Does it have to be all or nothing? [update - not a good feeling]

[turnera]

Maybe this will finally be the point in your life when you realize you don't matter more than other people, that to be a human means having enough respect for other people to not purposely hurt others for your own gain. If it takes you finally being the one to take a hit, well, maybe that's what it takes.

 

You could experience this D Day and determine to come out the other end a better person. Apologize, own your truth, vow to be a better person now, make the world a BETTER place for you having been on it.

 

Or, you could just do what you are normally inclined to do and throw other people under the bus so you can save your own skin.

 

I hope you choose the former.

[turnera]

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. I've done nothing but sleep and cry today

Huh. Now you maybe can understand what your H is going to feel like when he finds out.

[Pushing Forward]

I hope you're right. I don't think that I matter more than other people, but I can understand how you see it that way. What are you referring to with your "throw other people under the bus to save your own skin" comment though?

 

Maybe this will finally be the point in your life when you realize you don't matter more than other people, that to be a human means having enough respect for other people to not purposely hurt others for your own gain. If it takes you finally being the one to take a hit, well, maybe that's what it takes.

 

You could experience this D Day and determine to come out the other end a better person. Apologize, own your truth, vow to be a better person now, make the world a BETTER place for you having been on it.

 

Or, you could just do what you are normally inclined to do and throw other people under the bus so you can save your own skin.

 

I hope you choose the former.

 

Yes, turnera, I said that in my post. If I feel this way I know my H would feel even worse. All the things I'm feeling and questioning would be the same for him but multiplied. It's not good.

 

Huh. Now you maybe can understand what your H is going to feel like when he finds out.

[DKT3]

As a BS, I can tell you that its easier to take if it comes from you. Had my wife sat me down and told me about her affair I believe (honestly) that it would have given me that little something to hold on to and maybe not have divorced her. Having it come from someone else or worse yet discovering it on my own was horrible. Me having known and her not being honest killed whatever was left of the marriage.

 

Its time for you to focus on your husband, your D-day is coming, you can't block her from getting to him much longer.

 

Your affair was selfish, you know that. Its also selfish to risk him finding out from her. Give your marriage a chance, if you want that. Being a wayward, is about control. But all you control is how he finds out. Once he knows you have no control of him or your marriage. Give him something to hold on to.

[turnera]

I hope you're right. I don't think that I matter more than other people, but I can understand how you see it that way. What are you referring to with your "throw other people under the bus to save your own skin" comment though?

Your belief that you deserve to continue your marriage without telling him the truth and, if it looks like someone else is going to out you, you focus on them and their issues, not your own.

 

PF, you'll know real remorse when you feel it. It will be life-altering when/if it happens. Most likely, you're going to be one of those people who NEVER tells the truth, and continues to seek out little lie-built things that help you and you'll figure what he doesn't know can't hurt him. And then one day, someone's going to say something to him, years down the road, and he'll realize his whole life with you was a lie, and it will break him. Big time. Maybe then, you'll find true remorse. But I'm still not holding my breath; you don't seem to have ever learned to be NOT-selfish. That's not a dis, but an observation. Some people are just like that.

[Sub]

She has since messaged me and my H and is trying to "share information" that she has. I don't think she knows anything really, but just planting the seed of doubt in my H's mind would raise questions.

 

....I've thought about coming clean with my H before she gets to him some how but at the same time I don't really think she has proof of any kind. I've talked to one other person about this (my mom) and her advice was to keep quiet and deny any accusations she may make.

 

I'm not sure that's great advice. My WW was advised to "deny, deny, deny". It just made things harder. This is why, IMO, it's best to get ahead of these things. You have less control of the information, and how it comes out, than you think.

 

Just curious, but how has your mom reacted to all of this otherwise? She knows you love your H and kids, AND that you're in an A?

[justsimplyconfused]

After 3 years of going through this kind of crap today is day 1 and yet there is some relief. Do yourself a favor and get out while you can before something really bad happens.

 

It's time to stop looking for advice and NC. Do it now and stop over thinking everything.

 

It's going to be hard, your going to get depressed but at the end of the day you'll be a better person than you were before you wrote the NC letter or email or text.

[turnera]

You know, we typically grow up to be JUST LIKE our parents. Whether we intend to, or not. We become what we observe. So it's very likely that your mom passed on a 'belief' in getting what YOU want, and who cares who it hurts. And, obviously, if you get caught, deny, deny, deny. Great modeling, right there. No wonder you turned out capable of doing this.

[Owl]

PF...you're STILL not doing anything different.

 

You know what you need to do.

 

But you simply don't want to do it.

 

No one can help you if you simply refuse to accept the advice of those of us who've either been in your shoes, or your husband's.

 

What are you hoping to hear differently from people today?

 

You need to tell your H the truth, before someone else does. He deserves honesty from you. He deserved your fidelity, but didn't get that...the least you can do is give him honesty, and the chance to make up his own mind on his relationship with you based on all of the appropriate information. He's going to get it at some point...it's pretty much inevitable now that it's gonna come out. You can either let it come from a stranger trying to hurt him/you, or it come from you with love and compassion.