FusionCutter Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Not so much for Princess Diana... ...and their story and situation has nothing to do with yours. Again...are you coming here wanting to refute the advice you're getting (from folks on all 3 points of the triangle), or are you here actually interested in using that advice in some fashion? What are you hoping to gain from this thread? It sounds like she simply wants to hear what she wants to hear. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 Im looking for a variety of different answers and perspectives. But when you have his friends coming up to you saying "He loved you wanted wanted to marry you", relatives saying they married for insurance, and him texting all these things.. how he always going to love me, how he wishes i was there, that he shouldn't have let me get away, talks to me 12 hours a day.. and has to stop himself from saying more. I feel it means something. And thats just the tip of the iceburg. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovemesomehim Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Im looking for a variety of different answers and perspectives. But when you have his friends coming up to you saying "He loved you wanted wanted to marry you", relatives saying they married for insurance, and him texting all these things.. how he always going to love me, how he wishes i was there, that he shouldn't have let me get away, talks to me 12 hours a day.. and has to stop himself from saying more. I feel it means something. And thats just the tip of the iceburg. Searchin81 - If you believe that he's the love of your life, what difference does it make what anyone else believes or has an opinion on? His family and friends, including your mm, clearly states that his love is for you. Now the question is, how long will you tolerate being his 12 hour woman, instead of his 24/7 wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 (edited) always possibility everyone is wrong and he is lying lol Oh BTW he doesn't even know i want him back either. I never told him. I am actually much more tight lipped with expressing my emotions than him. Somtimes he seems surprised im still interested in him and told me he is alittle scared. Edited August 19, 2014 by Searchin81 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 always possibility everyone is wrong and he is lying lol Oh BTW he doesn't even know i want him back either. I never told him. I am actually much more tight lipped with expressing my emotions than him. Somtimes he seems surprised im still interested in him and told me he is alittle scared. Frankly...you're so obsessed by how he's made you feel, I'm not surprised he's a little scared. He's made it obvious to all of us here on the board that he's not that into you...yet you remain convinced that he is strongly in love with you. Think about that for a minute. He is a little scared of how strongly you feel about him...that's another clear indicator that he does not share your depth of feeling back towards you. But you persist/insist that he has to love you that much because he.....(list all the reasons you've cited). He might be afraid that you're a bunny boiler. And, from his perspective...he might be right (to a degree). Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted August 19, 2014 Author Share Posted August 19, 2014 haha good one owl.. he not scared of me, that was misinterpreted. He is scared of revealing his feelings, as he thinks im going to reject him Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted August 19, 2014 Share Posted August 19, 2014 Well...glad my post was good for a laugh at least. I've got nothing left to offer you in the way of advice or support, until something changes. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted August 20, 2014 Share Posted August 20, 2014 I think, for me, I became tired of feeling like I was the fool. No matter what MM said to me, no matter how much time he devoted to me, I wasn't important enough for him to leave his marriage, to change his life. I was no longer willing to be that "other person" who sat on the sidelines waiting for my turn with him. I knew he had made his choice and that choice didn't include me. So, the terms on which I could have him in my life weren't good enough for me. I guess it became that simple eventually. It may end up the same way for you, or it may not. I will say, though, that I truly believe that if I had not been willing to be the other woman from the very beginning, I think MM would've left his marriage. He had left her about a year before that (before he and I became involved) so he probably would've done it for good at that point. Because by the time we started getting interested in one another, he was pretty fed up with his marriage. And whether he did leave or not, I wouldn't have been hurt the way I had been. Not sure if any of that is helpful. We women tend to put ourselves in bad positions when love is involved. The truth is, men can be a lot less dewey-eyed than us and they will often opt to place practicality above romance. So, just because you think a certain way, doesn't mean MM thinks the same way. It may be that he just knows what to say to keep you hooked. Ask yourself this -- if the roles were reversed, would MM sit around and wait for you to make up your mind while he waited on the sidelines? If you were the one who was married, would you sit around thinking it over for several years and risk losing him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 so i have a big development...he told a mutual friend he might want a divorce if things don't get better, they have a lot of problems. He told me that he wants to talk to me more and be able to go out with me someday and not have to hide it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 so i have a big development...he told a mutual friend he might want a divorce if things don't get better, they have a lot of problems. He told me that he wants to talk to me more and be able to go out with me someday and not have to hide it. That's great news! Now sit back and don't do anything. Make sure he leaves her before you start seeing him. Even then, be cautious. You need to know for sure he plans to go through with his divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 Its still very confusing. As he told mutual friend that they are headed for divorce if things don't get better, but he is trying. They have issues and not because of me.. though i am one, but it seems there where issues before that. He didn't tell me that part, other than that he still wants to talk to me but deal with his marriage first and that in future wants to be able to go out with out hiding it. And still wants to talk to me and misses me..But cant right now but says we definitely will in future. So its a little confusing. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 Its still very confusing. As he told mutual friend that they are headed for divorce if things don't get better, but he is trying. They have issues and not because of me.. though i am one, but it seems there where issues before that. He didn't tell me that part, other than that he still wants to talk to me but deal with his marriage first and that in future wants to be able to go out with out hiding it. And still wants to talk to me and misses me..But cant right now but says we definitely will in future. So its a little confusing. Then stop letting it be confusing by drawing your own boundaries. If he says he's working on his marriage, then he needs to cut off all contact with you. If he doesn't do that, then do it for him. The translation of what he's really saying is that he's going to stay with his wife for the unforeseeable future but wants to keep you on the hook if he ever decides to leave, which is still in question. It has been my experience that when something is confusing, it's usually because a person's words and actions are in conflict with one another. That's exactly what's going on here. He's being very unfair to you to keep you hanging onto a dream that may or may not come to be. He will do this to you as long as you allow it. He will respect more if you don't allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 I agree with that bathtub but its still hard. He is sending very conflicting messages. Wants to be able to go out in the future and see me and talk without hiding it, still wants to talk with me, says we will talk again and doesn't seem to care about his current relationship. Has marriage problems, close to divorce but wants to work it out, but loves me. He wished he did things different with me but didn't know then what he knows now. I don't understand any of this and how he feels. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 so i have a big development...he told a mutual friend he might want a divorce if things don't get better, they have a lot of problems. He told me that he wants to talk to me more and be able to go out with me someday and not have to hide it. There's a phrase that's been used countless times here on LS. Don't listen to his words...look at his actions. He TALKED to someone about MAYBE divorcing SOMEDAY...IF things don't get better. That's not an action...it's just more words. Nothing has CHANGED. He's just using words to keep you on the hook...and it's working in a stellar fashion, as usual. There's nothing more to understand. Nothing has changed. Until he IS divorced...what he SAYS really is just hot air. But you're so desperately in need of confirmation that you'll view it as a sign from the heavens that it was meant to be. Here's a thought. Don't respond. Don't change anything, and don't get your hopes up. Simply wait and see what happens. See what he DOES, rather than paying attention to what he SAYS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 I agree owl. How long am i supposed to wait to see what he does? You are correct about the actions.. what actions should i be on the lookout for? All i know is he said he knows we arent done talking, even if we cant talk right now. How could this possibly turn out.. what do you think he is thinking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 2, 2014 Author Share Posted September 2, 2014 (edited) I still feel so hurt. I just dont know why he puts me through all this. What did i ever do to go through this treatment? Why cant we correct the past? Why is he telling me he knows we are gonna talk again in future but cant right now. What does that even mean? Edited September 2, 2014 by Searchin81 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 2, 2014 Share Posted September 2, 2014 I agree owl. How long am i supposed to wait to see what he does? You are correct about the actions.. what actions should i be on the lookout for? All i know is he said he knows we arent done talking, even if we cant talk right now. How could this possibly turn out.. what do you think he is thinking? You're obsessed with "what is he thinking". It doesn't matter what he is thinking. What matters is what he is doing...and what you are doing/thinking/feeling. How long should you wait? Well...how long have you waited so far? How long do you think is reasonable? How long are you willing to wait? Capable of waiting without going insane? Who cares if he said "we're not done talking"? Again...words. Sometimes known as 'bullshyte'. Has he DONE anything to indicate to you that he IS divorcing? Filed paperwork? Began legal seperation? Started a financial discovery? Moved out? TOLD HIS WIFE THAT HE'S LEAVING? You're wrapped up in the hope that he is doing something different. Here's the thing...most MM in this position (albeit not all, but good luck figuring out definitively which category he falls into) will SAY whatever they need to say to keep the other woman willing to play along for as long as they possibly can. Odds are high that he's not looking for you to replace his wife...he's looking for your to SUPPLEMENT his wife. He doesn't want one or the other. He wants what he has right now...both. And he will say whatever he can to maintain that situation for as long as he possibly can. But once again...none of that actually matters. The only thing that should matter is what YOU are willing to accept in your life. What are you worth? Willing to be that supplement for as long as he wants it? Willing to wait until he finally (maybe, someday) actually DOES something different? Or are you worth being your own woman...worth insisting that you be the ONLY woman in someone's life? Up to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Haven't talked to the ex in a few weeks, as we agreed to stop talking for now....But I know they are no longer living together... Now what? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Now what...what? Even if he's moved out...there's no garauntee it's permanent. IF he's filed for divorce, seperated, and clearly that's moving down that path...maybe you two start actually dating. But I don't recommend you resume contact just yet to find out. Give yourself more time to heal and find your own life...and let him find his. If it's "meant to be"...it'll happen. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Why someone move out if it wasn't permanent? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted September 16, 2014 Share Posted September 16, 2014 Happens all the time. Someone moves out...get's lonely, misses the companionship, the comfort, calls the "ex"...they end up going back and forth on that same path several times. It's up to you as far as what you want to do from here. I'm simply cautioning you...we've seen tons of stories here where MM moves out...then goes home again. Shortly after my wife's EA, she was all set to move out. We'd been in 'in house' seperation for about a month, and she was going to go down the next day to pull the trigger and sign a year long lease for her own place. We were just going to do a 'trial seperation'. When I realized at that point that the 'trial' meant that she was going to "try out a relationship with him" while still keeping me on the hook...for at least a year...I informed her that I wasn't going to wait a year for her. If she wanted out for that long...we'd file for divorce instead, and see what happened from there. That was over 10 years ago now. Our marriage is awesome at this point. My point is...he probably doesn't even know what it is he truly wants at this point. And that makes him poor relationship material until he sorts that out and shows some extended progress. Moving out is a first step...it's not a last step. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Searchin81 Posted September 16, 2014 Author Share Posted September 16, 2014 Very good points owl.. Didn't think of that. He also told someone he would never get married again. Link to post Share on other sites
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