kittenhead Posted February 19, 2005 Share Posted February 19, 2005 i did something horrible to the man that i'm in love with and I'm afraid to go to him with any furthur conversation because i could do more good than wrong at this point. so i just want to get it off my chest. i'm completely in love and i have found the person i want to be with for the rest of my life--but i have undermined the relationship and all that we were moving towards--marriage--moving in--everytihing is on hold now. we met online--and its been great except--i always seem to have problems that need to get discussed b/c i'm so insecure. he is in the middle of starting a company and he asked me specifically to be patient for a month with no problems. that was his request and only two weeks have passed--and i went in on him. he's building an online community and he uses dating sites for research. i doubted whether or not he was "still' using them for meeting other women--b/c he used to solicit sex stories from them online--which i didn;t like and he stopped. but i've checked on him a few times and i saw that he was logged on. i think its reprehensible that i checked b/c i should trust him--but i did and comfronted him. he got upset b/c i wanted to see the inside of the site--like see that he wasn't emailing other women--and that would make me feel better--mind you--we should be way past this--he has been talking about marrying me and wanted to know the kind of engagement ring i want--but i just couldn't let it be so i broke my committment to him to keep the peace and we ended up going through the sites--checking to make sure that everything was in order--at first he was 'happy to do it" but he became upset--for me thinking he was being dishonest. next night i get a call from him and he says that we have just had too many problems that he thought about it all day and he felt 'there's just always a problem." he's a fraid to move in with me now b/c he doesn't want to to get there and then there be more problems--he's scared that this may actually just be the beginning of other. he said he just wants to get together a few times w/o any problems and that we can "try to make it work." but i feel hopeless--like i just blew the thing that i have wanted all my life. i've thought alot about it and i want it to work--i want to trust--and i want him to keep moveing forward with me--having faith that i will stopp all this ridiculous--silly--small minded ****. Link to post Share on other sites
CaGirl1980 Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 I don't think that what you did seems that unreasonable. I would be paranoid too if my husband were going on online dating sites, for research or not, I would still want to know *exactly* what he was doing on them. How long have you been dating this guy? It takes a looong time to build up complete trust, and the smallest things can break it all up. Maybe I'm insecure too, but I really don't think there would be anything wrong with wanting to see what he was doing on there. Usually if something feels really wrong in your gut, something is wrong. Don't stop listening to your senses, if he can't deal with it then it's kind of his problem. I don't think most people would have a problem with showing their significant other what they are doing on the internet unless they had something to hide. Anyways, I hope everything works out for the best, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dan123 Posted February 20, 2005 Share Posted February 20, 2005 Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who is that up tight? A fun loving caring relationship shouldn't be like that, a nice good relationship the guy could have said something like "oh honey your so silly, ok here you can look if it will make you feel better" In a relationship the man should be happy to do something that will make the women feel better. I would dump him immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
westernxer Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Dan's right. Get away from that loser. Online research my ass! Link to post Share on other sites
glitter-gal Posted February 22, 2005 Share Posted February 22, 2005 Girl you need a laugh!! Go out have some fun and relax!! Oh and I hope my ass is NOT online research.... how depressing! Link to post Share on other sites
latesleeper Posted February 23, 2005 Share Posted February 23, 2005 kittenhead, i understand fully why you want to trust and need to trust, but trust is both ways. If he is not willing to do what you need to have that trust, how do you trust? you can't do it on your own. and anyway, you're thinking about marrying this guy. married couples ought not "do it alone." you have to build trust together with him. don't second guess or belittle your own needs. you are NOT petty, small-minded etc. Insecure maybe. Heck, so am I. I want total honesty. Even if it hurts. I figure, if something hurts way too much, there is a problem, an issue, and we need to work on it so that we can have a better relationship. Avoiding such things does not make for better relationships in the long run. Do you want a relationship where you'd disguise, suppress your feelings, put yourself down? Or do you want a relationship where you can voice your concerns, your feelings -- whatever they are -- and move on together? People want different things from relationships. What do you want? What do you need? well, i actually mostly wanted to encourage you NOT to put your feelings or needs in second place. That would only make you unhappy. Then it's not good for the relationship. talk to him, tell him what you need, what you feel when he isn't open with you. Ask him for his support. If he gives it (even if he's angry at first), then you have something you can work with. If he doesn't give it, then you have something to work with. That is, is this the kind of person you want to be married to? Take care, let us know how it goes. Remember, YOU ARE IMPORTANT! Link to post Share on other sites
Author kittenhead Posted March 2, 2005 Author Share Posted March 2, 2005 wow--such wonderful words from so many people. thank you for empowering me--or helping me to remember some things. it's been about a week or so since the melt down and things feel like they are back to normal. the guy's got lost of issues though. right now, i don't know. i AM insecure-but I'm working on it. And I also let my emotions control me. And nothing is as bad as I see it at first. Link to post Share on other sites
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