Does it have to be all or nothing? [update - not a good feeling]

[Pushing Forward]

I have posted in the OM/OW area but according to the sticky I should or could post here as well so I'm reaching out. I'm a MW who has been in a LTA with a MOM who for two years now has been separated from his W (not because of the A but because she left).

 

We stopped the PA about two years ago and then started up again last April for about a year. We haven't been physical since this April and really have only seen each other 5 or 6 times this year. We "broke up" about a month ago when he canceled out on meeting me three times in May. He finally said it wasn't right and we needed to stop. I forced him into seeing me because apparently he had been trying to "stop" for a while and I wasn't taking being stood up again so we met and had a break up talk with a lot of crying and hugging and "we'll still be friends, I still want to talk to you".

 

Fast forward five weeks and we still talk every day, he still texts me every night before bed and every morning when he gets up and throughout the day. We talk about seeing each other but he never goes through with it. Unfortunately someone very close to him died a couple weeks ago and something came to light where he now feels even worse about the affair being wrong and is pretty strong in staying away. It wasn't any revealing information but thoughts from the person who passed away, and now he feels bad because he did things they wouldn't have approved of.

 

I know he's right and I know I need to move on but I'm not ready. I feel like the only way is NC but can't imagine that. He keeps saying he enjoys talking to me but seeing me will start the feelings and lead back to the PA again. I'm sure he's right and I still want that. I know when he starts dating someone else I won't be able to handle it but I also feel like this ending amicably is worse then us just getting mad at each other and quitting the A. If I were mad at him it would be easier but we keep this EA going on and on and continue talking and him saying he wants to see me but can't trust himself.

 

Do we need to cut contact all together or can we really help each other through this? It's hard to forget and go back to "real life", so to speak, when this has been such a big part for a long time. And has anyone ever really had an amicable "goodbye"? Is there a way to see each other and say all that we have to say and be done? I want to see him and hug him as I haven't been able to do that since the death close to him and I felt horrible for not being around but I was out of town when it happened and for the funeral as well. I want to talk and be at peace and move on, but is it really better to just rip off the band-aid and be done?

 

I'm really not ready for it to be over. But he's not giving me much chance to keep it going and I want to try and get over it. I just don't feel like I can let go. I love my husband and I don't plan to leave. I know I can't have both but I don't know how to stop and put an end to it for good and I know he won't do that unless I say it's what I want. Thanks for reading if you've got this far.

[whatatangledweb]

It is best to go NC. You are keeping your hope alive by communicating with him. You can't help each other heal. Put your focus back on your marriage since you love your husband and do not want a divorce.

[imperfectangel]

if you don't plan on leaving your husband them go NC and just leave this other guy be

 

if you really care for him you should want what's best for him and for him to find someone that's a available

[Pushing Forward]

Are there any others in LTAs who've broken away with an amicable ending and how did you do it?

[spookysonata]

Are there any others in LTAs who've broken away with an amicable ending and how did you do it?

 

Do you want advice, or do you just want someone to tell you it's OK to keep pursuing this MM (who has repeatedly expressed turmoil about being in an affair)? You seem concerned with what YOU want but you don't seem to care about what he wants (or your husband who seems like barely a blip on your radar). Tough love: the posters above you are right. NC, and consider going to a therapist who will help you figure out why you behave selfishly.

[Pushing Forward]

I asked if anyone had ended their A amicably. I didn't ask if it was ok to continue to persue him. I know leaving him alone is the right thing to do. I'm struggling with how to do it because I'm not ready. My husband is more than a blip on my radar but I already went on and on so I wasn't making the post any longer with more info on my M. I AM concerned with what I want and I DO care about how he feels but he continues on with the communication as well. That's not one sided. Thanks for your advice.

 

Do you want advice, or do you just want someone to tell you it's OK to keep pursuing this MM (who has repeatedly expressed turmoil about being in an affair)? You seem concerned with what YOU want but you don't seem to care about what he wants (or your husband who seems like barely a blip on your radar). Tough love: the posters above you are right. NC, and consider going to a therapist who will help you figure out why you behave selfishly.

[spookysonata]

I asked if anyone had ended their A amicably. I didn't ask if it was ok to continue to persue him. I know leaving him alone is the right thing to do. I'm struggling with how to do it because I'm not ready. My husband is more than a blip on my radar but I already went on and on so I wasn't making the post any longer with more info on my M. I AM concerned with what I want and I DO care about how he feels but he continues on with the communication as well. That's not one sided. Thanks for your advice.

 

You're "not ready" to end it, so you keep on despite the fact that the affair is hurting everyone involved. That was what I meant by selfish behavior. It's the very definition of cake eating.

 

You can certainly end it amicably. Just tell him you can't do it anymore, wish him well, and shut the door. From what you say it sounds like he will be grateful.

 

If you love your husband, LOVE him. It's an action, not just pretty words.

[gettingstronger]

Read the myriad of threads on the OW/OM board for your answer-

What stands out to me is that he continues to have reasons not to see you and that is telling-

Going NC or not does not seem to matter much to him-he appears to just want this to slip away without drama-

That leaves the question, which you already answered for yourself- can you speak with him and not have feelings for him- from your post it appears the answer is no-

Do whats good for you and go NC and grieve the loss of this and then heal and move on-

[jackslife]

As much as I'd like to tell you that you can, I honestly don't think it's possible. You can't be friends with someone you have had a love affair with. If you can, then it wasn't much of a love affair. Check the feeds on the why's and wherefores on NC. The reason for doing it is to do with getting over the end of a relationship as quickly as possible.

It's like pulling a sticking plaster off. It will hurt whether you pull it off slowly, it will hurt if you pull it off quickly, it will hurt more if you nearly pull it off, re stick it and start all over again. Whichever way you do it the plaster at some point will have to come off... and it's going to hurt.

Sorry

Edited July 7, 2014 by jackslife
Grammar tweaks

[RegretfulAlways]

It's like pulling a sticking plaster off. It will hurt whether you pull it off slowly, it will hurt if you pull it off quickly, it will hurt more if you nearly pull it off, re stick it and start all over again. Whichever way you do it the plaster at some point will have to come off... and it's going to hurt.

Sorry

 

Wow, good analogy, Jackslife, and it's very good advice. I appreciate this way of looking at the situation as I'm struggling with staying NC right now myself. Thanks! And good luck OP!

[jackslife]

Wow, good analogy, Jackslife, and it's very good advice. I appreciate this way of looking at the situation as I'm struggling with staying NC right now myself. Thanks! And good luck OP!

 

Only learned through bitter experience I'm afraid... and advice I could sometimes do with heeding myself

[Owl]

Any continued contact between affair partners or former affair partners...other than PERHAPS stricly business interactions...just feeds the addiction, and is a continuation of the emotional aspects of the affair.

 

So...OP...the baseline answer is "NO!!!".

 

You can't support each other through this without CONTINUING to betray your spouses, and continuing to prolong your own pain over the situation.

 

That's why NC is the primary recommendation here.

[oldshirt]

Any continued contact between affair partners or former affair partners...other than PERHAPS stricly business interactions...just feeds the addiction, and is a continuation of the emotional aspects of the affair.

 

So...OP...the baseline answer is "NO!!!".

 

You can't support each other through this without CONTINUING to betray your spouses, and continuing to prolong your own pain over the situation.

 

That's why NC is the primary recommendation here.

 

This ^^^^^^^^^^

 

There really are only two ways to end an affair and its destructive effects. One is divorce your H and have a real R with OM.

 

The other is NC and break the addiction.

 

Continued contact is just continued hits of crack. It only leaves you wanting more..

 

If you still have contact and are still taking hits of crack, then the affair is still in progress.

[harrybrown]

If you can't end it with the OM, you can't end it.

 

Have you told the OM how you feel?

 

Tell him that you want him and not your H. File for D from your H and start up with the OM. It sounds like this is what you want.

 

You do need to decide. If your H fights the D, then tell him about the A and move on. Your H will hurt like hell, but you will be free to see the OM.

 

You need to make a decision to be with the OM or be with your H. You either choose your H and go NC with the OM or choose the OM and destroy your H.

 

Your everyday contact with the OM is not helping your marriage. Your H knows that you are distant and unavailable to him. He knows that you have built a wall to keep him out. He may not have said anything, but deep down he knows, he just does not know everything that is going on.

 

At least be honest with him. Some have tried to have an open marriage, so that they can keep the OM and the H. Your are faithful to one on of these men and which one is it? It sounds like it is the OM that you have chosen, so you could try to get your H to fully open up your marriage. Now it is open only for you.

 

I do not know of too many that have had success with the open marriage. So far it has worked okay for you for the one-sided open marriage.

 

I do hope you make your choice soon. If you keep going this way, the hole is getting deeper and deeper, then there is not a good way out.

 

Good luck to you and make your choice today and go for it.

[RegretfulAlways]

This ^^^^^^^^^^

 

Continued contact is just continued hits of crack. It only leaves you wanting more..

 

If you still have contact and are still taking hits of crack, then the affair is still in progress.

 

WOW, this is good. Must pin this to my wall... such a great point as to why you can't ever be "just friends" post BU.

[turnera]

I asked if anyone had ended their A amicably.

Sure, it's possible. When you act like an adult and make hard decisions like an adult, the kind that adults make. Instead of acting like a starstruck teenager who wants what she wants because she wants it.

 

Are you ready to be an adult?

[Pushing Forward]

I know I need to make difficult decisions and stick to them. However, I can also see why, with comments like this, many people post a couple times and never return here.

 

Sure, it's possible. When you act like an adult and make hard decisions like an adult, the kind that adults make. Instead of acting like a starstruck teenager who wants what she wants because she wants it.

 

Are you ready to be an adult?

[Spectre]

What was your husbands reaction to your affair?

 

I know I need to make difficult decisions and stick to them. However, I can also see why, with comments like this, many people post a couple times and never return here.

 

Well yes, people often have hard times dealing with harsh truths, so they do indeed leave after posting. For those people I think their best bet would of been to seek an actual therapist. Most people here aren't trained therapists..aren't trained in ways to put their emotions aside the way actual therapists are.

Edited July 7, 2014 by Spectre

[BrokenPrincess]

I had an amicable end to the A (despite his DDay) but at this point, cannot be friends. Primarily, because his W (understandably) requested NC as terms to stay married. Most recently when he broke NC we made it 3 hours as platonic friends until we started kissing, so clearly that didn't work.

 

Since then we've been in touch a couple times, strictly friendly and it makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out because it reminds me how much I miss him & want him more than just as a friend. Sometimes I think I'm ok & over it etc but as I've learned the hard way, being in contact just makes all those feelings rush back so fast my head starts spinning. And then it's back to square 1 trying to move on.

 

If you've had no DDay and/or no physical intimacy, *maybe* you can do it, but my experience (and nearly all the ones I've read here) seem to just prolong the healing or you press your luck & resume the A until you get caught.

[Pushing Forward]

Thank you Broken Princess.. I'

m

looking for answers from people who've been through it and I appreciate your comment. We texted "Good morning, xoxo" first thing this morning but I didn't make contact again and at 3:30 he texted "Hey, how's your day going? You weaning today? lol".. It's a battle not to stay in contact. I'

m

ok when I'

m

busy like today, but it's much different when I'

m

alone with my thoughts. **eta, there has been no dday and no intimacy for 3 months but this was a LTA with much intimacy in the past. A dday isn't what I want but I guess in most cases that's when you're forced to have

NC

. When you have to do the forcing yourself it doesn't seen to work well.

I had an amicable end to the A (despite his DDay) but at this point, cannot be friends. Primarily, because his W (understandably) requested NC as terms to stay married. Most recently when he broke NC we made it 3 hours as platonic friends until we started kissing, so clearly that didn't work.

 

Since then we've been in touch a couple times, strictly friendly and it makes me feel like my heart is being ripped out because it reminds me how much I miss him & want him more than just as a friend. Sometimes I think I'm ok & over it etc but as I've learned the hard way, being in contact just makes all those feelings rush back so fast my head starts spinning. And then it's back to square 1 trying to move on.

 

If you've had no DDay and/or no physical intimacy, *maybe* you can do it, but my experience (and nearly all the ones I've read here) seem to just prolong the healing or you press your luck & resume the A until you get caught.

Edited July 8, 2014 by Pushing Forward

[imperfectangel]

I have been through it and I've replied accordingly but because I'm not saying "yes it's possible" you don't want to know

 

I'm still going through I'm DYING to see or just have a little contact with MM it whats the point? everyday he chooses someone else

 

perhaps this is how your om feels?

[jackslife]

Most recently when he broke NC we made it 3 hours as platonic friends until we started kissing, so clearly that didn't work.

 

I know that there is a lot of personal pain for the people who reply to threads and I am not being disrespectful of that. But the statement "we made it 3 hours as platonic friends until we started kissing" did make me smile.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I think you misunderstood the purpose of the Infidelity section, this is not a "How To" forum. Many of the people that are on here are people that have been devastated by spouse that are acting as selfish as you are acting. You ask if you can end an affair amicably? Yes, all you have to do is walk away and say goodbye with a smile, but the fact is you don't want it to end.

 

You say that you love your husband, but there is no love in your behavior, at this time. If you really want a true answer to your question, then tell your husband about your shenanigans and then ask that question again. If you want someone to just agree with you and blow sunshine up your backside, then call one of your girl friends. If you want to be a real woman and wife to your husband, then be honest and admit to your misgivings.

[Pushing Forward]

I appreciate everyone's comments I just don't think sarcastic is what I need right now. I didn't say I wanted everyone to agree with me and I don't need sunshine up my butt. I understand there is pain on this board on both sides. I'm trying to work through this with some added advice. I'll get there. I'm not sure when but probably sooner than I think. I know there is no perfect time to end things other than now, but I have a few weeks I'm not sure I can go through with no contact. Yes, that's selfish, I know. I'm hoping once that's over I can start to move on.

 

I'm not telling my husband and I'm not leaving as a previous poster mentioned. I know some believe that full disclosure is the only way to go but that's not it for me. I am a real wife and I do love my husband. I've made bad choices that at the time I felt ok with. I'm still trying to figure out how to move on. I know the answers are right in front of me and I have to do it but the OMs attachment for communication is strong and I have to work up the nerve to walk away. We both want to talk even though I know it continues the A and does nothing for either of us. I will get there.

 

Thank you all. Really, I appreciate it.

[jackslife]

You can only do the best you can as you see fit.

 

Good luck, I hope it works out for the best for you.