Why Do Happily Coupled Men Cheat??

[SummerDreams]

Jatli I'm sorry for what you are going through but I'm proud of you cause you seem like a strong and calm woman. You will be fine at the end, trust me. Hugs

[Jatli]

Thanks. It has been a rough go but I am now at a place of forgiveness and I know that I truly love this man and I know he will come back to me.

 

I will make sure that when he does it is on my terms and that we really work on making a strong loving relationship. I will not move right back in with him I will stay where I am for now and he will have to date me for awhile.

[firmness]

 

 

This is why I wait out for fireworks. I wont meet another man where I feel " wow, I never felt this passionate and intensely about my own partner"

 

I have learned by reading, studying (human bio), and a pile of life experience, that you can MAKE sparks happen. At least to yourself.

 

In order to do that you MUST be able to trust that person at a pretty basic level.

 

How to make sparks? You might wonder. I can tell you my version:

 

I deliberately addict myself to my girlfriend. I tell her "shhh, lay there a minute, let me do what I need to do" and I smell her - all over. I drink in her scent like I may never get another shot at it. And DAMN it is addicting. I know what I am doing to myself and I know that it is bonding me to her. That's why I do it.

 

I also found opportunities in the early few intimate times to make sure to go slowly. To look into her eyes. To smell her and taste her and admire her beauty. I know damned well that this addicting me to her, but it is on purpose.

 

Forgive the TMI - but it is crucial TMI! These types of things are how intimacy is both expressed AND established. It is what triggers our hormones and who knows what other chemicals (oxytocin , vasopressin, dopamine, serotonin...) and to differing degrees these chemicals create pair bonding addiction.

 

In other words, the "spark"

 

Now keep in mind that I only do this because I am serious about her. When I was dating last year before meeting her, I wouldn't even dream of doing this. I was out for one thing, and I was clear about that up front. To get myself addicted to a woman like this is one thing, but we need to remember that it is triggering these things in her too.

 

If you push those buttons and walk away, you are an *********. That is cruel and mean and why so many guys wind up with psycho women chasing them. They created a chemical addiction in their partner and now they are taking the drug away.

 

And we all know how THAT works out.

 

...and that is how you create sparks...well, at least how I do it.

[LoveTKO]

Hahaha I love this argument. If you asked everyone in the world publicly if they are "anti cheating" you would get a result saying 99% are. But yet the stats on cheating don't quite match that do they.

 

Everyone I know is staunchly anti cheating in public. They are because culturally our morale code says they have to be. Cheating is bad - its considered the worst thing you can do in a relationship. You have to say in public you are anti cheating otherwise people would think you are a morally bankrupt person. It is also because we use it as a threat to keep our partners honest ... seriously we do. If you cheat on me - I will leave you. That's the punishment for the crime. Your setting a boundary on your relationship.

 

Thing is I know plenty of people who are staunchly anti cheating in public - my ex was - and they have no issue cheating behind closed doors when they think people won't find out. Strangely I normally also find these same people would go insane if they found out their partners cheated. They have the rule for me and another rule for others thing happening. So they still want to project they are anti cheating to keep their partner honest.

 

?

 

 

Bingo!! I mean......how naive can you be to rely on anecdotal, one off, third party hearsay and testimonials as opposed to facts and statistics based on research? People just love to live in Disneyland and this fictitious world of Romeo and Juliet. Denial runs deep, doesn't it?

 

As a single guy, if I told you how many married women or women in relations make flirtatious overtures directed at me you would be shocked. And I'm not talking about loose, slutty, and depraved women, but good looking women with kids and great careers. Seemingly upstanding members of their respective communities who exude class and stability. A woman can have a great husband, money in the bank, etc., but if there's something missing or they don't feel appreciated, they are going to look for some strange. When a sweet talker comes along who is willing to supplement her emotional and sexual shortcomings, all bets are off. Believe me......I can tell you some s*** that I've observed from couples who from outward appearance are stable and "in love".

[firmness]

My answer to this is two-fold.

1: Most men cheat because there is something missing, sexually, from their relationship. Don't give you guy a BJ often? Some other girl will. Don't like anal sex? He might know someone that does. Ask a hooker what their clients ask for. Blow jobs. Why? Because their wife/girlfriend doesn't do it.

 

2: This one is much simpler. His morals suck. Coupled people shouldn't cheat, period. I don't care the justification. Cheating shows that your moral compass does not point north.

 

This post is pretty offensive. It would not be so bad, but you just simultaneously lumped all men together, made a false claim about the reasons men cheat (where do you get that data? Cosmo?) AND you claim that cheating is about morals (I would LOVE to see the data on this).

Edited July 11, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Justanaverageguy]

As a single guy, if I told you how many married women or women in relations make flirtatious overtures directed at me you would be shocked. And I'm not talking about loose, slutty, and depraved women, but good looking women with kids and great careers. Seemingly upstanding members of their respective communities who exude class and stability. A woman can have a great husband, money in the bank, etc., but if there's something missing or they don't feel appreciated, they are going to look for some strange. .

 

You know I have recently had a number of similar experiences .... and I was in a long term committed relationship when they approached me. Nothing ever happened as I removed myself from the situations but really opened my eyes.

 

Once quite recently I even had a female friend start playing very aggressive footsies under the table with me while her partner was literally sitting right beside me at the dinner table. Blew my mind .... while initially flattered I quickly removed myself from the situation - the woman still continued to pursue me that evening. I had a couple of other similar experiences I started to think women who cheat .... seem to really like to play footsies.

 

Can I ask from your experience what age bracket the women who approached you were in ?? Mine have been in a pretty specific age band. I don't want to lead you with what I have seen just interested to see what you observed.

[michellew]

So even happy couples can have slip ups and I know that he felt he had to leave because he felt guilty and just could not tell me and it was killing him. People would have killed for our relationship as it was that good.

 

From everything you wrote, it sounds like he left to be with her, not out of guilt. Do you really believe him when he says it's not serious? I'm sorry to say this, but people don't take trips with people if it isn't serious. Sounds like he really liked her and wanted to see how it went. Things didn't work out and now he wants you back.

 

I commend you for being so strong and forgiving, but I really think you need to see this man for who he truly is, not what you want to believe he is.

[Jatli]

Yes I believe him when he says it's not serious. If it was his sister-in-law would have met her by now and she has not.

 

I know they went away because it is for something they both have in common and they both enjoy that is how they met. I can't get into what it is because it is too personal info.

 

I know what he is all about I have known him for over 30 years. Yes I am angry and upset and he is not coming back without a lot of apologies and a hell of a lot of talking. But I truly believe we can make it work

[Bruce Leigh]

Really sad that some people are so careless with their lives and the lives of those they supposedly love.

 

And then still turn around and say that they do love them??

Love is just a word that gets thrown around a bit too much unfortunately.

[Truthalch21]

We have been together for 2 years, everything is awesome, new house, new business, everything's working out, I'm not really sure what I did, we don't argue, or fight, we are happy, I don't even really know how to put it in words but he got on <a dating/chat site>, used his account to talk to friends, but when I go snooping hes talking to guys, he'll take it as far as them wanting to meet and get to know each other, and then before it gets serious he tells them he with someone, so I don't know what I am not offering emotionally, or if I am over reacting

Edited July 12, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Justanaverageguy]

Yes I believe him when he says it's not serious. If it was his sister-in-law would have met her by now and she has not.

 

I know they went away because it is for something they both have in common and they both enjoy that is how they met. I can't get into what it is because it is too personal info.

 

I know what he is all about I have known him for over 30 years. Yes I am angry and upset and he is not coming back without a lot of apologies and a hell of a lot of talking. But I truly believe we can make it work

 

Jatli - I don't want to be rude, condescending or mean to you in any way - and I also want to say I do not have all the facts for your case. Just the limited information you provided in the forum so I can only base my opinions on that. From what you have said so far I think you should look at the phases of grieving people go through and try and understand where you are on that spectrum at the moment. The 5 Stages of Loss and Grief | Psych Central

 

A partner cheating is completing devastating - I know from experience. It shocks your system and your bodies reaction is very similar to if that person had died. There are phases people commonly go through as they come to terms with this. One of the first is denial and another is bargaining.

 

You know that your partner has cheated. You know he left you after cheating and started seeing another women. He is telling you that he misses you but currently he has not expressed that he is actually going to return to your relationship. As it stands from what you wrote it appears he is still seeing the other women.

 

In spite of all this you are ready to forgive him ... and have explained him leaving to be with another women as just due to his guilt. Does this really make sense to you ? Are you being truly honest with yourself about what happened ?

 

What your going through is completely normal phase of dealing with this type of situation. I went through the same thing. But I think you should take a step back and look at what your partner has done. Think about the way he has treated you and your family. Think about what you as a person deserve out of a relationship and out of a partner and start demanding that instead of being willing to settle for this treatment.

 

People can recover from cheating in a relationship - but only if both parties are willing and able to acknowledge what really happened, why it happened and work on rebuilding the relationship. At the moment from what you have told me that is not the case for either you or your partner.

 

My advice - Choose to stop being the victim in this ordeal. Choose to take control of the situation instead. You deserve more then this. You deserve more then him and you should tell him that. Tell him you are completely done with the relationship and done with communicating with him and mean it. Do not contact him in any form after telling him this unless through a lawyer. Personally I would leave it at that .... but if after all this you really do want to get back together with him then also tell him that the only condition you will speak to him again is if he meets criteria you set out for him.

- That he ends the relationship with the other partner and ends all contact with the other partner

- That he acknowledges in full what he has done

- That he attends counselling for his issues.

 

If you're married I would also server divorce papers on him. Seriously he wont know what the hell just happened. He is treating you like crap because you are allowing him to. DON'T!!!

 

You deserve someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart not just their own. You will find happiness again if you chose to acknowledge what has happened, move past it and not be a victim.

[michellew]

We have been together for 2 years, everything is awesome, new house, new business, everything's working out, I'm not really sure what I did, we don't argue, or fight, we are happy, I don't even really know how to put it in words but he got on <a dating/chat site>, used his account to talk to friends, but when I go snooping hes talking to guys, he'll take it as far as them wanting to meet and get to know each other, and then before it gets serious he tells them he with someone, so I don't know what I am not offering emotionally, or if I am over reacting

 

Before responding to this, I need to clarify one thing...Are you male or female?

 

If you are female and your boyfriend is talking to men, the clearly the problem isn't you! He is gay and in the closet.

 

If you are male and your boyfriend is talking to other men, I don't know what to think. It's not good though. Maybe he just likes the attention and to know he's still got it? This is dangerous though...the online attention will not be enough someday and he will do more. Have you talked to him about it?

[Space Ritual]

Why do "Happily Coupled" persons of either gender cheat?

 

It's Kind of like asking Legendary Bank Robber Willie Sutton why he robbed banks...."because that's where the money is"

[firmness]

Yep, true love is expressed in actions, not just in words. Cheating on a spouse or SO is the most unloving thing a person can do to their partner. The most selfish. The most unkind. The most manipulative. The most damaging. While some may claim to "love" their spouse even though they are cheating on the spouse, their actions show that self gratification is their #1 priority.

 

 

I keep reading this in so many posts here. I agree for the most part, but I have a problem with it. Fist of all it is not accurate - these sorts of judgy posts do nothing to help and just perpetuate old wives tales about "why men cheat"

 

Why more people aren't sick of this yet is beyond me.

 

Second, women have pretty much monopolized the definition of cheating. For example, if a married man has sex with another woman it is cheating - even if he stays, is a good provider and a good father, etc. If a married woman has an emotional affair with another man, and leaves her husband for the new guy, but does not have sex with the new guy first, she is just exercising her freedom and her "rights" as a woman.

 

This is a pretty strong pattern I have noticed.

 

If you have a problem with what I am writing, please direct your anger at those who post this stuff. I am just summarizing here.

 

I have a problem with it and have made it known!

[LoveTKO]

Y

Can I ask from your experience what age bracket the women who approached you were in ?? Mine have been in a pretty specific age band. I don't want to lead you with what I have seen just interested to see what you observed.

 

 

Usually mid thirties to mid forties. Women crave love and passion, and it's usually in the aforementioned age bracket that women feel neglected in one way or another. Seven year plus itch? who knows.

[LoveTKO]

40% divorce rate for first marriages. The 50% rate you sometimes see cited likely includes all marriages combined (including 2nd and 3rd marriages, etc.) The higher rate (68%) for second marriages would balance out the lower divorce rate for first marriages, and that is probably where the studies are coming up with the 50% rate overall. I agree that those failure rates (40% to 68+%) are unfortunate, and a product of our throw away society, our society that puts temporary lust ahead of love and integrity, and a product of a culture that thinks that "I must be happy at all times, and if you don't make me happy at all times, you are history". The thing is, those people who give up on their first marriage often find the second marriages have the same issues leading to their eventual unhappiness (or worse issues, which would explain the higher divorce rate for second marriages). Marriage longevity takes commitment, and willingness by both parties to weather the difficult times, and it takes work on issues that are causing friction/dissatisfaction. Unfortunately, people are more inclined to throw away their marriage instead of work on it, or they are inclined to cheat instead of working on their marriage.

 

 

As far as the subject of this thread, which is infidelity in supposedly happy marriages, you have the people who have poor boundaries, or poor impulse control, or a sense of entitlement, or excessive need for validation. They are happy with the state of their marriage, but they engage in an affair for one of the above reasons (poor boundaries, poor impulse control, a sense of entitlement, or excessive need for validation). They end up launching a bomb that blows up their previously happy marriage, and put their temporary lust ahead of their marriage, their family, their integrity, their reputation, etc. So very foolish and shortsighted. They have the naivity or arrogance to believe that their cheating will not be discovered, so they indulge, and end up blowing up their family and ruining their reputation. Really sad that some people are so careless with their lives and the lives of those they supposedly love.

 

 

 

I agree with you that marriage takes commitment and unwavering dedication to the cause to make it succeed....you are 100% correct. But the failure rate that you mentioned in your post is proof that marriage is okay for a only a small subset of the population. Long term marriage is not for the majority of our population. Fact is, most men don't want to get married but have to be cajoled or manipulated into it - they need that extra "push" in the right direction. Getting married because you want to have kids, feel lonely, sick and tired of the dating scene, everybody my age is getting married, don't want to die alone, clock is ticking, etc. are all sure fire ways to eventually end up cheating or in divorce court.

 

Here's the deal and I want to you think hard about this one. Prior to marrying "the love of your life", most individuals have already experienced at least one or two long term relationships with people they thought they truly loved and wanted to be with. But in time these relationships ran its course.....things change, right? What makes you think that a ring and a legal document is an antidote to the ravages of time and circumstances that terminated the previous relationships? It isn't! Everything can run its course. Trust me .....it happens to all of us. If the institution of marriage is something that is meant to be then attorneys, marriage counselors, therapists, mediators, family court judges would all be out of a job. Look at the facts and numbers because they don't lie.

[HermioneG]

I keep reading this in so many posts here. I agree for the most part, but I have a problem with it. Fist of all it is not accurate - these sorts of judgy posts do nothing to help and just perpetuate old wives tales about "why men cheat"

 

Why more people aren't sick of this yet is beyond me.

 

Second, women have pretty much monopolized the definition of cheating. For example, if a married man has sex with another woman it is cheating - even if he stays, is a good provider and a good father, etc. If a married woman has an emotional affair with another man, and leaves her husband for the new guy, but does not have sex with the new guy first, she is just exercising her freedom and her "rights" as a woman.

 

This is a pretty strong pattern I have noticed.

 

If you have a problem with what I am writing, please direct your anger at those who post this stuff. I am just summarizing here.

 

I have a problem with it and have made it known!

 

Who is saying that???

 

I am a woman and other than a few outliers who say bizarre things, I have never ever noticed that to be the definition of a female cheating, nor has KathyM ever said that!

 

So you have a problem with her saying something she doesn't say? Can you explain further or provide quotes? Where does she excuse women? That's not what happens at Loveshack, at all.

 

Color me confused.

[Elle1975]

she is just exercising her freedom and her "rights" as a woman.

 

Uhm no, it blatantly is cheating

[Justanaverageguy]

Usually mid thirties to mid forties. Women crave love and passion, and it's usually in the aforementioned age bracket that women feel neglected in one way or another. Seven year plus itch? who knows.

 

Yeah pretty similar then .... I've noticed this seems to start happening a little earlier. I've seen it in women right before they hit 30 and then into their mid 30's. Books I've read gave an explanation for it - Womens sex drive kicks in around the time they turn 30 and they are often in stale relationships where the sex has died.

 

People hear sex drive kicking in and think it just means that women will want sex with their husbands more .... but it doesn't seem to work that way at all. Men kind of have no idea what it means .... but if you tell them that their sex drive kicked in when they were teenagers and ask them to think back to what they wanted to do to every single women they saw and what they thought about every other second of the day they usually start to get it.

 

Think about they way you felt about sex and women when you were 16, 17, 18 and now imagine those same feelings and urges are happening to your wife right now .....

[LoveTKO]

Y

 

Think about they way you felt about sex and women when you were 16, 17, 18 and now imagine those same feelings and urges are happening to your wife right now .....

 

 

I don't know......my urges are still pretty high. I don't get it. But ample rest and lots of exercise probably contributes to a high sex drive.

[Justanaverageguy]

I don't know......my urges are still pretty high. I don't get it. But ample rest and lots of exercise probably contributes to a high sex drive.

 

Hey I'm not going to lie I'm a red blooded male .... my urges are still high too. But they ain't even close to what they were back when I was a teenager. Seriously I could just look at a women - any women - she didn't even need to be attractive - and get a hard on back then. You would be looking at your school teacher in class and suddenly - WAM - how do I hide this thing. hahaha

 

You kind of forget how full on it was and how horny you used to be. In Men testosterone levels actually peak in teens and early 20's then very slowly drop over the next 10 or so years. You slowly get less and less so you don't really even notice anything changing but it does have a pretty profound impact on male behavior. Think about all those player guys who suddenly are tamed by a women and become family guys in their late 20's. People say its because they are older and more mature and want to settle down .... maybe partially true but its also because they have had significant changes to the hormones that their body is releasing which results in them no longer feeling the same sexual urges they did when they were younger.

 

In women its quite different they get a massive shot of testosterone as they are entering their 30's and suddenly get horny as hell. The testosterone levels actually increases through their 30's. Women typical start to take on more "young male" characteristics as hormonally they are actually very similar. They become more assertive, dominant and quite frequently want multiple partners and sex just for fun.

 

Think about the whole cougar thing. Think about the way these women act .... who does it remind you of ? 19, 20 year old player guys who are out to try and bed as many women as they can. The cougar mentality is almost exactly the same as young guys.

 

A lot of women however in their 30's are in stable relationships, married and maybe even have kids. They cant just throw that all away and go out and bed who ever they want. So frequently women at this age cheat in secret or at the very least flirt on the very edge of it ....

[LoveTKO]

Hey I'm not going to lie I'm a red blooded male .... my urges are still high too. But they ain't even close to what they were back when I was a teenager. Seriously I could just look at a women - any women - she didn't even need to be attractive - and get a hard on back then. You would be looking at your school teacher in class and suddenly - WAM - how do I hide this thing. hahaha

 

 

 

 

Lol....funny stuff....I hear you, but trust me when I tell you this.......I'm in my forties and still experience those same urges. Being in tip top athletic shape and having tight abs with no "spare tire" around your waste line is a sign that testosterone is still coursing through your veins. I tell men all the time: get rid of visceral fat because creeping obesity will diminish your testosterone levels. But I never initiate sexual conversations with women....never. I just listen and give compliments and everything falls into place. You have to tap into that sexual organ between the ears.

 

 

My girlfriend definitely experienced that massive infusion of natural testosterone in her forties, and keeping up with her was a lot of fun for many years.