't admit to cheating, or used a self-serving definition of cheating, ie Bill Clinton's blowjob was not a sexual act.

 

All this talk of True Love is an artificial concept that is bound to disappoint the masses.

 

 

 

 

Are you sure more people cheat than DON'T?

 

My bf and I are staunchly anti cheating. As are my friend and her bf. And so are my other friends. They would leave; my 50 year old friend would leave her husband if he cheated on her.

 

We are not anomalies.

[Justanaverageguy]

Well there are relationships where both parties wake up thrilled every day that they are together.

 

Some partners do remain crazy about each other and madly in love.

 

I don't blame people wanting to be the rare few who get this. Some people have it, why not us?

 

And no, I don't get the feeling I first got before my first and second date with my boyfriend - where I literally couldn't sleep because I was so excited about the newness, I was so excited about the first time we became intimate.

 

The newness wares off but the passion and madly in love feeling can and does remain with some couples.

 

You can never replicate the not being able to sleep before the first few dates and the excitement before the first intimate times.

 

I read the blog of a couple who both maintain that they are still head over heels and they also started out with instant sparks and fireworks to begin with.

 

The main problem I see amongst folks in long term relationships, is that they never waited for the natural fireworks to begin with; how are you supposed to remain passionate and fall madly in love when there was never a solid basis of natural chemical urges to begin with?

 

I do not dispute that their are some couples out their who remain "madly" in love with each other for life. But what I can tell you is these are not the norm they are the minority .... and those that manage this have had to work extremely hard to achieve it.

 

I think that's the main problem - people think if you love someone then staying in love with them should be "easy". But it is not natural for humans to remain together for life let alone passionately in love with each other for their entire life. Our human instinct is that natural attraction fades - keeping yourself interesting and attractive to your partner can be hard work. You have to work on spicing things up in the bedroom and bringing new things and experiences to the relationship. People don't seem to realize that and think if its real love then its all easy and care free like at the beginning - I think that's what I once thought.

 

Most real long term relationships go through a series of highs and lows. There will be times when both partners feel unloved, feel like they have lost the spark etc, feel like they are putting more into the relationship then they are getting out or having to carry the load for their partner when they are weak. I think a lot of marriages survive the hard times purely because they have kids ... but if they get through them they can find good times again.

 

In the end its not a sprint .... its a marathon and people have to chose to grit their teeth and tough out the times when things aren't great. I think that these days as soon as some people feel like their relationship requires "effort" they just bail out - and that comes back to the fairy tale propaganda being pushed about what love is.

[Justanaverageguy]

Are you sure more people cheat than DON'T?

 

My bf and I are staunchly anti cheating. As are my friend and her bf. And so are my other friends. They would leave; my 50 year old friend would leave her husband if he cheated on her.

 

We are not anomalies.

 

Hahaha I love this argument. If you asked everyone in the world publicly if they are "anti cheating" you would get a result saying 99% are. But yet the stats on cheating don't quite match that do they.

 

Everyone I know is staunchly anti cheating in public. They are because culturally our morale code says they have to be. Cheating is bad - its considered the worst thing you can do in a relationship. You have to say in public you are anti cheating otherwise people would think you are a morally bankrupt person. It is also because we use it as a threat to keep our partners honest ... seriously we do. If you cheat on me - I will leave you. That's the punishment for the crime. Your setting a boundary on your relationship.

 

Thing is I know plenty of people who are staunchly anti cheating in public - my ex was - and they have no issue cheating behind closed doors when they think people won't find out. Strangely I normally also find these same people would go insane if they found out their partners cheated. They have the rule for me and another rule for others thing happening. So they still want to project they are anti cheating to keep their partner honest.

 

Just take a moment and think - can you imagine if you asked your 50 year old friend what she thought about cheating and she said .... "You know I just really don't think its so bad. If its just some casual sex on the side and your not emotionally attached to them and your partner doesn't find out then its fine."

 

What would you think of her ? What would her partner think of her ?

[Justanaverageguy]

An area of interest to me is: I see a lot of people cheating when they meet "the one" that "one person" who really gets their heart racing, in a way they their OWN partner NEVER did, not even in the honey moon stage!

 

 

This is why I wait out for fireworks. I wont meet another man where I feel " wow, I never felt this passionate and intensely about my own partner"

 

I find this comment REALLY interesting. When I did a lot of reading on why women cheat - this was a common reason given. A particular book that studied female infidelity specifically said this is actually the most common reason women give for cheating. They honestly and truly think they have "fallen madly in love" with the person they are having an affair with. They say they feel things for the person they never felt for their previous partners. The intensity of their passion is so over whelming they say things like they have found their soul mate etc.

 

The book I found analysed this topic specifically and the writer actually followed a number of women through the affair process - when they cheated left their partners and what happened after. More often then not they quickly fell out of love with the affair partner shortly after they left their long term partners to be with them. In some cases they did stay together and ended up marrying the person they had the affair with ... but still years down the road ended up leaving them or realizing what they felt when in the affair was not real and were regretful for leaving their original partner.

 

The book gave a lot of reasons for this type of behavior - but it seems to be most common for women in their late 20's and into their 30's who have been in long term relationships for a extended period. Women hit their sexual peak during their late 20's and into their 30's but often are in long term relationships where the sex and passion has disappeared. When their sexual attraction is re awakened by a person outside their relationship - they for lack of a better word - go a bit nuts. The sexual desire they feel for their new fling is much stronger then say what they felt for the guy they fell in love with in their early 20's or teens because their sex drive is much higher. Also they havent felt any feelings of sexual desire for their old partner for a long time - so it feels more intense.

 

Also affairs by their nature are secret and forbidden so it amplifies the feeling of attraction and passion people feel because they know they are doing something that's not allowed. You also don't see the person every day or live with them so their is none of the daily grind and choirs to deal with which makes things always seem fresh and amazing.

 

But it's also why quite often when people leave their long term partners for someone they had an affair with .... it quickly fizzles out. Because as soon as the secrecy and naughtyness of the affair is gone and the couple has to live a real life .... the passion and the overwhelming feelings of love quickly disappear.

 

I can say I have directly seen this happen to 3 women that I know. Almost exactly as described above. When I read the book and put it together with what I saw happen - it kind of freaked me out how accurate it was.

[Leigh 87]

I think it is key to have fireworks to begin with because passion fades even in the most madly in love couples who fall head over heels from the get go, "instant chemistry off the charts" sort of passion...

 

EVEN THEN passion fades and things easily stale.

 

So if you never had decent chemistry to begin with, it will be hard to happily remain with a person if you have hormones and like great sex.

 

People who need a partnership and are not comfortable alone tend to pick partners who are good for them; stable, loving and kind yet without much in the way of natural sexual chemistry! Then, ONE DAY, they meet that person who makes them weak at the knees and they also have a lot in common with.

[Diezel]

Hahaha I love this argument. If you asked everyone in the world publicly if they are "anti cheating" you would get a result saying 99% are. But yet the stats on cheating don't quite match that do they.

 

I have to agree with this.

 

 

Not only that, but always hear the "I would leave before I cheat!" and it almost never goes that way.

 

 

And if they did leave, they cheated the next day... I don't see much of a difference.

[Jatli]

I am going through this at the moment. My man of 4 years left me for someone he cheated with.

 

He was seeing her for about a month and a half before they actually got to spend the night together. He went to Vegas with the boys and met up with her a couple of days before the boys got there so he had 3 days with her.

 

When he came home he was depressed. I now know it as guilt. He did not spend any more nights with her as he came home to me every night and was usually home by 9 or 10 as I know his schedule so he wasn't spending it with her. About 3 weeks after he came home from Vegas he told me he needed time and we should split up.

 

It rocked my world to say the least. We were so good together, never fought, always laughed together, sex was great., we enjoyed each others company. I asked him if there was someone else. he said no. It took me another 2 months to get my own place and he still came home to me every night for those 2 months so I know he didn't spend the night with her. During those 2 months we still did not fight. We talked and cried a lot but still got along. He even said he wasn't sure if he was doing the right thing.

 

So I left. 2 weeks later they went away for the weekend and have been seeing each other every weekend since (as she lives an hour away). That was 3 months ago. Just recently we have started talking again and he has finally admitted that he is seeing someone but it is not serious. He has told me that he misses us.

 

We are in the early stages of putting things back together.

 

So even happy couples can have slip ups and I know that he felt he had to leave because he felt guilty and just could not tell me and it was killing him. People would have killed for our relationship as it was that good.

 

Before we can get back together we will do a lot of talking and stipulations will be made. I will not run back into his arms but as far as forgiveness goes, when you get older forgiveness becomes easier and I am a calm and forgiving person by nature so it is not hard for me. But I would never go through this again with him and he will understand that if he wants me back.